3 weeks away!

I can't believe I'm 3 weeks away from STPM. That I'll be applying for university soon.

I'm in a semi-conscious-dream-like state. LOL.

Mmm, so much has been happening when I should be concentrating totally on my studies.

But I don't really mind.. I'm doing my best, leaving the rest to God. :-)

So so so many plans after STPM. :-)

Hehehe. No, I won't sleep my time away like after SPM. I've been given another chance to enjoy 8 months of complete nothingness, and I'm not gonna blow it this time.

One question people ask me, and others are afraid to ask me (but oft times I can see the unasked question in their eyes): "Do you have any regrets?"

My answer: "No. I'm not a person who feeds off 'regret-fullness'.. and I believe whatever has happened has been used to mould me and my character by my heavenly Dad. Everything that has happened since then is kinda like a snowball effect, and I would not be where I am now if not for all these."

Only recently have I realised how glad I am I chose the Arts stream in form 4, despite misgivings and attempts to sway my choice by so so so many people at that time. Despite the culture shock I had to go through (haha, you try lah, coming from 'good' classes all the way to one of the last classes in the form).. I learnt to loosen up a lot since then, and have only studied when it truly matters ever since. Lol. Monthly tests and homework usually forgotten. Ok, that part isn't so good I suppose, but.. when it doesn't matter.. =P

Oops, I'm getting random. Oh well. :-)

A while more!

God bless,
Jo

=)

Had an awesome weekend. =)

Really, I did!

Especially Sunday. Haha. =) Went for a teacher's open house, then went out with friends, did 3 new things:

1. Lepak for ONE SOLID HOUR. As in, doing NOTHING. Like, NOTHING. Not talking, not eating, not ANYTHING! Just standing around. Haha, not so enjoyable, this part.

2. Karaoke, not too bad.

3. Gaming. Now, this one I really liked. =P Hahaha, for once, my 'sure die one sure die one' was literal. In the game, that is. :-)

Reached home at 12.45am, but I stubbornly wanted to go to school so I took a bath, went online a while, then slept.

Aye, it was a good weekend. Good fellowship, good friends, no studying, what else could be better?

But with STPM less than 4 weeks away, that was extremely bad timing. Hahaha.

Hence, I shall.. er, cut down my play time, and increase my study time from now onwards.

Did I mention cutting down my sleep time too? I sleep a couple of hours all the time! As in, maybe an hour in school, 2-3 hours after school, 1 hour at night, another 4 hours before school. -_-

Haha.

God bless,
Jo

Hahahaha

It's 3.53am in the morning.

And I'm talking to a long-lost cousin online.

He's one funny dude.

Lol! Seriously. Take us out of the usual seeing-each-other-in-family context and suddenly all propriety disappears.

But I've got church in a few hours time, so I'll have to stop the chatting. Mmm. Hehe. Off to bed!

God bless ya,
Jo

Oh no...

I'm now addicted to Bejeweled Blitz on Facebook. :-( The fact that it's a mere 1 minute game doesn't help either, as I can sit down playing it for hours.

But, my right thumb is starting to hurt, I don't know why, not hurt exactly, but get that geli feeling, so I'm taking a break. Maybe from clicking too much? hahaha.

Mmm, 30+ days to STPM.. =)

I've been..

Er, yeah, studying, in between Bejeweled and sleep time. A LOT of Bejeweled and Sleep time, I'm afraid. :-( Hahaha.

Today someone told me, "Haiyah, you so smart di no need to study lah!!" Me, "Huh? So I just sleep on my book then everything go inside lah since no need to study??" (Unless she means I absorb everything the teachers say.. but considering I'm usually stoning unless the topic interests me..)

LOL. Her statement keeps replaying itself in my head. Since when do people not need to study to do well? I don't know about Science stream, but I know in Arts stream, if you don't study, no matter what photographic super chun memory you have, you'll fail anyway. Lol. You can't write about Alexander the Great and Julius Caesar and Chulalongkorn and Shih Huang Ti and Diponegoro and Shang dynasty and Chin dynasty and Chou dynasty and Assyrian Empire and Graeco-Roman and Perang Larut and and Perang Basus and Jose Rizal and Neanderthals and Peking Man and Chandragupta Maurya and Asoka and Kautilya and Niccolo Machiavelli and Sun Tzu and Babylon and Phalanx formation and Hoplite and Mongkubumi and Senapati and Khastriya and Pharaohs and and....

You get my point. Hahaha. No one is BORN with all that information in their brains. If only we were... ;-)

Hehe. I've had perfect attendance ever since the teachers have stopped teaching. :-) It's so wonderful to go to school and just studying/sleeping, no pressure.

12.37am, am off now. zzzzz.. after one more round of Bejeweled. =P

God bless ya,
Jo

A good day...

Well, socially, that is. Haha, studies-wise, FAIL.

After lunch with the church peeps I went home to wait for more guests. :-) Guests from Kuantan and some old church peeps.

Good time of chatting, despite the BIIIG age-gap between a kid like me -_- and the rest of them adults.

One issue that was brought was the inhibitions we(those who have left) have to get rid of, slowly but surely, of many ideas and stances we learnt before. Which is true, really. I still struggle with many issues, having been brought up as a kid in there. I suppose if you're an adult with already fixed ideas and all it's not so easy to change your view (still happens though) about some things, but as a kid it's relatively easy to mould one's mindset and ways. I remember absorbing things eagerly at times, and other times turning loose the rebel in me.

Looking at each of the ex-members, we're all nursing our own different wounds and hurts, whether family-wise, or individually. Mending relationships after we've been encouraged to destroy them, rereading the Bible again and again to see if things we were taught before is really of God, slowly but sure assimilating into another world we've always thought was warped and distorted. Accepting and HELPING, not judging or CONDEMNING those who have trouble.

Life's not all fine and dandy now, however. Some still have loved ones caught in there, who are being taught to disrespect and detest those who have left (including their own parents). It broke my heart to see one man who used to be such a bubbly, cheerful man changed to a quiet, constantly-looking-down person... a victim who's fighting to have his family to love him again. I felt (and still feel) anguish as I heard a mother speak softly of a son who believes that his parents are out there to get him, to destroy his relationship(s)... yet another victim.

Groups of friends have been broken up, settling into different churches.. and from what I hear, not all are altogether happy(how does one fit completely in with a group of people who've known each other for years and years??). But the good thing is some have started serving, someway or other, whether in church or out of church, in various ministries. Something we never had the chance to do before, that's for sure. And learning so much more through going out into the community, and not confining ourselves to the 4 walls of a building.

It hurts to see broken lives. Worse still, caused by a group who was supposed to strengthen each other through tough circumstances, and not vice versa.

However, the way God used Joseph's life.. from favourite child to slave to prisoner to mighty ruler(it's worse, isn't it, when you crash from a comfortable position to depths you'd never imagine)... I know God will use each one of us, whatever circumstances we've been through, whatever hurt we're still nursing, and mould us into His very own pottery, to be used for His almighty kingdom.

Before they left, one of them(a pastor) prayed. And what an interesting prayer he prayed. ;-) He prayed for my parents... and me. And whoa! what a prayer for me. I'm still reeling from it, actually. Lol. He prayed that if God wants me to be a missionary for Him, so be it. And that I would get my parents' blessings. Hmmmmm.

Well, anyway, yeah, that's about it.

We've all still got a long way to go, God still has many plans for us, I only pray that none of us will ever give up hope on Him, despite situations that seem hopeless.

And... let's be honest, I don't know who reads my blog because I don't keep track. Er, I think I once put a tracker or something but with my no-internet-savvy-skills I don't know what happened to it. So if you're from MT and reading my blog(and doubtless reporting all things), I'm just gonna plead with you: Please, do not condemn us for what we have done. It's not easy to leave our comfort zones and to step into uncharted territory, worst still, without our families(for some of us), but some things have to be done. I know I've stopped talking to those of you who tried to get in touch with me, but I was, and still am, sorting through all my confusion.

Perhaps I should have kept in contact with you, but I was afraid, at that time, that all things would be reported back, and in turn hurt my family. Hurt me nevermind-lah, I don't care anymore, but I'm fiercely protective of my family. I know I've been blocked on Facebook.. again, maybe my fault for shutting you all out. It was, and still is, a healing process, and I don't know how long it'll take. But I'm ready now, if any of you read this(you know who you are) to talk, to explain matters. I won't try to 'brainwash' you, and you can try to explain things to me, if you wish. I'll try my level best not to be cynical (a useful skill from MT ;-)). I've not 'lost my salvation' and I'm not (really) a rebellious kid (I love my parents LOADS k), I've gotten so so so much closer to our heavenly Dad in the midst of all this.

That's all for today,
God bless ya loads,
Jo

3.20am!

I should be sleeping, or studying.

But I've had a very unfruitful Friday.. slept so so so much. :-(

Decided to appear online on MSN after a loong loong time (normally I appear offline), and had some good old chats with MSN friends. :-) Still chatting now, actually.

These friends are older, more experienced, er.. mature, I supposed, so I find the change of topics rather refreshing. Haha, I can't very well complain about STPM, because I'll be brushed off by them condescending people who've 'been through it all'.

But after a long hiatus from such conversations, chats with these people remind me of life. :-( Problems, problems, problems.. not about simple stuff like studies, either.

From people who started out strong in the Lord, only to grow stronger.. to others who've grown cold.. and yet to others who've never known Him personally, and at the moment, no wish to know Him either.

How hard will we cling on to Christ when our comfortable lives are shaken? When real, life problems pile on? When everything we've known is taken away?

I've always looked at those who are leaders and wonder, if one day, they find themselves a 'nobody', will they still love God? I know of people who will only attend stuff if they are given a role/job/leadership position in that particular event.. take that away, and sure, they stick around.. for a while.

Oh, it's easy to say "I'll definitely cling on to Christ, harder still!" but when push comes to shove.. will we?

If we lose our family, lose our friends, lose our health, lose everything... will we?

Nevertheless, had a good time conversing with friends today, if you're reading this, you know who you are. :-)

God bless ya,
Jo

Hellooo

=)

30+ days more to STPM. I don't know exactly how many, it decreases so so quickly I lost track long ago. The school's countdown is giving false hope, it's permanently stuck at 46 days. HAHA. Oh well.

Mmm. I got back my last paper for trials.. History. And I got 86% for it! :-D I've not gotten such high marks for History since... since... er.. I don't know when. Maybe, even never? Lol.

Form 6 reminds me of one of the advantages of higher education - specialization. The 5 subjects I'm handling now are closer to my interests, and with Math and Science permanently out of my way, I'm way happier studying what I'm studying now. :-)

But I'm caught in a wrong era lah. Studying History, I've realised that Arts and Literature used to be given oh-so-much emphasis before, in Ancient times. I think I would have loved to be born in those times. At least people won't look at me funny when I say I enjoy Literature although it's my toughest subject.

Now everything is Math and Science and Math and Science... my brain just shuts off when I see/hear/touch/smell/taste these lah. I really can't help it, I don't know why. Hehe, but I do know I've never regretted making that decision in form 2 to choose Arts stream in form 4, although it separated me from so so so many.. okay, ALL my friends. It was kinda like me skipping standard 4 all over again, leaving behind friends I've made over the years.

Hmm, maybe God's trying to prepare me for something.

Or maybe I'll just be numb to separation after all these separations, like Hardy's poem 'In Tenebris'. =P

I do, however, find kinesthetics very interesting. If everyone studied this we'd all be conscious of how very very much we reveal our feelings through our physical actions and postures. =P (Is kinesthetics a science? I learn a teeny weeny bit of it in Business.. and a lot more through thrillers.. I think it's more towards the Sciencey field.)

Okay, yeah, anyway, yeah. :-) Moving on..

A group of classmates want to apply for UMS (Universiti Malaysia Sabah).. for.. er, various reasons. The most prominent reason was to get away from home, though. (Haha, sounds like me being happy that I got sent to Kedah before.) Which brought up thoughts of Where am I going next year? again. Mmm. I really don't think I should be leaving home just yet, though if you ask me I really won't mind being independent and living away from home again, that's the one part I enjoyed about Kedah. But.. mmm. I don't know. I trust God will show me His way though. :-)

Ok ok, I'm starting to not make sense. Comes from too much thinking and poetry.

I'm off now,

God bless ya,
Jo

I'm supposed to be studying...

I came online to do some English Lit research. Kononnya, that is. Hahaha.

Mmm, I ended up researching on other stuff.

But I cannot share what I've gotten because I've got a lot to absorb and pray about first. :-)

Just some questions if you wanna ponder/research on:

What does the Bible say about drinking?

What does the Bible say about tattoos and body piercings?

What does the Bible say (not say?) about being 'slain in the spirit'?

I daresay the 3rd question would be the most controversial among Christians.. Time for deep prayer, peeps. No use allowing ourselves to be swept away by emotional highs if it's not Biblical..

Ok, I don't know, really, if anyone wants to try and enlighten me further, go ahead. :-)

God bless ya,
Jo

=)

I thank God for...

Everything! :-)

Like, keeping me safe today even as I followed some crazy drivers, convoy-style, to my class teacher's open house. That's why I pray everytime I get behind the steering wheel. Hehehe. :-)

I thank God for... mmm, friends. :-) I may not have many.. due to my lazy-ability to keep in touch with friends after I'm separated from them, but I'm glad some still remember me and we hang out together, occasionally. :-) (Am I glad for Facebook, considering I'm hardly ever ever on MSN these days.)

I thank God I look forward to church now, after 10 torturous years of forcing myself to attend it, and constantly finding excuses to skip church.

I thank God.. that STPM is gonna be over soon.

I thank God... that I can drive. :-) Although I dislike driving at times, hey, at least now I can drive, with parents being so busy these days.

I thank God that I enjoy reading books. :-) They tug me into a whole new world, open a completely new realm of possibilities.

I thank God that He's brought me through and out of life's calamities relatively unscathed, strengthened physically, spiritually, emotionally, and mentally. :-)

I thank God for life. :-)

Helloo.. :-)

No, really, I'm not bipolar. It's just that I have my ups and downs, like everyone else. :-) Hey, life ain't perfect!

But, it's a happy post today.

Okay, not really happy, just a light-hearted one.

6 weeks more to STPM! And Wai Yan told me that with 40 days to go, that's 10 days PER subject.. IF you're taking 4 subjects. And if I'm taking 5? That's less than 10 days per subject! -_- Which is not enough to cover any subject, unless you have them all at the tip of your finger tips. Which is untrue for me, cause I'm just starting some chapters TODAY. As in, completely untouched/unread before this.

But.. I thank God for showing me that there is still a flicker of hope for STPM, I did surprisingly okay for trials. :-) I guess He knew how close I was to giving up..

The one thing I don't wanna feel next year is REGRET. That's all. Regret is a horrible feeling that just gnaws into my conscience.. despite valiant attempts to shake it away. Regret was one emotion I didn't feel after SPM, simply because I knew I had given it my all, and left the rest to God.

This time, I admit, I didn't put in my whole heart, soul, mind, and strength into STPM, but I think I matured a lot spiritually and mentally as compared to pre-SPM days. But.. with 6 weeks left, I guess I better give it my all, and leave the rest to God. :-)

STPM is special to me. :-) Because:

1. I joined my fellow comrades in this battle 6 months late.

2. No pressure to emulate the elder brother this time (Pressure to get straight As in UPSR, PMR, SPM... Enough is enough la, I'm setting my own standard this time =P)! :-)

3. It's something I really, really, didn't want to do, especially not in SMK Taman SEA, but.. God has His own mysterious ways. Not that I mind, His ways are so much higher and unfathomable.

4. I've never had to juggle so so so so many issues with a major exam before. Before this it was only juggling between badminton, co-curricular activities, and studies.

5. Life has never been so challenging before, period. Oh yeah, growing up's tough. Not physically/biologically, but in so many other aspects. (Driving is fun when it's optional. When you're forced to drive, it becomes a burden. -_-)

Hehe, before I sign off, I'll share something I got on Facebook. You know, there's an application that tells you what 'God wants You to Know'. Haha, I may be a natural skeptic but I decided to add it, and while some days it gives me really mysterious messages that I simply don't bother understanding, today's was rather apt. :-)

Joanne got a message that on this day, God wants her to know...

... that you are only as free as you imagine yourself to be.

There is nothing ''out there'' that's holding you down, - you are limiting yourself only with ...your own imagination. And your greatest limits are not even the ''cannot'' and the ''should not'', but the places where your imagination hasn't yet gone at all. There has never been a better time for you to open your eyes, let the imagination soar and see what more is possible.

Okay I admit that sounds *slightly* humanistic. If God isn't in it, that is. So, with God, all things are possible. :-)

God bless ya,
Jo

I detest...

Living like an only child. 'Tis exhausting, completely-physically, mentally draining.

-_-

Don't we all feel like running away sometimes?

Responsibilities, responsibilities, responsibilities... *sigh*

How in the world am I supposed to do even reasonably well in STPM at the rate things are going???

Grant me the strength to go through it all, Lord.