Good day =)

Well, I supposed I exaggerated the IPDA giving me hell part yesterday. I was blogging at my lowest, most tired state you see..

Anyway, today things went much better. The lecturers must have been talking about me because today somehow they were much nicer. "I heard you're a good student.. what a waste.." and I'm thinking, 'How can they possibly judge that I'm a good student in such a short period of time??'

Anyway, the surprising thing is I'll miss the 2 most 'unimportant' subject lecturers.. ICT and Recreational Sports(RS). Haha. They are both guys, fatherly sorta-guys, perhaps that's why I'll miss them. I don't know, why else? Lol! They in turn seemed genuinely upset/sad when they heard I was leaving. My ICT lecturer asked to see me 'for a minute' when he heard from my classmates. Then asked me the usual stuff, and said he hoped to see me around somewhere someday.. haha. Whatever that means. And my RS lecturer expressed shock, then wished me all the best, shook my hand. Then he found out I'm entering form 6, the arts stream, and gave me some notes on Pengajian Perniagaan. Hehehe. That's cool of him, isn't it? =)

Anyway, things aren't THAT settled yet, I'll hand in my letter to apply for leave this Sunday(coming up to collect car) as the office is still open. Whether they approve the leave or not is another story.. that frankly speaking, I'm not staying around to see.

And yet another phase, albeit short phase of life coming to an end. hehehe. I'll miss some things, some people, but am happy that I'm returning for form 6. =) Form 6 ain't easy I know, but the thought of being home.. especially at times like these.. some people think my decision to leave is rash, and very very short-termed. They think I'm not looking at the bigger picture, my future.

What did I realise yesterday?

I'm no longer going to plan so far ahead anymore. In form 3-5, I lived my life such that I thought I could control my future by planning everything meticulously. Study hard, play badminton, join many clubs, get many posts, represent school in all I can, etc etc etc. All in hopes of securing a scholarship.

I secured 2 scholarships. Law, something I'm not even considering now, but applied just for the sake of applying. And this TESL course, the course I thought would be a dream come true if I had gotten it. And I did, I came to IPDA with such high hopes and expectations. Needless to say, my expectations and hopes were shattered pretty quickly, but I stuck on, telling myself to look far into the future.. to become a teacher, and not to quit because of the environment. Well.. as circumstances would have it.. as CP said, although she thinks what I'm doing is rather short-termed, she knows it wouldn't be me if I stayed away from home at this time.

What my cousins told me(they lost their dad).. 'Education can be done anytime. But you only have 1 father.' How true, isn't it? I'm only 17. Do I want to stubbornly stay on in Kedah? No, definitely not. People say that my future doesn't tie-in with my dad. But who gave me hope for my future? Who brought me up? Are you saying that because dad has done his part, dad has brought me up well, I'm now to cut all ties with him because he will influence my future otherwise? I know my parents too don't want to 'affect my future', so to speak. But we both know that they will be much much happier with me at home. I watch them going back to and fro the hospital, and my heart told me that I can't leave them home alone. Especially mom, who has been going on some kinda super human strength during this trying period. Last I heard, I've now been included in the 'take care of dad' agenda. =)

Anyway, yes, I found myself again planning my whole future for after STPM. And remembered what someone told me when I said I stay on in IPDA only because I am assured of a job: "Excuse me, you've forgotten who you have up there! What insecurity are you talking about!" I'm sorry, it's a bad habit. I just like to plan very far into the future. That's why.. I can't do that now. I don't know what is going to happen tomorrow, how much more can I plan my future in years to come??

Before this I've always been able to control my life. I know if I study hard, do well in koko, I'll probably get a scholarship. I know if I prepare well for an interview and impress the interviewers, I would probably be able to get scholarships easily.

But in dad's case, there is nothing to do but pray. Seriously, there is NOTHING I can do besides pray. I can scream, cry, attempt to find the best oncologist in the world, but healing is in God's hands. I feel so so so helpless at times. But I realised.. that's the way I should always have lived life. Leave it all in God's hands, realising that no matter how hard I try, God can turn my whole life around anytime He wills. Of course, I still have my part to play, but I must always bear in mind that there is nothing predictable in life.

You know how people wake up from nightmares? I feel like I wake up INTO a nightmare lately, and sleep is a way of escaping from this nightmare.

That was in the beginning. Now I'm feeling much better, and do not dread waking up anymore, and sinking feeling in my stomach seems to be gone lately. However, I know things will get tougher after I reach home, when treatment starts.

Nevertheless... God is good. =) If the Lord is for me, then who can be against me?