2008: Extreme Ends of the Joy-Pain Spectrum

Hey all,

If you've been following my blog this year, you'll probably know what a roller-coaster ride, with unpredictable 180 degrees, 360 degrees, 100000 degrees turns everywhere this year has been for me. God has been with me the entire time(if not I think I'll probably be gone by now), although I must admit I couldn't feel Him at times, when I was floundering around in terror.

This is a testimony that I need to share. It's a rather long one, hence I've yet to find the opportunity to tell it although I've attended Sayang Camp and PPBC camp. Okay, that's an excuse. Truthfully, I've been gathering my guts to tell this all, and I'll start telling it on my blog. If you think you are in for a long boring story(well, ok, you are), you can stop reading here. I'll understand. :-)

Okay, let's start.. with January 2008. In January, I started volunteering in Kiwanis Down Syndrome Foundation (KDSF) to work with the Down Syndrome(DS) kids. I'm still with them up to today, it's exhausting but for some reason I just love working with them. This was when my desire to work with special education kids really grew. Before working with them, it was just a whim, a fanciful idea. I had no idea it would be so frustrating, yet so rewarding. However, special education in Malaysia is extremely limited, so I've not much of an idea how to enter this field. I'm not getting much encouragement from around me either, but with God all things are possible, no? :-) I've learnt my lesson about planning years ahead.. more about that later.

February 2008

My brother left for Australia. So what?? you'll probably ask. Well, my brother and I share a very close relationship, drawn together after what life has thrown at us, maybe. We've never had a problem with sibling rivalry/fights that some other siblings have. When we go out some people think we're a couple! Hahaha. Well, to be separated from my brother was really really NOT NICE. Suddenly I have to whine, complain using MSN, no longer face-to-face. Well, I got over it eventually. And life in Australia is so comfortable so you've gotta feel happy for him. haha!

March 2008

This month was one of the best months of the year. No no, not because of the political tsunami. Okay, truthfully that made me very excited too. Hahaha. But it was because of.. SPM results. What I worked so so so hard for in 2006 & 2007 was achieved.

Then, the furious application for scholarships began. Hahaha. This was the truly fun part. The satisfaction of filling in A1s in forms, to put in my posts for co-curricular activities. That was the peak of my pride, I think.

However, allow me to give you some background about my studying and activities to prepare for these scholarships.

In form 4, I knew(or so I thought) what I truly wanted. I wanted to apply for the scholarship by the Ministry of Education(MOE) to go overseas for studies, then come back and work as a teacher. I've always wanted to become a teacher since form 2. This was my ultimate dream (whoa, dramaticnya!).

So in form 4 I did all I could to increase my chances of receiving that scholarship. I was involved in PBSM, History & Geography club(AJK), Christian Fellowship(Asst. Treasurer), Yellow House(AJK), Badminton club(President) and the Prefectorial board. Not to mention that I was the class treasurer. I was playing badminton tournaments hoping to win certificates(who cares about medals and prizes, only certs matter in interviews). I represented my school in various academic quizzes and essays, I ran for my house in 4 running events(and won 1 gold, 1 silver, 2 bronze or something like that). My partner and I won 4th place for the National Bible Knowledge Quiz. I received a Highly-Commended for the Postal Quiz. In other words, my co-curricular activities were pretty good.

For my scholarship interview, I proudly presented my music certificates, my badminton certificates, my academic quizzes certificates, my list of badminton achievements and posts I held in school, even a letter about me being a volunteer in Kiwanis. And of course, to top it all, my 12A1 SPM slip.

Yes, that's how hard I worked to win this scholarship. I considered myself smart. In form 1-3 I was hardly active in co-curricular activities, preferring to concentrate on badminton. But in form 4 I knew(or so I thought) what I wanted, and I wanted that scholarship. Looking back, this scholarship was all I wanted, and I practically demanded it from God. The thought of not receiving this scholarship was a dreadful and sickening idea. I could not fathom the idea of God not giving it to me.

I was really, really stupid then. Seriously.

April 2008

I received the top student prize for SPM results, another high for me. My whole schooling life I've always done ok/well in school, but never, ever would I have considered myself the top in the entire form, or even close to it. End up in good classes, maybe. But to end up top and to hear my name announced as SMK Taman SEA's SPM top student was something I never even IMAGINED to imagine before! Really, seriously.

May 2008

I received the JPA scholarship to do Law, foundation in Taylor's College, then degree in Australia. This was another peak in my life. Okay, I admit it, I didn't want to take up this scholarship, but the euphoria of receiving such a prestigious scholarship was.. well, I was on a high for a few weeks.

However, I cautioned myself to wait for the TESL scholarship by the MOE. I knew I'd pick that over JPA anytime. I wanna become a teacher, not lawyer. Haha.

Mom was in London at this point(2 months) for some cluster school principal training course. Life at home without her was tough, but I pulled through, somehow.

June 2008

I received the TESL scholarship. Foundation(2 years) in Institut Perguruan Darulaman(IPDA), Jitra, Kedah, then 3 years in University of Portsmouth, UK, and the final year back in IPDA. By now I felt as if I was walking in a dream. I had EVERYTHING! I received what I worked so so so hard for, what I prayed for, what I DREAMT about. Suddenly, everything was real, it felt like a fairytale. Cloud nine, I truly understood that statement.

I mean, come on man, I received a scholarship to Australia and another one to the UK. FULL scholarship, lodging, food, fees, even allowance was given.

I think, at this point, I allowed pride to creep in(or perhaps it was there the whole time). I felt top of the world, the peak, I wanted to press 'pause' and just continue leaving in that state. I felt so so so blessed. I even visited my mom in London for 8 days, and my brother came home from Australia for a month.

Imagine my euphoria as I reflected everything I had. Life was GOOD.

July 2008

Prepared for IPDA, and settled in IPDA. I must admit I was disappointed with the place at first, but being a camper I've been through quite a bit, so a bit of run-downness didn't really unfaze me. I did miss home, but I also enjoyed the freedom of.. well, being free, staying away from my parents. Spent my 1st month settling down.

August 2008

Spent my 2nd month missing home. Suddenly life in Kedah didn't seem so fun anymore. I felt stifled, I was unhappy with some of my lecturers and some coursemates. I felt tied-down by IPDA's strict rules.

However, I persevered on. I told myself that I would stay on this course because ultimately, I will become a teacher, and am assured of a job by the MOE. I told myself to think long-term, not short term.

September 2008

Started to really try and settle down in Kedah instead of running home whenever I could. Started piano lessons, and was about to start badminton training. In other words, trying to make a life for myself. I actually only planned to go home during the Raya break, and wanted to try and stay put in Jitra for all the weekends.

Mind you, I still wasn't happy there. My spirit wasn't comfortable. Something was wrong. Probably why I could never settle in properly, although I usually assimilate in such places pretty easily.

September 16, 2008

This was the day my perfect, perfect world crumbled. Whatever euphoria I had earlier this year was wiped out, *poof* gone.

Dad was diagnosed with 4th stage colon cancer.

I knew what I had to do. No way could I leave my parents alone at home to fight this battle.

Not to sound like an evil daughter or anything, but a tiny, tiny part of me was overjoyed that I would be leaving IPDA. Somehow my spirit wasn't right in that place, my family knew I wasn't happy there although I tried to hide it. They tried to find out why, but seeing I myself didn't know why.. I had friends, I had a new hostel to look forward to, the course was so easy, in other words.. I had a pretty decent life there(usual university life, the good and bad all in one). And yet.. I really didn't know what God was doing in my life but at this point I just committed it all to him.

And so, I left IPDA. God paved the way for me to do that though. The man I had to see regarding my leaving of IPDA was away that whole week. If not, he would have given me hell. Yes, seriously. He did eventually, to my mom, but it was over the phone, and I was already safely in PJ. This one, really hand of God. If he had been around I would really, really, really, have been shouted at, and probably the paperwork for everything would have been slowed down, delayed, not even done, maybe. The Ministry of Education said to send a copy of my letter to them, not just to IPDA, if I 'didn't trust' IPDA. They knew about such people, I suppose.

People called me noble when I rejected JPA for TESL. But when I left TESL, people just called me stupid. Plain, ol' stupid. At times I too wondered. But I knew where I needed to be. It's a good thing my aim all along was to become a teacher, and not to go to the UK. I can still become a teacher after form 6.

And I'm now pretty vulnerable. I'm afraid to pray with others now because everytime I go before God, I find myself so vulnerable, and I just cry before my Lord and Saviour.

I don't cry. I'm not the kind of girl who cries. In fact, I only cry during funerals of close relatives, no other time. Well, until September 2008 anyway.

Ever wondered how much one can cry? Try 6 hours. That's the entire bus ride home from Jitra. Of course I had to look fine when I got off the bus for parents' sake. Superhuman effort it took, I tell you.

Even then, I thank God that I was in Kedah, away from home when I heard about it. Of course, I had no privacy in my hostel, but it's easy to pretend I'm fine and all right in Kedah when I'm in contact with my family. I still remember my roommate asking, "Sick ah?" when she saw all the tissues I used and my red eyes. I didn't tell her you see, I had no idea how to tell. I was hurting at that time and I wanted to hurt alone, there was no one I was close enough to to share the news and pain back then. I messaged friends for prayer, but always attached a 'don't call' at the end of my sms.

God is transforming me into a person that I myself don't recognise, and it's scary at times.

I still don't like to cry. Haha. All these camps are making me vulnerable, I don't like it, God knows it, but He's still moulding me. I think I'm a very tough clay to mould. Sorry Lord. :-(

October 2008

Was truly glad to be home to help mom out.

My life has been turned upside just like that. I thought I had everything. In the end, I ended up with nothing. Entering form 6 late meant I missed out on posts for various clubs and societies. But you know what? It didn't bother me in the least. If God can take away what I had, despite all my effort in making myself an 'unrejectable' candidate for the scholarship, I trust God will grant me something although I have nothing. :-)

Leaving Kedah meant coming home to a problem I thought I had resolved by running away. I now know that you can never run away from problems, they eventually come back to haunt you. No matter how hard, problems have to be resolved.

I've been having some issues. I was questioning many things. When someone whom I used to truly respect tells about how he'd rather die from cancer than take chemotherapy(which he says won't work anyway), it hurts. It hurts real bad. When I was scolded for taking up TESL in the first place, for being so stupid, it hurt. When my dad's cancer was blamed on his food, his lifestyle, I grew angry.

November 2008

Started skipping youth meetings. Before this, I'll always go for youth and arrange my activities before or after youth, not during. But when I constantly came home from youth meetings after hearing messages that just plain angered and hurt me, I couldn't take it anymore.

I zoned out during the sermons. I was just bracing myself for further attacks.

I was hesitant to leave. I've been in here for 10 years. You have any idea how HARD it is to leave a place that you've been rooted in for so many years, to change, especially alone, without your parents? But I agreed to give it a try. Maybe in some other place I'll cry because I've been touched, and not because I've been hurt by the message. Not to mention that my parents wouldn't be with us anymore in a new place. We received their blessings, though.

And so.. that's why I joined the PPBC camp. I still don't know how comfortable I'll be in it though, especially when I'll have to attend it alone, without my brother when he returns to Australia.

December 2008

More and more issues, my disappearance from it isn't made a huge issue of(surprisingly). Have not even been asked to return(unlike what I expected). However, I don't want to delve into details about this, my blog is a public blog.

Talked to a friend recently who's family is also struggling. Her hurt is so deep, she is so confused. As confused as I am. Now that I'm out, I don't know what to believe anymore. I don't know who to trust. Yes, I'm praying, but God seems silent, I don't know why.

To sum it all up:

2008 has been an extremely trying year. During PPBC's camp, we were asked to write down our favourite quote. My quote was, 'What goes up must come down'. It's definitely not a favourite quote, but it's a quote that's proven itself real to me this year. From extreme joy, to depths of pain I never knew before.

Hurt, pain, judgments were hurled from every single direction. "Who ask you to be so ambitious? See now your dad like that!", "Why your dad eat so much meat?", "Why never take care of yourself?!", "Who ask your dad eat so much microwaved food?", "Why he never eat properly?!", "It's the food, I'm telling you!", "Who ask you never eat organic food all the time?" and many more.

The most shocking one: "Your life has been too perfect. Just too, too perfect. Mom going higher, dad going higher, both kids on full scholarships. Something had to fall."

Of course, all of these hurtful questions and statements came from people who do not have any family members suffering from cancer. At least, I hope so. Those who have family members afflicted with it usually understand the pain enough not to ask such plain stupid insensitive questions.

Camp taught me that I've got to forgive though. Yes, I know I've got to forgive. But I don't actually think I'm holding a grudge until I THOUGHT about it. Hehe. It that makes any sense.

And honestly speaking, I don't know what to expect in 2009. I could study for SPM worry-free. Now I'm afraid something will happen during STPM. I'm just aiming for a place in the local U now.. hopefully a nearby one. No more far away scholarships for me, thank you very much. Unless... unless God wills, of course. I really don't want to plan my life anymore, just leaving it to God. Just a few months ago I was planning 10 years ahead. Now I can't even plan tomorrow anymore. I know what 'going by faith' means now. When you've no idea what's going to happen, and the only comfort you have is that God is in control. Which is more than enough I guess.

Why this year has been... traumatic and dramatic for me.

Simply because..

I'm not the kind of girl who does all I did. I QUIT A GOVERNMENT SCHOLARSHIP. IPDA is calling me up. The MINISTRY OF EDUCATION called up and asked in such a puzzled tone, 'Tak mau scholarship ke(you don't want a scholarship)???' I sent the whole Hal-Ehwal Pelajar(HEP) office and staffroom of IPDA into a frenzy as they fluttered(haha I like this word) around, scolding me, pleading with me, nagging me, questioning me, giving me hell.

I entered form six 3 FREAKING MONTHS LATE, A WEEK BEFORE FINALS. I've never, ever, done something like that in my entire life. I stayed in the same primary school from standard 1 to 6, and in the same secondary school from form 1 to 5. Eh, but I moved around 3 different kindergartens. *Why am I reliving my toddler/super-childhood days?!* In other words, I am(was) your typical, boring girl who doesn't cause ripples in a calm lake, what more tsunamis! That is, until September 2008.

2008 has been such a remarkable year. It has been the best year of my life, undeniable. It has also been a year where I aged the most(HOW CAN I LOOK 21 YEARS OLD!!!). All I can say is, God is an extremely mysterious guy, and best of all, He's teaching me things I never knew I'd learn before.

But quite scary at times wei. I've never encountered such fear before.

When God does things, He does things. As in, seriously, extreme-extreme one! This post retells the height of my joy, happiness, euphoria, 'highness', but also the depth of my anger, fear, pain.

Without Him I daresay none of this would have happened. I'll be shaking with fear and would have chickened out of the quitting IPDA and giving up my scholarship if it hadn't been for God. Seriously, I'm a coward at heart. God must have been running alongside me the whole time, although I honestly don't know if I knew it at that time.

With this, I end my post for the year 2008. I will no longer wallow in self-pity after this. With all these off my chest I feel so much lighter. :-) I don't usually write so much personal details on this blog, so this will probably the one (and only?) of a kind post.

Oh, my 18th(NOT 22nd!) birthday is coming up in less than 2 weeks time! Hehehe. I never, ever thought I'd live to be 18 years old. But hey, God's obviously not done with me yet. So, here I am, Lord. Older, hardly any wiser, slightly easier to mould, but always yours, Lord.

To another year where God reveals more and more of His plan in my life!

God bless,
Jo

P.S. I joined VAD for one meeting. And they claim it's official that all who attended are VADs. And I'm receiving SMSes all the time about this duty, that duty. Yesterday it was 'ambulance duty'. I was like.. :-O Who wants me in the ambulance if you meet with an accident????? I sure don't want ME to handle ME in an accident! haha. I dunno lah so smses are coming and coming and coming for this duty, that duty, this duty, blablabla. I go get proper training first k. School training not counted, play-play one plus I forgot nearly everything I've learnt in PBSM. Haha.

P.P.S. I'm glad to be home. Really. :-) I'll allow God to continue leading me, HIS way this time, not my way. Eh, sorry, God doesn't need permission. If you refuse to grant permission He'll eventually get it anyway. ;-) There was one day when I was really afraid, and I told God, 'Lord, if you want me to go back to IPDA you can you know.. I'll swallow my pride and go back in there.' Well, he hasn't sent me back so far, so.. hehehe.

P.P.P.S CONGRATS ON REACHING TO THE END! hahahahaha. :-)