2008: Extreme Ends of the Joy-Pain Spectrum

Hey all,

If you've been following my blog this year, you'll probably know what a roller-coaster ride, with unpredictable 180 degrees, 360 degrees, 100000 degrees turns everywhere this year has been for me. God has been with me the entire time(if not I think I'll probably be gone by now), although I must admit I couldn't feel Him at times, when I was floundering around in terror.

This is a testimony that I need to share. It's a rather long one, hence I've yet to find the opportunity to tell it although I've attended Sayang Camp and PPBC camp. Okay, that's an excuse. Truthfully, I've been gathering my guts to tell this all, and I'll start telling it on my blog. If you think you are in for a long boring story(well, ok, you are), you can stop reading here. I'll understand. :-)

Okay, let's start.. with January 2008. In January, I started volunteering in Kiwanis Down Syndrome Foundation (KDSF) to work with the Down Syndrome(DS) kids. I'm still with them up to today, it's exhausting but for some reason I just love working with them. This was when my desire to work with special education kids really grew. Before working with them, it was just a whim, a fanciful idea. I had no idea it would be so frustrating, yet so rewarding. However, special education in Malaysia is extremely limited, so I've not much of an idea how to enter this field. I'm not getting much encouragement from around me either, but with God all things are possible, no? :-) I've learnt my lesson about planning years ahead.. more about that later.

February 2008

My brother left for Australia. So what?? you'll probably ask. Well, my brother and I share a very close relationship, drawn together after what life has thrown at us, maybe. We've never had a problem with sibling rivalry/fights that some other siblings have. When we go out some people think we're a couple! Hahaha. Well, to be separated from my brother was really really NOT NICE. Suddenly I have to whine, complain using MSN, no longer face-to-face. Well, I got over it eventually. And life in Australia is so comfortable so you've gotta feel happy for him. haha!

March 2008

This month was one of the best months of the year. No no, not because of the political tsunami. Okay, truthfully that made me very excited too. Hahaha. But it was because of.. SPM results. What I worked so so so hard for in 2006 & 2007 was achieved.

Then, the furious application for scholarships began. Hahaha. This was the truly fun part. The satisfaction of filling in A1s in forms, to put in my posts for co-curricular activities. That was the peak of my pride, I think.

However, allow me to give you some background about my studying and activities to prepare for these scholarships.

In form 4, I knew(or so I thought) what I truly wanted. I wanted to apply for the scholarship by the Ministry of Education(MOE) to go overseas for studies, then come back and work as a teacher. I've always wanted to become a teacher since form 2. This was my ultimate dream (whoa, dramaticnya!).

So in form 4 I did all I could to increase my chances of receiving that scholarship. I was involved in PBSM, History & Geography club(AJK), Christian Fellowship(Asst. Treasurer), Yellow House(AJK), Badminton club(President) and the Prefectorial board. Not to mention that I was the class treasurer. I was playing badminton tournaments hoping to win certificates(who cares about medals and prizes, only certs matter in interviews). I represented my school in various academic quizzes and essays, I ran for my house in 4 running events(and won 1 gold, 1 silver, 2 bronze or something like that). My partner and I won 4th place for the National Bible Knowledge Quiz. I received a Highly-Commended for the Postal Quiz. In other words, my co-curricular activities were pretty good.

For my scholarship interview, I proudly presented my music certificates, my badminton certificates, my academic quizzes certificates, my list of badminton achievements and posts I held in school, even a letter about me being a volunteer in Kiwanis. And of course, to top it all, my 12A1 SPM slip.

Yes, that's how hard I worked to win this scholarship. I considered myself smart. In form 1-3 I was hardly active in co-curricular activities, preferring to concentrate on badminton. But in form 4 I knew(or so I thought) what I wanted, and I wanted that scholarship. Looking back, this scholarship was all I wanted, and I practically demanded it from God. The thought of not receiving this scholarship was a dreadful and sickening idea. I could not fathom the idea of God not giving it to me.

I was really, really stupid then. Seriously.

April 2008

I received the top student prize for SPM results, another high for me. My whole schooling life I've always done ok/well in school, but never, ever would I have considered myself the top in the entire form, or even close to it. End up in good classes, maybe. But to end up top and to hear my name announced as SMK Taman SEA's SPM top student was something I never even IMAGINED to imagine before! Really, seriously.

May 2008

I received the JPA scholarship to do Law, foundation in Taylor's College, then degree in Australia. This was another peak in my life. Okay, I admit it, I didn't want to take up this scholarship, but the euphoria of receiving such a prestigious scholarship was.. well, I was on a high for a few weeks.

However, I cautioned myself to wait for the TESL scholarship by the MOE. I knew I'd pick that over JPA anytime. I wanna become a teacher, not lawyer. Haha.

Mom was in London at this point(2 months) for some cluster school principal training course. Life at home without her was tough, but I pulled through, somehow.

June 2008

I received the TESL scholarship. Foundation(2 years) in Institut Perguruan Darulaman(IPDA), Jitra, Kedah, then 3 years in University of Portsmouth, UK, and the final year back in IPDA. By now I felt as if I was walking in a dream. I had EVERYTHING! I received what I worked so so so hard for, what I prayed for, what I DREAMT about. Suddenly, everything was real, it felt like a fairytale. Cloud nine, I truly understood that statement.

I mean, come on man, I received a scholarship to Australia and another one to the UK. FULL scholarship, lodging, food, fees, even allowance was given.

I think, at this point, I allowed pride to creep in(or perhaps it was there the whole time). I felt top of the world, the peak, I wanted to press 'pause' and just continue leaving in that state. I felt so so so blessed. I even visited my mom in London for 8 days, and my brother came home from Australia for a month.

Imagine my euphoria as I reflected everything I had. Life was GOOD.

July 2008

Prepared for IPDA, and settled in IPDA. I must admit I was disappointed with the place at first, but being a camper I've been through quite a bit, so a bit of run-downness didn't really unfaze me. I did miss home, but I also enjoyed the freedom of.. well, being free, staying away from my parents. Spent my 1st month settling down.

August 2008

Spent my 2nd month missing home. Suddenly life in Kedah didn't seem so fun anymore. I felt stifled, I was unhappy with some of my lecturers and some coursemates. I felt tied-down by IPDA's strict rules.

However, I persevered on. I told myself that I would stay on this course because ultimately, I will become a teacher, and am assured of a job by the MOE. I told myself to think long-term, not short term.

September 2008

Started to really try and settle down in Kedah instead of running home whenever I could. Started piano lessons, and was about to start badminton training. In other words, trying to make a life for myself. I actually only planned to go home during the Raya break, and wanted to try and stay put in Jitra for all the weekends.

Mind you, I still wasn't happy there. My spirit wasn't comfortable. Something was wrong. Probably why I could never settle in properly, although I usually assimilate in such places pretty easily.

September 16, 2008

This was the day my perfect, perfect world crumbled. Whatever euphoria I had earlier this year was wiped out, *poof* gone.

Dad was diagnosed with 4th stage colon cancer.

I knew what I had to do. No way could I leave my parents alone at home to fight this battle.

Not to sound like an evil daughter or anything, but a tiny, tiny part of me was overjoyed that I would be leaving IPDA. Somehow my spirit wasn't right in that place, my family knew I wasn't happy there although I tried to hide it. They tried to find out why, but seeing I myself didn't know why.. I had friends, I had a new hostel to look forward to, the course was so easy, in other words.. I had a pretty decent life there(usual university life, the good and bad all in one). And yet.. I really didn't know what God was doing in my life but at this point I just committed it all to him.

And so, I left IPDA. God paved the way for me to do that though. The man I had to see regarding my leaving of IPDA was away that whole week. If not, he would have given me hell. Yes, seriously. He did eventually, to my mom, but it was over the phone, and I was already safely in PJ. This one, really hand of God. If he had been around I would really, really, really, have been shouted at, and probably the paperwork for everything would have been slowed down, delayed, not even done, maybe. The Ministry of Education said to send a copy of my letter to them, not just to IPDA, if I 'didn't trust' IPDA. They knew about such people, I suppose.

People called me noble when I rejected JPA for TESL. But when I left TESL, people just called me stupid. Plain, ol' stupid. At times I too wondered. But I knew where I needed to be. It's a good thing my aim all along was to become a teacher, and not to go to the UK. I can still become a teacher after form 6.

And I'm now pretty vulnerable. I'm afraid to pray with others now because everytime I go before God, I find myself so vulnerable, and I just cry before my Lord and Saviour.

I don't cry. I'm not the kind of girl who cries. In fact, I only cry during funerals of close relatives, no other time. Well, until September 2008 anyway.

Ever wondered how much one can cry? Try 6 hours. That's the entire bus ride home from Jitra. Of course I had to look fine when I got off the bus for parents' sake. Superhuman effort it took, I tell you.

Even then, I thank God that I was in Kedah, away from home when I heard about it. Of course, I had no privacy in my hostel, but it's easy to pretend I'm fine and all right in Kedah when I'm in contact with my family. I still remember my roommate asking, "Sick ah?" when she saw all the tissues I used and my red eyes. I didn't tell her you see, I had no idea how to tell. I was hurting at that time and I wanted to hurt alone, there was no one I was close enough to to share the news and pain back then. I messaged friends for prayer, but always attached a 'don't call' at the end of my sms.

God is transforming me into a person that I myself don't recognise, and it's scary at times.

I still don't like to cry. Haha. All these camps are making me vulnerable, I don't like it, God knows it, but He's still moulding me. I think I'm a very tough clay to mould. Sorry Lord. :-(

October 2008

Was truly glad to be home to help mom out.

My life has been turned upside just like that. I thought I had everything. In the end, I ended up with nothing. Entering form 6 late meant I missed out on posts for various clubs and societies. But you know what? It didn't bother me in the least. If God can take away what I had, despite all my effort in making myself an 'unrejectable' candidate for the scholarship, I trust God will grant me something although I have nothing. :-)

Leaving Kedah meant coming home to a problem I thought I had resolved by running away. I now know that you can never run away from problems, they eventually come back to haunt you. No matter how hard, problems have to be resolved.

I've been having some issues. I was questioning many things. When someone whom I used to truly respect tells about how he'd rather die from cancer than take chemotherapy(which he says won't work anyway), it hurts. It hurts real bad. When I was scolded for taking up TESL in the first place, for being so stupid, it hurt. When my dad's cancer was blamed on his food, his lifestyle, I grew angry.

November 2008

Started skipping youth meetings. Before this, I'll always go for youth and arrange my activities before or after youth, not during. But when I constantly came home from youth meetings after hearing messages that just plain angered and hurt me, I couldn't take it anymore.

I zoned out during the sermons. I was just bracing myself for further attacks.

I was hesitant to leave. I've been in here for 10 years. You have any idea how HARD it is to leave a place that you've been rooted in for so many years, to change, especially alone, without your parents? But I agreed to give it a try. Maybe in some other place I'll cry because I've been touched, and not because I've been hurt by the message. Not to mention that my parents wouldn't be with us anymore in a new place. We received their blessings, though.

And so.. that's why I joined the PPBC camp. I still don't know how comfortable I'll be in it though, especially when I'll have to attend it alone, without my brother when he returns to Australia.

December 2008

More and more issues, my disappearance from it isn't made a huge issue of(surprisingly). Have not even been asked to return(unlike what I expected). However, I don't want to delve into details about this, my blog is a public blog.

Talked to a friend recently who's family is also struggling. Her hurt is so deep, she is so confused. As confused as I am. Now that I'm out, I don't know what to believe anymore. I don't know who to trust. Yes, I'm praying, but God seems silent, I don't know why.

To sum it all up:

2008 has been an extremely trying year. During PPBC's camp, we were asked to write down our favourite quote. My quote was, 'What goes up must come down'. It's definitely not a favourite quote, but it's a quote that's proven itself real to me this year. From extreme joy, to depths of pain I never knew before.

Hurt, pain, judgments were hurled from every single direction. "Who ask you to be so ambitious? See now your dad like that!", "Why your dad eat so much meat?", "Why never take care of yourself?!", "Who ask your dad eat so much microwaved food?", "Why he never eat properly?!", "It's the food, I'm telling you!", "Who ask you never eat organic food all the time?" and many more.

The most shocking one: "Your life has been too perfect. Just too, too perfect. Mom going higher, dad going higher, both kids on full scholarships. Something had to fall."

Of course, all of these hurtful questions and statements came from people who do not have any family members suffering from cancer. At least, I hope so. Those who have family members afflicted with it usually understand the pain enough not to ask such plain stupid insensitive questions.

Camp taught me that I've got to forgive though. Yes, I know I've got to forgive. But I don't actually think I'm holding a grudge until I THOUGHT about it. Hehe. It that makes any sense.

And honestly speaking, I don't know what to expect in 2009. I could study for SPM worry-free. Now I'm afraid something will happen during STPM. I'm just aiming for a place in the local U now.. hopefully a nearby one. No more far away scholarships for me, thank you very much. Unless... unless God wills, of course. I really don't want to plan my life anymore, just leaving it to God. Just a few months ago I was planning 10 years ahead. Now I can't even plan tomorrow anymore. I know what 'going by faith' means now. When you've no idea what's going to happen, and the only comfort you have is that God is in control. Which is more than enough I guess.

Why this year has been... traumatic and dramatic for me.

Simply because..

I'm not the kind of girl who does all I did. I QUIT A GOVERNMENT SCHOLARSHIP. IPDA is calling me up. The MINISTRY OF EDUCATION called up and asked in such a puzzled tone, 'Tak mau scholarship ke(you don't want a scholarship)???' I sent the whole Hal-Ehwal Pelajar(HEP) office and staffroom of IPDA into a frenzy as they fluttered(haha I like this word) around, scolding me, pleading with me, nagging me, questioning me, giving me hell.

I entered form six 3 FREAKING MONTHS LATE, A WEEK BEFORE FINALS. I've never, ever, done something like that in my entire life. I stayed in the same primary school from standard 1 to 6, and in the same secondary school from form 1 to 5. Eh, but I moved around 3 different kindergartens. *Why am I reliving my toddler/super-childhood days?!* In other words, I am(was) your typical, boring girl who doesn't cause ripples in a calm lake, what more tsunamis! That is, until September 2008.

2008 has been such a remarkable year. It has been the best year of my life, undeniable. It has also been a year where I aged the most(HOW CAN I LOOK 21 YEARS OLD!!!). All I can say is, God is an extremely mysterious guy, and best of all, He's teaching me things I never knew I'd learn before.

But quite scary at times wei. I've never encountered such fear before.

When God does things, He does things. As in, seriously, extreme-extreme one! This post retells the height of my joy, happiness, euphoria, 'highness', but also the depth of my anger, fear, pain.

Without Him I daresay none of this would have happened. I'll be shaking with fear and would have chickened out of the quitting IPDA and giving up my scholarship if it hadn't been for God. Seriously, I'm a coward at heart. God must have been running alongside me the whole time, although I honestly don't know if I knew it at that time.

With this, I end my post for the year 2008. I will no longer wallow in self-pity after this. With all these off my chest I feel so much lighter. :-) I don't usually write so much personal details on this blog, so this will probably the one (and only?) of a kind post.

Oh, my 18th(NOT 22nd!) birthday is coming up in less than 2 weeks time! Hehehe. I never, ever thought I'd live to be 18 years old. But hey, God's obviously not done with me yet. So, here I am, Lord. Older, hardly any wiser, slightly easier to mould, but always yours, Lord.

To another year where God reveals more and more of His plan in my life!

God bless,
Jo

P.S. I joined VAD for one meeting. And they claim it's official that all who attended are VADs. And I'm receiving SMSes all the time about this duty, that duty. Yesterday it was 'ambulance duty'. I was like.. :-O Who wants me in the ambulance if you meet with an accident????? I sure don't want ME to handle ME in an accident! haha. I dunno lah so smses are coming and coming and coming for this duty, that duty, this duty, blablabla. I go get proper training first k. School training not counted, play-play one plus I forgot nearly everything I've learnt in PBSM. Haha.

P.P.S. I'm glad to be home. Really. :-) I'll allow God to continue leading me, HIS way this time, not my way. Eh, sorry, God doesn't need permission. If you refuse to grant permission He'll eventually get it anyway. ;-) There was one day when I was really afraid, and I told God, 'Lord, if you want me to go back to IPDA you can you know.. I'll swallow my pride and go back in there.' Well, he hasn't sent me back so far, so.. hehehe.

P.P.P.S CONGRATS ON REACHING TO THE END! hahahahaha. :-)

Campety Camp!

Yay. Just back from PPBC's Youth camp. PPBC, not BBC laaa.

Hehe. Twas a good camp me thinks. So super relaxing. Never got to sleep so much before during other camps.

People think I'm old. :-( Seriously! Different people said I look 21 years old. I think all this worry is ageing me real quick. Seriously. Just 2 months back people were still saying I look young, maybe 15 years old. Now... 21??? Weeeeeei. =(

Nevermind la, then I can fit in better with badminton groups who are working people. Haha. Some of the working adults I play badminton with think I'm working too :-D because they didn't specifically ask me my age before. If they find out I'm a student they'll probably be less friendly and treat me like a small kid... which is bad. Heh.

Neway the camp's theme was all about loooove. Hanging on to Love, to be more exact. And.. well, to love you have to forgive. Eh I dunno why so many of the girls I met all want to marry fast fast. Hahaha so scary.

It's way harder to forgive those who have wronged you when you are right(does that make sense?), don't you think so? For me, anyway.

This camp made me realise how much I've been messed up. Yeah, seriously. I'm like, totally lost at times over some things. Hearing the pastor's testimony made my life seem pretty decent though. Guess whenever I feel real crappy about my life I'll always know that there are plenty of others out there who have it 100 times worse than me.

I feel old though, not just look old. I think I've aged too quickly over the past few months. *Quit ageing, Jo!* I've got but a few years left as a youth.. don't wanna grow up yet. Growing up hurts.

K, gonna blog about year 2008 now. It'll tie back a bit to camp, so I don't need to post that much about camp here.

God bless,
Jo

Piano...?

I went to some relatives' house today.. and ting ting tong tong a bit on the piano. Haha. Itchified mah. I looked at my cousin's grade 5 exam pieces, and was rather shocked at the simplicity of it all. I thought my level would have dropped to.. maybe grade 2, grade 3 by now. But no, I think my level may have even gone up a bit..! Because the music sheets I play now are so much tougher as compared to what I just saw.

I think I may just take up piano again after STPM. Of course I can take it up now, but.. I think I should concentrate on STPM(which I PROMISE I will start studying for starting Jan 1st, 2009). Haha. Must try to find a good teacher though. I'm quite paranoid of the last few I had already. *eeeeyer*

Any good piano teachers to recommend?

Erm. I want a teacher that doesn't nag, doesn't groan, doesn't scold, doesn't...

If none fits these criteria than I duwan! *stomps foot*

HAHAHA. Kidding laaaa. With students like me how to ever find such a teacher.. :-(

Okay, I want a teacher that works well with slow-learners. :-)

Die lah. Starting to worry over STPM. Nag me to study all the time k, whoever reads this. Kk?? Thanks! :-D

God bless,
Jo

Drat

I still want to play tremolos well.

=(

Wonder how many gazillion years it'll take me to master that.

Ah, the joy of worrying over trivialities! =)

Spent my entire night on Youtube. Watched mostly tremolo-playing on classical guitars.

WOW.

I want to play like that too. It's so so so so beautiful!

Seriously.

Go google up 'classical guitar tremolo' if you don't believe me. :-)

Edit: I meant, 'youtube up', not 'google up'. :-)

Death

What is death to you?

Death is something very real to me. Death is unimaginable to some people out there. People who have yet to experience the loss of a loved one can't bear the thought of death.

Who can bear the thought of death, really? Facing it a thousand times doesn't make it easier on anyone. If anything, one learns to dread the thought of death.

I'm always comforted at the thought of a saved soul going to be with Christ. But if the person wasn't saved? I remember once, during an Easter play practice where we did a scary play on death and the fires of hell.. and I received an sms about someone I knew who had passed on. At that moment, the fear for all those around me who were still unsaved gripped me really really hard. What if they passed on without ever knowing Christ?

I see the fear of death around me everyday. I ask God for His healing grace all the time.

My question is: Do we really know how much longer we have on earth? God never promised us that we'd live until a hundred years old if we were faithful servants. If anything, God takes us away to be with Him when we are done with our tasks on earth.

It's easy for people who don't feel the pain to tell others to let go, to go back to Christ. If it were that easy to let go, to have painless deaths, I'd gladly give people that advice too.

But I know how death hurts, how it affects others around.

I look at my 7-year-old relatives playing so happily, still sheltered by the comfortable life they lead. And remembered how death had introduced its vicious claws to me at that tender age. And I pray that these kids never experience the pain I had to experience, the pain no kid should ever go through. Mothers ought to comfort kids, not the other way around.

Again, I marvel at how the Apostles chose to die such painful deaths. After going through so much suffering on earth, they couldn't even have the dignity of dying a peaceful death.

And here I am, griping about my life, which is nothing compared to these great people.

Teach me, O Lord.

Sorry about my morbid post.. =)

Sayang Camp

Just back from Sayang(Love) Camp! =)

Sayang Camp is basically a camp where all the campers love each other, and by the final day, we all end up in couples after deciding who loved each other best. =D Where else do you think the word 'Sayang' originated from?

In Greek, 'eros' means (according to Wikipedia), 'passionate love, with sensual desire and longing'.

Ok ok, enough nonsense. Forgive my brainless bantering, I'm sick. No, not sick in the mind, but physically sick. Flu, cough, blocked ears. So do forgive me if I type a lil' bit of nonsense here and there.

I've been on a self-imposed exile(in my room) the whole day after I returned home from camp. Can't get dad sick, but I think he caught the bug already. =( Chemo will have to be delayed if he's sick.. and I will feel guilty for that. Ok, kidding, I know I can't control that, but of course I'll try to keep the virus between me and my four walls. *Little bit impossible only mah*

Anyway, Sayang Camp was good for the soul(mine, at least). A getaway, albeit a short one. Despite the fact that I was sick the entire camp, had blocked ears and flu the entire time, it was a refreshing camp.

At the same time, it reopened 'healed' wounds, so to speak. I thought I was done and over with hurting, but camp showed me I was seriously delusional if I ever believed that. Lately I feel so so so vulnerable before God, and Sayang Camp just reinforced that feeling.

James 1:2-3 says:
2 My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, 3 knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience.

To count it all joy. You know, someday I want to meet all these followers of Christ and have one serious chat with them. How can they possibly rejoice in the midst of tribulation??? They suffered so much, probably more than any of us will ever go through for Christ, myself included, and yet they rejoiced in the midst of it all. How?? Lord, show me how, please?

But you know what?

After everything, I find it impossible to give God up. He has been so so so gracious to me, despite every blow inflicted upon me I feel His peace. Many times I despaired and cried out to Him, and He has always responded in His own gentle way. No way can I give God up, especially after all He has done for me. My greatest fear has always been that I would give up running the race, but for now, I'm still in the race, maybe with some injuries here and there, but going stronger in spite of it all.

God is a God of impossibilities! =)

And best of all, He has seen fit to prove it to me! =) =D

School's starting soon =(

Then again, it's really really really my final year in school, in CF, in the badminton team, in SCHOOL.

After form 5, I remember being really reluctant about entering form 6. The thought of being in a school environment for another year and a half was exhausting, and I felt more than ready to move on.

However, after my experience in IPDA, form 6 seemed heavenly. Okay, not heavenly, but it did seem a way better choice as compared to a maktab perguruan. Besides, I get another shot at serving in my school's CF, that was something I thought I'd miss. After going to IPDA, I realised that Taman SEA's CF can only be found in.. well, Taman SEA. In IPDA there was discussion about setting up prayer meetings and Bible studies, but never worked out. I don't know why, too many restrictions and lack of commitment, maybe? There were maybe 14, 15 Christians out of 2000 students.. anyway that's a story for another day. *Back to form 6 story*

Of course, entering form 6 meant abiding by my school's ever-so-logical rules.

I mean, what harm could eating in class bring? I completely forgot about this rule until I started eating in class one day, and my classmate warned me, "Look out for teachers if you're gonna eat." Me, "Huh?? Cannot eat in class one meh??" And I got these really incredulous YOU MEAN YOU DIDN'T KNOW???! faces from classmates. Can't believe I used to receive 'Prefect of the month' status before, eh? I mean, how can I NOT KNOW THAT STUDENTS CANNOT EAT IN CLASS???

No mineral bottles. I nearly forgot this rule too, then I saw a classmate drinking from one. And I stupidly asked, "Eh, now school allow mineral bottles hor?" Again, I received this really pained look from classmates. *oops, wrong question*

Last day of school class wanted to have a party. Head prefect 'terheard' about it, and told me that we weren't allowed to have parties. Again, the question of 'WHY???' popped in my head. Of course, we went ahead with the party, despite some of the teachers banning us from having the party, and finally agreed that we could have it, but it couldn't be held in class, had to be in the canteen. Well, we had it in class anyway. =D

After 1 month in form 6, I managed to relearn most of our school's petty rules again. Only in SMKTS can you get rules like these:



Hair is on the list of prohibited items. Not to mention socks, shoes, belts.

Yes, walk into our school and you'll see ever-law-abiding bald students walking around barefooted. =) Hey, it saves money on shampoo and washing and shoe-'whiteners'!

And yes, for eating outside the canteen I'm officially a 'prohibited' student. So much for freedom of education in Malaysia.

Cigarettes is on the list. But not drugs. =) So it's safe to assume that our students sit in the canteen high on drugs everyday. Okay, bad bad. Scrap that idea.

I was dumbfounded when I saw 'Cards'. I want to give my friend birthday card cannot isit now?? Then I realised that they must have meant playing cards. I'm a bad girl for playing Uno in class in lower 6. =(

SMKTS, anyone? I promise you it'll be an experience you'll never forget! =)

=)

I've blogged quite a number of posts lately but deemed them too thought-provoking to post them up. So they are waiting in my 'Drafts' section awaiting the day I unveil their existence. Lol!

Anyway, thinking about life after STPM.

First off, I'll go for NS. Truthfully, I don't really want to go for it, I only want to go for the physical activities, but seeing I've experienced nearly everything from all my 5 years in secondary school I think the only new thing will be abseiling, something that was always cancelled during prefect camps due to bad weather/lack of time. But not much choice, it's after STPM or after I graduate. Of course I'll prefer to do it after STPM.

But anyway, that's beside the point.

I don't want my parents to spend any money on my education. I mean, if I can pay off for it or even get it free, why ask them to spend money on it?

So I'm considering.. a loan. Yes, a loan. The interest rate for a PTPTN loan is only 3%, which according to my brother is lower than the inflation rate over the past few years. In other words, I'll save more money by taking a PTPTN loan than to pay off for my education in one shot!

Yaaaaay.

Of course, if I can get a scholarship it'll be pretty good. But you have to wonder how many scholarships I'll be offered after rejecting quite a few scholarships. My name may even be blacklisted from all government agencies after my rejects. =( Like they say, I may have pushed the sponsors too far.

Oh well. It isn't the end of the world anyway. =) If I'm not on a scholarship I'll be free to do what I want.

Money is so so hard to come by. This is about the only reason why I'll apply for a scholarship instead of a loan, if I do. Scholarships usually give me monthly allowances. Loans don't. Then again, if I invest the remaining of my loan after paying off fees I may be able to make some money after all. :-) A scholarship to study locally is hardly worth it if I've got to repay it with a bond. At least, in my opinion. It may change anytime.

The temptation of looking for a job is almost overpowering at times. The lure of money.. haha.

We'll see about that.

Someone asked me to become a Voluntary Aid Detachment(VAD) today. I've always wanted to do it but never really found an opportunity to become one. I readily agreed, we'll see how it works out. :-)

And I want to pick up Braille. If I were to major in special education, I think Braille would be pretty useful. Of course, learning sign language is also useful, but I think I prefer working with the blind over the deaf. But still think I want to work with the mentally-handicapped above all.

And and and I want to pick up something new. Something like.. I don't know. So many things I want to try out.

Ok. Time to start studying and stop dreaming. Haha.

By the way, I've started studying some History. It's really interesting. I don't think I'll want to drop it anymore. =)

Take care,
God bless,
Jo

I lost =(

But I won! =)

I lost all my matches in this entire tournament.

But I got the bronze!

LOL. Tis good to join a government-sponsored tournament(Rakan Muda) like this one, although they don't have enough players for a proper category they still proceed with the event, the funds are there, they don't worry about losing money.

I received walkovers all the way into semis.

And got thrashed in semis.

*sigh*

Disappointed over my game. State players or not, I played an exceptionally POOR game, seriously. So... arrrrrrgh.

I can't keep up with the new batch of players already lah. Having restarted training after so many months of non-playing, and not even intensive training, I've fallen too far back. Yeah sure, the strokes are still there, but stamina and speed is gone. The current batch of players train the way I used to, at least 3 times a week on court, and their own training outside court on the other days. And here I was, foolishly thinking I could keep up with them. Hah.

I think I shall stick to inter-school tournaments from now onwards. Haha. At least, until I quit competitive badminton. This tournament is just a bleak reminder of how far my game has degenerated.

Prize giving at 3pm, to go or not to go...

God bless,
Jo

I dunno....

Maybe I am bipolar after all.

Or maybe it's all the turmoil that's messing my head and emotions up.

Feeling pretty upset right now. =( Bro's away so I've no one to tell save for this blog. Which means I've got to keep it all abstract and confusing. *sigh*

Anyway, I'm just tired and upset lah. I'm fiercely protective of my family, and I detest people who try to hurt any of us.

I started reading the book of Job recently. It's as if my current life is just reliving Job's life, except that I'm not playing the role of Job. But it's exactly the same. God gave permission to satan to test Job. Again, a reminder that satan was given permission in this, not that satan wrenched control from God suddenly.

However, it was the part of Job's 3 friends judging him that really struck a chord in me. Sure, Eliphaz, Bildad and Zophar went to visit Job with the intention of comforting Job. But did they?

Honestly, I feel that what those 3 friends did was satan-sent. Just another trial for Job to overcome. He did a remarkable job overcoming it anyway, I'll really like to meet this guy someday. I still boil over judgements that Job probably heard.

What did those 3 friends do? They judged Job and told him that his condition was because of his lifestyle, and his sinful ways. Of course, this was not true, but hey, when people have made up their minds and have their hearts and minds blinded, no one can change their minds.

I don't know lah. This world is hurling darts at me faster than I can duck, and they are starting to hit me everywhere. It's no wonder I keep trying to escape everything through Kiwanis, badminton, going out, but when I'm alone it all overwhelms me again.

*sigh*

I'm being hardened more and more. And I don't want to be. =(

I really don't know why, sometimes.

Lord? Why didn't you give me one of those fairy-tale families where mom and dad are there for everything and the kids just have to worry about themselves? I can choose any career I want, without worrying about them?

Worst part is, it almost seems as if my brothers and sisters in Christ are the ones who are the most judgmental(apart from one amazing teacher). Being blessed enough to have perfect lives isn't enough for most, apparently. The ones reaching out to me are actually non-Christians! Maybe because their lives weren't that blessed so they understand my situation more. I dunno. My only rationale explanation. In some Christians you can even hear the gleeful "I told you so!" in their tones and they just vomit out their judgments on why things are the way it is.

And I actually wonder why non-Christians don't want to become Christians. You ask me honestly lah, I don't mind not going to church anymore if Christians are all like that. I'll keep my faith, I'll cling to God. But to mix with believers who are pompous and self-righteous? No way.

Heck, I'd prefer it if people just keep quiet and pretend as if life is all normal, instead of hurting me.

If I ever get married, this is my warning to my future husband:
This is me, broken, beaten, struck down, rejected, hurt, upset, a failure. I can't assure you I'll ever pick myself up, so you had better think twice before committing yourself into a marriage with me.


Life hurts.

Tournaments, shoulder injuries, camps...

Yeah well. I'm joining two tournaments(so far) this long break. 21-23 Nov and 11-14th Dec. =)

Now lets just hope my shoulder doesn't hamper me. =(

Haha. I'll probably just rest rest rest after the 2nd tournament, apart from the once a week training. Need to recover lah.

And I'm going for a 2 day 1 night camp tomorrow. In Kuala Selangor. A couple of classmates came into class today and started asking for more people to attend this 'Lembaga Ketua Tingkatan' camp, they had space for 7 more. So I said I'll go lor. =) Hahaha. Sorry lah, I've been camp deprived since last year's CF camp ok.. That's practically a year and a half ago! Haha. Looking at the weather these few days I don't know if the main point of making the trip there(I'm assuming to see the fireflies, that's what it's famous for) will be achieved. Haha. But since I've seen the fireflies before I'll just enjoy this camp lah. =) It's one of the 'comfort zone' camps that I've rarely attended. The schedule is so relaxed, we're not cooking our own food, we're not sleeping in tents, it's actually just like a day trip but overnight prolly just to watch the fireflies.

Then Sayang Camp 15-16 Dec. Right after my tournament(provided I last till final day). =)

Will be helping out in Kiwanis for one of their events next week, Monday to Thursday. I'll help on Friday too except for the fact that my tournament starts then.

I'm beginning to feel the panic button light up. I NEED TO START STUDYING!!! =(

Will do it.

Soon.... =P

God bless,
Jo

=)

First of all, I'm not bipolar. At least, I don't think I am. It so happens that I sometimes blog when I'm over the moon, or just plain down. =P

Anyway, yeah, if I'm bipolar, today is the good day. Hahaha.

I found out that I can start up a special education centre/school with funding from our beloved government. That was my initial worry when I came up with the idea.

Great, that's one hitch settled.

Now.. teachers? Don't need to be overqualified people. Just a short course or diploma etc in it to start off. The heart and interest is the most important.

If you're reading this and you're interested do tell me ya. You'll have to wait till I'm done with my studies though. =P Few years time. Enough time to see if this idea is a feasible idea, and to work out the many hitches I'm bound to encounter along the way. And of course, to seek out God's will in this. =)

Till then, keep this in mind! This idea has been brewing for quite a while already. I've always thought about it, but always dismissed the idea as impossible. But lately, pondering over my future, and what I really want to do.. well, this is what I want to do.

However, I may be a special ed teacher in a school first.. I really don't know. After this year, I learnt my lesson about planning far into the future. So I'm taking things one step at a time, and leaving the rest to God.

=) God bless!
Jo

=)

Went to Kiwanis today after a long long time. Had a really great time. :-) Those kids are just so so so adorable lah. Haiz. I missed them so so so much. Just soooo cute! =) The sad thing is this is their last week of schooling for the year. So I'll only be able to help till then. I'll be helping out during their concert this Saturday though. =) Which is going to be hilarious. =D

I plan to help out maybe every Monday next year though. Just go after school to help out. I enjoy it too much lah. Can learn so much from these innocent young souls.

One Kiwanis teacher scolded me when she found up I actually took up TESL. "With your kind of results how can you do TESL!!! Form 6 so much better!" and went on and on about it. =( But oki lah I'm in form 6 now so she oughta be happy. Lol. I'm happy that's for sure. =D

Trying to look for other special education centres to volunteer in. Maybe autistic centres, or spastic centres. If anyone knows about any kindly let me know ya.

Then went to 1 U with Dawn. And tried batting! =D Baseball batting.


That's me!!!

Oki lah I was a total noob in it. Sorry Dawn for causing that bruise on you.. I know we're supposed to hit the baseball FORWARD, not BACKWARD. ;-)

Oh, and I found out that I got 60/60 for MUET essay. LOL. I've never ever gotten perfect marks for an essay before. Oki lah, logically no teacher should ever give full marks for a language-based essay because no essay is ever perfect. But hey, Pn. Harbans is a MUET book author and examiner(I assume) so I'm happy with it. Jess told me that she read out my essay to class. Which is malufying. Good thing I was absent today. Although honestly if you ask me that essay was quite crappy. Just some ol' boring essay about the internet.

But real test all next year lah. Everything this year is chicken feet. So I've gotta start studying. Seriously. But with friends on holidays and breaks etc I can't seem to do that. =(

Oki, off now. Have a great day(as I did)!

God bless,
Jo

I'm lost

Don't know what to do. :-(

Don't know where to go. :-(

Don't know how to overcome it. :-(

This is bad. I haven't felt this feeling since.. I don't even know if I've ever felt it before.

*sigh*

Lord, show me what to do..

The very people who should be my greatest source of comfort is causing this turmoil. That's the worst part of it all.

I. want. to. leave.

How much more can I take? To appease, or to leave? Need I torment myself further?

It's okay this post isn't meant to be understood. =)

On a side note, I got an A for Econs. 75%.. not bad considering I only managed to cover 5 out of 10 chapters for the exam. Hehe, remember the threat by my Econs teacher about how nobody can get lower than me? Well, I think nearly all my classmates, save for 2 or 3 people will have to be kicked out of school. =P

However, this is only the beginning of form 6. The real test is in STPM. It's still easy now because my strong foundation from SPM days is helpful. But as it gets tougher..

So to sum it up, I got 1 A, 1 B, 2 TH(Tidak Hadir) for this semester. Not too bad, I think I won't be last in class. Those 2 subjects managed to beat quite a number who failed nearly(all?) every subject, so my TH for Business and History won't drag me down that much.

Oh, which reminds me. It's official now that I'm the assistant camp commandant for CF camp next year, and.. trust me, it's NO EASY TASK. But I have this urge to serve God in any way lately, so this is one of the ways I suppose. Whoever said serving God would be easy?

With me feeling this way about my problems lately it feels good to know that people actually trust me enough to hand me such a huge responsibility. Helping out in a camp for about 250 campers is not easy..! Nonetheless, it's God's hand in this camp. :-) We're just His vessels after all. We pray that souls will be reaped during this camp. In my opinion, camps like these are used to draw people closer to God, strengthen bonds between each other, and above all, to bring more people to Christ. Even one precious soul, if sincerely accepts Christ, then the months of planning, stress involved, money spent etc etc is worth it. Just one precious soul.

Okay so I digressed a bit. Thy will be done, Lord.

That's all for today. Take care and God bless.

Exhausted

Yeah, seriously exhausted.

And not just due to the badminton session earlier.

Exhausted with all I've been doing. I'm gonna stop going out... as soon as I can. Haha. Really can't help it lah.

Saw another young girl who could couldn't even hold a badminton racket properly when I first met her in training. And she is now Selangor's 3rd best player in her category.

Haha.

A guy I used to beat is now in Bukit Jalil Sports School(BJSS).

Another guy I never could beat is also in BJSS.

Another girl who was in the junior category, who also barely knew how to hold a racket when I knew her, is now Selangor's no. 1 player in her category.

And yet another girl whom I used to beat is now ranked 1st or 2nd in Selangor in her age category.

Another guy whom the coach never even thought of putting me against because our levels were THAT different is one of Selangor's top players now.

And yet another guy whom my coach, again, never put me against because I would have thrashed him, is one of Selangor's best players.

And now, all these players could probably thrash me on court anyday, anytime. Most of them, at least.

Well, I'm glad for them. :-)

After MSSD next year, I shall officially proclaim that I'm a retired Badminton Player, and will only play it for fun. I'll be 18 soon, and my body just can't take the wear and tear anymore. Even as I type this I'm worrying about my shoulder. My right shoulder, to be exact. To put it simply, I don't know how long more my right shoulder can last. And I'm already pushing it to the limit by training and playing so much lately.

Skipped school today again.

I will stop skipping so much school from now onwards.

Haha.

Cannot play play di lah.

Haiz.

But I watch some of my friends live for pleasure, and pleasure alone. And sometimes catch myself growing envious. I cannot join in the party, I just cannot.

Too exhausted to think further. A lil' bit random today. Hey, it's my blog! =P

God bless,
Jo

My first pass!

Lol.

I passed Pengajian Am. Considering I got 0/15 for my graph, a 62% is something unexpected. Hahaha. B- wei! And I didn't have time to study PA at all, was totally clueless about the essay based on the graph.

On top of that, I messed up one essay that I was aiming to score in, I couldn't find the appropriate words for 2 of my main points(eh I've not written a BM essay in 11 months ok, not since SPM), and got only 11/25 for it.

However, I got a 43/60 for... the part that is based on the textbook! LOL. The Kenegaraan part. I answered them all based on the little knowledge I have about our country. And got 43/60! Unexpected. I was aiming for 20+. I'm worried that if I do study for it I'll do badly next time. I don't mind a 43 at all. Haha.

Okay, so I messed up an essay and got 0/15 for the graph part(now I know how to draw them ok, just learnt today).. but managed to get 62%.

Well, I admit it's exceptionally low, but seeing I was expecting a borderline pass, I'm happy. Haha.

Will be waiting for Econs.. I managed to cover half the syllabus... curious to see what sorta marks I'll be getting. Hehe.

Was asked if I'd mind being the asst. camp comm. next year.. it'll be a lot of work, I was secretary last year and even then I did quite a bit of work. The camp comms. are the ones who do the real work load...

But then, I want to be serve in CF again, and what better way.. than this?

I remember staying up till 3am, 4am last year doing paperwork. I think it'll be tougher being the asst. camp comm..

On top of that, my school isn't allowing us to drop Business or Econs. And I need History and English Lit. to enter the Arts faculty of some unis.

So, YES. Unless I decide to transfer out of my school, I've no choice but to take 5 subjects.

Me: Teacher, it isn't fair that the school is forcing us to take subjects we don't want!
Teacher: Nevermindlah, you just focus on 4 subjects. They only count the top 4.
Me: After all nice results except one fail then how!
Teacher: *Exasperated face*

Yep, I've got a whole lot of workload to do.

But you know what? I feel good about it all. :-)

Thanks God!

What does growing up mean?

Ever wondered what growing up means?

Not in the physical sense.

I don't know. What does growing up mean? Perhaps...

To realise one day that life is no longer a nice bed of thornless roses?

If that's growing up then I grew up many many years ago. More than 10 years ago, to be precise.

To realise that people whom have sheltered you all your life may not always be there to help you find a footing in this world?

If that's growing up then I grew up pretty suddenly a few weeks back.

To realise that you can never ever create a perfect life for yourself?

Realised this ages ago.

To realise that eventually, people all work to get money to survive, and throw away ideals about the perfect job?

Threw away the notion of a perfect job long ago.

To realise that no matter how much one tries to win the game of life, there will never be a winner?

Is life even a game? A deadly one, perhaps.

To realise that death can snare anyone at anytime, irregardless of age, sex, social status, behaviour?

I have no problem with death. I fear living more than death.

To have our idealistic ideas about life completely, absolutely shattered, without even the slightest dignity of prevarications?

Tell me about it.

To realise that we ought to cherish our loved ones at all times before death tears them away from us with its vicious claws?

Talk about regret. :-(

There is no limit to growing up. People grow up at different paces, and growing up earlier/later than the rest is of no advantage/disadvantage. It is how we cope with growing up.

If those few statements I made define growing up, then I wish I never grew up. I wish I can throw away this cynical outlook I have of life. I wish I can throw away the burdens that come with growing up. I wish...

What I've really understood though, is that we are never, ever, ever done with growing up.

And that no matter how grown up we ever feel, we eventually find ourselves completely naked before God.

To run into the loving embrace of God is a remarkable thing. When I find Him pushing me towards something I don't want to do I usually desist from heading towards it and opt to run away. But always, always I find myself being tugged back to Him. My greatest fear is that I should someday give up running the race, and join in the world.

And it is during times like these that I realise I am but a child of God, and to rely on my own wisdom and strength would be the height of folly.

I am yours, Lord.

Oh, in conclusion to IPDA

Well, not yet a conclusion, still have to wait for approval from the Ministry Of Education (MOE).

But anyway, few days back I received a letter, IPDA forwarded a copy of what they sent to MOE for my 'quitting'.

It was just a letter that they typed, addressed to the Director of Bahagian Pendidikan Guru(BPG). And they included my original letter that I addressed to the Director of IPDA the same day I told IPDA I wanna quit my course. And a copy of my details, IC number etc etc.

The Hal Ehwal Pelajar(HEP) man who called up practically did that just to scold. No other reason, because I hadn't sent in any additional documents yet, but the letter from them arrived. In other words, no further paperwork was required from me, he just called up to scold me. Or my mum, in this case.

Never mind, it's a step closer to leaving IPDA permanently.

And btw, I never did go for the workshop. =P

God bless,
Jo

Been out so much I need to be home more

I really don't know why, I've just been going out. I really can't help it. It's like I'm constantly out, by myself, with friends, for badminton, for this, for that...

Some days I don't even see my parents till I reach home at night. *What a useless daughter*

But it's good also lah, they don't have to worry about me, they just worry about themselves, considering I find my own meals outside.

Lol, actually the one thing that seems to bring me close to home are guitar classes(nearby home), after that I usually go home. Hehe. I usually leave my guitar books in the car and go straight for class after I'm done going out.

I was SUPPOSED to train today. Lol, I was wondering how I'll survive on my busted knee but the dilemma was taken out of my hands. Why? At 10.55am, when I'm nicely driving into the badminton hall area, my coach calls me and tells me training is canceled. Training is at 11am. And badminton is about the only thing I'm ever early for. *Sigh*

Just remembered.. I'm supposed to go for a MELTA English Literature Workshop today at 2pm. I registered last week, then canceled it because I thought I have something up.. Now I realised I may be free... Debating if I should go.

I don't very much fancy the idea of going alone by LRT to KL and trying to find the place.

But I get this guilt feeling that I should care more about STPM and English Literature, I'm already months behind.

It'll be lame if I call up and register myself again after registering and deregistering myself before this.

And yet I should go for the sake of STPM.

But I don't want to go.

But I feel it's my responsibility to go.

Geez now I sound like Gollum from Lord of the Rings.

To go or not to go.. that is the question. My guilty conscience is nagging me to go! But but but... I don't want to go. =(

LOL this is pathetic.

I think I won't go. Reason(not EXCUSE ok, it's a valid REASON): I don't want to get lost in the middle of KL. Not safe nowadays. STPM may be important but I must protect my life first. Yes that's the best solution.

So why do I feel guilty?

It's no wonder they always say you can lie to everyone but yourself.

*Off to find myself something to do so that I don't feel guilty about it*

Oh maybe I should just go.

But but but..

I'll go next year lah. Going this year also useless, I'll know nuts about the stuff I'm supposed to read.

Crap I still feel guilty.

Irony

Isn't it ironical? I had an extremely tough training session(badminton lah what else) last Saturday and only suffered a few body aches(haven't trained in such a long time la!) after that, zero injuries.

Then yesterday I went for guitar class and after I came home I had this queer pain behind my left knee, especially when stretched. >>>>>?????!!!!!!!

I mean, all I did was sit down for an hour and play the guitar!

I suspect I tore my hamstring muscle, and maybe my cartilage too. But.. DURING GUITAR CLASS? Next thing I'll be suffering leg cramps when playing the piano.

This is-*speechless*

Already my left knee is slightly double-jointed, now I'll have to treat it like a normal, 'single-jointed' knee. Haha.

I don't care, I'm going for training this Saturday. This leg had better heal by then.

*Yeah I'm a stubborn pig, can't deny that fact.*

=) By the way, God is really working. =)

God bless,
Jo

=)!

I just realised, I'm no longer on a government scholarship, I'm free to join any activity I want! Especially events organised by certain parties! Hehe. I wanted to join a blood-donation campaign before but was hindered by the reminder that I'm a government scholar. No, I'm not being paranoid, I know what happens to some of those who 'support' the "wrong" side. No more! Freeeee! =P

Oh, apart from that, I think I can pass Pengajian Am today. Even if I fail, it'll probably be quite close to a pass. What has my life degraded to, till just the mere thought of PASSING makes me happy? But seriously, not bad wei, I don't know two hoots about PA and I think I can pass it! Hahaha. I'll probably get 0 for the format part in Paper 2, but my essays should be able to help me a bit. That's why I don't like formats. So rigid. =(

Haha.

Oh well. I'm skipping Business Studies tomorrow. I don't wanna fail it. =P This time it's a case of better absent than fail.

God bless,
Jo

Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron

I couldn't concentrate on my books last night and the entire day today. 2 days back I watched 'Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron'. I just felt the urge to watch it, and so I did.

The way Spirit refused to be broken despite all the torture and abuse it faced was astounding. The point when its legs shivered due to hunger and fatigue kinda reminded me of physical training during badminton (especially for today's training, haha!). And yet its determination not to be broken made me think, Wowee this horse has SPIRIT!

Then again, that was just a movie, a Disney one, with happy endings. How much can one go through in life without ending up broken, shattered into a million pieces at times? We can only find out...

I don't know why, but I get this feeling that life is going to change, for me. I don't know how distant, but I know the change involves me and me alone. Values? Attitude? I don't know. Oh, I'm definitely changing all right. I mean, I'm going to fail my paper tomorrow, but it doesn't bother me one tiny bit. Then I'm skipping 2 papers during this finals because I prefer a TH(Tidak hadir) compared to 1, 2 marks. Haha. But these are just trivial things. I keep feeling that I'll change in a drastic way. But I don't know what!

Anyway, it's really surprising how caustic some human beings can be during times like these. Seriously. Some people have been so wonderfully good and caring, and some have just inflicted pain and hurt.

It's so easy to put up a mask before man. But before God one feels so so vulnerable, without any mask to put up. I can't pretend that life is all fine and dandy before God, and it bothers me. For once my smiles can't seem to protect me, I'm left stripped of everything and just feeling plain vulnerable.

It's astonishing how some people believe that we should just allow death to come. Next time you get in a major road accident just lie on the road and wait to die lah, what for go to the hospital? Yeah, like I said, it's unbelievable how people can inflict hurt even during times like these.

It's very very easy to give up. Seriously. I rarely try it, but once you give up life becomes ever so easy. For instance, I gave up on passing my paper for tomorrow. Hence I spent my entire weekend going out, playing the piano, the guitar, watching the TV. The harder the fight, the easier to give up. But no, I will not give up. Not in the deeper sense.

If I ever gave up my faith I'll be rollicking through life right now, joining in secular pleasure. Seeing many badminton players do that, it's so easy just to join them. Don't even talk about badminton players, just look at my schoolmates and how some of them seem to live for pleasure and pleasure alone.

But never! Hebrews 12:1-4 says:

1Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.

2Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

3Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

4In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood.

The more I think of my future, the more I'm beginning to detest the idea of working to get money. I want to work with others, to help others, but I cannot feed myself by doing that. I still need money, which comes from a job! Gah. I'll leave this part to God though. After all, if he feeds the birds of the air, how much more need I worry?

Random post, have a nice day. =)

God bless,
Jo

IPDA-NEVER GOING BACK. NEVER.

I reached home today after school, and noticed a missed call on my handphone. It was a Kedah number, so I thought IPDA called me. Later on I asked my mom if IPDA called her. They did. You know what they did?

I don't know what to say. Tears of anger and frustration was my reaction. This man is ruthless, heartless, bestial, whatever similar words you can find. He shouted at my mom! Started threatening her, saying that I was trying to escape, saying that my letters were all a bluff (who would lie about cancer? I'm making my dad have cancer in a letter just to escape??), I just wanted to escape IPDA, I broke my contract, I now have to pay back RM 110k, demanding about my priorities, etc etc etc.

Besides, what is wrong if I just want to leave IPDA? I've been contemplating it ever since day one. They ought to ask themselves why, not victimize the already downtrodden(students). Even if dad didn't have cancer, if I had seen the true character of this man, I would have left. Come what hell he may give me. I am who I am, I will NOT be shouted at by a power-crazy man created to torture students. I've never taken well to the mad power exercised by PBSM commanders during camps, I'm taking this very very much worse. PBSM camp commanders are trivial compared to this man.

I don't know what to say to this. What is this man? Is a heart such a rare thing to possess nowadays? He's ruined the good name of IPDA in my eyes. Whatever good they may have possessed in my eyes is gone. Finished. Stripped away forever. Degraded to a place where they imprison unhappy souls ruled by tyrants. No, I will not say I exaggerate. Nor are they metaphors, these words I use. To have such a husband, dad, or son would be a terrifying thing to me. Animals lack compassion(even then, some good pet dogs can show compassion), but not human beings. That is why we human beings are different. What went wrong, what hardened this man until he has to torment others who are already suffering?

My mom did not stoop to his level. She tried to explain what the Bahagian Pendidikan Guru(BPG) said to her etc. He refused to listen, so she just patiently endured his abuse(I salute her, I would have hung up) until he realised that hey, this lady isn't shouting back at me. Then she explained the situation to him, what we are going to do, and politely requested for further details on what paperwork needs to be done. That was the original plan, IPDA was supposed to inform me about the further paperwork needed, what they will post to me. Only at the end he quietly asked if I was the only child left at home.

The BPG lady was right. She said, "If you don't trust IPDA to forward the letter to BPG, make another copy and send it to the BPG yourself." Perhaps they too know about the state of things in IPs, or perhaps IPDA?

It's one thing to shout at a student. It's a completely different thing to shout at a parent, what more a fellow senior teacher! Perhaps even more senior than him. I'm boiling mad at him. How much more does my mom need to go through?? We're fighting for a life here! We don't need to be bogged down by such trivial things that should be settled amicably.

If I ever felt any pang, any tinge of regret for leaving IPDA, it's all gone. I'm glad I'm home, and I'm here to stay. I'm going to pull through form 6, and will never step a foot into IPDA again. Or any other Institut Perguruan (IP) for that matter. One rotten egg spoils 20 fresh ones (in this case, 26 others).

On the other hand, my school teachers have been nothing less than caring. I have school teachers taking time to talk to me personally to ensure things are all right, that I'm feeling okay, how I'm coping with form 6, offering me extra help. THIS was where my love for teaching was rooted. Notice the word, 'was'. Some people asked me if I would consider teaching again after form 6. Few months back, I would have given an immediate 'yes'. However, as I told those who asked me... "I'm not sure anymore. I'm afraid of the teaching profession now, after IPDA."

I suppose some people think I lack mettle, some people think, "How bad can IPDA be?" I don't know how to describe it to you, my friends. It's easy and comfortable to get through life without opening your eyes to what truly goes on, but I chose to open my eyes to everything. I hated what I saw, but I'm glad I decided what I did after I saw what others refused to see.

To fellow IPDA students, hang in there! Or else leave. As BPG said, it's not IPDA that picks the students. So by right, IPDA cannot stop us from leaving. They may shout at us all they want, but if they watch their students slowly trickle away, they'll realise something is wrong. Whether they choose to change or not, I'm not staying around to see.

On a side note, today my Econs teacher told my class, "No one can get lower than Joanne for finals!" Talk about... lack of pressure. HAHAHA. I take it as a challenge though. My finals are next week. =P

Take care, God bless,
Jo

I want...

.. to lead a nice, comfy, sheltered life. Where death is nothing but a thing that happens to others, not to people I know and love. Where killer diseases and accidents and calamities and disorders and.. and and... everything bad is just something I hear on the news, I see on the TV, I read in the newspapers. Where my life is like living under this nice shady umbrella that protects me although things are crashing all around me.

Is that too much to ask for????

Apparently so.

I've been going out a lot, playing badminton, sitting in front of the laptop only late at night after I'm done going out the past few days. To forget about life's problems? I don't know. Possibly, my subconscious mind is attempting to distract me from everything.

However.. today in the cinema.. I could scarcely concentrate on the movie.. I suddenly kept thinking of everything from the past two weeks. It's as if my mind and heart have finally been steeled to accept the inevitable.

When people ask me how I am (it seems to be the standard question these days), I usually answer.. 'tired'. Emotionally, physically, mentally, perhaps even spiritually, I am tired. Exhausted, to be precise.

It's great to know that God is in control, especially during times like these. =)

I'm home. FOR GOOD! =D

Well, 'for good' as in, I never have to return to IPDA again. Can you BELIEVE THAT???? Well actually they can attempt to force me back but I won't go back. Haha. Yeah I know, the Joanne you know will never do that. Well, I can say IPDA did that to me. Hardened me, somewhat. I suppose I learned a lot and hardened quite a bit living in Jitra. *sigh*

Anyway, yesterday a few cousins and aunt went up to Jitra to get my car down. Stayed overnight, and came down today. I drove all the way from Kedah to PJ in my lil' Kenari! Haha. Am I proud of that feat! =P 11.30am we left, arrived at 5.45pm. Hehehe. Considering the erratic weather on the way back (and a couple of breaks in between), I think we made it in pretty good time.

Don't la laugh at me.. my license only 7 months old ok... hahaha. And I reached PJ in one piece. =D

Form 6 starting next Monday.

It's so so so interesting to see what God has in plan for me next(aside from making me grow up another few years in a span of a few days, I mean).

I've been playing with a thought of what to do in the future lately.. just building castles in the air, but nonetheless, that's how all great things began, no?

Well, till the next time,
God bless,
Jo

P.S. What I need for now is some semblance to normality. Things aren't normal, I know, but some semblance of normality would do wonders to my exhausted self.

I'm HOME! =)

Home is where some people lie around and get fat. =)

Well, anyway, I'm home. Feels wonderful to know that it's for good, this time.

My classmates gave me a really touching farewell today, some of them even cried. So so so sweet of them! I felt pangs of regret that I was leaving them at that point, seeing how genuinely sad all of them were. Really, I mean, I'm not that fantastic a person, all my life I've never expected to evoke such emotions from other people. Today(yesterday, rather, it's 2.07am now) was a first.

Then in the midst of it all, a sms came, informing that dad was about to start his treatment, and to be strong. That was when all feelings of regret vanished, as after that sms I knew where I needed to be.

Will need to be in the hospital tomorrow.. even if I can't do anything physically, my presence there will help. =) That ward is grim and depressing.. but.. thinking of dad lying there alone right now.. Yes, I know where I'm needed. No matter what others think, I'm following my heart this time.

Too tired to blog now,

Would love to thank all who encouraged me all this while, and if any of my coursemates read my blog, thanks for making my stay in IPDA bearable. =) Although frankly speaking, I don't want to know if any of my coursemates read my blog. I'll feel rather restrained then..

God bless,
Jo

Good day =)

Well, I supposed I exaggerated the IPDA giving me hell part yesterday. I was blogging at my lowest, most tired state you see..

Anyway, today things went much better. The lecturers must have been talking about me because today somehow they were much nicer. "I heard you're a good student.. what a waste.." and I'm thinking, 'How can they possibly judge that I'm a good student in such a short period of time??'

Anyway, the surprising thing is I'll miss the 2 most 'unimportant' subject lecturers.. ICT and Recreational Sports(RS). Haha. They are both guys, fatherly sorta-guys, perhaps that's why I'll miss them. I don't know, why else? Lol! They in turn seemed genuinely upset/sad when they heard I was leaving. My ICT lecturer asked to see me 'for a minute' when he heard from my classmates. Then asked me the usual stuff, and said he hoped to see me around somewhere someday.. haha. Whatever that means. And my RS lecturer expressed shock, then wished me all the best, shook my hand. Then he found out I'm entering form 6, the arts stream, and gave me some notes on Pengajian Perniagaan. Hehehe. That's cool of him, isn't it? =)

Anyway, things aren't THAT settled yet, I'll hand in my letter to apply for leave this Sunday(coming up to collect car) as the office is still open. Whether they approve the leave or not is another story.. that frankly speaking, I'm not staying around to see.

And yet another phase, albeit short phase of life coming to an end. hehehe. I'll miss some things, some people, but am happy that I'm returning for form 6. =) Form 6 ain't easy I know, but the thought of being home.. especially at times like these.. some people think my decision to leave is rash, and very very short-termed. They think I'm not looking at the bigger picture, my future.

What did I realise yesterday?

I'm no longer going to plan so far ahead anymore. In form 3-5, I lived my life such that I thought I could control my future by planning everything meticulously. Study hard, play badminton, join many clubs, get many posts, represent school in all I can, etc etc etc. All in hopes of securing a scholarship.

I secured 2 scholarships. Law, something I'm not even considering now, but applied just for the sake of applying. And this TESL course, the course I thought would be a dream come true if I had gotten it. And I did, I came to IPDA with such high hopes and expectations. Needless to say, my expectations and hopes were shattered pretty quickly, but I stuck on, telling myself to look far into the future.. to become a teacher, and not to quit because of the environment. Well.. as circumstances would have it.. as CP said, although she thinks what I'm doing is rather short-termed, she knows it wouldn't be me if I stayed away from home at this time.

What my cousins told me(they lost their dad).. 'Education can be done anytime. But you only have 1 father.' How true, isn't it? I'm only 17. Do I want to stubbornly stay on in Kedah? No, definitely not. People say that my future doesn't tie-in with my dad. But who gave me hope for my future? Who brought me up? Are you saying that because dad has done his part, dad has brought me up well, I'm now to cut all ties with him because he will influence my future otherwise? I know my parents too don't want to 'affect my future', so to speak. But we both know that they will be much much happier with me at home. I watch them going back to and fro the hospital, and my heart told me that I can't leave them home alone. Especially mom, who has been going on some kinda super human strength during this trying period. Last I heard, I've now been included in the 'take care of dad' agenda. =)

Anyway, yes, I found myself again planning my whole future for after STPM. And remembered what someone told me when I said I stay on in IPDA only because I am assured of a job: "Excuse me, you've forgotten who you have up there! What insecurity are you talking about!" I'm sorry, it's a bad habit. I just like to plan very far into the future. That's why.. I can't do that now. I don't know what is going to happen tomorrow, how much more can I plan my future in years to come??

Before this I've always been able to control my life. I know if I study hard, do well in koko, I'll probably get a scholarship. I know if I prepare well for an interview and impress the interviewers, I would probably be able to get scholarships easily.

But in dad's case, there is nothing to do but pray. Seriously, there is NOTHING I can do besides pray. I can scream, cry, attempt to find the best oncologist in the world, but healing is in God's hands. I feel so so so helpless at times. But I realised.. that's the way I should always have lived life. Leave it all in God's hands, realising that no matter how hard I try, God can turn my whole life around anytime He wills. Of course, I still have my part to play, but I must always bear in mind that there is nothing predictable in life.

You know how people wake up from nightmares? I feel like I wake up INTO a nightmare lately, and sleep is a way of escaping from this nightmare.

That was in the beginning. Now I'm feeling much better, and do not dread waking up anymore, and sinking feeling in my stomach seems to be gone lately. However, I know things will get tougher after I reach home, when treatment starts.

Nevertheless... God is good. =) If the Lord is for me, then who can be against me?

Well, I'm leaving. Whether they let me or not.

Called up Bahagian Pendidikan Guru(BPG), Ministry of Education(MOE) yesterday. Rather, I asked mom to call, you know lah these adults, won't entertain students very well. Anyway, they gave us the procedures on how to quit this course. Which they seemed really uncertain. Do so few trainee teachers quit teaching colleges?? Looking at IPDA I'm surprised I seem to be the pioneer. Lol. Yeah, seriously. IPDA's people were like, "Apa prosedur lagi??" (What's the next procedure??). Hahaha.

Good thing I started from the top. I knew that if I started from IPDA, I would encounter a lot of delay and obstacles. Once IPDA knew I had already asked BPG they couldn't say much. *Hint, to all who want to quit IPDA, go through BPG first*

People were in shocked though when I told them I'm quitting this course. I know many many many people are unhappy in IPDA, I can honestly say I've never seen so many unhappy students putting themselves through such torture in a single learning institute before. Except maybe in prison..

So many of my coursemates always sigh and regret coming here. For me, before this, I disliked the place, the environment, the stifling rules, but I stuck on.. as I blogged before, because of this course. Because I enjoyed the course, and because I want to become a teacher. I have always told my coursemates, if you don't want to become a teacher, why stay on in this course?

Thankfully, my aim has never been Portsmouth (blogged that before too). Otherwise I would have a harder time letting go of this course.

Anyway, I talked to my teacher, she told me about university life.. and the lines that struck me were, "These next few years should be the best years of your life." How very true. The transition between teenage years to adulthood should be great because basically we get to enjoy the best of both worlds.

But lately, even before dad's case, I've been finding myself.. stifled. I find myself yearning for more challenges. Must be why I seem to impress my literature lecturer so much. With the brain disallowed to explore and expand all my energy has been concentrated on literature. Haha. So all I do is interpret all my literature texts to my utmost satisfaction. I tell you ah, if I had this kinda brain power for SPM Eng. Lit. last year I would have been one heck of a literature student. Hahaha! I long for deeper discussions.. I don't know exactly what I found myself yearning for, but it's for something more challenging I suppose.

And no, I mean real brain challenges. Not challenges to race against the deadline to finish assignments. Out of 4 assignments so far, 3 of them have suddenly been 're-briefed' by our lecturers at the very last minute. Meaning when many of us have finished our assignments and are ready to hand in our drafts, our lecturers suddenly realise the folly of their earlier briefing and decide to brief us ALLL OVER AGAIN. In other words, we have to change our entire assignment to their new format etc. Oh, not to mention that when some students have stayed up the entire night trying to meet the deadline due to this 'awesome' last-minute system,they suddenly decide to extend the dateline. It's no good for nerves, I tell you.

And the sole assignment that didn't require a re-briefing? The lecturers didn't give two hoots about it, that's why. And even that wasn't 'disaster-free', so to speak. Our question paper never did state the time to hand in (normally the question states hand in by (date), 12 noon, or 4pm). So we assumed that this meant it would be 4pm. Guess what? At 11.55am the lecturer informs us that those who hand in after 12noon would have their marks deducted. We had people running all the way from the library to hand in their assignments. Even then I don't know how many were late. But were we really late, or just another reflection of sheer incompetence on the lecturers' part?

Early in our semester they(lecturers) promised that we could find them anytime for problems in assignments, we could hand in our drafts to any of them, they would check etc etc etc. All lies, I tell you. Yeah, seriously. I've never found myself so broken over these blatant forgotten promises/assurances. When we students ask lecturers to check our drafts, the lecturers tell us that they are too busy, or tell us to find our own lecturer(even though our lecturer isn't around), or just skim through the entire draft without reading, just checking that we have all our parts a, b, c, etc inside, or better still, "May I have the question, please?"

It's frustrating. None of my drafts have ever been checked, and honestly speaking even if I had decided to continue in this course I won't hand in my drafts anymore.

I'm glad I'm leaving this course. Seriously. I thought I would get used to it, and life seemed to be going uphill for a few days or so. Then the lecturers start their last minute re-briefings again. I don't know how much more we can take, it's not that we are last minute, we are doing DOUBLE the workload! We finish our assignments, and find out it's all wrong. In our lecturers' eyes, anyway. And we are given limited time to redo the entire assignment. I really don't know what that is called.. if I've to go through this the entire 2 years... it's as if we do our assignments and just wait to be told that we are all wrong, and have to redo entire assignments. They are ever so fearful of 'Portsmouth people coming to check.' My question is, "Who's paying who? Portsmouth is paying Malaysia??" If the lecturers deem themselves good enough to be English lecturers and examiners, why do they fear these 'Portsmouth people' so much??

Sorry lah just a lil' frustrated cause today was another 're-briefing' day. And more 'Portsmouth people coming to check' lines.

IPDA still trying to give me trouble though over leaving. They want me to return after Raya. I told them no, I have to start form 6. And I do not intend to come back and sit around like these few days when I know I'm leaving anyway. If they want to force me back after Raya, I'll just.. not go. It's so simple. They can kick me out then, whichever requires less paperwork. The BPG makes is so so so simple to get out. IPDA is practically giving me hell about it. Okay, not that much, because I emphasised many many many times, that BPG said I can leave before paperwork is done, as long as IPDA gives me the green light. Unfortunately, IPDA doesn't want to give me the green light. They said they must get the approval from BPG first. Which the BPG people specifically said will take time, and I can leave as long as IPDA approves. Haiz, IPDA IPDA, why do you enjoy tormenting students such?

I tell you, if not for dad's case I'll be going through the deepest level of hell IPDA could possibly think of right now. Even with his case I'm given such a hard time over it. Drained emotionally and physically lately, this added stress from them just piles it all on.

But it's been going pretty smoothly lah, better than I expected. For one I've not been sent to see the Pengarah/Timbalan Pengarah.. yet.

Oh well. God is in control. =)

.......

So.. dad has cancer. Past few days have been really tough and trying.

Plus more than ever I don't want to stay in my course. Don't get me wrong, that isn't the only factor, but it's one of the factors.

Right now my sole aim is to study, get a degree, graduate, and start working. Forget illusions about dreams for a perfect lifelong career(is there such a thing anyway, a perfect career?).

Will have a discussion with a teacher later on regarding this.

I just hope I don't encounter too many obstacles on the way.

Like dad says, God is in control. =)

Honestly speaking, I'll be overjoyed if I can restore my life back in PJ.

It was a.. Break day.

Make or break.. well, it ended up break.

However, thanks to those who showed me support all the way. :-) Your messages, prayers and even visit (thanks Melody) have really encouraged me.

I now have to decide over several decisions. Tough ones. So.. I'm not deciding them. I'll pray over all these issues, and where God wills, I will go.

I was reminded of so many things today, whether these verses surfaced from memory, or given by friends.

Jesus being strengthened by the angel when he cried to God:

Luke 22:41-44
41 And He was withdrawn from them about a stone’s throw, and He knelt down and prayed, 42 saying, “Father, if it is Your will, take this cup away from Me; nevertheless not My will, but Yours, be done.” 43 Then an angel appeared to Him from heaven, strengthening Him. 44 And being in agony, He prayed more earnestly. Then His sweat became like great drops of blood falling down to the ground.


When in distress:

Psalm 4:1
1 Hear me when I call, O God of my righteousness!
You have relieved me in my distress;
Have mercy on me, and hear my prayer.


To have peace:

John 14:27
27 Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.


To quit being anxious:

Philippians 4:6
6 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God.

And Genesis 22... Where Abraham was asked by God to sacrifice his one and only son.. and he nearly did, until God stopped him.

How much am I willing to give up?

Most importantly, WHAT is God's will for me now?

Everything seems so temporal and earthly I've no qualms about giving up things now anyway. But I want to seek God's will.

Thank God for my parents' faith though. In the midst of this tribulation their faith seems stronger than ever before. They are both worried about my bro and I, we in turn are both worried about them.

Well, for now I've got to turn God in prayer.. If there is any time I feel He is real and right beside me, it is now. I can't believe I used to worry over trivial matters.

Whoever said life was easy???

And doing assignments is the last thing on my mind now. Yet that is what I have to do.. mostly just doing blind reading, trying to write a half-decent essay.

Just remembered I have to study for a quiz too. Yet another drawback in IPDA is the fact that I can't just skip class if I really don't feel up to it. Today I just sat through class, in a hazy, dazed way, wondering about the results. When I found out the results, it was as if.. it was expected, but.. reality struck, hard.

I'm wondering how I'll get through class tomorrow. And the day after. For the remaining of this semester, actually. If this were a normal college/form 6 I'll take a break from it already. Unfortunately, it isn't. With assignment deadlines to meet, quizzes, and the 'no skipping class' rule, I've got to drag this wretched body through it all. I wonder if time really heals all wounds? I doubt so.

Yet again I'm forgetting to commit it to God.

Lord, speak to me.

And I'm fine, really, to all who are wondering. As good as I can get. After all, this isn't about me.

God bless,
Jo

Tomorrow is the make or break day.

Whichever it is..

Lord, grant us all peace and comfort.

Tomorrow decides everything...

All I can do is cry to You, that You will reveal Yourself in Your mysterious way..

Thanks for being such a comfort, Lord. Especially today, when I despaired.

Tag...

Jan tagged me. On purpose! Would ya believe that???

Hmmph. Anyway, here goes..

If your lover betrayed you, what will your reaction be?
Based on experience books, the betrayed lover usually commits suicide throws a tantrum or weeps. So.. I suppose my reaction may emulate that?

If you can have a dream to come true, what would it be?
To play badminton for Malaysia. The experience of that would be awesome! =D You did ask for a dream, no?

What will your dream wedding to be like?
Where I don't trip over my wedding gown or sprain my ankles due to my high heels.

On your wedding day, what you would like to see?
All my family and friends there for me. :-)

Are you confused as to what lies ahead of you?
For the moment, nope. In 5-6 years time, yes. However, am leaving it to God.

What's your ideal lover like?
I dunno..?

Which is more blessed? Loving someone or being loved by someone?
Loving someone. But I must say being loved feels nicer. But the politically-correct answer is to say loving someone. =P

How long do you intend to wait for someone you really love?
Do I have a choice?

If the person you secretly like is already attached, what would you do?
We'll cross the bridge when we come to it.

Is there anything that has made you unhappy these days?
Growing up.

How do you see yourself in 10 years time?
Good question.

Who are currently the most important people to you?
Family and friends.

Would you rather be rich and single or married but poor?
Define how rich, and how poor, and WHO I'll be married to.

What's the first thing you do every morning?
Groan because I've got to leave my lovely bed.

Would you give all in a relationship?
What kinda relationship?

If you fall in love with 2 people simultaneously, who would you pick?
The one I love more. HAHAHA. Oh wait, the one who loves me more. =P

What type of friends do you like?
Quoting Jan, "Nice people... =)"


What type of friends do you dislike?
I wouldn't like to dislike my friends...

Are you a virgin?
Tell you for what?

Have you ever lied to your parents?
Hmmm...

What did you lie about?
Hmmmmmmm...

Currently, are you having any crush on anyone?
AFAIK, nope.

Hint about him/her?
I just said nope!

Do you think the guy/girl knows?
I JUST SAID NOPE!

What phrases do you usually say when something unexpected happens?
HUH YOU SERIOUS ONE ARH HOW COME I DUNNO HOW YOU KNOW?!

What annoys you the most?
Lizards.

What is your current obsession?
Trying to get some exercise here in Jitra.

Who do you short text the most these days?
Too many. Distance makes your heart grow fonder. =P

Who do you miss alot now?
A lot of people.

Which secondary school friend you miss alot?
Many many many.

Who do you idolise now?
No one.

Biggest fear?
That I drop out of The Race.

Favorite hang out place?
Anywhere with friends or family.

Made any new friends recently?
Any? LOL. I just landed myself in a whole new planet! The appropriate word would be MANY.

What kind of mood are you in most of the time?
Before I came to Kedah, pretty cheerful all the time. First few weeks in Kedah, I swung between many moods. Recently it's gone back to cheerful.. most of the time. Haha.

If you were to go out with any group of friends, who will you choose?
Why must I choose? I've got plenty of time to go out with whomever I wish.

Do you like the person who tagged you?
Hahaha. Do I like you, Jan? =P

I tag:
I'm not that mean. =)

K, enjoy your weekends!

To Jan and CP, enjoy your holidays. Mine's over. =( Haha. For now.