Will I?

To be.. or not to be... (a hypocrite)..

If you know you're meant to do something,
But it's not what people around you would like,
And you allow doubts and hesitations to cloud your mind...

If you've promised, whole-heartedly (at that point of time) to give it your all,
And face persecution along the way...

If you know you've been called to do it,
But face estrangement, obstacles, jeering along the way..

Would you still do it?

Will I?

Oh, it's tough. :-(

Lord, lead me...

Of Life.

With my messed-up bio clock, I slept at 7am, woke up at 1.30pm. Today. Well, I did set my alarm at 9.45am to go for LYPG but.. ended up zzzing. :-(

I don't know, the urge to study study study is gone. I used to have it when I was younger, the deep desire to do well in studies.

But somewhere along the way, in 2008/2009, the desire to excel in studies just.. well, died off. Which is bad, 'cause without motivation I just won't study. Haha. I won't think twice about skipping a test now, I don't worry like my classmates do when they hear there's gonna be a monthly test.. and I study only when I feel like it.

Mind you, I still thirst for knowledge, and enjoy learning new, interesting things. But somehow the drive to get 100%s is GONE. I find myself preferring to read up on stuff that have no bearing whatsoever in exams, but 'tis knowledge, at the same time.

So many things to think over. Hmm. Is growing up always like this, constantly pondering over so many various issues?

I know my future's in your hands, Lord.

Haizzzz

It's 1.34am, and due to my rubbishy time-management skills, I'm exhausted at this hour. Simply because I was supposed to zzz in the afternoon (break time), but.. I used it for stuff other than sleeping. And I'm supposed to study a lot more. At the rate I'm going I'm gonna faaaaail. Hahahaha. Oh wait, that's not funny.

Facebook is... er, can't find the word for it. I did a quiz 'What's your perfect job', and I got the result 'Stripper'. LOL. Which of course inspired some comments by friends. I was playfully bantering with another friend about the results, and and and, then, this junior of mine in CF must have stumbled across it. -_- Hahaha. He comments, " 'thou shall not commit adultary[sic]' one of the ten commandments".

While I could have informed him that what we were talking was (totally) unrelated to adultery, I just told him I couldn't agree more with his statement. Hahahaha. (No, I don't see much point in getting a 14 year old to differentiate the meaning between certain words.)

Ah well, just a reminder that I better not talk too much rubbishy stuff with friends in public places/websites. I don't want to be the cause of stumbling any one! :-(

I've got the whole house to myself again these few days, with parents away in Malacca. Hmm. I miss Malacca's food. *hungry* I cooked my own dinner today (fried maggi wrapped in egg + onions... yuuuuummmm) but the hassle of washing up so many cutleries after one single meal ensured I'll be eating out for the next few days. Waste time la, I've gotta study! (yeah right) hahaha.

Friday di. Die die die die die! When will I ever learn to start studying earlier? :-(

Take care,
Jo

Before I hit the sack..

Random stuff for today before I enter dreamland. :-)

English Lit time: I found out I can grow taller. My teacher grew taller in university. *There is hope!* :-D

Guitar: My teacher asked if I've ever failed in school before. *duh* I told him I usually fail my monthly tests, IF I'm even present for them. -_- In fact, my name ought to change to Joanne Lim Fei Lear.

And if you've been keeping up with news, wonderful Malaysia is yet again in the international limelight with the latest Kartika Shukarno case. The judge who gave the original sentence must be tossing and turning in bed every night now, bitterly wishing he had just fined her instead of ordering her caned. Some Muslims have asked non-Muslims to stay out of this case, but hey, in a country like Malaysia, people can't just go about minding their own business.. well, we can, but most choose not to.

How tough it must be to govern a country like Malaysia. Haha. Poor, poor politicians.

Okay, am off now. Exhausted. While playing guitar today I couldn't focus, kept pressing wrong notes. :-(

Hahaha.

Yeah I need help.

God bless ya,
Jo

Up up and awaaaaay!

Just back from the movie Up with the Sampat, Yew Leung and Joshua.

Hehehe.

Yeah, the movie was kinda funny, but sad, how can cartoons die! :-( But still, it wasn't too bad, with a relatively happy ending. :-)

Life's good.

Oh, oh, and God is good. Really, really. Otherwise Sampat and I would be lying in hospital now. Or, at least, the car lying in car hospital now. But, hey, we're both alive and well. Hahahaha. I still like having a driver. :-) (Sampat, I'm hiring you.)

Was talking to an ex-coach/friend..

Me: Oh oh, you're coaching in Poland now?
Him: Huh?? Poland???
Me: Er, something like that one right??
Him: Nooo.. Czech Republic... what did you get for Geography!

Ah. Well. All the same lah, some far away land.

Am off now,
God bless ya,
Jo

Hungry!

Haha. I'm not entirely sure why I'm blogging at 4.15am in the morning..

I think it's because I've turned nocturnal, sleeping in the afternoons, and staying awake during entire nights.

Hmmm. because I've got peace and quiet in the middle of the night. I can sleep in the midst of noise, but I can't study with noise. Hehe.

And I'm hungry. :-(

I ought to sleep soon, before my parents wake up and discover I've not slept yet. Hahaha, that was the nice part of them being away for 5 weeks, I did everything without having to worry about what they thought. :-P

After attempting to study Business today.. as usual, my mind wandered around. Simply because I really didn't know what the book was talking about. Pemetakan pemasaran, penyasaran pemasaran, psikografi... I detest that subject. :-( Bad enough I dislike studying, what more to study such.. arrgh.

Oh oh, and yeah, I was thinking, the difference between studying, and training.

Training (badminton, squash-sports training lah I mean) is easier in the sense that, well, if you have a coach, you don't need to rely on yourself to improve. Haha. I don't know about those who train without coaches, I for one know I was one of the laziest cows around that could only be pushed to train hard by a coach. By myself? I never did manage to push myself past that certain threshold of pain without a coach. If I felt tired, I stopped (without a coach). A coach breathing down my neck, I stopped when told to.

Studying, on the other hand. Hahahaha. I give up LAH. Totally. I feel sleepy, I sleep. I feel tired, I rest. I feel bored, I stop. I don't understand, I give up. In studying, no one can push you. Really, it's true. At least, if my teachers are/were supposed to push me, they've failed pretty miserably. It's down to me to do well. And I'm not exactly the most disciplined, self-motivated girl around.

And unlike my younger days, I don't mind doing poorly in exams these days. I've skipped countless monthly tests in form 6, and hardly ever do my homework, didn't do some projects, and and, have been absent for 30+ days so far this year.. you know, all my years in school I've never skipped more than.. 6, 7? days of school a year. Now I'm trying not to reach 40 days! (I think I'll reach lah.)

My teachers love me though. Haha. I think so, otherwise they'll have scolded me long ago. One of the most-feared teachers (dramatic a bit la) was complaining about how dirty the classroom floor was. It was my duty to sweep the floor that day, but I've completely shirked that responsibility ever since the day I was assigned to it. She looked at the schedule, and saw my name, next to an ex-classmate who has left form 6. I braced myself for a shelling from her... but lo and behold, she started scolding the class about not changing the schedule, and leaving this classmate's name in although she's no longer around! Hahahaha. 0:-) (That's a halo on my head)

I think, it's all a result of growing up. Somehow, when you can drive around, go out whenever you want, the thought of staying home and doing your homework and studying and and being good and responsible etc. loses its appeal.

Still, nothing that an innocent face, feigned confusion, and a distraught act can't solve. :-)

4.46am now. Hmm. I'll return to my humble abode now, that's piling up with books that seem to appear from nowhere. Bed, floor, chair, desk, you name it, they are everywhere. Siiiigh.

God bless,
Jo

:-)

Ah. I'm happy.

haha, don't know why.

STPM is coming.

Trials is 2 weeks away.

I'm totally UNPREPARED.

Some school issues going on that make me mad.

But,

I'm happy. :-) Don't ask me why.

Oh, I've learnt to read music notes on the guitar recently. And now am playing from a proper music book. Which, is not so good. Cause I'm graded for each song. And have to pass them (8/10! What kinda standard is THAT?). Which means, I have to actually practice. Haha. I learnt this after the first lesson we used notes, cause the following lesson he actually checked all the songs I was supposed to practice. Otherwise he'll discover that the only time I play the guitar.. is, well, during guitar lessons. Lol.

So now I spend 10-15 mins a day playing. Better than nothing, eh? I find that I prefer reading music notes instead of tabs. I don't know why, more challenging, forces my brain to think, and I actually know which note I'm playing?

Haha, I'm random.

Because I'm happy.

The joy of the Lord is my strength!

God bless ya,
Jo

Badminton :-)

Yeah, it puts a smile on my face. Hahaha. Been watching the World Championships these few days. Hehe.

Today I watched Chong Wei lose, watched Peter Gade lose, watched Saina Nehwal lose. I like these 3 players and they ALL had to lose. :-(

Oh oh oh. And I found out I trained with Saina Nehwal before!

Actually, I really really really DON'T remember ever training with her, but my former training mate insists we have, under Ong Beng Tiong. I've trained with players from various nationalities under OBT, but never.. a player who is one of the better ones.. and I didn't know it???

She's only a year older than me so I probably didn't pay much attention to her because I never knew she'd make it big. Lol! Eh, I'm human too, ok.

I've not played badminton in ages. :-( This morning I received an sms at 6.07am, asking me to play this afternoon. (I have such badminton-crazy friends.) But I had some things on.. siiigh.

And because I've decided to commit myself for LYPG, I've given up my Saturday morning badminton group (that was one of my favourite groups). No, not because the ratio of players was 20 guys : 1 girl, but because some of the players were around my standard, not too high standard. hahaha.

Hence, I'm currently quite, quite groupless, leading a nomadic badminton life.

Oh well. I'm considering taking up another sport. But.. badminton is in my blood. Lol! It's like playing a music piece that you are so so familiar with your fingers just fly across the piano without having to think. On the other hand, playing an unfamiliar piece requires time and effort to perfect it. Similarly, a new sport would require learning from the very basics, and that is the painful process of venturing into something new.

Why, I'm still, still, struggling with the guitar(I can barely even do a perfect bar). Lol. Really, it's TOUGH! I don't ever recall learning the piano being such a painful process. Lol. Physically, and mentally. But I think I went a lot slower in learning the piano, learning one note at a time. Now I'm learning so much more about music in the 1.5 years I've learnt guitar than the 9 years I took piano lessons. It may be a gruelling, painful process, but I'm enjoying it. Call me masochistic if you wish. ;-)



God bless,
Jo

Books Books Books

“The BBC believes most people will have read only 6 of the 100 books here. How do your reading habits stack up?”

I don't know how true this is, but hey, I'll just do it for the fun of it. :-D

Look at the list and put an ‘x’ after those you have read. (ASTPM means the book is most likely sitting on my shelf waiting to be read AFTER STPM. hahahaha. Discipline, discipline!)

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen (ASTPM)
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien (ASTPM)
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte (X)
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee (X)
6 The Bible (X.. not finished yet, though)
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte (ASTPM)
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell (I'm like super itching to read this awesome book, but.. ASTPM)
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens (ASTPM)

11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare (ASTPM)
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien (X)
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulk
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19 The Time Traveler’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot

21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll (X)
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame

31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens (X)
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis (X)
34 Emma - Jane Austen (ASTPM)
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis (X)
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini (I heard it's awesome.. but.. ASTPM)
38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden (X)
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne (X)

41 Animal Farm - George Orwell (ASTPM)
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown (X)
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery (X)
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood (X.. awesome book, gives you plenty to think about)
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding (X.. yet another AWESOME book)
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan (ASTPM.. heard it's great though)

51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52 Dune - Frank Herbert (ASTPM)
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen (ASTPM)
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens (X)
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley (X)
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime - Mark Haddon
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez

61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding
69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville (X)

71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens (X)
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker (X)
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett (X)
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce
76 The Inferno – Dante (X.. yet to finish it though)
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession

81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens (X)
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte’s Web - EB White
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom (X)
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton (X.. they LISTED this book? I LOVED it as a kid. Read it a hundred times over, I think)

91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery (I've read The Happy Prince.. lol.)
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas (X)
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare (X)
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo (ASTPM)

Results: 26 (X)s, and... 13 (ASTPM)s. Haha, there are sooo many books collecting dust on my bookshelves because I've resisted temptation to read them. Once I start, I only stop when I reach the final page of the book. Which means sleeping at 5am at for a few days in my bid to finish a story. And there are so many books that I lovingly caress in bookshops I walk into, but put them down after debating whether to buy them or not. I love classics because they are so so cheap, you can get a classic like Hardy's 'Far from the Madding Crowd' for only Rm6.95(some of these classic series are even cool looking, hardcover books!), whereas a thriller by say.. Grisham will cost AT LEAST RM33.90(most times, Rm39.90).

I love thrillers/suspense-filled/mystery books simply because they are real page-turners, and I'm just rushing through the entire story to get to the best part, the ending. I LOVE stories with twists and turns, unpredictable. Which is why I enjoy reading Archer's and Dan Brown's books.

On the other hand, I enjoyed many of the classics in the list above simply because they gave(and still give) my mind a good work-out. Instead of going 'Ahhh..' like I do after reading a thriller, (real) literature is like.. well, brainfood. There is just so so so much to ponder over after reading books like 'Lord of the Flies' by Golding and 'The Handmaid’s Tale' by Margaret Atwood, and to just forget about such brainfood would prove an impossible task(in my case).

I love literature. :-) Only the subject is giving me a huge huge headache now because I prefer studying from books for STPM(just studying from books, no need to think at all! How awesome are Malaysian exams? Hahahaha), and pondering over issues in my own free time. But English Literature forces me to think when I'm in my laziest mood. *sigh*

Hmm. It's late now. Do copy this list and do it if you feel up to it. :-)

God bless,
Jo

Hey You!

Do you pity me? Sympathise with me? Feel sad for me? Feel like crying for me?

Well... DON'T! Er, if you want to, I can't stop you lah, hahaha, but allow me to assure you that you alone are doing it. Cause I sure ain't wallowing in any self-pity. :-D

Psalm 68:35 says:

O God, You are more awesome than Your holy places.
The God of Israel is He who gives strength and power to His people.

Blessed be God!

and

Isaiah 12:2 says:

Behold, God is my salvation,
I will trust and not be afraid;

‘ For YAH, the LORD, is my strength and song;
He also has become my salvation.’”

Despite STPM approaching, me still unsure about my future, confused over circumstances.. I know everything is in His almighty hands and I'm sorry if my blog has been used as a rant place, it's really not to get pity, it's just.. a well, a rant place. Once you've furiously typed out things you feel much better. :-D

Psalm 29:11 says:

The LORD will give strength to His people;
The LORD will bless His people with peace.

So the next time you feel like sympathising with me, be well-assured that you are totally alone in doing so. ;-)

Better still, channel that sympathy into deeds like helping some starving kids or something. :-)

God bless ya,
Jo

Blocked ears, Kiwanis Charity Fair

I've been sick for the longest period eveeeer! I've been having blocked ears for, nearly 3 weeks now. Arrgh. I skipped 4 days of school in a row! (Ok, I'm not complaining about that, hahaha) and at one point when I had fever for 3 days I thought I was really, really down with H1N1, since I get fever every few years or so, and even then, only for a few hours. And all along when I had flu before the fever I told others, "No worries, I'll know if it's H1N1, cause I hardly ever get fever." So you can imagine my fear when I realised I had fever, and having a thermometer at home doesn't really help. I laid in bed one night struggling with.. sleep, fever, flu, whatever, and when I took my temperature it was 39.1 Celcius!

So I did the one choice I had left.. I prayed. And boy, did I pray hard. Now is NOT the time to have H1N1 (ok, it's never a right time, but read on) because my house could not afford TWO patients. Partly the reason why I never checked for H1N1 too I supposed, mom really couldn't bring me for a real check up and in my condition I didn't trust myself to drive too far.

But with an amazing God, the fever receded the next morning. Haha, I told God, even if it's H1N1, cause I strongly suspected it could have been that(I've never had high fever beyond a few hours before, even that was in form 2) He could easily heal me. And he did. :-) Well, the fever receded, my blocked ears stayed though, but I had the assurance it wasn't H1N1. Hehe.

And I'm feeling much better today. Still sleep-deprived though, because I had to wake up early to help out with Kiwanis today. That was partly my reason for trying to get well so quick, I really really wanted to make it for the Kiwanis fair today. :-)

It was.. well, it was a case of too many volunteers, even more than visitors. But it was a merry occasion, and I met up and talked to some of the teachers whom I used to work with before. Ah, I really miss the Kiwanis kids. Really, really. :-(

One conversation with a teacher had me smiling:

Me: I don't think I can come and help out these few months lah, STPM coming di...
Teacher: No you must come every Friday!
Me: Huh?? But there are no classes on Friday....??
Teacher: Yes exactly! So we can talk!

Hahahahaha. She didn't want me there volunteering to ease her burden. She wanted me on a non-teaching day to chat! How can you possibly do anything but love such people?

I've got so much I wanna do. Catch up with real friends, for one. A number of different friends have been asking me to hang out, but I simply cannot find the time to do so. I love friends :-) They just brighten your day! haha. Really, they do. Though most of them don't read this blog because I don't advertise it. But still, if you read this and you know you've been a real friend to me then know that you have contributed a looot to my 'hahahaha's and 'hehehehehe's in this blog (and in real life) despite circumstances. :-)

There are people who've basically written me off too, but it doesn't really hurt when you've got friends who really care. (Although those who frequently go 'how are you how is your family how is your studies how is your cat how is your dog how is your this how is your dad' kinda annoys at times, but I suppose it's an... interesting method of showing care lol!) And truth is, I know I've been bad at times too, failing to hold onto thinning friendships until a bare thread of friendship hangs on for dear life.. but sometimes everything is just so overwhelming, I end up being a useless friend. :-( I'll try harder.. when I can summon the energy. Hahaha.

STPM's coming!

And I'm.. totally.. unprepared. My Business 1 book still looks brandnew. Because I've not even read through 3/4 of it once before.

I've stepped down from the CF Committee '09(no '08 for me) last Friday, and well, this time it's really, like, forever. The last time I knew I still had the option of form 6. Now.. no more. I love the CF and all it's done for me, especially in terms of fellowship & prayer. While I haven't actually left it yet, stepping down signifies that my tenure in Taman Sea is running out. After all Taman Sea has done to me this year, I really look forward to leaving it, but leaving the CF permanently is heart-wrenching.

Oh oh, and Yellow House managed to win the GOLD for badminton inter-house this year! :-) Although this year was different from previous years because I didn't know my fellow players at all, the utter trust they had in me to plan the team's strategy was touching. Haha, learning Sun Tzu's Art of War has its benefits, really. Your mind can cover every area as it compares and contrasts the weaknesses and strengths of your team versus the opposition.

That's all for now,
God bless ya,
Jo

Helloooo bloggy =)

Parents are finally HOME, after 5 weeks of living home-alone it's like 'ahhhh' a huuuge sigh of relief :-)

(Although when they returned home they were sooo exhausted and not used to living at home that they forgot coming home means having some responsibilities, like turning off lights/fans, locking doors, cleaning up after making a mess, ensuring cars are locked... good thing they have someone who did it all the 5 weeks they were away. =P)

Nonetheless, it's nice to hear the TV on, to hear the squeaky fan working again when you're elsewhere.. I've been living in almost complete silence the past few weeks!

I reached 240km in a matter of days as I went back and forth the hospital, school, home. My poor Kenari. :-( It's over, for now. :-)

I've been having blocked ears for over a week now, due to a cold. Sigh. No, just having a running nose, nothing else, not swine flu. :-)

BK Quiz '09 was yesterday, it was streeessful trying to find enough recorders and runners. After begging people to become recorders and explaining a hundred and one times what to do to different people, we find we have too many. Lol. Btw, a recorder is someone who records marks, and runners are... well, people who run. :-) *Sorry I know I'm a failure when it comes to explaining*

Thank God that my blocked ears and nose and running nose problems disappeared throughout the quiz though, and only returned (with vengeance) when it was all over.

Exams are coming, and I'm totally unprepared. Sigh.

I'm gonna rest my blocked head now, hehehe, God bless!