I dunno....

Maybe I am bipolar after all.

Or maybe it's all the turmoil that's messing my head and emotions up.

Feeling pretty upset right now. =( Bro's away so I've no one to tell save for this blog. Which means I've got to keep it all abstract and confusing. *sigh*

Anyway, I'm just tired and upset lah. I'm fiercely protective of my family, and I detest people who try to hurt any of us.

I started reading the book of Job recently. It's as if my current life is just reliving Job's life, except that I'm not playing the role of Job. But it's exactly the same. God gave permission to satan to test Job. Again, a reminder that satan was given permission in this, not that satan wrenched control from God suddenly.

However, it was the part of Job's 3 friends judging him that really struck a chord in me. Sure, Eliphaz, Bildad and Zophar went to visit Job with the intention of comforting Job. But did they?

Honestly, I feel that what those 3 friends did was satan-sent. Just another trial for Job to overcome. He did a remarkable job overcoming it anyway, I'll really like to meet this guy someday. I still boil over judgements that Job probably heard.

What did those 3 friends do? They judged Job and told him that his condition was because of his lifestyle, and his sinful ways. Of course, this was not true, but hey, when people have made up their minds and have their hearts and minds blinded, no one can change their minds.

I don't know lah. This world is hurling darts at me faster than I can duck, and they are starting to hit me everywhere. It's no wonder I keep trying to escape everything through Kiwanis, badminton, going out, but when I'm alone it all overwhelms me again.

*sigh*

I'm being hardened more and more. And I don't want to be. =(

I really don't know why, sometimes.

Lord? Why didn't you give me one of those fairy-tale families where mom and dad are there for everything and the kids just have to worry about themselves? I can choose any career I want, without worrying about them?

Worst part is, it almost seems as if my brothers and sisters in Christ are the ones who are the most judgmental(apart from one amazing teacher). Being blessed enough to have perfect lives isn't enough for most, apparently. The ones reaching out to me are actually non-Christians! Maybe because their lives weren't that blessed so they understand my situation more. I dunno. My only rationale explanation. In some Christians you can even hear the gleeful "I told you so!" in their tones and they just vomit out their judgments on why things are the way it is.

And I actually wonder why non-Christians don't want to become Christians. You ask me honestly lah, I don't mind not going to church anymore if Christians are all like that. I'll keep my faith, I'll cling to God. But to mix with believers who are pompous and self-righteous? No way.

Heck, I'd prefer it if people just keep quiet and pretend as if life is all normal, instead of hurting me.

If I ever get married, this is my warning to my future husband:
This is me, broken, beaten, struck down, rejected, hurt, upset, a failure. I can't assure you I'll ever pick myself up, so you had better think twice before committing yourself into a marriage with me.


Life hurts.