I Love Ya

Dad had the MOST AWESOME funeral ever! Haha. No, seriously. Yesterday by 12noon, we had had 100+ visitors coming to pay their last respects, of all races (mainly his staff who were Muslims, as they would not be attending the Christian service). People who had lost touch with dad from schooling days were popping up from everywhere, those who worked with him 30 years ago appeared. Wreath after wreath was delivered, up to this morning, just before the funeral service. His current office chartered a bus to come yesterday.

Final wreath count was 34. Bro and I were saying, we'd prefer if 60% of the wreaths were converted to cash instead, these wreaths weren't cheap! But it really brightened the place up, and made it all flowery-smelling. haha. In between visitors we would constantly brainstorm on the best arrangement for the wreaths. :-) The wreaths were sent by individuals, churches, companies, government offices, and.. unknown people. We were puzzled with some of the senders, no idea what connection they had with dad, especially certain companies.

Today, when the white roses were distributed to everyone, there weren't enough. So they started pulling out white roses from a very beautiful wreath! There weren't enough umbrellas to go around too, many had to walk under the sun on the way to the crematorium. I don't know what my dad ever did to deserve such attention during death, but I'm proud of him. :-)

(Of course, the funeral parlour must have thought he was one rich man looking at the people and wreaths, they tried to fleece us. But that's another story.)

At night, there were so so many strangers to us who attended his funeral. Extra chairs had to be arranged, we weren't expecting so many. My mom estimated a conservative figure of 30 people to attend the service.

Because my contact number was in the obituary, I received phone call after phone call, sms after sms expressing condolences for the passing of my dad. Erm, and many had enquiries about the funeral details. Haha, my bad, I've never written an obituary before this, and I had to do it in a rush on Thursday night. When I saw the obituary I realised I forgot to add his age/DOB-something NOBODY misses out. Oh well. Young forever.

This morning, the pastor decided to surprise us by getting a 5-man band to play. Hahaha, this was really awesome. I've never been to a funeral with a band before, although I know some people do hire bands. It was a pleasant surprise for us.

And the funeral seemed to be a reunion for many people. People who came because they knew me/dad/mom/bro met up with THEIR friends who came because they knew my dad/mom/bro/me.

I've never felt so much joy during a funeral before, and I thank God everything went well. I may never understand why God took dad away when I'm not even (financially) capable of giving mom a comfortable life just yet, but I believe He has His plans that will work out for the best. Now I've got to learn the ropes to handling all the computer/internet stuff.. that's all I'll have to learn for now, I think.

I've been so busy with everything the past few days, when everything is calm again, I know reality will set in. I'm bracing myself for that. Things are like a surreal nightmare the past 3 days, and I think I'm still hoping I'll wake up from this bad dream. It'll take a long time to heal, I only pray that somehow God will heal mom's hurt quickly, there's nothing I can do to hasten her healing process. :-( She was such a wonderful nurse to dad. Whenever I talked to dad and asked him what he wanted, if he said he didn't want anything, I'll ask him if he wants mom, just to get him to want something. He always said yes, and I would joyfully call mom away from whatever she was doing just to please him. hehe. I know she would have loved to nurse him for another 30 years, without ONCE considering him a burden. But God answered our prayers, to heal him completely, or to take him home. Everyone, including nurses and doctors, were surprised at his rapid deterioration, but said despite his extremely weak state, it was amazing that he was not uncomfortable/constantly in pain.

You know there are decisions you regret for life, and decisions you will never regret. I decided to skip guitar class at 6pm on Thursday evening, simply because I knew mom wanted me around that day, after Hospice gave the news that dad simply had a maximum of 2 days. At 7.10pm, dad went back to be with the Lord, and I was the one who discovered he had gone off peacefully. Had I not been home at that hour, and been with my mom when we checked to see if dad was really gone.. it would have been a decision I would regret for life. (You should have seen the two of us, checking for pulse, breath, heartbeat..) The first thing that escaped my mom's mouth after we confirmed dad was gone was, "Praise the Lord! He went off so easily and peacefully, no more pain." Talk about faith!

Thank you, Lord, for perfect timing. No one but my dad would have the presence of mind to die in the midst of a pastor. LOL. The pastor went out to buy dinner for mom and I, and dad left while he was away, so we didn't have to make any phone calls when dad went off. We just waited for him to return, and told him. Then he handled EVERYTHING. All we did was inform some people, and the news spread like wild-fire. By 8.15pm, or thereabout, my house was packed with people. From family, to dad's friends, to my friends, to mom's friends. No one seemed afraid of a dead man, so many cried over him. Talking about perfect timing, we could have the wake on Friday evening, and the funeral on Saturday, so that those who wanted to travel from afar didn't have to take leave etc. Not to mention that when the Nirvana van came to take dad away, it was late at night (10.45pm cause people wanted to rush over to look at him one last time), so no nosy neighbours around. It may seem like sheer coincidences to you, but if you were in my shoes you'd really understand about perfect timing.

And technically, we were together as a family when dad went off. I was chatting to bro(who was waiting for the flight back to M'sia, he booked earlier that day cause dad was really weak) when dad left. Looking back at my chatlog, 7.08pm we were msning normally, 7.09pm he replied something, 7.10pm I told him dad stopped breathing.

The only thing I didn't like was.. the man lying the the coffin wasn't my dad. They shaved off his MUSTACHE.. I'd never seen my dad without it before in my whole entire life. My mom too. Besides that, his face just looked so so different. My first thought was, 'That's not MY dad!' But after scrutinising, I realised it was him.. it was the familiar ears, hair, eyebrows, and neck. But perhaps, it reminded me that what I was looking at was a mere shell, and dad's in the arms of our heavenly Dad. :-) The man in the coffin looked like a very young man, and really, I cannot see my dad in him. That's why I hardly bothered to look into the coffin, just glances here and there. I will remember him by the memories I have of him alive.

All in all, Dad just had the most awesome funeral ever, and I'm glad for him. Last night people were talking, and saying that those who humble themselves will be exalted. Truly, dad's funeral reflected that.

Thank you, to everyone who showed their support. On my part, my school teachers, schoolmates, classmates, friends, parents of friends, the KL/PJ LYPG, and of course, my beloved church. :-) I was surprised to see some of you, but that just makes the surprise sweeter. :-)

I'm not too sure how life will go on from now, but dad has ensured we'd go on living well enough, especially in terms of our relationship to one another. We'd always, always been a close-knit family, and this will come in especially useful now.

Guess dad let go of this earthly life without a fight because he knew we'd be all right by ourselves.

2 Timothy 4:7 says,

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.

Love ya, dad. Enjoy heaven, k?

RIP.. Nov 6th 1955 - March 4th 2010

Hey Dad,

Thanks for everything you did for me.. all of us. I may never learn why the Lord took you home so early, but I'm glad we enjoyed every single year we had with you. I'd rather enjoy 19 years with you than have a horrid relationship with you for 50 years.

I know God has a mysterious plan in all these, and I know you are in heaven, free of your pain. Haha, how's life without pain? =P

We're all right here, it'll take time to heal, but you've prepared us well. Ko and I are handling everything, no worries. :-)

The Lord took you away peacefully, one minute you were breathing, and the next you weren't. When mom and I confirmed you had left us, mom's first words were, "Praise the Lord!" cause you went off so, so easily.

The support we've received has been overwhelming, the house was full last night. Within 10 minutes, it was as if the whole world knew you'd left us for a better place.

Love ya loads & till we meet again,
Joanne :-)

P.S. Did you REALLY wait to hear my STPM results? hahaha, everyone has been saying that. Glad I've managed to make you proud!

"Are you sad?"

That's what someone asked me when we talked about my dad.

"No, actually, I'm ecstatic."

I give up lah.

Dunno whether to laugh or cry at that question.

Another question that riles me is, "Is your dad okay now? Can he walk around now?"

Look, if a miracle has happened, I'll let the whole world know.

The ex-members have been calling us up and declaring their 'love' for us after a whole year of silence. I don't know what kinda volatile love they seem to possess, but it's surely not the kinda love Christ has.

I still wished I'd grew up in a normal church. Haih. Nothing like an experience in a cult to make one bitter.

I thought it was all dead and gone and behind me, until they suddenly seem to be calling and appearing from nowhere. They seem to know everything about us, and I get an uncomfortable feeling about that. I'm glad they know I got 5 A's though, just to let them know that God did not forsake me when I decided to leave them.

I'll have to do a study on the true meaning of 'forgive'. Forgiving and forgetting definitely does not exist. But does forgiving mean I allow them to intrude back into our lives, and report everything that goes on back to him?

These people are wearing me out and hardening me. The next time they show up at my gate, I'm not letting them in. It's stressful for my mom and I, so why allow them in? Besides, I've been labelled a rebel in their eyes, may as well live up to it. ;-)

I sound frustrated, I know. I am. I hate it when the past which I've worked dog-hard to bury suddenly comes alive again, in the form of zombies.

I love you.. I miss you.. My FOOT lah.

You may still be reading my blog, I don't know. For all I know, this blog could be feeding you all the information that you seem to possess about my life. Please, just leave us alone, k? I don't know what you want, and I don't need to know either. Live with the fact that people who leave MT are all growing and maturing (though nursing hurts and bitter hearts may not be easy, I know we'll eventually recover from it).

On a happier note, I played basketball for the first time in my life today. hehehe. I felt remarkably short! Ah well. Haha. Good exercise though, but I'm not aggressive enough lah. Truthfully, give me a non-body-contact sport anyday. Haha. My body ain't meant for the physical brutality these team sports seem to require.

God bless ya,
Jo

STPM results

:-) :):):):):):):)

3 A (Lit, PA, Business), 2 A-(Econs, History). To make it sound nicer, 5 As! =P

I was surprised I got an A- for Econs as it was one of my strongest subject + easiest in STPM, goes to show that the standard in STPM is a don't play play standard. Haha.

On the other hand, it was a pleasant surprise that I managed to get an A for Business (my Achilles tendon) and an A- for History (after the disastrous exam).

All glory to God, it was really, really, an uphill battle in the midst of STPM, with dad being hospitalised and all. Without Him...

Nearly every phone call that came today asked for results, and at the same time, about my dad. So it was good news + not-so-good news.

But my dad was really happy to hear my results! :-) He wasn't hallucinating today, so he smiled. :) Feel so happy for him.

Thank you, God.

White flag

I've got so so so so many things to think about that I'm completely utterly absolutely stressed! Ignore the tautologies please.

Can't focus either. Sigh.

Demons from the past seem to be popping out from nowhere, and it's causing me undue stress. :-(

The sheer hypocriticalness of people whom I used to love shall never cease to astonish me.

Bah. Who needs them.

Would you believe it, my mom forgot that my results would be out today, and my bro didn't even KNOW until a few hours ago that STPM would be out on the 25th Feb.

And to imagine that results used to be a source of anticipation for my family. Haih. So much has changed in so short a time.

My aunt was diagnosed with multiple myeloma(MM) today(yesterday? it's past 12 midnight). She's my dad's brother's wife. My uncle always comes to take care of my dad, his lil' bro mah. Now... he'll have to take care of his wife.

In addition, the prognosis for MM is not good, and there is no cure for it, only trying to keep it under control.

I don't know about life lah. :-(

I'm too young for this pile of crap.

Sorry about my crude language.

It'll be good to return to my heavenly home. But to go first would be completely selfish to my dear family.

I'm tired of thinking. -_-

I give up lah.

Dad, see the white flag I'm waving? I'm asking for a truce, please? One thing at a time, okay?

Heartbroken

Heartache :-(

I found a new scratch/dent on my lovely (classical) guitar today. I always, always check its beyooootiful body, and all along there has been this tiny, tiny, scratch/dent on it that's unnoticeable unless you look at it at a certain angle. But the one I discovered today was obvious, and I can see it from a meter away! :'-(

I'm not sure how it came about, probably when I handled it carelessly just one time because I wanted to carry it with a lot of other things. :-( I felt so so frustrated and angry over it (and myself) as I played it.

Haih. I'm really sad over it, everytime I see it I touch the dent, hoping it really isn't there.

Ok, I'm being dramatic. But it's true, I'm really, genuinely upset over it. My beloved has been permanently damaged. :-(

My guitar exam is in Bukit Bintang.. I have no idea how to reach there by car. But I will need to drive, since I'll be bringing my guitar along.

Before I've even taken my first-ever guitar exam, my teacher is asking me if I want to take a higher grade exam after this exam! Talk about palpitations. Back in those piano-exam days, I used to begin preparing for an exam about 6-8 months before the actual exam. Now I've barely been given 3 months to prepare for my guitar exam, with so many new things to learn. Just when I thought I've gotten a hang of an exam piece, my teacher adds in new styles/techniques to make the piece more 'interesting'. Then my playing becomes all 'stucky' again and I've got to painstakingly work on mastering seemingly impossible techniques till they become smooth again. -_-

Haha, I love the guitar though. :-)

I must admit I enjoy playing the piano, but my piano teacher is treating me like... a grade 6 student. Which is tough, especially for the theory part, because at times I find my brain scrambling to catch on what he's attempting to teach me. Tonic, supertonic.. I think they are basic theory stuff, but I've left that all behind. The only reason why I'm managing to (vaguely) understand the theory he's teaching me is due to the good ol' guitar. Hahaha. We're doing chords now you see, so at least I can easily identify chords on the piano. Bring in words like subdominant, dominant, 1st position, etc etc and that's when the brain scrambles to dig through its historical archives.

Still, I believe it'll take time to refresh this rusty brain of mine, and who knows, I may someday love the piano as much as I love my guitar. :-)

Ok, it's a verbal diarrhoea post today, just felt like blogging. :-) Forgive me if you knoweth not a thing about the music mumbo-jumbo I posted, but hey, it's my blog. =D

God bless ya,
Jo

Agitated

Feeling a bit stressed up now.

STPM results will be coming out this Thursday, 25th Feb.

Just found out my guitar exam will be on the 31st of March. -_-

Haha, put this combination together and I'm having so many butterflies in my stomach I can hardly sit still.

God bless,
Jo

2 Deaths..

According to Rhys' Wide Sargasso Sea, there are always 2 deaths. The real one, and the one everyone knows about.

I always thought I understood it, but now I really think I understand it.

Lagrima (Teardrops)

I learnt to play a new song today. On the classical guitar. :-) Lagrima, by Francisco Tarrega. It's such a simple, and yet lovely song.

Haha, I spent so much time learning it, painstakingly. It's not altogether fluent yet, needs a few more hours of practice, but it's just such a lovely song.

I'm supposed to be practicing my exam pieces.. but I heard this song on youtube and just had to learn it up. Precious hours that were supposed to be spent on my exam pieces were instead invested into this sad, yet lovely song.

But I feel happy. Hehe. I'm indeed beginning to really enjoy playing the classical guitar as I find my left-hand's index finger becoming stronger and stronger as I barre with my other fingers in all sorts of positions.

First time in my whole life I stayed back in PJ during CNY. I was astounded when I saw the empty roads and closed shops, it's a sight I've never seen before in my area.

It's been an okay day.

God bless ya,
Jo

The more I ponder over it...

The more I feel like studying English Literature. To study novels, plays, poems, etc. would be something I really, really, really enjoy. -_-

Most unfortunately, however, I am also a fairly pragmatic person.

In terms of human capital, I'll be a more useful citizen if I take up Law or Economics, or even Business.

SIGH.

Not to mention that scholarships are offered for Law, Economics, Business, and other more 'useful' subjects. English Literature on the other hand...

Head vs. Heart. Logic vs. Emotion. Practicality vs. Desire.

haha, never imagined I'll be stuck in such a rut. I've (usually) always followed my heart/emotions/desires before this. Taman SEA over Sri Aman(better school), badminton over squash(way easier to win competitions), Arts stream over Science stream, TESL over Law(so many called me stupid over this), home over UK(I was either labelled noble or stupid-most times it was the latter)...

Back then, however, it wasn't so close to the 'final decision'. Now I'm so close to the end of my studying life, it's gotta be the 'right' one.

It's not as if I get some kinda high from 'swimming against the tide'. It's just that I'm not a conventional person who desires to follow a conventional path.

Question is, would taking up a conventional path be more rewarding in the end?

Listless...

Feeling lazy and unmovable lately. Mmm. Have not played badminton in weeks despite getting invites from here and there. Just feel.. lazy?

Before I started posting this entry, I was just sitting around doing nothing. As in, NOTHING. Staring into the wall. Mom commented that she has never seen me doing absolutely nothing before. Hahaha. So I decided to blog. :-)

Nothing to blog about though. So this post is effectively a complete waste of time. LOL.

God bless,
Jo

Tears

Had a fairly traumatic day yesterday. My grandparents were brought up to visit dad, and my grandma cried (not in front of dad, of course) after seeing him. :-( Haih, I felt so so sad when I saw her sobbing. To live through the Japanese Occupation (and running/hiding from the Japanese), to lead a tough, poverty-stricken life, to be practically a full-time nurse to her husband, to watch her son being stricken with cancer.. Life has already been so bitter towards her.. It's the nightmare of every parent, to have the thought of having to bury your child. -_-

Then on the journey back to Malacca, after she was done with sobbing, she was ok.. for a while. Then we were caught in a 1 hour traffic jam along a 30km stretch, she felt so nauseous she threw up. She just closed her eyes and went 'aiyah....' for the rest of the journey.

Talk about feeling completely helpless! Wish I had some sort of way to elevate her physical, mental, and emotional distress yesterday. But..

I really really wish I have the ability to shelter her from all the pain, leave pain to us younger ones to handle. It's our turn.. can't we give these people in their twilight years a break from life's turmoils?? I get ever so frustrated thinking about it. There's something utterly wrong with this world when an 80 year old woman sobs her heart out. :-(

To top yesterday off, I couldn't sleep till about 6am! I don't know why. And got up by 7am. Had to drive home at 9.30am. Haha, anyway, I reached PJ in one piece.. and record time. ;-) Took about 1 hour 20 mins. Not too bad. :-D

I'm off now.

God bless ya,
Jo

P.S. I know the last 2 sentences' mood seem incongruous with the somber tone of the earlier paragraphs. Reflects my state of mind?

Motionless

I just feel like lying down in bed and not moving till... till I feel like moving again.

Unfortunately, that only happens in an ideal world. In this world, when you really NEED that kind of break, it's when you need to move the most.

I'm not making sense. In time to come, perhaps it'll make sense.

Went for a 'trial piano class' today.

When my teacher asked when was the last time I played the piano, I told him I'd just played yesterday, but not classical playing lah. Haha. Then he started talking about some beats and quavers and crotchet notes and blablabla. Seeing I've totally abandoned theory 5 years ago, it took me a while to comprehend all he was saying. Then he asked me what beat/something like that I played yesterday, as an accompaniment. He looked fairly puzzled when I said, "Bluff my way through lah..."

Like my guitar teacher, he too asked what made me quit piano lessons & exams 5 years ago. Hahaha. I simply told him I hated the piano. And said it could have been the teacher's fault. Which, in retrospect, could explain the 'disturbed' look on his face when he heard that. Mmm, perhaps it wasn't the wisest thing to say to a teacher I just met today. -__-

The monthly fees are exorbitant though, although I kinda expected it. Music lessons have never been cheap. Still.. to combine it with my classical guitar monthly fees.. *sigh*

However, I did save a lot by going to form 6, and after this, hopefully a local university (am hoping for a scholarship for whatever I study next, hehehe IF I do well enough), and I took minimal tuition(for subjects not offered in school) during my schooling days, so I suppose it isn't that bad.. (yea, I'm comforting myself.) Haha. I can simply quit both, or drop one instrument, but I really don't want to. I'm attempting to complete both to as high a level as I can, so that I'll always have the option of veering off from a 'traditional' career if I ever feel the need to. ;-)

Besides, I enjoy them. =)

Anyway, lately I've been pondering over what to study next. I think I've narrowed it down to Economics, Law, or English Literature.

Economics- Because I found it easy, and it'll be one of the most flexible degrees to find a job with. However, I keep reminding myself, I think I'll rather lecture than join the corporate world.. so do I really need such a 'flexible' qualification?

Law- Because while I'm not so sure how tough Economics can get(particularly MATH), I'm pretty sure I can do Law. Mugging's my middle name. ;-) However, I'm not entirely fond of speaking, and after talking to a couple of lawyers, I've been told that most types of lawyers have to speak well. I think I can speak, albeit precisely, without beating around the bush. But do I like talking a lot?

English Literature- Ah, my first love. The reason why I suffered through STPM taking 5 subjects, only to discover that UM changed their criteria for the course I aimed, and I need not have suffered 5 subjects! However, I do not regret taking English Literature, I think I'll still be given priority should I apply for this course. I have no doubt I'll enjoy this subject(no mugging, no math involved, just critical thinking).. hehe.

I know this subject gave me an extremely tough time during STPM, but that was because I paid so much attention to other subjects, and was rather last minute with it. Particularly because no mugging was involved, so I could just read through a synopsis and discuss it in an exam. Hahaha. But towards the end I realised I needed to do more than that if I wanted an A. Oh well.

Seems easy, right? I should just take up Eng. Lit. without further ado. My heart would love it. My head, however, screams, 'LOGIC! LOGIC!' If I can qualify for a 'better' course like Economics, Law, or even Business, why am I taking this course up?? The job scope is definitely the narrowest if you compare it to others.

But.. head vs. heart. Haih.

I'll pray over it. ;-) And wait for STPM results to come out. Hehe. And see...

God bless,
Jo

-_-

My cousin called me up today to give me a briefing on funeral arrangements 'when the time comes'. My assurances such as "Don't worry lah I know blabla.." didn't assure her. *groans*

Still, one sentence of hers stuck in my head, "Now is not the time for tears. Save the tears for later, now is the time to be strong."

How true. :-)

Played piano for the Powerkids/Sunday School worship today, talk about being thrown into the deep end! I only found out yesterday that I was expected to play today. Haha, no time to even absorb the shock. (Up to today, I've never, ever, ever played with other instruments, much less for a whole group of people to sing!)

Haha, I survived though, with a bit of bluffing and a lot of chord-playing, plus a plea to the guitarist to strum extra loud. LOL. And of course, PRAYER. ;-)

God bless ya,
Jo

Classical Guitar...

I've been taking lessons for almost 2 years now. And today my teacher decided to teach me the 'classical guitar position' because I'll need it for my upcoming grade 4 exam. (Which is pretty soon, I think. He's not telling me when. -_-)

It's an awful position. With 'kang kang legs' and straight back, it's a sure way to horrible backaches. LOL. My teacher warned me about the backache I would get. When I asked, "Why torture ourselves then??" he simply told me I'd be given the boot if I walked in and played the way I've been playing all along. (Haha, that didn't answer my question, then again, that's the way we Malaysians accept things.)

Oh, and I think I'm gonna take up the piano again. ;-) I think I should just finish it off. (With a better teacher, this time.)

I think I'm just gonna enjoy sports now, and go for training in Nusa Mahsuri only if I cannot find people to play/exercise with. No point in improving any sport now, I'll concentrate on guitar and piano. :-)

God bless,
Jo

Noooooo

Lol I got a band 5 AGAIN.

Sigh.

My marks cannot be any better than the last time since I missed band 6 by 1 mark the last time.

Oh well.

Doesn't matter, just bad for my ego. :-(

Hehe, had a good time in Malacca. :-)

God bless,
Jo

Ooops.

I just realised my birthday isn't this Monday..

Hahaha. I kept thinking it was this Monday.

Oh well. =P

Good, tiring day. :-)

Woke up at 7.20am, debated with myself whether to go for training or not for 15 minutes. Decided to go because I'd already promised a friend I'd go, although I was exhausted because I couldn't sleep well last night.

Hahaha. Training was... GAH. It was really, really, exhausting. I've not trained for a 1 year plus, and to suddenly plunge back into that regime was exhausting. Nevertheless, I'm feeling healthier. :-D

After that I was stuck in a stand-still traffic jam. Put me in such a bad mood, I tell you. As it was, I was driving my manual car, with a not-so-easy-to-press clutch, and traffic was at a standstill! I couldn't return home through other ways because of ALL the gated community nonsense.

I already had to counter a jam on the way to training, and had to get lost looking for the sports complex, then I had an exhausting session, then I was stuck in a jam for 1 hour. 1 FREAKING hour!

But, I made it through. Haha. Although my left leg was quite, quite numb after all that. (You try training 2.5 hours then getting stuck in a manual car for 1 hour! The ultimate way to kill your left leg off.)

But, it was a good day. :-)

Went to feed fish with my feet :-) Hahaha, so enjoyable. =P

Then had dinner with church peeps. Then prayer meet. Then mamak. Then went to watch some people play mahjong. (I had no idea what was going on. Something about humans=animals.)

And dad wants to go OUT to eat roti canai tomorrow(today)! =D hahaha. Ah, the lil' joys in life.

Off to zzz now,

God bless,
Jo

Desa Parkcity

This guy called Brandon has the weirdest cravings ever. Since he's leaving for the US tonight, the youth decided to indulge in some of these weird cravings last night.

Tai chow.. Fried food, like fried rice, dunno-what-all-the-chinese-funny-name-food lah etc. So we had dinner there.

Then at about 9.15pm, he decides we should go to Desa Parkcity.

That's when my horrid night began.

LOL. That place has gadgets in its playground that were beyond my wildest dreams. Sure, it was fun. At first. But by the final 'ride' I started to feel nauseous. Hahahaha. It felt like a journey up/down Cameron Highlands. And to imagine I still had to DRIVE HOME that night. -_-

I came home and just laid down for a good long while. =P

Haha. Of weird cravings...

Neway, yeah, that's that.

I'm up at 7.26am!!! to send parents to hospital for check-up.

Oh, and just realised, first day of school for school kids! ;-)

God bless,
Jo

=)

Just spent half a day with the pilot-CP! and her 2 siblings.

Hehe.

How much we've grown up. From rushing to catch the free 1 U bus in form 1 to driving, with our P's nearly expiring now.

I feel old now. =P

From fighting over girlish things(I think??) to fighting over career options (and dangerous driving).

hahaha.

Aye, we're old.

God bless,
Jo

Happy New Year!!! :-)

Ok, I'm a tad late, but anyway, happy new year! :-D

Been busy the past few days, coming home at 2+am the past 2 days. But it's good. :-)

It's my parents 28th(I think) wedding anniversary today. Hehe. Can you imagine being married for so long??

I've absolutely no idea what 2010 has in store for me, I think some things won't be good, but I'll continue to keep trusting in God. It's my final teen year, though I think there's not much difference lah.. 18, 19, 20.. same right? Okay, 21 I can enter a casino..

Anyway, another year has gone. Suffice to say I thought 2009 was an extremely traumatic year with few highs and plenty of downs. But through it all I've grown so so much, mentally and spiritually. Physically.. er.. maybe horizontally, yeah. =P Many a times we don't know why our lives go through such horrifying battles, but everything has shaped us, and made us who we are. I'm a different person from last year's 2nd Jan, and I was a different person on the 2nd of Jan 2008.

Next year I may be a different person too.

But one fact remains.

I'm a beloved child of God and He is one awesome Dad. :-)

God bless ya,
Jo

Numb

I'm numb. Void of feelings. Empty.

It's something that has been stretched for far, far, far too long. And it's taking a toll on me.

The dreaded time.. the time when people start asking me about God. And honestly, I don't know what to reply. All I know is that He has His own mysterious plans. And it's really mysterious, because I'm not being given any answers. I'm fine with it. But when I see others being hurt and confused by it.. it tears my heart apart.

I'm tired too. Exhausted.

I'm a fool, really.

Badminton..

Just had a badminton session this morning. I was tired after an hour of playing! And to imagine I used to undergo 3 hours of TRAINING. Now I can barely last an hour of PLAYING.

This is bad. I'm not playing competitively anymore, but I do want to keep up my fitness level. Have to start playing more.

I feel so used though, I felt like I was invited just so the other girls could flirt with the guys. Giggling, teasing, squeaking..

Give me a session with all guys anytime. Less of empty banter, at least.

hahaha.

God bless,
Jo

Mmm..

Went for Christmas service(a REAL Christmas service after all these years!) today.

The past few days were so hectic that I simply didn't think about buying gifts. Er, that, plus the fact that I've never had to bother about presents before. (Mana tau PPBC celebrate Christmas with everyone giving gifts?? I've got half a mind to escape next year to some nice island. LOL!) Oh well..

Yesterday was a gathering of the rebels. Haha, a good time, really. We could actually talk freely without worrying about using PC(politically-correct) terms and topics. Twice now they've all gathered to have service and fellowship at home. Guess they figured, since dad can't go for service, they'll bring service to him. And I'm glad. :-)

As for me. I'm at a complete loss about what to do next. The musts:

1. Play guitar. I've just paid for my freaking expensive grade 4 LCM classical guitar exam fees. Will be taking grade 4 next year. I've not taken a music exam in years. It's 10 times worse than academic exams! I can just picture it.. me.. alone with some stern-faced examiner.. mmm... with the classical guitar being a much, much harder instrument to 'control' as compared to the piano..

2. Decide on what course to apply for in uni. Unlike a year ago, when I was stubbornly steadfastly holding on to ideals, now I just want to get a job that can support myself. Ideals just do not work out in this world, I'm gonna get in line with convention and graduate, get a job, get money. (Okay, not exactly just that, but to serve God in any area He's calling me into. ;-))

3. I dunno??

Of course, I've got plans..

haha.

The plans:

1. Take up Chinese again.

2. Play badminton.. or at least get some sort of fun exercise. Jogging is completely boring. :-(

3. Still considering, if I should take up piano lessons again. Trying to find a teacher that's good and nice. Hahaha. Preferably, a man. I dunno, I seem to click better with guy instructors. Any piano teachers to recommend?

Hmmm. I don't know which of my plans will work out. Haha. So many people have asked me to work, but I can't, not at this point of time. Unless you have a job that only needs me to work 1-2 days a week, maybe. Lol.

Holidays? I'm enjoying PJ/KL enough, the only place I'll want to holiday is on some island, to get a few thriller rides in the sea. ;-) But put that thought on hold. I've already got a short class trip to Genting next month, that'll suffice for now.

God bless ya,
Jo

You know it's post-STPM when...

..your biggest dilemma is whether to return to your badminton world or to entertain relatives.

=P

Haha.

Well, after 10 hours of dilemmaing I went with the relatives option, simply because I can play badminton anytime, but they don't visit often. :-)

Which is also why I'm currently facing some badminton-craving. :-(

Oh oh, I've got a morbid joke to share. ;-)

Dad has been resting a lot in his room lately, so I constantly check on him.. you know, just to make sure things are all right.

My lil' cousin's 8-year-old kid asked me, "Why you always check on your papa?"

Me: Er... (how do you explain to an 8-year-old that you wanna make sure your dad's still breathing?) Er... to see if he's ok lah. You got check on your parents or not???

She: No...

Me: You must check on them one you know!

Hahahaha. Maybe she'll constantly be checking on them after this. Ya never know. ;-)

A lot of people don't know the meaning of 'palliative'. To give you an idea of that word... when I told a future doctor that dad's under palliative care, all she said was, "Oh God."

Anyway, it basically means it's entirely in God's hands, whether to heal or not. Because medicine won't work anymore.

Things are stable at the moment, so I've had time to do other stuff. :-)

Like watching Avatar. Good movie. Hehe.

God bless ya,
Jo

Come to Jesus

Weak and wounded sinner
Lost and left to die
O, raise your head, for love is passing by
Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus and live!

Now your burden's lifted
And carried far away
And precious blood has washed away the stain, so
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus and live!

And like a newborn baby
Don't be afraid to crawl
And remember when you walk
Sometimes we fall...so
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus and live!

Sometimes the way is lonely
And steep and filled with pain
So if your sky is dark and pours the rain, then
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus and live!

O, and when the love spills over
And music fills the night
And when you can't contain your joy inside, then
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus and live!

And with your final heartbeat
Kiss the world goodbye
Then go in peace, and laugh on Glory's side, and
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus and live!

In today's storm I saw the raindrops as God's tears. I don't know why, I just did.

I'm so exhausted I'm numb. Is this what 'strive' means?

Love Ya Loads, God.

I'm sorry if I demand for too much at times.

But thank You, so so much, for being my sidekick all the time.

Exhausted

Insurmountable obstacles...

All I can do is lean, and lean HARD, on my Dad in heaven.

Anyway, there was a totally impromptu gathering of my old churchmates (in different churches now) in my house today. 3 leaders and their family, some youths I know. It was an encouraging time, really. Few hours of fellowship, really glad for my parents.

Say, I don't know why, this was actually supposed to be a morbid post, especially just after talking to a brilliant medicine student(who rejected medicine in CAMBRIDGE to be closer to home) about current circumstances.

But, I've deleted all the sad part.

Simply because I suddenly feel so, so, joyful.

I don't know why.

Thank you, God. :-)

Blessings

My parents are so cute lah.

Lol.

My dad's roommate is this super scrawny guy who refuses to eat and just complains, "Sakit, sakit, sakit (Painful, painful, painful)." And he wanted a pillow to hug, but hospital pillows are so hard and uncomfortable his body ached more after hugging one.

So dad suggested this brilliant idea of us giving him a nice comfy soft pillow.

Mum called me up and told me their mission to make that man happy. So I went around the house finding the softest/most comfy pillow I could find, testing each one by hugging them. Then I sunned the pillow I found (one of my favourite pillows and a costly one!) to.. I dunno, make it cleaner??

When we gave it to the man he just smiled (first time ever he smiled ever since we saw him!) gratefully, hugged it and went to sleep IMMEDIATELY. Haha, our worry that he would have rejected our 'gift' was all in vain.

Every time I walked past him and saw him hugging it I felt so glad for him. Nothing beats the feeling that you've helped to ease one's suffering, even if by the tiniest fraction.

Above all, I'm amazed at my parents. So cute lah they can think of these kinda solutions in times like these. Haha. :-)

Dad's currently under palliative care.. we used to hope it'll never reach that stage, but.. well, things happen.

Anyway, the support given has been amazing. Dad has talked himself hoarse over the past few days to visitors from all over. Some even visit twice a day! I'm really glad, because I kinda worried support would dwindle since they are currently churchless. But prayers, and unknown pastors, are emerging from nowhere. (However, NO ONE from our previous church, except those who left with us, bothered to contact us.)

There are worse cases out there, more suffering out there that I know of, so despite everything, I thank God for His mercies and blessings.

God bless,
Jo

Lately..

I've been hoping the world will end. So much easier if we all go off together, without leaving people behind, or (worse still?) being left behind..

Sorry for the morbid thoughts. But yeah, it'll be easier, and less painful, eh? Looking at the natural disasters.. climate changes.. callousness of man's treatment towards the environment.. anything's possible.

Anyway, I've done a massive massive clean-up of all my STPM stuff. 95% of my books look brand new, 80% of them are untouched. Only now I've realised how many books people gave me. I think about half my books I have were given by the kind souls out there. Which brings back memories of last year and why I returned home.. a decision that lately has proven to be a right one. (Although STPM was horrendous..)

But moving on, I've got so so many books that look brand new I don't know what to do with them. And frankly, I'm too tired to be bothered about them.

Have to do so many things.

-Get my FD done. For some unfathomable reason my internet banking is not allowing me to FD.

-Get a debit card. The gov's move to charge service tax for EVERY credit card is not very clever. -_-

-Continue clearing up my room.

-Learn a lot of things I took for granted before.

-Pray, pray, pray.

So so so tired. Been feeling like I'm waking up into a bad dream everyday lately. Thankfully I'm not having nightmares when I manage to fall asleep. I don't know how I even managed to get through STPM, but somehow or other I did.. At least, it's one load off my back.

After hearing someone else's story.. I realised that I'm in a very blessed situation, with support from all over. Can you imagine going through an insurmountable obstacle completely alone?? No wonder some people just give up...

And yet, in a way.. if things had to happen, the timing seems.. 'right'? When I'm no longer a school student, with months to spare commitment-free?

Just thinking aloud, not sounding coherent.

Exhausted. Off now,

God bless,
Jo

When you trust..

..is it possible to be free of worry? To wonder about the future?

I don't like this period of life at all. Not at all. I wish it'll just zoom forward when it's all the the past, or backwards when it's all in the future. Living in the present is proving itself to be an immeasurable obstacle.

All in the midst of STPM too-the supposedly one of the most important examinations in my life.

Hang STPM! I just want my happy life.. and family, back.

I wanna go out and enjoy myself without that tingle of worry at the back of my mind.

I wanna go on holidays like those good old days without worrying about life.

All in the past now, I know. Nothing to do but to plod on wearily in this tiresome
journey..

Whoever said growing up was easy?

Trust... When I talked about being forced to trust a few blog-posts ago, I really didn't mean trust in this kinda sense.

Still, all things are in God's hands. He's an awesome dude.

God bless ya,
Jo

And here it comes again...

Life's tough, eh?

Dad's in the hospital again due to some obstruction in his intestines. Probably explains all the pain and cold sweat and nausea he's been going through the past 2 weeks.

Mum's with him, bro's off to Malacca for familial obligations.

And me? I'm stuck 'studying'. Though how one can possibly study with all that's going on.. have to though. The last thing I wanna do is to fail everything and worry everyone even more.

O that this too too solid flesh would melt!

Trust...

Differences...

I find myself switching between different styles of speaking when I speak to different groups of people.

Is that normal?

Now I can't even figure out which is my 'original style'. 'Tis pretty true even for my typing, sometimes I end up sounding vulgar, and other times it's fairly refined.

Hmmm.

I suppose it's just a natural way of adapting to my surroundings.

2 more papers. ;-) Can't wait to return to badminton(I miss my badminton world + friends so so so much!), guitar(I'm taking grade 4 next year! And I just started learning to play the guitar last year. LOL), piano(since I've learnt to play chords/without notes, I've realised there is so much more to learn), awesome thriller books.. :-)

God bless ya,
Jo

Traumatised

I just had my supposedly easiest subject. Macroeconomics. -_-

Oh well, hopefully Micro pulls it up. A LOT. I need an A for Econs. Of all subjects to disastrousize!

Mmm. I thought I'll be happy as it draws to the end.

I'm just getting more frustrated with each passing paper. Dunno why trials was such a breeze. :-(

STPM, home, life.. I feel myself being torn apart. FAR apart.

But, God has a hand in everything. I really don't know what He's trying to do, I really really don't know.. I think it may be extremely painful in the process, but I'll trust in Him. :-) (He's not giving me much choice on this trust issue, actually.)

Off now, Business tomorrow..

God bless,
Jo

Pondering...

What causes one to grow up? To mature mentally, spiritually, and emotionally?

Physically yes, everyone grows up, unless you face some sort of condition.

But in other aspects?

Me thinks, it's the experiences and problems and obstacles and everything bad that causes us to grow up.

Really.. being happy all the time just stunts one's growth. That's what I think, anyway. :-)

Ok, I'm supposed to be pondering over STPM stuff, not such irrelevant questions. Hahaha!

God bless,
Jo

Thank you God...

That I made it through today. I've never dreaded and yet hoped that such a day would be over as much as today.

=)

End of week 1

I have never, ever, ever ever ever ever ever ever ever worked SOOOOO freaking hard in my whole entire life before than the past few days.

It was like, STUDY STUDY STUDY STUDY eat STUDY STUDY STUDY STUDY exam exam exam STUDY STUDY STUDY sleep STUDY STUDY STUDY STUDY.

-_-

So so so torturous. Really! To date I've finished 1.5 ball point pens. :-) Which is good.. right? At least I didn't sit down and cry during the exam. Haha.

But the papers haven't been too good, tough. Way tougher than school exams, that's for sure. Don't trust school exams! Not Taman Sea's, anyway.

I've not studied since after today's paper(Business 1), hafta start again after this. This many hours break could cost me a lot. *sigh*

And I've got blisters on my fingers. It's really agony, to force yourself to write and write non-stop for 3 hours, 4 days in a row. Your hand is screaming "STOP!" but your brain tells you to go on, time is ticking away. I've got 2 3 hour papers this coming Monday.. don't know how my hand will survive. Lol.

I have finally understood the meaning of STPM. :-( By the 2nd day this week, after a disheartening History paper, I was wondering how I would make it through. But somehow, with God's grace, I'm.. well, sitting here now.

If uni life is as tough as the past few days, I'm dropping out. haha. Imagine if you miss out one tiny part in your book, it comes out for your exam.. and is worth 25% of that paper. Sit there and cry lah. Haha. It's that fear that drives me to keep keep going, every extra minute of studying puts in some input that may just be in the exam paper. (No, I really really don't believe in spotting, it has never worked for me. Hahaha, in fact, if you wanna know what's coming out, just ask me which part I didn't study. Half the time the very tiny section I choose to ignore comes out. =P)

Ok, that's a rant for week 1. :-) I'm not even halfway through yet, another 4 papers next week, but, I'll survive. Right?

God bless ya,
Jo

I wonder..

What would happen if I discuss about the Oedipus Complex in today's English Lit. paper? Hahahaha. How open-minded are our M'sian examiners?

2nd paper done, was tough, didn't expect them to ask on China's military organisation, focused more on Roman and Greek's military, didn't expect them to ask on Majapahit, I woulda preferred Ancient Egypt/Mesopotamia/Indus etc, but hey, it's an exam. -_-

Oh well. 8 more papers, will try to survive till the 9th of Dec. After that I'll be hibernating for a few days, me thinks.

God bless!
Jo

=)

So excited.

STPM's gonna end so so so soon! :-)

Hehehe.

I'm surrounded by stressed-up people lah. -_- And and I can't seem to feel the stress. *sigh* No drive to study non-stop.

One friend told me, "God must hate me. I only go to Him for help." Well, just keep going strong in our Lord, friend, even after STPM.. :-) A strong, close relationship with Him is an awesome one!

I'm putting on so so so much weight lah. -_- No exercise, eating non-stop.. *sigh*

Bro's coming home! How to study after that? =)

And and and.

Today during some assembly where the teachers give their speeches to 'motivate' us STPM and SPM'ers, I wanted to study a bit, so I went out of sight of the teachers. They were standing on the 1st floor looking down at us you see, so I just went underneath them. Then then, suddenly, "Joanne, Joanne!" I looked around. "Up here. This is the voice of God speaking from above."

-_-

HAHAHAHAHA. It was one of my favourite teachers laughing at me.. from above. She must have seen me going out of sight. =)

Hehe. Love most of my teachers loads. :-) Can talk to them about anything. And they are such fun. The ones I like, I mean. There are some out there I beh tahan, but the ones who don't emphasise on a distinct line between student and teacher I like.

I remember one time last year, when a discipline teacher, but a very nice one, was talking to me. She just took a chair and sat down in front of me talking to me about.. stuff lah. And I was SMSing some friends before that, so while she was talking I was so so worried my phone would vibrate(in my desk). But it didn't. :-)

Anyway, I'll miss my teachers when I leave school, but I won't miss school. Hehe. Comes a time when one just has to move on lah, and school rules/regulations is just plain incongruous with one.

God bless,
Jo

:-(

I've been having these bad tummyaches after meals lately. I don't know why. When it started I thought it was because I overate. So I watched what I ate every meal after that, but it still results in stomachaches.

*sigh*

Used to have this problem when I was young, up to about standard 6? But it went away and never came back.. till the past few days.

I spent some days lying down because it's so bad. :-( And I'm suppose to be studying, not stomach aching. :-(

Gotta be wise about my food now though. I think it's because I stopped eating 'unhealthy' food for quite a while, many months? and one day caved in to temptation and stuffed myself with Ramli burgers and fried oysters and everything else.

*In pain now*

On the other hand, God is awesome awesome awesome!

I asked Him for something. And... I got it! :-) Like, awesome. Better than expected. Hehehehe. The way Solomon asked for wisdom.. :-)

Of course, He's always awesome. :-) Love Him so so much!

God bless ya,
Jo

Pondering...

Had a relatively stressful day yesterday, with all sorts of things piling up. And most unfortunately, STPM wasn't part of the stress pile. Oh well.

And it was dad's birthday yesterday! Sadly we didn't do anything, mum was busy with some meeting and school dinner, I was.. what was I doing, actually? I had guitar class.. a lot of sleep time (I tend to sleep a lot when I'm stressed I think, helps to wile away plenty of time). Then I was so stressed up I wanted to go for prayer in church (it helps oh-so-much!). But even then I had to find dinner for dad, ended up ordering pizza since he wanted it. And I thought I'd wait for it to arrive and pay for it etc before leaving for church, but PIZZA HUT WAS LATE. They came after 50 mins! Not the usual 30 mins. Left the payment and collecting of pizza to dad after pacing around waiting for it to arrive for so long. Cancelling that order would have meant I'd need to find some other kind of food, so I didn't.

My sincerest apologies for rambling.

Anyway, I've been thinking a lot about faith lately, particularly, the Christian faith.

Do we (2nd generation of Christians onwards) hold on to real faith? Or do we hold on to our PARENTS' faith?

When I talk to many Christians, most of what they utter about Christianity is stuff that has been indoctrinated into them. Never once have they thought to question their faith. Which, of course, is not good. When trials and temptations come, such blind faith, merely imitating all we've been taught, will crumble.

Thinking aloud now.. bear with me. This is mostly to do with Pentecostalism, the faith I grew up with.


Which part of the Bible tells us we cannot drink wine?

Which part says we cannot smoke?

Which part says no gambling?

Which part says about being slain in the Spirit?

The list goes on and on.

Truthfully, I cannot seem to find Bible verses that tell me about the questions I've mentioned.

If smoking is so evil because it can destroy our body.. isn't eating unhealthily, leading a sedentary lifestyle just as dangerous? Why do Christians abhor smoking, and yet find other ways to destroy our bodies? Do we have a right to condemn smokers if we ourselves our destroying our bodies in other ways??

To us 2nd generation Christians (onwards), the Holy Spirit, God, and Jesus-the 3 in 1 concept is accepted unquestioningly. Which is why it's good to talk to new believers, or non-believers about such things. They tend to ask questions which force us to think, and oftentimes, we find ourselves answerless. Of course, there is the argument that a too-intellectual faith is dangerous. But if we were to blindly memorise and recite all we learn without actually thinking about them, that renders us no better than.. than some other type of faith.

Why did Jesus teach us to forgive, and yet the Bible also speaks about 'an eye for an eye'?

It's time to let go of blind faith, and to embrace genuine faith in our Lord Jesus Christ. :-)

Oh man. I'm supposed to be studying, not pondering over such things. Growing up is toooough! But I enjoy it. :-)

God bless ya,
Jo

Of MUET and life :-)

Took MUET today... attempting to aim for Band 6 again..? I think quite fail lor, haha, I found speaking and listening easier, but reading and writing more difficult. And and seeing reading and writing are both worth so so many more marks as compared to speaking and listening..

Oh well. No harm retrying, I suppose..

Slept my afternoon away, woke up for lunch.. just after I finished lunch, I suddenly saw a few of the youth standing outside my house. -_- Lol, talk about surprises. And they were singing me a birthday song! Hmm.. wrong month. But but their 'stress-free kit' is really awesome! Food + card + 2 stressballs that smile just like me! =)

Well, it sure did perk my day up, and I've got the motivation to study. I think. Lol.

One of them said, "We can really see the difference between the SPMers and STPMers."

So I was thinking (with my sleepy look and all) that she meant STPM was waaay harder than SPM so we looked like we were working harder and suffering more.

"The STPMers are like 'ah whatever lah who cares'."

LOL. So much for me thinking some noble thoughts about how 'hard' I've worked thus far.

You destroy my reputation lah Wai Yan! If you were not playing just before they visited you they would have thought I'm working hard too. :-(

Oh well, thank God for nice people. :-)

4.5 weeks more to FREEDOM! :-)

Tanggal hari ke-sembilan... bulan dua belas, kosong sembilan.. merdeka, merdeka...

Bejeweled time!

Then study. ;-)

God bless,
Jo

Contemplating...

About my future. :-)

I really don't want to go overseas..? Although so so so many people are pressuring me to do so, what with the government sponsoring you if you get into a good university.

-_-

Is a paper degree worth so so much? So what if I can get into some renown university? (Okay, it's probably worth gold.. to others.) But I don't wanna work so so so hard on my studies! I'm so lazy laaah. :-( I only study hard in school because there are no distractions, the moment I'm home I do everything else. Piano, guitar, tv, facebook, internet... I really try to study, I do.. but.. I think I'm hyperactive or something lah. Haha. Itchy butt syndrome.

I wanna pick up as many skills as I can while I'm young, so I wanna stay right here. Plus I don't think I should leave home, not right now, not in the years to come. Gotta see how things go.. but for now, I feel I'm needed here.

But what if I regret in 10 years time.. and wished I'd gone to some prestigious university? (Although I still don't regret rejecting JPA and MOE's scholarships..)

What if?

I don't think I will lah. Haha. I don't know, really.

God, show me your will... and grant me my heart's desires?

God bless ya,
Jo

Hello :-)

I'm bored of studying. -_-

Because my subjects STILL require last minute revision anyway. Even if I finish my History books today, I'll STILL need to rush through every single detail the day before my paper.

So.

What's the point???

Haha.

Eng. Lit... give up laaar. -_-

Wait wait, cannot give up. Too close to the end to give up.

No drive/motivation to study lah. In form 5 I had lah, I wanted a scholarship.

Now I just want a place in the nearest local U. Mmm. Which I may not get even if I'm the top student in the whole country because of our country's odd odd education system.

So.

What's the point???

haha.

Ok ok, I should study and leave the rest to God.

Mmm.

Bored lah.

-_-

3 weeks away!

I can't believe I'm 3 weeks away from STPM. That I'll be applying for university soon.

I'm in a semi-conscious-dream-like state. LOL.

Mmm, so much has been happening when I should be concentrating totally on my studies.

But I don't really mind.. I'm doing my best, leaving the rest to God. :-)

So so so many plans after STPM. :-)

Hehehe. No, I won't sleep my time away like after SPM. I've been given another chance to enjoy 8 months of complete nothingness, and I'm not gonna blow it this time.

One question people ask me, and others are afraid to ask me (but oft times I can see the unasked question in their eyes): "Do you have any regrets?"

My answer: "No. I'm not a person who feeds off 'regret-fullness'.. and I believe whatever has happened has been used to mould me and my character by my heavenly Dad. Everything that has happened since then is kinda like a snowball effect, and I would not be where I am now if not for all these."

Only recently have I realised how glad I am I chose the Arts stream in form 4, despite misgivings and attempts to sway my choice by so so so many people at that time. Despite the culture shock I had to go through (haha, you try lah, coming from 'good' classes all the way to one of the last classes in the form).. I learnt to loosen up a lot since then, and have only studied when it truly matters ever since. Lol. Monthly tests and homework usually forgotten. Ok, that part isn't so good I suppose, but.. when it doesn't matter.. =P

Oops, I'm getting random. Oh well. :-)

A while more!

God bless,
Jo

=)

Had an awesome weekend. =)

Really, I did!

Especially Sunday. Haha. =) Went for a teacher's open house, then went out with friends, did 3 new things:

1. Lepak for ONE SOLID HOUR. As in, doing NOTHING. Like, NOTHING. Not talking, not eating, not ANYTHING! Just standing around. Haha, not so enjoyable, this part.

2. Karaoke, not too bad.

3. Gaming. Now, this one I really liked. =P Hahaha, for once, my 'sure die one sure die one' was literal. In the game, that is. :-)

Reached home at 12.45am, but I stubbornly wanted to go to school so I took a bath, went online a while, then slept.

Aye, it was a good weekend. Good fellowship, good friends, no studying, what else could be better?

But with STPM less than 4 weeks away, that was extremely bad timing. Hahaha.

Hence, I shall.. er, cut down my play time, and increase my study time from now onwards.

Did I mention cutting down my sleep time too? I sleep a couple of hours all the time! As in, maybe an hour in school, 2-3 hours after school, 1 hour at night, another 4 hours before school. -_-

Haha.

God bless,
Jo

Hahahaha

It's 3.53am in the morning.

And I'm talking to a long-lost cousin online.

He's one funny dude.

Lol! Seriously. Take us out of the usual seeing-each-other-in-family context and suddenly all propriety disappears.

But I've got church in a few hours time, so I'll have to stop the chatting. Mmm. Hehe. Off to bed!

God bless ya,
Jo

Oh no...

I'm now addicted to Bejeweled Blitz on Facebook. :-( The fact that it's a mere 1 minute game doesn't help either, as I can sit down playing it for hours.

But, my right thumb is starting to hurt, I don't know why, not hurt exactly, but get that geli feeling, so I'm taking a break. Maybe from clicking too much? hahaha.

Mmm, 30+ days to STPM.. =)

I've been..

Er, yeah, studying, in between Bejeweled and sleep time. A LOT of Bejeweled and Sleep time, I'm afraid. :-( Hahaha.

Today someone told me, "Haiyah, you so smart di no need to study lah!!" Me, "Huh? So I just sleep on my book then everything go inside lah since no need to study??" (Unless she means I absorb everything the teachers say.. but considering I'm usually stoning unless the topic interests me..)

LOL. Her statement keeps replaying itself in my head. Since when do people not need to study to do well? I don't know about Science stream, but I know in Arts stream, if you don't study, no matter what photographic super chun memory you have, you'll fail anyway. Lol. You can't write about Alexander the Great and Julius Caesar and Chulalongkorn and Shih Huang Ti and Diponegoro and Shang dynasty and Chin dynasty and Chou dynasty and Assyrian Empire and Graeco-Roman and Perang Larut and and Perang Basus and Jose Rizal and Neanderthals and Peking Man and Chandragupta Maurya and Asoka and Kautilya and Niccolo Machiavelli and Sun Tzu and Babylon and Phalanx formation and Hoplite and Mongkubumi and Senapati and Khastriya and Pharaohs and and....

You get my point. Hahaha. No one is BORN with all that information in their brains. If only we were... ;-)

Hehe. I've had perfect attendance ever since the teachers have stopped teaching. :-) It's so wonderful to go to school and just studying/sleeping, no pressure.

12.37am, am off now. zzzzz.. after one more round of Bejeweled. =P

God bless ya,
Jo

A good day...

Well, socially, that is. Haha, studies-wise, FAIL.

After lunch with the church peeps I went home to wait for more guests. :-) Guests from Kuantan and some old church peeps.

Good time of chatting, despite the BIIIG age-gap between a kid like me -_- and the rest of them adults.

One issue that was brought was the inhibitions we(those who have left) have to get rid of, slowly but surely, of many ideas and stances we learnt before. Which is true, really. I still struggle with many issues, having been brought up as a kid in there. I suppose if you're an adult with already fixed ideas and all it's not so easy to change your view (still happens though) about some things, but as a kid it's relatively easy to mould one's mindset and ways. I remember absorbing things eagerly at times, and other times turning loose the rebel in me.

Looking at each of the ex-members, we're all nursing our own different wounds and hurts, whether family-wise, or individually. Mending relationships after we've been encouraged to destroy them, rereading the Bible again and again to see if things we were taught before is really of God, slowly but sure assimilating into another world we've always thought was warped and distorted. Accepting and HELPING, not judging or CONDEMNING those who have trouble.

Life's not all fine and dandy now, however. Some still have loved ones caught in there, who are being taught to disrespect and detest those who have left (including their own parents). It broke my heart to see one man who used to be such a bubbly, cheerful man changed to a quiet, constantly-looking-down person... a victim who's fighting to have his family to love him again. I felt (and still feel) anguish as I heard a mother speak softly of a son who believes that his parents are out there to get him, to destroy his relationship(s)... yet another victim.

Groups of friends have been broken up, settling into different churches.. and from what I hear, not all are altogether happy(how does one fit completely in with a group of people who've known each other for years and years??). But the good thing is some have started serving, someway or other, whether in church or out of church, in various ministries. Something we never had the chance to do before, that's for sure. And learning so much more through going out into the community, and not confining ourselves to the 4 walls of a building.

It hurts to see broken lives. Worse still, caused by a group who was supposed to strengthen each other through tough circumstances, and not vice versa.

However, the way God used Joseph's life.. from favourite child to slave to prisoner to mighty ruler(it's worse, isn't it, when you crash from a comfortable position to depths you'd never imagine)... I know God will use each one of us, whatever circumstances we've been through, whatever hurt we're still nursing, and mould us into His very own pottery, to be used for His almighty kingdom.

Before they left, one of them(a pastor) prayed. And what an interesting prayer he prayed. ;-) He prayed for my parents... and me. And whoa! what a prayer for me. I'm still reeling from it, actually. Lol. He prayed that if God wants me to be a missionary for Him, so be it. And that I would get my parents' blessings. Hmmmmm.

Well, anyway, yeah, that's about it.

We've all still got a long way to go, God still has many plans for us, I only pray that none of us will ever give up hope on Him, despite situations that seem hopeless.

And... let's be honest, I don't know who reads my blog because I don't keep track. Er, I think I once put a tracker or something but with my no-internet-savvy-skills I don't know what happened to it. So if you're from MT and reading my blog(and doubtless reporting all things), I'm just gonna plead with you: Please, do not condemn us for what we have done. It's not easy to leave our comfort zones and to step into uncharted territory, worst still, without our families(for some of us), but some things have to be done. I know I've stopped talking to those of you who tried to get in touch with me, but I was, and still am, sorting through all my confusion.

Perhaps I should have kept in contact with you, but I was afraid, at that time, that all things would be reported back, and in turn hurt my family. Hurt me nevermind-lah, I don't care anymore, but I'm fiercely protective of my family. I know I've been blocked on Facebook.. again, maybe my fault for shutting you all out. It was, and still is, a healing process, and I don't know how long it'll take. But I'm ready now, if any of you read this(you know who you are) to talk, to explain matters. I won't try to 'brainwash' you, and you can try to explain things to me, if you wish. I'll try my level best not to be cynical (a useful skill from MT ;-)). I've not 'lost my salvation' and I'm not (really) a rebellious kid (I love my parents LOADS k), I've gotten so so so much closer to our heavenly Dad in the midst of all this.

That's all for today,
God bless ya loads,
Jo

3.20am!

I should be sleeping, or studying.

But I've had a very unfruitful Friday.. slept so so so much. :-(

Decided to appear online on MSN after a loong loong time (normally I appear offline), and had some good old chats with MSN friends. :-) Still chatting now, actually.

These friends are older, more experienced, er.. mature, I supposed, so I find the change of topics rather refreshing. Haha, I can't very well complain about STPM, because I'll be brushed off by them condescending people who've 'been through it all'.

But after a long hiatus from such conversations, chats with these people remind me of life. :-( Problems, problems, problems.. not about simple stuff like studies, either.

From people who started out strong in the Lord, only to grow stronger.. to others who've grown cold.. and yet to others who've never known Him personally, and at the moment, no wish to know Him either.

How hard will we cling on to Christ when our comfortable lives are shaken? When real, life problems pile on? When everything we've known is taken away?

I've always looked at those who are leaders and wonder, if one day, they find themselves a 'nobody', will they still love God? I know of people who will only attend stuff if they are given a role/job/leadership position in that particular event.. take that away, and sure, they stick around.. for a while.

Oh, it's easy to say "I'll definitely cling on to Christ, harder still!" but when push comes to shove.. will we?

If we lose our family, lose our friends, lose our health, lose everything... will we?

Nevertheless, had a good time conversing with friends today, if you're reading this, you know who you are. :-)

God bless ya,
Jo

Hellooo

=)

30+ days more to STPM. I don't know exactly how many, it decreases so so quickly I lost track long ago. The school's countdown is giving false hope, it's permanently stuck at 46 days. HAHA. Oh well.

Mmm. I got back my last paper for trials.. History. And I got 86% for it! :-D I've not gotten such high marks for History since... since... er.. I don't know when. Maybe, even never? Lol.

Form 6 reminds me of one of the advantages of higher education - specialization. The 5 subjects I'm handling now are closer to my interests, and with Math and Science permanently out of my way, I'm way happier studying what I'm studying now. :-)

But I'm caught in a wrong era lah. Studying History, I've realised that Arts and Literature used to be given oh-so-much emphasis before, in Ancient times. I think I would have loved to be born in those times. At least people won't look at me funny when I say I enjoy Literature although it's my toughest subject.

Now everything is Math and Science and Math and Science... my brain just shuts off when I see/hear/touch/smell/taste these lah. I really can't help it, I don't know why. Hehe, but I do know I've never regretted making that decision in form 2 to choose Arts stream in form 4, although it separated me from so so so many.. okay, ALL my friends. It was kinda like me skipping standard 4 all over again, leaving behind friends I've made over the years.

Hmm, maybe God's trying to prepare me for something.

Or maybe I'll just be numb to separation after all these separations, like Hardy's poem 'In Tenebris'. =P

I do, however, find kinesthetics very interesting. If everyone studied this we'd all be conscious of how very very much we reveal our feelings through our physical actions and postures. =P (Is kinesthetics a science? I learn a teeny weeny bit of it in Business.. and a lot more through thrillers.. I think it's more towards the Sciencey field.)

Okay, yeah, anyway, yeah. :-) Moving on..

A group of classmates want to apply for UMS (Universiti Malaysia Sabah).. for.. er, various reasons. The most prominent reason was to get away from home, though. (Haha, sounds like me being happy that I got sent to Kedah before.) Which brought up thoughts of Where am I going next year? again. Mmm. I really don't think I should be leaving home just yet, though if you ask me I really won't mind being independent and living away from home again, that's the one part I enjoyed about Kedah. But.. mmm. I don't know. I trust God will show me His way though. :-)

Ok ok, I'm starting to not make sense. Comes from too much thinking and poetry.

I'm off now,

God bless ya,
Jo

I'm supposed to be studying...

I came online to do some English Lit research. Kononnya, that is. Hahaha.

Mmm, I ended up researching on other stuff.

But I cannot share what I've gotten because I've got a lot to absorb and pray about first. :-)

Just some questions if you wanna ponder/research on:

What does the Bible say about drinking?

What does the Bible say about tattoos and body piercings?

What does the Bible say (not say?) about being 'slain in the spirit'?

I daresay the 3rd question would be the most controversial among Christians.. Time for deep prayer, peeps. No use allowing ourselves to be swept away by emotional highs if it's not Biblical..

Ok, I don't know, really, if anyone wants to try and enlighten me further, go ahead. :-)

God bless ya,
Jo

=)

I thank God for...

Everything! :-)

Like, keeping me safe today even as I followed some crazy drivers, convoy-style, to my class teacher's open house. That's why I pray everytime I get behind the steering wheel. Hehehe. :-)

I thank God for... mmm, friends. :-) I may not have many.. due to my lazy-ability to keep in touch with friends after I'm separated from them, but I'm glad some still remember me and we hang out together, occasionally. :-) (Am I glad for Facebook, considering I'm hardly ever ever on MSN these days.)

I thank God I look forward to church now, after 10 torturous years of forcing myself to attend it, and constantly finding excuses to skip church.

I thank God.. that STPM is gonna be over soon.

I thank God... that I can drive. :-) Although I dislike driving at times, hey, at least now I can drive, with parents being so busy these days.

I thank God that I enjoy reading books. :-) They tug me into a whole new world, open a completely new realm of possibilities.

I thank God that He's brought me through and out of life's calamities relatively unscathed, strengthened physically, spiritually, emotionally, and mentally. :-)

I thank God for life. :-)

Helloo.. :-)

No, really, I'm not bipolar. It's just that I have my ups and downs, like everyone else. :-) Hey, life ain't perfect!

But, it's a happy post today.

Okay, not really happy, just a light-hearted one.

6 weeks more to STPM! And Wai Yan told me that with 40 days to go, that's 10 days PER subject.. IF you're taking 4 subjects. And if I'm taking 5? That's less than 10 days per subject! -_- Which is not enough to cover any subject, unless you have them all at the tip of your finger tips. Which is untrue for me, cause I'm just starting some chapters TODAY. As in, completely untouched/unread before this.

But.. I thank God for showing me that there is still a flicker of hope for STPM, I did surprisingly okay for trials. :-) I guess He knew how close I was to giving up..

The one thing I don't wanna feel next year is REGRET. That's all. Regret is a horrible feeling that just gnaws into my conscience.. despite valiant attempts to shake it away. Regret was one emotion I didn't feel after SPM, simply because I knew I had given it my all, and left the rest to God.

This time, I admit, I didn't put in my whole heart, soul, mind, and strength into STPM, but I think I matured a lot spiritually and mentally as compared to pre-SPM days. But.. with 6 weeks left, I guess I better give it my all, and leave the rest to God. :-)

STPM is special to me. :-) Because:

1. I joined my fellow comrades in this battle 6 months late.

2. No pressure to emulate the elder brother this time (Pressure to get straight As in UPSR, PMR, SPM... Enough is enough la, I'm setting my own standard this time =P)! :-)

3. It's something I really, really, didn't want to do, especially not in SMK Taman SEA, but.. God has His own mysterious ways. Not that I mind, His ways are so much higher and unfathomable.

4. I've never had to juggle so so so so many issues with a major exam before. Before this it was only juggling between badminton, co-curricular activities, and studies.

5. Life has never been so challenging before, period. Oh yeah, growing up's tough. Not physically/biologically, but in so many other aspects. (Driving is fun when it's optional. When you're forced to drive, it becomes a burden. -_-)

Hehe, before I sign off, I'll share something I got on Facebook. You know, there's an application that tells you what 'God wants You to Know'. Haha, I may be a natural skeptic but I decided to add it, and while some days it gives me really mysterious messages that I simply don't bother understanding, today's was rather apt. :-)

Joanne got a message that on this day, God wants her to know...

... that you are only as free as you imagine yourself to be.

There is nothing ''out there'' that's holding you down, - you are limiting yourself only with ...your own imagination. And your greatest limits are not even the ''cannot'' and the ''should not'', but the places where your imagination hasn't yet gone at all. There has never been a better time for you to open your eyes, let the imagination soar and see what more is possible.

Okay I admit that sounds *slightly* humanistic. If God isn't in it, that is. So, with God, all things are possible. :-)

God bless ya,
Jo

I detest...

Living like an only child. 'Tis exhausting, completely-physically, mentally draining.

-_-

Don't we all feel like running away sometimes?

Responsibilities, responsibilities, responsibilities... *sigh*

How in the world am I supposed to do even reasonably well in STPM at the rate things are going???

Grant me the strength to go through it all, Lord.

=)

Hmm, not dreading school next week.

Although this week has hardly been a 'rest week' with a 4 day camp, and a 2 day badminton competition, it went pretty well. :-)

I want another badminton group lah. :-( I stopped going for my favourite badminton group every Sat morning.... -_-

But my Friday nights are now free, with prayer meeting moved to Wed night. Hmm. :-)

But, STPM's coming too.

But I still played badminton in the midst of SPM.

Then again, back then life only revolved around badminton & studies.

Hmm. Gotta find a new group. My friends whom I used to play with have all... moved on, shall we say. Gone to Germany, gone to Australia, gone here gone there, too busy clubbing, too busy studying, too busy this too busy that.. :-(

The funniest one I've heard so far, "Since I've gotten a girlfriend I haven't played badminton la!"

LOL.

We all move on sometime or other, eh.

God bless!

Hello bloggy :-)

Am back from The Plan '09! It was really good, for me. Not being selfish or anything, but yeah, it was good for ME. I say that because during the past few CF camps, the 'burden' has been for the campers, and not so much for myself. I mean, they was usually spent interceding for our campers. But this time, it was more for me, myself, and really, it settled several issues in my life that I'd hardly even realised had been holding me back. I suppose previously I didn't have such problems that now seem to encroach my personal life.

And really, God is just awesome. :-)

Wai Yan and I happened to join the erm.. intercessors during The Plan one evening. From there I realised, wow, it's the prayers of these people who have kept the entire conference going, and the reason why it solved personal issues for me. They did the 'macro' part, so that we could get the 'micro' effect, if you understand what I mean.

It was my first time meeting so so many others with a heart to do God's work, and really, it was refreshing. Having belonged to a church that sneered at such camps/conferences before, I must admit I was rather skeptical about it, but decided to obey that Someone I truly love. And it was amazing.

Having the 1 a.m. band leading worship one night brought up memories though.. it's hard not to be skeptical about some things when you've got some background knowledge.. I'll leave that to God however, and will (try) not judge.

The Plan '09 was awesome.

KNOWING that God is moving, and is just waiting for people to answer His calling.

Yes, I'll reiterate, The Plan '09 was AWESOME. :-) Just the beginning though, and much more prayer will be needed. A LOT more prayer. And willing hearts.

God bless ya,
Jo

(Ishmael is the father of Arabs. That connection never, ever, ever struck my mind even though I've read some things here and there. This discovery was like, *boom* and got me wondering, how many things do I know that I've never, ever made connections before??)

(Oh, and I've got a badminton competition tomorrow! :-D)

Kalo nak berpolitik dlm Malaysia..

Lebih baik kalo BM kita powderful.

I just watched some videos of Malaysia's parliment at its bes.. er, worst. And it was pretty obvious that the MPs who struggled with BM had a clear disadvantage as compared to fluent Malay-speaking MPs. Of course, if the debates had been conducted in English instead, I daresay the tables would be turned around. But, bear in mind that Malay is our official language, so.. when in Rome, do as Romans do.

In other words, MPs ought to try to improve their BM to a point that they stop fumbling for words, I believe you are playing at a very very unlevel field(more than it already is) if you're struggling to get words out against some machine-gunned-mouth MP.

Of course, one wonders how Malaysia is ever gonna advance when our MPs are heatedly arguing over semantics instead of real issues. Hmm.

This Youtube Video can explain what I mean. (It's 2 years old though, can't say much has improved since then.)

Mmm.. "BODOH (STUPID)! BODOH!"

After the Yang di-Pertua says that he "tidak menggalakkan perkataan 'bodoh' digunakan (discouraged the use of the word 'stupid')", Nazri changes to, "Tidak cerdik (Not intelligent). Tidak cerdik. Tidak cerdik. Tidak cerdik! Ah, macam bodoh lah, tidak cerdik (Like stupid lah, the word not intelligent)!"

I'm positive that had Nazri been arguing against a fluent-Malay-speaking MP, he would not have changed 'bodoh' to 'tidak cerdik'. Simply because the fun is taken out of semantics when your opponent clearly understands your meaning. To have explained 'tidak cerdik' is demeaning on the other MP's part as it clearly shows how lowly he thinks of that MP's fluency in BM. Whether he really had to explain the word 'tidak cerdik' or not is another issue, but the fact that he even THINKS he has to explain it reflects his impression of that MP's BM.

Was just feeling random. :-)

God bless!

Currently in Malacca :-)

Went to Pahlawan & Mahkota today. And bought a new bag! :-) It's as if a bag fest is going on! Bags that cost RM39.90 in PJ are RM19.90, RM 25 here! :-)

Mmmm. And of course, the food. The food is oh so so so unhealthy. I had my chicken rice ball, of course, which isn't that unhealthy.. as compared to what dinner was. Dinner had 'lap cheong'/chinese sausage. While I really really would abstain from eating that under normal circumstances, my relatives had cooked that and shoved it onto my plate, so I (silently) asked for Grace really hard. Oh well.

As usual, I can't get any studies done here, Malacca is my holiday home lah how in the world am I suppose to STUDY here?? *sigh* Should have stayed in PJ... but.. oh well. I thought I should see my relatives more often. I think this is only my 3rd/4th visit to Malacca this year.

Anyway, I'm headed for The Plan '09 tomorrow! :-)

Just a thought before ending,

Is it possible to resist God?

God bless ya,
Jo

What if...

WHAT IF...

Church was held in an outdoor place under the blistering hot sun?

Comfortable, cushiony chairs were taken away and people have to stand to hear God's word?

Sermons preached focus on repenting and turning away from our sinful, secular ways?

We find ourselves constantly berated and jeered at by family, friends, for believing in God?

Believing in our God means being locked up in prison, being ostracized from family & friends?

Following our God means giving up our (worldly) dreams and following His Call?

Loving God means giving up all the nice, comfortable, securities of our lives?

Carrying our crosses causes pain and heartache not just to ourselves, but to our loved ones?

Would you still cling on to Christ?

Would I? I don't mind giving myself up for Christ, but I HATE the feeling of disappointing loved ones. And that is where the real test comes in.

Am I willing to hurt OTHERS for Christ?

Luke 9:23 says,

Then He said to them all, “If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow Me.

Lord, guide me.

Happy Malaysia Day!

:-) I'd prefer if Malaysia day were made a public holiday instead of 31st August. Malaysia Day includes everyone! :-) (Including Singapore....)

Of course, 2 public holidays, 16th Sep and 31st August would be awesome too. :-)

Why, then we'll be having Chinese New Year holidays, Raya holidays, Thaipusam, Deepavali, Christmas, Agong's birthday, King's birthday, and all the other small small holidays that I simply cannot keep track of.

Haha. Why in the world would people want to leave Malaysia, I wonder.

Happy Malaysia Day! :-)

Exactly a Year Has Passed...

Since I decided to leave IPDA. It was the week before Raya holidays too, last year.

How life has changed so much, eh?

How I made hard decisions that I never, ever, thought I would, and could make. Yeah, I would never, ever have expected myself to give up a full scholarship, and to enter form 6 SIX months late. SIX!

To go back to the regime of school life (minus the comfort of many things I took for granted in all my 5 years of secondary school-good friends, teachers who knew me, the assurance of a good co-curricular vitae..)..

To live at home in a very different circumstance from before, where suddenly everything I took for granted was snatched away..

To uproot myself from a church that I've practically grown up in..

To force myself to question many beliefs that I had, and to admit that yes, I was wrong, and dangerously wrong at that.

But, I've grown so much since then, learned oh-so-much from God, and about God. (And the more I discover about Him, the more I discover there is to learn about Him).

Suddenly, I find myself completely, absolutely relying on Him, and Him alone. Because man has obviously failed me, and my brains and badminton skills and whatsoever else were rendered useless in situations that were simply beyond my control.

Nevertheless, now that a full year has passed, God has indeed revealed Himself to be one mighty, awesome, yet mysterious God.

In terms of school, I made good friends, although I'm definitely not close to my teachers as I was in form 5, they were nice enough to me, and the most amazing thing, God proved to me that indeed, everything was in His hands for the co-curricular part.

You see, in form 6 people constantly talk about posts and co-curricular that constitutes 10% for your entrance to university. Frankly, for me, I would prefer to work on my 90%(STPM), but friends and teachers seemed to worry about MY 10%, asking me to join this club and that club for posts. But I only wanted to be in CF, and really, unlike form 5 where I was involved in 6-7 activities, I had no more energy/will to do that in form 6.

So I started the year in upper 6 contented enough with being involved in badminton and CF. Then a friend left form 6/CF, and Sampat offered me her CF post. Then, in the school badminton team, the captain insisted on stepping down so that I could be captain. We were arguing over it when our teacher heard us, and she veto powered us, 'Joanne, you're form 6, you need it for koko marks, you're captain.' And in Yellow House, I just found out few weeks back, they put me down as the badminton captain. They actually replaced a form 4 girl with me! Their logic was she could get the post next year. And since I only found out about it after they had submitted in the list.. thankfully I'm on good terms with that girl.

And of course, I never, ever, thought I would be picked to enter MSSS, especially since I'd stopped training by then.

Co-curricular activities/posts, something I deemed 'small' and 'unimportant', in light of my current circumstances, yet He still took care of it.

In His own way, God was telling me to trust Him. And since I had no other choice.. it's funny how God needs humble us so much before we actually learn to completely surrender ourselves to Him.

As for home, it's tough sometimes, but, God is in it all. :-)

And while the shift from MT to PPBC wasn't entirely easy, I daresay I'm pretty comfortable in PPBC now. :-)

I think, having to question, and change some of my stubbornly-held principles and beliefs was the toughest part, considering how mule-headed I am. But God has been revealing a lot, through his Scripture, and it's been a truly, truly humbling experience to admit that I've been completely wrong.

All in all, I'd never imagined my comfortable world would undergo so much of havoc and turbulence in a span of a few weeks/months, but honestly speaking?

I would rather be where I am now, in a position where I have no one but God to rely on, than to have all the world in the palm of my hands that I could effectively push God out of the picture, and just go to church, pray occasionally, and thank Him for all the good things I had in life.

Mmm, God is AWESOME! :-) And I love Love LOve LOVe LOVE Him! Hehehehe.

Hehehehe =)

Trials are over, and I think, I THINK, I didn't do too badly, in fact, I may just improve from last term! :-) Because I worked harder this term. hehe. I didn't give up halfway, that is. (It all depends on your first paper, if you feel you did fine, then you'll have more mood to study.)

Anyway, yeah, STPM's coming, closer and closer..

And thinking about STPM reminded me about the AFTER it too.

That's where the real thinking starts.

Hmmm..

The Spices lady wants me to work with the special kids first, before 'you decide what to do'.

My Eng. Lit. teacher thinks I should consider majoring in Eng. Lit., and then lecturing.

My family thinks I should consider studying overseas in some 'prestigious university'.

Some friends think I'm gonna 'waste your brains' if I just confine myself to some simple course.

My teachers think I shouldn't become a teacher.. 'wasted'.

Some other friends think I'm doomed cause I 'threw away 2 full overseas scholarships'.

Still others think I should do a 'useful, professional course' that will guarantee me a 'good job'.

As for me...

Arrgh. You ask me, the secular desire I have, would be to do a double-degree, which can't be done in Malaysia. The combination? Special Education and English Literature.

But an overseas education will require a scholarship. Mmm, which, I don't think I can get from the government anymore. And scholarships require excellent results. EXCELLENT, not the way I'm barely floating now.

As for teaching, I'm really not sure about it anymore. I was adamant about teaching at one point, I know, but life and circumstances have changed so much that I'm quite a changed person too.

Ish, I'm not even sure about Special Education and English Literature anymore.

And again, I'm reminded, that I've left it all in His almighty hands, and that if only I'll leave things to Him, everything will not be disastrous (unlike 2008).

Into Your hands I commit myself, Lord.

The difference...

Last year, when I entered form 6 one week before end year exams, I decided to sit for 3 papers. Out of 5. MUET, Pengajian Am (General Paper) and Economics.

MUET, simply because it was English, I didn't need to study for it.

PA, simply because it was a general paper, my friends told me I didn't need to study for it. Haha, I remember looking around, wondering why people brought colour pencils, compasses, and protractors during that paper. Needless to say, I scored a 0/15 for my graph for that paper.

Econs... 2 reasons. It was the last paper in the time-table, hence I would have the most time to prepare for it, considering I was already 6 months behind my classmates. And, because I already had a foundation in Econs during SPM, so it wasn't tough to grasp just a few more concepts in a matter of days. (Ok, I had a foundation for Business (through Commerce in SPM) too, but because I'm such an unmotivated person and I only took 2 months of tuition for it just before SPM, by SPM time I had only gone through it ONE round. ONE pathetic round! How lah to remember anything now??)

Haha, I got a band 6 for MUET that term, never to get it again :-(, my marks for PA remained the same during mid-terms this year and end year last year, a pathetic 66%, and my Econs improved somewhat, from 75% last year to 85% last term.

So really, whether I sat for exams after only 1 week of school, or 5 months of school had absolutely no bearing on my results. If anything, my results last year can be considered astounding, and kinda pathetic this year. I feel like such an unmotivated pig. -_-

LOL.

Anyway, it's down to Islamic and World History tomorrow, Microeconomics on Monday, and colouring contest (PA1) on Tuesday. :-)

I daresay my Business marks will beat my History marks this term. My History is going down down down the drain. Unless I work dog-hard tonight. If I can stay awake, that is.

Haha. Lazy lah. I'm always like this, running out of steam when I'm closest to the (temporary) finish line. I've hardly studied at all today, since I came home. :-(

Did you know Andalusia means Land of Vandals?

Now, why can't History papers ask questions like that? Why do they have to ask the oh-so-so-tough questions instead?

Lol.

Stress, stress. That's why a teeny bit random.

:-)

God bless ya,
Jo

Turning the Other Cheek

Matthew 5:39 says,

But I tell you not to resist an evil person. But whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also.

Just felt the urge to blog about this verse today as I thought about it. Actually, I felt prompted to think about it. :-)

Anyway, this verse is oftentimes interpreted as that Christians should just accept bashings, insults, and even OFFER himself/herself to be beaten up.

But, if we look deeper into this verse.. ;-) Allow me, pretty please with a laptop on top? Hehe.

Okay, in those days, the right hand was used for holding swords, doing 'clean' stuff, whereas the left hand was reserved for dirty.. toilet stuff. You get my drift?

So, if one were to slap another, only the RIGHT hand would be used. Now, why did Jesus specify the RIGHT cheek? He could have just said, 'cheek' without specifying right or left. Well, just imagine you're about to slap somebody (WOI IMAGINE ONLY OK!) in front of you. If you slapped that fella with your right hand on his/her right cheek, it would be a backhanded slap, no? That was the 'type of slap' reserved for inferiors, subordinates, slaves in those days. It's just a backhanded slap, to humiliate one, not necessarily to hurt, but to humiliate.

Now, Jesus said, TURN THE OTHER ALSO. Now, imagine your 'slappee' turning his/her LEFT cheek to you now instead. Bear in mind, you're using your RIGHT hand still, to slap.

Uh-oh.

Suddenly, you have to slap the 'slappee' on the left cheek, and it's no longer a backhanded slap, but one with the palm of your hand. This person is all of a sudden, if you slap him/her, no longer an inferior, but someone who is of your level. To slap someone with the palm of your hand would be to slap someone who is on par with you, you see.

(Also, personally, I feel that to humiliation is reserved for inferiors, people whom you CAN humiliate without causing physical harm. On the other hand, you can only try to physically hurt someone who is ON PAR with you to claim that you're 'above them', simply because humiliation doesn't work on them, they are not your subordinates, after all. Correct me if I'm wrong here. :-))

This verse comes to mind when we're faced with insults and jeers from others. Instead of retaliating or getting all defensive and fighting back.. all we have to do is... DON'T RESPOND. It's like, 'Hey man, I'm above all these insults and jeers, why in the world would I need to revenge someone like YOU?' To me, this places the 'slappee' even ABOVE the slapper, to have the courage, and dignity, to hold himself/herself in check without retaliating/sinking into depths of humiliation.

It's true, isn't it? It requires STRENGTH to keep your dignity. Honestly, sometimes I find it hard to keep quiet and not retaliate, it's so so so much easier to get all angry/defensive and fight back. To keep quiet and not respond requires me to do some clenching and curling of toes on my part to keep my frustration in. But, it's way way less satisfying to these 'slappers'. After all, people provoke for a reason, it's totally unsatisfying when the one you choose to provoke doesn't retaliate. Jesus never fought back violently although He was right and his captors, in the wrong. I love the part where they label his 'crime' on top of his cross: JESUS OF NAZARETH, THE KING OF THE JEWS. (Can you imagine the irony of it all, the Jews sought to kill him simply because they claimed he wasn't the Messiah, and yet, such was his crime, to be THE KING OF THE JEWS.)

Sorry if this post doesn't make much sense, ask me more if you want, k?

God bless ya,
Jo

Trials, Life, Me <- MY blog mah!

Hehe.

After 3 papers (Business 2, Macroeconomics, and History 2), my hand/arm is now aching. =( I had FINGER CRAMP after Sejarah paper!!! My middle right hand finger was painful. And and now I've got a blister on my thumb. I don't know what kinda horrible pen-holding skills I have :-(

I have used a total of 8 + 8 + 7 = 23 foolscap papers so far. And nearly all fully used on both sides.

Hehehe. At least I can answer!!! :-) Er, I highly doubt enough for A's lah.. but.. form 6 lah who's looking for A's? =P

Business 1 and Sejarah 1 and Microeconomics coming up. And and these 3 did much much worst compared to Business 2, Sejarah 2, and Macroeconomics last term. :-( Means I'll have to work super hard! *sigh*

On a lighter note, these heavy ones only start this coming Thursday. So I have.. slightly, more time. Considering I've not started.. :-( Hahaha, I talked talked talked, played played played, slept slept slept, prayed prayed prayed, ate ate ate today. :-)

Instead of studying in class, I got lured into talking. Then school ended and I wanted to study since I THOUGHT class would be empty.. but I ended up talking even more! :-(

Then enjoyed CF. :-) Then play Facebook.

Then slept, and overslept. I seem immune to alarm clocks nowadays. Reached late for prayer meeting.

Then then, ate ate ate. Haiz.

How to do well in STPM like that??

But but, quite a happy day mah. :-) Apart from some issues, but generally, happy day. :-)

Isn't that the most important?

No???

*sigh* I guess not.

STUDY JOANNE STUDY! Okay okay I'm gonna study now. (I'm talking to myself on my blog here. Hmmm... stress, stress.)

God bless ya,
Jo