I'm lost

Don't know what to do. :-(

Don't know where to go. :-(

Don't know how to overcome it. :-(

This is bad. I haven't felt this feeling since.. I don't even know if I've ever felt it before.

*sigh*

Lord, show me what to do..

The very people who should be my greatest source of comfort is causing this turmoil. That's the worst part of it all.

I. want. to. leave.

How much more can I take? To appease, or to leave? Need I torment myself further?

It's okay this post isn't meant to be understood. =)

On a side note, I got an A for Econs. 75%.. not bad considering I only managed to cover 5 out of 10 chapters for the exam. Hehe, remember the threat by my Econs teacher about how nobody can get lower than me? Well, I think nearly all my classmates, save for 2 or 3 people will have to be kicked out of school. =P

However, this is only the beginning of form 6. The real test is in STPM. It's still easy now because my strong foundation from SPM days is helpful. But as it gets tougher..

So to sum it up, I got 1 A, 1 B, 2 TH(Tidak Hadir) for this semester. Not too bad, I think I won't be last in class. Those 2 subjects managed to beat quite a number who failed nearly(all?) every subject, so my TH for Business and History won't drag me down that much.

Oh, which reminds me. It's official now that I'm the assistant camp commandant for CF camp next year, and.. trust me, it's NO EASY TASK. But I have this urge to serve God in any way lately, so this is one of the ways I suppose. Whoever said serving God would be easy?

With me feeling this way about my problems lately it feels good to know that people actually trust me enough to hand me such a huge responsibility. Helping out in a camp for about 250 campers is not easy..! Nonetheless, it's God's hand in this camp. :-) We're just His vessels after all. We pray that souls will be reaped during this camp. In my opinion, camps like these are used to draw people closer to God, strengthen bonds between each other, and above all, to bring more people to Christ. Even one precious soul, if sincerely accepts Christ, then the months of planning, stress involved, money spent etc etc is worth it. Just one precious soul.

Okay so I digressed a bit. Thy will be done, Lord.

That's all for today. Take care and God bless.

Exhausted

Yeah, seriously exhausted.

And not just due to the badminton session earlier.

Exhausted with all I've been doing. I'm gonna stop going out... as soon as I can. Haha. Really can't help it lah.

Saw another young girl who could couldn't even hold a badminton racket properly when I first met her in training. And she is now Selangor's 3rd best player in her category.

Haha.

A guy I used to beat is now in Bukit Jalil Sports School(BJSS).

Another guy I never could beat is also in BJSS.

Another girl who was in the junior category, who also barely knew how to hold a racket when I knew her, is now Selangor's no. 1 player in her category.

And yet another girl whom I used to beat is now ranked 1st or 2nd in Selangor in her age category.

Another guy whom the coach never even thought of putting me against because our levels were THAT different is one of Selangor's top players now.

And yet another guy whom my coach, again, never put me against because I would have thrashed him, is one of Selangor's best players.

And now, all these players could probably thrash me on court anyday, anytime. Most of them, at least.

Well, I'm glad for them. :-)

After MSSD next year, I shall officially proclaim that I'm a retired Badminton Player, and will only play it for fun. I'll be 18 soon, and my body just can't take the wear and tear anymore. Even as I type this I'm worrying about my shoulder. My right shoulder, to be exact. To put it simply, I don't know how long more my right shoulder can last. And I'm already pushing it to the limit by training and playing so much lately.

Skipped school today again.

I will stop skipping so much school from now onwards.

Haha.

Cannot play play di lah.

Haiz.

But I watch some of my friends live for pleasure, and pleasure alone. And sometimes catch myself growing envious. I cannot join in the party, I just cannot.

Too exhausted to think further. A lil' bit random today. Hey, it's my blog! =P

God bless,
Jo

My first pass!

Lol.

I passed Pengajian Am. Considering I got 0/15 for my graph, a 62% is something unexpected. Hahaha. B- wei! And I didn't have time to study PA at all, was totally clueless about the essay based on the graph.

On top of that, I messed up one essay that I was aiming to score in, I couldn't find the appropriate words for 2 of my main points(eh I've not written a BM essay in 11 months ok, not since SPM), and got only 11/25 for it.

However, I got a 43/60 for... the part that is based on the textbook! LOL. The Kenegaraan part. I answered them all based on the little knowledge I have about our country. And got 43/60! Unexpected. I was aiming for 20+. I'm worried that if I do study for it I'll do badly next time. I don't mind a 43 at all. Haha.

Okay, so I messed up an essay and got 0/15 for the graph part(now I know how to draw them ok, just learnt today).. but managed to get 62%.

Well, I admit it's exceptionally low, but seeing I was expecting a borderline pass, I'm happy. Haha.

Will be waiting for Econs.. I managed to cover half the syllabus... curious to see what sorta marks I'll be getting. Hehe.

Was asked if I'd mind being the asst. camp comm. next year.. it'll be a lot of work, I was secretary last year and even then I did quite a bit of work. The camp comms. are the ones who do the real work load...

But then, I want to be serve in CF again, and what better way.. than this?

I remember staying up till 3am, 4am last year doing paperwork. I think it'll be tougher being the asst. camp comm..

On top of that, my school isn't allowing us to drop Business or Econs. And I need History and English Lit. to enter the Arts faculty of some unis.

So, YES. Unless I decide to transfer out of my school, I've no choice but to take 5 subjects.

Me: Teacher, it isn't fair that the school is forcing us to take subjects we don't want!
Teacher: Nevermindlah, you just focus on 4 subjects. They only count the top 4.
Me: After all nice results except one fail then how!
Teacher: *Exasperated face*

Yep, I've got a whole lot of workload to do.

But you know what? I feel good about it all. :-)

Thanks God!

What does growing up mean?

Ever wondered what growing up means?

Not in the physical sense.

I don't know. What does growing up mean? Perhaps...

To realise one day that life is no longer a nice bed of thornless roses?

If that's growing up then I grew up many many years ago. More than 10 years ago, to be precise.

To realise that people whom have sheltered you all your life may not always be there to help you find a footing in this world?

If that's growing up then I grew up pretty suddenly a few weeks back.

To realise that you can never ever create a perfect life for yourself?

Realised this ages ago.

To realise that eventually, people all work to get money to survive, and throw away ideals about the perfect job?

Threw away the notion of a perfect job long ago.

To realise that no matter how much one tries to win the game of life, there will never be a winner?

Is life even a game? A deadly one, perhaps.

To realise that death can snare anyone at anytime, irregardless of age, sex, social status, behaviour?

I have no problem with death. I fear living more than death.

To have our idealistic ideas about life completely, absolutely shattered, without even the slightest dignity of prevarications?

Tell me about it.

To realise that we ought to cherish our loved ones at all times before death tears them away from us with its vicious claws?

Talk about regret. :-(

There is no limit to growing up. People grow up at different paces, and growing up earlier/later than the rest is of no advantage/disadvantage. It is how we cope with growing up.

If those few statements I made define growing up, then I wish I never grew up. I wish I can throw away this cynical outlook I have of life. I wish I can throw away the burdens that come with growing up. I wish...

What I've really understood though, is that we are never, ever, ever done with growing up.

And that no matter how grown up we ever feel, we eventually find ourselves completely naked before God.

To run into the loving embrace of God is a remarkable thing. When I find Him pushing me towards something I don't want to do I usually desist from heading towards it and opt to run away. But always, always I find myself being tugged back to Him. My greatest fear is that I should someday give up running the race, and join in the world.

And it is during times like these that I realise I am but a child of God, and to rely on my own wisdom and strength would be the height of folly.

I am yours, Lord.

Oh, in conclusion to IPDA

Well, not yet a conclusion, still have to wait for approval from the Ministry Of Education (MOE).

But anyway, few days back I received a letter, IPDA forwarded a copy of what they sent to MOE for my 'quitting'.

It was just a letter that they typed, addressed to the Director of Bahagian Pendidikan Guru(BPG). And they included my original letter that I addressed to the Director of IPDA the same day I told IPDA I wanna quit my course. And a copy of my details, IC number etc etc.

The Hal Ehwal Pelajar(HEP) man who called up practically did that just to scold. No other reason, because I hadn't sent in any additional documents yet, but the letter from them arrived. In other words, no further paperwork was required from me, he just called up to scold me. Or my mum, in this case.

Never mind, it's a step closer to leaving IPDA permanently.

And btw, I never did go for the workshop. =P

God bless,
Jo

Been out so much I need to be home more

I really don't know why, I've just been going out. I really can't help it. It's like I'm constantly out, by myself, with friends, for badminton, for this, for that...

Some days I don't even see my parents till I reach home at night. *What a useless daughter*

But it's good also lah, they don't have to worry about me, they just worry about themselves, considering I find my own meals outside.

Lol, actually the one thing that seems to bring me close to home are guitar classes(nearby home), after that I usually go home. Hehe. I usually leave my guitar books in the car and go straight for class after I'm done going out.

I was SUPPOSED to train today. Lol, I was wondering how I'll survive on my busted knee but the dilemma was taken out of my hands. Why? At 10.55am, when I'm nicely driving into the badminton hall area, my coach calls me and tells me training is canceled. Training is at 11am. And badminton is about the only thing I'm ever early for. *Sigh*

Just remembered.. I'm supposed to go for a MELTA English Literature Workshop today at 2pm. I registered last week, then canceled it because I thought I have something up.. Now I realised I may be free... Debating if I should go.

I don't very much fancy the idea of going alone by LRT to KL and trying to find the place.

But I get this guilt feeling that I should care more about STPM and English Literature, I'm already months behind.

It'll be lame if I call up and register myself again after registering and deregistering myself before this.

And yet I should go for the sake of STPM.

But I don't want to go.

But I feel it's my responsibility to go.

Geez now I sound like Gollum from Lord of the Rings.

To go or not to go.. that is the question. My guilty conscience is nagging me to go! But but but... I don't want to go. =(

LOL this is pathetic.

I think I won't go. Reason(not EXCUSE ok, it's a valid REASON): I don't want to get lost in the middle of KL. Not safe nowadays. STPM may be important but I must protect my life first. Yes that's the best solution.

So why do I feel guilty?

It's no wonder they always say you can lie to everyone but yourself.

*Off to find myself something to do so that I don't feel guilty about it*

Oh maybe I should just go.

But but but..

I'll go next year lah. Going this year also useless, I'll know nuts about the stuff I'm supposed to read.

Crap I still feel guilty.

Irony

Isn't it ironical? I had an extremely tough training session(badminton lah what else) last Saturday and only suffered a few body aches(haven't trained in such a long time la!) after that, zero injuries.

Then yesterday I went for guitar class and after I came home I had this queer pain behind my left knee, especially when stretched. >>>>>?????!!!!!!!

I mean, all I did was sit down for an hour and play the guitar!

I suspect I tore my hamstring muscle, and maybe my cartilage too. But.. DURING GUITAR CLASS? Next thing I'll be suffering leg cramps when playing the piano.

This is-*speechless*

Already my left knee is slightly double-jointed, now I'll have to treat it like a normal, 'single-jointed' knee. Haha.

I don't care, I'm going for training this Saturday. This leg had better heal by then.

*Yeah I'm a stubborn pig, can't deny that fact.*

=) By the way, God is really working. =)

God bless,
Jo

=)!

I just realised, I'm no longer on a government scholarship, I'm free to join any activity I want! Especially events organised by certain parties! Hehe. I wanted to join a blood-donation campaign before but was hindered by the reminder that I'm a government scholar. No, I'm not being paranoid, I know what happens to some of those who 'support' the "wrong" side. No more! Freeeee! =P

Oh, apart from that, I think I can pass Pengajian Am today. Even if I fail, it'll probably be quite close to a pass. What has my life degraded to, till just the mere thought of PASSING makes me happy? But seriously, not bad wei, I don't know two hoots about PA and I think I can pass it! Hahaha. I'll probably get 0 for the format part in Paper 2, but my essays should be able to help me a bit. That's why I don't like formats. So rigid. =(

Haha.

Oh well. I'm skipping Business Studies tomorrow. I don't wanna fail it. =P This time it's a case of better absent than fail.

God bless,
Jo

Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron

I couldn't concentrate on my books last night and the entire day today. 2 days back I watched 'Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron'. I just felt the urge to watch it, and so I did.

The way Spirit refused to be broken despite all the torture and abuse it faced was astounding. The point when its legs shivered due to hunger and fatigue kinda reminded me of physical training during badminton (especially for today's training, haha!). And yet its determination not to be broken made me think, Wowee this horse has SPIRIT!

Then again, that was just a movie, a Disney one, with happy endings. How much can one go through in life without ending up broken, shattered into a million pieces at times? We can only find out...

I don't know why, but I get this feeling that life is going to change, for me. I don't know how distant, but I know the change involves me and me alone. Values? Attitude? I don't know. Oh, I'm definitely changing all right. I mean, I'm going to fail my paper tomorrow, but it doesn't bother me one tiny bit. Then I'm skipping 2 papers during this finals because I prefer a TH(Tidak hadir) compared to 1, 2 marks. Haha. But these are just trivial things. I keep feeling that I'll change in a drastic way. But I don't know what!

Anyway, it's really surprising how caustic some human beings can be during times like these. Seriously. Some people have been so wonderfully good and caring, and some have just inflicted pain and hurt.

It's so easy to put up a mask before man. But before God one feels so so vulnerable, without any mask to put up. I can't pretend that life is all fine and dandy before God, and it bothers me. For once my smiles can't seem to protect me, I'm left stripped of everything and just feeling plain vulnerable.

It's astonishing how some people believe that we should just allow death to come. Next time you get in a major road accident just lie on the road and wait to die lah, what for go to the hospital? Yeah, like I said, it's unbelievable how people can inflict hurt even during times like these.

It's very very easy to give up. Seriously. I rarely try it, but once you give up life becomes ever so easy. For instance, I gave up on passing my paper for tomorrow. Hence I spent my entire weekend going out, playing the piano, the guitar, watching the TV. The harder the fight, the easier to give up. But no, I will not give up. Not in the deeper sense.

If I ever gave up my faith I'll be rollicking through life right now, joining in secular pleasure. Seeing many badminton players do that, it's so easy just to join them. Don't even talk about badminton players, just look at my schoolmates and how some of them seem to live for pleasure and pleasure alone.

But never! Hebrews 12:1-4 says:

1Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.

2Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

3Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

4In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood.

The more I think of my future, the more I'm beginning to detest the idea of working to get money. I want to work with others, to help others, but I cannot feed myself by doing that. I still need money, which comes from a job! Gah. I'll leave this part to God though. After all, if he feeds the birds of the air, how much more need I worry?

Random post, have a nice day. =)

God bless,
Jo

IPDA-NEVER GOING BACK. NEVER.

I reached home today after school, and noticed a missed call on my handphone. It was a Kedah number, so I thought IPDA called me. Later on I asked my mom if IPDA called her. They did. You know what they did?

I don't know what to say. Tears of anger and frustration was my reaction. This man is ruthless, heartless, bestial, whatever similar words you can find. He shouted at my mom! Started threatening her, saying that I was trying to escape, saying that my letters were all a bluff (who would lie about cancer? I'm making my dad have cancer in a letter just to escape??), I just wanted to escape IPDA, I broke my contract, I now have to pay back RM 110k, demanding about my priorities, etc etc etc.

Besides, what is wrong if I just want to leave IPDA? I've been contemplating it ever since day one. They ought to ask themselves why, not victimize the already downtrodden(students). Even if dad didn't have cancer, if I had seen the true character of this man, I would have left. Come what hell he may give me. I am who I am, I will NOT be shouted at by a power-crazy man created to torture students. I've never taken well to the mad power exercised by PBSM commanders during camps, I'm taking this very very much worse. PBSM camp commanders are trivial compared to this man.

I don't know what to say to this. What is this man? Is a heart such a rare thing to possess nowadays? He's ruined the good name of IPDA in my eyes. Whatever good they may have possessed in my eyes is gone. Finished. Stripped away forever. Degraded to a place where they imprison unhappy souls ruled by tyrants. No, I will not say I exaggerate. Nor are they metaphors, these words I use. To have such a husband, dad, or son would be a terrifying thing to me. Animals lack compassion(even then, some good pet dogs can show compassion), but not human beings. That is why we human beings are different. What went wrong, what hardened this man until he has to torment others who are already suffering?

My mom did not stoop to his level. She tried to explain what the Bahagian Pendidikan Guru(BPG) said to her etc. He refused to listen, so she just patiently endured his abuse(I salute her, I would have hung up) until he realised that hey, this lady isn't shouting back at me. Then she explained the situation to him, what we are going to do, and politely requested for further details on what paperwork needs to be done. That was the original plan, IPDA was supposed to inform me about the further paperwork needed, what they will post to me. Only at the end he quietly asked if I was the only child left at home.

The BPG lady was right. She said, "If you don't trust IPDA to forward the letter to BPG, make another copy and send it to the BPG yourself." Perhaps they too know about the state of things in IPs, or perhaps IPDA?

It's one thing to shout at a student. It's a completely different thing to shout at a parent, what more a fellow senior teacher! Perhaps even more senior than him. I'm boiling mad at him. How much more does my mom need to go through?? We're fighting for a life here! We don't need to be bogged down by such trivial things that should be settled amicably.

If I ever felt any pang, any tinge of regret for leaving IPDA, it's all gone. I'm glad I'm home, and I'm here to stay. I'm going to pull through form 6, and will never step a foot into IPDA again. Or any other Institut Perguruan (IP) for that matter. One rotten egg spoils 20 fresh ones (in this case, 26 others).

On the other hand, my school teachers have been nothing less than caring. I have school teachers taking time to talk to me personally to ensure things are all right, that I'm feeling okay, how I'm coping with form 6, offering me extra help. THIS was where my love for teaching was rooted. Notice the word, 'was'. Some people asked me if I would consider teaching again after form 6. Few months back, I would have given an immediate 'yes'. However, as I told those who asked me... "I'm not sure anymore. I'm afraid of the teaching profession now, after IPDA."

I suppose some people think I lack mettle, some people think, "How bad can IPDA be?" I don't know how to describe it to you, my friends. It's easy and comfortable to get through life without opening your eyes to what truly goes on, but I chose to open my eyes to everything. I hated what I saw, but I'm glad I decided what I did after I saw what others refused to see.

To fellow IPDA students, hang in there! Or else leave. As BPG said, it's not IPDA that picks the students. So by right, IPDA cannot stop us from leaving. They may shout at us all they want, but if they watch their students slowly trickle away, they'll realise something is wrong. Whether they choose to change or not, I'm not staying around to see.

On a side note, today my Econs teacher told my class, "No one can get lower than Joanne for finals!" Talk about... lack of pressure. HAHAHA. I take it as a challenge though. My finals are next week. =P

Take care, God bless,
Jo

I want...

.. to lead a nice, comfy, sheltered life. Where death is nothing but a thing that happens to others, not to people I know and love. Where killer diseases and accidents and calamities and disorders and.. and and... everything bad is just something I hear on the news, I see on the TV, I read in the newspapers. Where my life is like living under this nice shady umbrella that protects me although things are crashing all around me.

Is that too much to ask for????

Apparently so.

I've been going out a lot, playing badminton, sitting in front of the laptop only late at night after I'm done going out the past few days. To forget about life's problems? I don't know. Possibly, my subconscious mind is attempting to distract me from everything.

However.. today in the cinema.. I could scarcely concentrate on the movie.. I suddenly kept thinking of everything from the past two weeks. It's as if my mind and heart have finally been steeled to accept the inevitable.

When people ask me how I am (it seems to be the standard question these days), I usually answer.. 'tired'. Emotionally, physically, mentally, perhaps even spiritually, I am tired. Exhausted, to be precise.

It's great to know that God is in control, especially during times like these. =)