=)

Went to Kiwanis today after a long long time. Had a really great time. :-) Those kids are just so so so adorable lah. Haiz. I missed them so so so much. Just soooo cute! =) The sad thing is this is their last week of schooling for the year. So I'll only be able to help till then. I'll be helping out during their concert this Saturday though. =) Which is going to be hilarious. =D

I plan to help out maybe every Monday next year though. Just go after school to help out. I enjoy it too much lah. Can learn so much from these innocent young souls.

One Kiwanis teacher scolded me when she found up I actually took up TESL. "With your kind of results how can you do TESL!!! Form 6 so much better!" and went on and on about it. =( But oki lah I'm in form 6 now so she oughta be happy. Lol. I'm happy that's for sure. =D

Trying to look for other special education centres to volunteer in. Maybe autistic centres, or spastic centres. If anyone knows about any kindly let me know ya.

Then went to 1 U with Dawn. And tried batting! =D Baseball batting.


That's me!!!

Oki lah I was a total noob in it. Sorry Dawn for causing that bruise on you.. I know we're supposed to hit the baseball FORWARD, not BACKWARD. ;-)

Oh, and I found out that I got 60/60 for MUET essay. LOL. I've never ever gotten perfect marks for an essay before. Oki lah, logically no teacher should ever give full marks for a language-based essay because no essay is ever perfect. But hey, Pn. Harbans is a MUET book author and examiner(I assume) so I'm happy with it. Jess told me that she read out my essay to class. Which is malufying. Good thing I was absent today. Although honestly if you ask me that essay was quite crappy. Just some ol' boring essay about the internet.

But real test all next year lah. Everything this year is chicken feet. So I've gotta start studying. Seriously. But with friends on holidays and breaks etc I can't seem to do that. =(

Oki, off now. Have a great day(as I did)!

God bless,
Jo

I'm lost

Don't know what to do. :-(

Don't know where to go. :-(

Don't know how to overcome it. :-(

This is bad. I haven't felt this feeling since.. I don't even know if I've ever felt it before.

*sigh*

Lord, show me what to do..

The very people who should be my greatest source of comfort is causing this turmoil. That's the worst part of it all.

I. want. to. leave.

How much more can I take? To appease, or to leave? Need I torment myself further?

It's okay this post isn't meant to be understood. =)

On a side note, I got an A for Econs. 75%.. not bad considering I only managed to cover 5 out of 10 chapters for the exam. Hehe, remember the threat by my Econs teacher about how nobody can get lower than me? Well, I think nearly all my classmates, save for 2 or 3 people will have to be kicked out of school. =P

However, this is only the beginning of form 6. The real test is in STPM. It's still easy now because my strong foundation from SPM days is helpful. But as it gets tougher..

So to sum it up, I got 1 A, 1 B, 2 TH(Tidak Hadir) for this semester. Not too bad, I think I won't be last in class. Those 2 subjects managed to beat quite a number who failed nearly(all?) every subject, so my TH for Business and History won't drag me down that much.

Oh, which reminds me. It's official now that I'm the assistant camp commandant for CF camp next year, and.. trust me, it's NO EASY TASK. But I have this urge to serve God in any way lately, so this is one of the ways I suppose. Whoever said serving God would be easy?

With me feeling this way about my problems lately it feels good to know that people actually trust me enough to hand me such a huge responsibility. Helping out in a camp for about 250 campers is not easy..! Nonetheless, it's God's hand in this camp. :-) We're just His vessels after all. We pray that souls will be reaped during this camp. In my opinion, camps like these are used to draw people closer to God, strengthen bonds between each other, and above all, to bring more people to Christ. Even one precious soul, if sincerely accepts Christ, then the months of planning, stress involved, money spent etc etc is worth it. Just one precious soul.

Okay so I digressed a bit. Thy will be done, Lord.

That's all for today. Take care and God bless.

Exhausted

Yeah, seriously exhausted.

And not just due to the badminton session earlier.

Exhausted with all I've been doing. I'm gonna stop going out... as soon as I can. Haha. Really can't help it lah.

Saw another young girl who could couldn't even hold a badminton racket properly when I first met her in training. And she is now Selangor's 3rd best player in her category.

Haha.

A guy I used to beat is now in Bukit Jalil Sports School(BJSS).

Another guy I never could beat is also in BJSS.

Another girl who was in the junior category, who also barely knew how to hold a racket when I knew her, is now Selangor's no. 1 player in her category.

And yet another girl whom I used to beat is now ranked 1st or 2nd in Selangor in her age category.

Another guy whom the coach never even thought of putting me against because our levels were THAT different is one of Selangor's top players now.

And yet another guy whom my coach, again, never put me against because I would have thrashed him, is one of Selangor's best players.

And now, all these players could probably thrash me on court anyday, anytime. Most of them, at least.

Well, I'm glad for them. :-)

After MSSD next year, I shall officially proclaim that I'm a retired Badminton Player, and will only play it for fun. I'll be 18 soon, and my body just can't take the wear and tear anymore. Even as I type this I'm worrying about my shoulder. My right shoulder, to be exact. To put it simply, I don't know how long more my right shoulder can last. And I'm already pushing it to the limit by training and playing so much lately.

Skipped school today again.

I will stop skipping so much school from now onwards.

Haha.

Cannot play play di lah.

Haiz.

But I watch some of my friends live for pleasure, and pleasure alone. And sometimes catch myself growing envious. I cannot join in the party, I just cannot.

Too exhausted to think further. A lil' bit random today. Hey, it's my blog! =P

God bless,
Jo

My first pass!

Lol.

I passed Pengajian Am. Considering I got 0/15 for my graph, a 62% is something unexpected. Hahaha. B- wei! And I didn't have time to study PA at all, was totally clueless about the essay based on the graph.

On top of that, I messed up one essay that I was aiming to score in, I couldn't find the appropriate words for 2 of my main points(eh I've not written a BM essay in 11 months ok, not since SPM), and got only 11/25 for it.

However, I got a 43/60 for... the part that is based on the textbook! LOL. The Kenegaraan part. I answered them all based on the little knowledge I have about our country. And got 43/60! Unexpected. I was aiming for 20+. I'm worried that if I do study for it I'll do badly next time. I don't mind a 43 at all. Haha.

Okay, so I messed up an essay and got 0/15 for the graph part(now I know how to draw them ok, just learnt today).. but managed to get 62%.

Well, I admit it's exceptionally low, but seeing I was expecting a borderline pass, I'm happy. Haha.

Will be waiting for Econs.. I managed to cover half the syllabus... curious to see what sorta marks I'll be getting. Hehe.

Was asked if I'd mind being the asst. camp comm. next year.. it'll be a lot of work, I was secretary last year and even then I did quite a bit of work. The camp comms. are the ones who do the real work load...

But then, I want to be serve in CF again, and what better way.. than this?

I remember staying up till 3am, 4am last year doing paperwork. I think it'll be tougher being the asst. camp comm..

On top of that, my school isn't allowing us to drop Business or Econs. And I need History and English Lit. to enter the Arts faculty of some unis.

So, YES. Unless I decide to transfer out of my school, I've no choice but to take 5 subjects.

Me: Teacher, it isn't fair that the school is forcing us to take subjects we don't want!
Teacher: Nevermindlah, you just focus on 4 subjects. They only count the top 4.
Me: After all nice results except one fail then how!
Teacher: *Exasperated face*

Yep, I've got a whole lot of workload to do.

But you know what? I feel good about it all. :-)

Thanks God!

What does growing up mean?

Ever wondered what growing up means?

Not in the physical sense.

I don't know. What does growing up mean? Perhaps...

To realise one day that life is no longer a nice bed of thornless roses?

If that's growing up then I grew up many many years ago. More than 10 years ago, to be precise.

To realise that people whom have sheltered you all your life may not always be there to help you find a footing in this world?

If that's growing up then I grew up pretty suddenly a few weeks back.

To realise that you can never ever create a perfect life for yourself?

Realised this ages ago.

To realise that eventually, people all work to get money to survive, and throw away ideals about the perfect job?

Threw away the notion of a perfect job long ago.

To realise that no matter how much one tries to win the game of life, there will never be a winner?

Is life even a game? A deadly one, perhaps.

To realise that death can snare anyone at anytime, irregardless of age, sex, social status, behaviour?

I have no problem with death. I fear living more than death.

To have our idealistic ideas about life completely, absolutely shattered, without even the slightest dignity of prevarications?

Tell me about it.

To realise that we ought to cherish our loved ones at all times before death tears them away from us with its vicious claws?

Talk about regret. :-(

There is no limit to growing up. People grow up at different paces, and growing up earlier/later than the rest is of no advantage/disadvantage. It is how we cope with growing up.

If those few statements I made define growing up, then I wish I never grew up. I wish I can throw away this cynical outlook I have of life. I wish I can throw away the burdens that come with growing up. I wish...

What I've really understood though, is that we are never, ever, ever done with growing up.

And that no matter how grown up we ever feel, we eventually find ourselves completely naked before God.

To run into the loving embrace of God is a remarkable thing. When I find Him pushing me towards something I don't want to do I usually desist from heading towards it and opt to run away. But always, always I find myself being tugged back to Him. My greatest fear is that I should someday give up running the race, and join in the world.

And it is during times like these that I realise I am but a child of God, and to rely on my own wisdom and strength would be the height of folly.

I am yours, Lord.

Oh, in conclusion to IPDA

Well, not yet a conclusion, still have to wait for approval from the Ministry Of Education (MOE).

But anyway, few days back I received a letter, IPDA forwarded a copy of what they sent to MOE for my 'quitting'.

It was just a letter that they typed, addressed to the Director of Bahagian Pendidikan Guru(BPG). And they included my original letter that I addressed to the Director of IPDA the same day I told IPDA I wanna quit my course. And a copy of my details, IC number etc etc.

The Hal Ehwal Pelajar(HEP) man who called up practically did that just to scold. No other reason, because I hadn't sent in any additional documents yet, but the letter from them arrived. In other words, no further paperwork was required from me, he just called up to scold me. Or my mum, in this case.

Never mind, it's a step closer to leaving IPDA permanently.

And btw, I never did go for the workshop. =P

God bless,
Jo

Been out so much I need to be home more

I really don't know why, I've just been going out. I really can't help it. It's like I'm constantly out, by myself, with friends, for badminton, for this, for that...

Some days I don't even see my parents till I reach home at night. *What a useless daughter*

But it's good also lah, they don't have to worry about me, they just worry about themselves, considering I find my own meals outside.

Lol, actually the one thing that seems to bring me close to home are guitar classes(nearby home), after that I usually go home. Hehe. I usually leave my guitar books in the car and go straight for class after I'm done going out.

I was SUPPOSED to train today. Lol, I was wondering how I'll survive on my busted knee but the dilemma was taken out of my hands. Why? At 10.55am, when I'm nicely driving into the badminton hall area, my coach calls me and tells me training is canceled. Training is at 11am. And badminton is about the only thing I'm ever early for. *Sigh*

Just remembered.. I'm supposed to go for a MELTA English Literature Workshop today at 2pm. I registered last week, then canceled it because I thought I have something up.. Now I realised I may be free... Debating if I should go.

I don't very much fancy the idea of going alone by LRT to KL and trying to find the place.

But I get this guilt feeling that I should care more about STPM and English Literature, I'm already months behind.

It'll be lame if I call up and register myself again after registering and deregistering myself before this.

And yet I should go for the sake of STPM.

But I don't want to go.

But I feel it's my responsibility to go.

Geez now I sound like Gollum from Lord of the Rings.

To go or not to go.. that is the question. My guilty conscience is nagging me to go! But but but... I don't want to go. =(

LOL this is pathetic.

I think I won't go. Reason(not EXCUSE ok, it's a valid REASON): I don't want to get lost in the middle of KL. Not safe nowadays. STPM may be important but I must protect my life first. Yes that's the best solution.

So why do I feel guilty?

It's no wonder they always say you can lie to everyone but yourself.

*Off to find myself something to do so that I don't feel guilty about it*

Oh maybe I should just go.

But but but..

I'll go next year lah. Going this year also useless, I'll know nuts about the stuff I'm supposed to read.

Crap I still feel guilty.

Irony

Isn't it ironical? I had an extremely tough training session(badminton lah what else) last Saturday and only suffered a few body aches(haven't trained in such a long time la!) after that, zero injuries.

Then yesterday I went for guitar class and after I came home I had this queer pain behind my left knee, especially when stretched. >>>>>?????!!!!!!!

I mean, all I did was sit down for an hour and play the guitar!

I suspect I tore my hamstring muscle, and maybe my cartilage too. But.. DURING GUITAR CLASS? Next thing I'll be suffering leg cramps when playing the piano.

This is-*speechless*

Already my left knee is slightly double-jointed, now I'll have to treat it like a normal, 'single-jointed' knee. Haha.

I don't care, I'm going for training this Saturday. This leg had better heal by then.

*Yeah I'm a stubborn pig, can't deny that fact.*

=) By the way, God is really working. =)

God bless,
Jo

=)!

I just realised, I'm no longer on a government scholarship, I'm free to join any activity I want! Especially events organised by certain parties! Hehe. I wanted to join a blood-donation campaign before but was hindered by the reminder that I'm a government scholar. No, I'm not being paranoid, I know what happens to some of those who 'support' the "wrong" side. No more! Freeeee! =P

Oh, apart from that, I think I can pass Pengajian Am today. Even if I fail, it'll probably be quite close to a pass. What has my life degraded to, till just the mere thought of PASSING makes me happy? But seriously, not bad wei, I don't know two hoots about PA and I think I can pass it! Hahaha. I'll probably get 0 for the format part in Paper 2, but my essays should be able to help me a bit. That's why I don't like formats. So rigid. =(

Haha.

Oh well. I'm skipping Business Studies tomorrow. I don't wanna fail it. =P This time it's a case of better absent than fail.

God bless,
Jo

Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron

I couldn't concentrate on my books last night and the entire day today. 2 days back I watched 'Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron'. I just felt the urge to watch it, and so I did.

The way Spirit refused to be broken despite all the torture and abuse it faced was astounding. The point when its legs shivered due to hunger and fatigue kinda reminded me of physical training during badminton (especially for today's training, haha!). And yet its determination not to be broken made me think, Wowee this horse has SPIRIT!

Then again, that was just a movie, a Disney one, with happy endings. How much can one go through in life without ending up broken, shattered into a million pieces at times? We can only find out...

I don't know why, but I get this feeling that life is going to change, for me. I don't know how distant, but I know the change involves me and me alone. Values? Attitude? I don't know. Oh, I'm definitely changing all right. I mean, I'm going to fail my paper tomorrow, but it doesn't bother me one tiny bit. Then I'm skipping 2 papers during this finals because I prefer a TH(Tidak hadir) compared to 1, 2 marks. Haha. But these are just trivial things. I keep feeling that I'll change in a drastic way. But I don't know what!

Anyway, it's really surprising how caustic some human beings can be during times like these. Seriously. Some people have been so wonderfully good and caring, and some have just inflicted pain and hurt.

It's so easy to put up a mask before man. But before God one feels so so vulnerable, without any mask to put up. I can't pretend that life is all fine and dandy before God, and it bothers me. For once my smiles can't seem to protect me, I'm left stripped of everything and just feeling plain vulnerable.

It's astonishing how some people believe that we should just allow death to come. Next time you get in a major road accident just lie on the road and wait to die lah, what for go to the hospital? Yeah, like I said, it's unbelievable how people can inflict hurt even during times like these.

It's very very easy to give up. Seriously. I rarely try it, but once you give up life becomes ever so easy. For instance, I gave up on passing my paper for tomorrow. Hence I spent my entire weekend going out, playing the piano, the guitar, watching the TV. The harder the fight, the easier to give up. But no, I will not give up. Not in the deeper sense.

If I ever gave up my faith I'll be rollicking through life right now, joining in secular pleasure. Seeing many badminton players do that, it's so easy just to join them. Don't even talk about badminton players, just look at my schoolmates and how some of them seem to live for pleasure and pleasure alone.

But never! Hebrews 12:1-4 says:

1Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.

2Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

3Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

4In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood.

The more I think of my future, the more I'm beginning to detest the idea of working to get money. I want to work with others, to help others, but I cannot feed myself by doing that. I still need money, which comes from a job! Gah. I'll leave this part to God though. After all, if he feeds the birds of the air, how much more need I worry?

Random post, have a nice day. =)

God bless,
Jo

IPDA-NEVER GOING BACK. NEVER.

I reached home today after school, and noticed a missed call on my handphone. It was a Kedah number, so I thought IPDA called me. Later on I asked my mom if IPDA called her. They did. You know what they did?

I don't know what to say. Tears of anger and frustration was my reaction. This man is ruthless, heartless, bestial, whatever similar words you can find. He shouted at my mom! Started threatening her, saying that I was trying to escape, saying that my letters were all a bluff (who would lie about cancer? I'm making my dad have cancer in a letter just to escape??), I just wanted to escape IPDA, I broke my contract, I now have to pay back RM 110k, demanding about my priorities, etc etc etc.

Besides, what is wrong if I just want to leave IPDA? I've been contemplating it ever since day one. They ought to ask themselves why, not victimize the already downtrodden(students). Even if dad didn't have cancer, if I had seen the true character of this man, I would have left. Come what hell he may give me. I am who I am, I will NOT be shouted at by a power-crazy man created to torture students. I've never taken well to the mad power exercised by PBSM commanders during camps, I'm taking this very very much worse. PBSM camp commanders are trivial compared to this man.

I don't know what to say to this. What is this man? Is a heart such a rare thing to possess nowadays? He's ruined the good name of IPDA in my eyes. Whatever good they may have possessed in my eyes is gone. Finished. Stripped away forever. Degraded to a place where they imprison unhappy souls ruled by tyrants. No, I will not say I exaggerate. Nor are they metaphors, these words I use. To have such a husband, dad, or son would be a terrifying thing to me. Animals lack compassion(even then, some good pet dogs can show compassion), but not human beings. That is why we human beings are different. What went wrong, what hardened this man until he has to torment others who are already suffering?

My mom did not stoop to his level. She tried to explain what the Bahagian Pendidikan Guru(BPG) said to her etc. He refused to listen, so she just patiently endured his abuse(I salute her, I would have hung up) until he realised that hey, this lady isn't shouting back at me. Then she explained the situation to him, what we are going to do, and politely requested for further details on what paperwork needs to be done. That was the original plan, IPDA was supposed to inform me about the further paperwork needed, what they will post to me. Only at the end he quietly asked if I was the only child left at home.

The BPG lady was right. She said, "If you don't trust IPDA to forward the letter to BPG, make another copy and send it to the BPG yourself." Perhaps they too know about the state of things in IPs, or perhaps IPDA?

It's one thing to shout at a student. It's a completely different thing to shout at a parent, what more a fellow senior teacher! Perhaps even more senior than him. I'm boiling mad at him. How much more does my mom need to go through?? We're fighting for a life here! We don't need to be bogged down by such trivial things that should be settled amicably.

If I ever felt any pang, any tinge of regret for leaving IPDA, it's all gone. I'm glad I'm home, and I'm here to stay. I'm going to pull through form 6, and will never step a foot into IPDA again. Or any other Institut Perguruan (IP) for that matter. One rotten egg spoils 20 fresh ones (in this case, 26 others).

On the other hand, my school teachers have been nothing less than caring. I have school teachers taking time to talk to me personally to ensure things are all right, that I'm feeling okay, how I'm coping with form 6, offering me extra help. THIS was where my love for teaching was rooted. Notice the word, 'was'. Some people asked me if I would consider teaching again after form 6. Few months back, I would have given an immediate 'yes'. However, as I told those who asked me... "I'm not sure anymore. I'm afraid of the teaching profession now, after IPDA."

I suppose some people think I lack mettle, some people think, "How bad can IPDA be?" I don't know how to describe it to you, my friends. It's easy and comfortable to get through life without opening your eyes to what truly goes on, but I chose to open my eyes to everything. I hated what I saw, but I'm glad I decided what I did after I saw what others refused to see.

To fellow IPDA students, hang in there! Or else leave. As BPG said, it's not IPDA that picks the students. So by right, IPDA cannot stop us from leaving. They may shout at us all they want, but if they watch their students slowly trickle away, they'll realise something is wrong. Whether they choose to change or not, I'm not staying around to see.

On a side note, today my Econs teacher told my class, "No one can get lower than Joanne for finals!" Talk about... lack of pressure. HAHAHA. I take it as a challenge though. My finals are next week. =P

Take care, God bless,
Jo

I want...

.. to lead a nice, comfy, sheltered life. Where death is nothing but a thing that happens to others, not to people I know and love. Where killer diseases and accidents and calamities and disorders and.. and and... everything bad is just something I hear on the news, I see on the TV, I read in the newspapers. Where my life is like living under this nice shady umbrella that protects me although things are crashing all around me.

Is that too much to ask for????

Apparently so.

I've been going out a lot, playing badminton, sitting in front of the laptop only late at night after I'm done going out the past few days. To forget about life's problems? I don't know. Possibly, my subconscious mind is attempting to distract me from everything.

However.. today in the cinema.. I could scarcely concentrate on the movie.. I suddenly kept thinking of everything from the past two weeks. It's as if my mind and heart have finally been steeled to accept the inevitable.

When people ask me how I am (it seems to be the standard question these days), I usually answer.. 'tired'. Emotionally, physically, mentally, perhaps even spiritually, I am tired. Exhausted, to be precise.

It's great to know that God is in control, especially during times like these. =)

I'm home. FOR GOOD! =D

Well, 'for good' as in, I never have to return to IPDA again. Can you BELIEVE THAT???? Well actually they can attempt to force me back but I won't go back. Haha. Yeah I know, the Joanne you know will never do that. Well, I can say IPDA did that to me. Hardened me, somewhat. I suppose I learned a lot and hardened quite a bit living in Jitra. *sigh*

Anyway, yesterday a few cousins and aunt went up to Jitra to get my car down. Stayed overnight, and came down today. I drove all the way from Kedah to PJ in my lil' Kenari! Haha. Am I proud of that feat! =P 11.30am we left, arrived at 5.45pm. Hehehe. Considering the erratic weather on the way back (and a couple of breaks in between), I think we made it in pretty good time.

Don't la laugh at me.. my license only 7 months old ok... hahaha. And I reached PJ in one piece. =D

Form 6 starting next Monday.

It's so so so interesting to see what God has in plan for me next(aside from making me grow up another few years in a span of a few days, I mean).

I've been playing with a thought of what to do in the future lately.. just building castles in the air, but nonetheless, that's how all great things began, no?

Well, till the next time,
God bless,
Jo

P.S. What I need for now is some semblance to normality. Things aren't normal, I know, but some semblance of normality would do wonders to my exhausted self.

I'm HOME! =)

Home is where some people lie around and get fat. =)

Well, anyway, I'm home. Feels wonderful to know that it's for good, this time.

My classmates gave me a really touching farewell today, some of them even cried. So so so sweet of them! I felt pangs of regret that I was leaving them at that point, seeing how genuinely sad all of them were. Really, I mean, I'm not that fantastic a person, all my life I've never expected to evoke such emotions from other people. Today(yesterday, rather, it's 2.07am now) was a first.

Then in the midst of it all, a sms came, informing that dad was about to start his treatment, and to be strong. That was when all feelings of regret vanished, as after that sms I knew where I needed to be.

Will need to be in the hospital tomorrow.. even if I can't do anything physically, my presence there will help. =) That ward is grim and depressing.. but.. thinking of dad lying there alone right now.. Yes, I know where I'm needed. No matter what others think, I'm following my heart this time.

Too tired to blog now,

Would love to thank all who encouraged me all this while, and if any of my coursemates read my blog, thanks for making my stay in IPDA bearable. =) Although frankly speaking, I don't want to know if any of my coursemates read my blog. I'll feel rather restrained then..

God bless,
Jo

Good day =)

Well, I supposed I exaggerated the IPDA giving me hell part yesterday. I was blogging at my lowest, most tired state you see..

Anyway, today things went much better. The lecturers must have been talking about me because today somehow they were much nicer. "I heard you're a good student.. what a waste.." and I'm thinking, 'How can they possibly judge that I'm a good student in such a short period of time??'

Anyway, the surprising thing is I'll miss the 2 most 'unimportant' subject lecturers.. ICT and Recreational Sports(RS). Haha. They are both guys, fatherly sorta-guys, perhaps that's why I'll miss them. I don't know, why else? Lol! They in turn seemed genuinely upset/sad when they heard I was leaving. My ICT lecturer asked to see me 'for a minute' when he heard from my classmates. Then asked me the usual stuff, and said he hoped to see me around somewhere someday.. haha. Whatever that means. And my RS lecturer expressed shock, then wished me all the best, shook my hand. Then he found out I'm entering form 6, the arts stream, and gave me some notes on Pengajian Perniagaan. Hehehe. That's cool of him, isn't it? =)

Anyway, things aren't THAT settled yet, I'll hand in my letter to apply for leave this Sunday(coming up to collect car) as the office is still open. Whether they approve the leave or not is another story.. that frankly speaking, I'm not staying around to see.

And yet another phase, albeit short phase of life coming to an end. hehehe. I'll miss some things, some people, but am happy that I'm returning for form 6. =) Form 6 ain't easy I know, but the thought of being home.. especially at times like these.. some people think my decision to leave is rash, and very very short-termed. They think I'm not looking at the bigger picture, my future.

What did I realise yesterday?

I'm no longer going to plan so far ahead anymore. In form 3-5, I lived my life such that I thought I could control my future by planning everything meticulously. Study hard, play badminton, join many clubs, get many posts, represent school in all I can, etc etc etc. All in hopes of securing a scholarship.

I secured 2 scholarships. Law, something I'm not even considering now, but applied just for the sake of applying. And this TESL course, the course I thought would be a dream come true if I had gotten it. And I did, I came to IPDA with such high hopes and expectations. Needless to say, my expectations and hopes were shattered pretty quickly, but I stuck on, telling myself to look far into the future.. to become a teacher, and not to quit because of the environment. Well.. as circumstances would have it.. as CP said, although she thinks what I'm doing is rather short-termed, she knows it wouldn't be me if I stayed away from home at this time.

What my cousins told me(they lost their dad).. 'Education can be done anytime. But you only have 1 father.' How true, isn't it? I'm only 17. Do I want to stubbornly stay on in Kedah? No, definitely not. People say that my future doesn't tie-in with my dad. But who gave me hope for my future? Who brought me up? Are you saying that because dad has done his part, dad has brought me up well, I'm now to cut all ties with him because he will influence my future otherwise? I know my parents too don't want to 'affect my future', so to speak. But we both know that they will be much much happier with me at home. I watch them going back to and fro the hospital, and my heart told me that I can't leave them home alone. Especially mom, who has been going on some kinda super human strength during this trying period. Last I heard, I've now been included in the 'take care of dad' agenda. =)

Anyway, yes, I found myself again planning my whole future for after STPM. And remembered what someone told me when I said I stay on in IPDA only because I am assured of a job: "Excuse me, you've forgotten who you have up there! What insecurity are you talking about!" I'm sorry, it's a bad habit. I just like to plan very far into the future. That's why.. I can't do that now. I don't know what is going to happen tomorrow, how much more can I plan my future in years to come??

Before this I've always been able to control my life. I know if I study hard, do well in koko, I'll probably get a scholarship. I know if I prepare well for an interview and impress the interviewers, I would probably be able to get scholarships easily.

But in dad's case, there is nothing to do but pray. Seriously, there is NOTHING I can do besides pray. I can scream, cry, attempt to find the best oncologist in the world, but healing is in God's hands. I feel so so so helpless at times. But I realised.. that's the way I should always have lived life. Leave it all in God's hands, realising that no matter how hard I try, God can turn my whole life around anytime He wills. Of course, I still have my part to play, but I must always bear in mind that there is nothing predictable in life.

You know how people wake up from nightmares? I feel like I wake up INTO a nightmare lately, and sleep is a way of escaping from this nightmare.

That was in the beginning. Now I'm feeling much better, and do not dread waking up anymore, and sinking feeling in my stomach seems to be gone lately. However, I know things will get tougher after I reach home, when treatment starts.

Nevertheless... God is good. =) If the Lord is for me, then who can be against me?

Well, I'm leaving. Whether they let me or not.

Called up Bahagian Pendidikan Guru(BPG), Ministry of Education(MOE) yesterday. Rather, I asked mom to call, you know lah these adults, won't entertain students very well. Anyway, they gave us the procedures on how to quit this course. Which they seemed really uncertain. Do so few trainee teachers quit teaching colleges?? Looking at IPDA I'm surprised I seem to be the pioneer. Lol. Yeah, seriously. IPDA's people were like, "Apa prosedur lagi??" (What's the next procedure??). Hahaha.

Good thing I started from the top. I knew that if I started from IPDA, I would encounter a lot of delay and obstacles. Once IPDA knew I had already asked BPG they couldn't say much. *Hint, to all who want to quit IPDA, go through BPG first*

People were in shocked though when I told them I'm quitting this course. I know many many many people are unhappy in IPDA, I can honestly say I've never seen so many unhappy students putting themselves through such torture in a single learning institute before. Except maybe in prison..

So many of my coursemates always sigh and regret coming here. For me, before this, I disliked the place, the environment, the stifling rules, but I stuck on.. as I blogged before, because of this course. Because I enjoyed the course, and because I want to become a teacher. I have always told my coursemates, if you don't want to become a teacher, why stay on in this course?

Thankfully, my aim has never been Portsmouth (blogged that before too). Otherwise I would have a harder time letting go of this course.

Anyway, I talked to my teacher, she told me about university life.. and the lines that struck me were, "These next few years should be the best years of your life." How very true. The transition between teenage years to adulthood should be great because basically we get to enjoy the best of both worlds.

But lately, even before dad's case, I've been finding myself.. stifled. I find myself yearning for more challenges. Must be why I seem to impress my literature lecturer so much. With the brain disallowed to explore and expand all my energy has been concentrated on literature. Haha. So all I do is interpret all my literature texts to my utmost satisfaction. I tell you ah, if I had this kinda brain power for SPM Eng. Lit. last year I would have been one heck of a literature student. Hahaha! I long for deeper discussions.. I don't know exactly what I found myself yearning for, but it's for something more challenging I suppose.

And no, I mean real brain challenges. Not challenges to race against the deadline to finish assignments. Out of 4 assignments so far, 3 of them have suddenly been 're-briefed' by our lecturers at the very last minute. Meaning when many of us have finished our assignments and are ready to hand in our drafts, our lecturers suddenly realise the folly of their earlier briefing and decide to brief us ALLL OVER AGAIN. In other words, we have to change our entire assignment to their new format etc. Oh, not to mention that when some students have stayed up the entire night trying to meet the deadline due to this 'awesome' last-minute system,they suddenly decide to extend the dateline. It's no good for nerves, I tell you.

And the sole assignment that didn't require a re-briefing? The lecturers didn't give two hoots about it, that's why. And even that wasn't 'disaster-free', so to speak. Our question paper never did state the time to hand in (normally the question states hand in by (date), 12 noon, or 4pm). So we assumed that this meant it would be 4pm. Guess what? At 11.55am the lecturer informs us that those who hand in after 12noon would have their marks deducted. We had people running all the way from the library to hand in their assignments. Even then I don't know how many were late. But were we really late, or just another reflection of sheer incompetence on the lecturers' part?

Early in our semester they(lecturers) promised that we could find them anytime for problems in assignments, we could hand in our drafts to any of them, they would check etc etc etc. All lies, I tell you. Yeah, seriously. I've never found myself so broken over these blatant forgotten promises/assurances. When we students ask lecturers to check our drafts, the lecturers tell us that they are too busy, or tell us to find our own lecturer(even though our lecturer isn't around), or just skim through the entire draft without reading, just checking that we have all our parts a, b, c, etc inside, or better still, "May I have the question, please?"

It's frustrating. None of my drafts have ever been checked, and honestly speaking even if I had decided to continue in this course I won't hand in my drafts anymore.

I'm glad I'm leaving this course. Seriously. I thought I would get used to it, and life seemed to be going uphill for a few days or so. Then the lecturers start their last minute re-briefings again. I don't know how much more we can take, it's not that we are last minute, we are doing DOUBLE the workload! We finish our assignments, and find out it's all wrong. In our lecturers' eyes, anyway. And we are given limited time to redo the entire assignment. I really don't know what that is called.. if I've to go through this the entire 2 years... it's as if we do our assignments and just wait to be told that we are all wrong, and have to redo entire assignments. They are ever so fearful of 'Portsmouth people coming to check.' My question is, "Who's paying who? Portsmouth is paying Malaysia??" If the lecturers deem themselves good enough to be English lecturers and examiners, why do they fear these 'Portsmouth people' so much??

Sorry lah just a lil' frustrated cause today was another 're-briefing' day. And more 'Portsmouth people coming to check' lines.

IPDA still trying to give me trouble though over leaving. They want me to return after Raya. I told them no, I have to start form 6. And I do not intend to come back and sit around like these few days when I know I'm leaving anyway. If they want to force me back after Raya, I'll just.. not go. It's so simple. They can kick me out then, whichever requires less paperwork. The BPG makes is so so so simple to get out. IPDA is practically giving me hell about it. Okay, not that much, because I emphasised many many many times, that BPG said I can leave before paperwork is done, as long as IPDA gives me the green light. Unfortunately, IPDA doesn't want to give me the green light. They said they must get the approval from BPG first. Which the BPG people specifically said will take time, and I can leave as long as IPDA approves. Haiz, IPDA IPDA, why do you enjoy tormenting students such?

I tell you, if not for dad's case I'll be going through the deepest level of hell IPDA could possibly think of right now. Even with his case I'm given such a hard time over it. Drained emotionally and physically lately, this added stress from them just piles it all on.

But it's been going pretty smoothly lah, better than I expected. For one I've not been sent to see the Pengarah/Timbalan Pengarah.. yet.

Oh well. God is in control. =)

.......

So.. dad has cancer. Past few days have been really tough and trying.

Plus more than ever I don't want to stay in my course. Don't get me wrong, that isn't the only factor, but it's one of the factors.

Right now my sole aim is to study, get a degree, graduate, and start working. Forget illusions about dreams for a perfect lifelong career(is there such a thing anyway, a perfect career?).

Will have a discussion with a teacher later on regarding this.

I just hope I don't encounter too many obstacles on the way.

Like dad says, God is in control. =)

Honestly speaking, I'll be overjoyed if I can restore my life back in PJ.

It was a.. Break day.

Make or break.. well, it ended up break.

However, thanks to those who showed me support all the way. :-) Your messages, prayers and even visit (thanks Melody) have really encouraged me.

I now have to decide over several decisions. Tough ones. So.. I'm not deciding them. I'll pray over all these issues, and where God wills, I will go.

I was reminded of so many things today, whether these verses surfaced from memory, or given by friends.

Jesus being strengthened by the angel when he cried to God:

Luke 22:41-44
41 And He was withdrawn from them about a stone’s throw, and He knelt down and prayed, 42 saying, “Father, if it is Your will, take this cup away from Me; nevertheless not My will, but Yours, be done.” 43 Then an angel appeared to Him from heaven, strengthening Him. 44 And being in agony, He prayed more earnestly. Then His sweat became like great drops of blood falling down to the ground.


When in distress:

Psalm 4:1
1 Hear me when I call, O God of my righteousness!
You have relieved me in my distress;
Have mercy on me, and hear my prayer.


To have peace:

John 14:27
27 Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.


To quit being anxious:

Philippians 4:6
6 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God.

And Genesis 22... Where Abraham was asked by God to sacrifice his one and only son.. and he nearly did, until God stopped him.

How much am I willing to give up?

Most importantly, WHAT is God's will for me now?

Everything seems so temporal and earthly I've no qualms about giving up things now anyway. But I want to seek God's will.

Thank God for my parents' faith though. In the midst of this tribulation their faith seems stronger than ever before. They are both worried about my bro and I, we in turn are both worried about them.

Well, for now I've got to turn God in prayer.. If there is any time I feel He is real and right beside me, it is now. I can't believe I used to worry over trivial matters.

Whoever said life was easy???

And doing assignments is the last thing on my mind now. Yet that is what I have to do.. mostly just doing blind reading, trying to write a half-decent essay.

Just remembered I have to study for a quiz too. Yet another drawback in IPDA is the fact that I can't just skip class if I really don't feel up to it. Today I just sat through class, in a hazy, dazed way, wondering about the results. When I found out the results, it was as if.. it was expected, but.. reality struck, hard.

I'm wondering how I'll get through class tomorrow. And the day after. For the remaining of this semester, actually. If this were a normal college/form 6 I'll take a break from it already. Unfortunately, it isn't. With assignment deadlines to meet, quizzes, and the 'no skipping class' rule, I've got to drag this wretched body through it all. I wonder if time really heals all wounds? I doubt so.

Yet again I'm forgetting to commit it to God.

Lord, speak to me.

And I'm fine, really, to all who are wondering. As good as I can get. After all, this isn't about me.

God bless,
Jo

Tomorrow is the make or break day.

Whichever it is..

Lord, grant us all peace and comfort.

Tomorrow decides everything...

All I can do is cry to You, that You will reveal Yourself in Your mysterious way..

Thanks for being such a comfort, Lord. Especially today, when I despaired.

Tag...

Jan tagged me. On purpose! Would ya believe that???

Hmmph. Anyway, here goes..

If your lover betrayed you, what will your reaction be?
Based on experience books, the betrayed lover usually commits suicide throws a tantrum or weeps. So.. I suppose my reaction may emulate that?

If you can have a dream to come true, what would it be?
To play badminton for Malaysia. The experience of that would be awesome! =D You did ask for a dream, no?

What will your dream wedding to be like?
Where I don't trip over my wedding gown or sprain my ankles due to my high heels.

On your wedding day, what you would like to see?
All my family and friends there for me. :-)

Are you confused as to what lies ahead of you?
For the moment, nope. In 5-6 years time, yes. However, am leaving it to God.

What's your ideal lover like?
I dunno..?

Which is more blessed? Loving someone or being loved by someone?
Loving someone. But I must say being loved feels nicer. But the politically-correct answer is to say loving someone. =P

How long do you intend to wait for someone you really love?
Do I have a choice?

If the person you secretly like is already attached, what would you do?
We'll cross the bridge when we come to it.

Is there anything that has made you unhappy these days?
Growing up.

How do you see yourself in 10 years time?
Good question.

Who are currently the most important people to you?
Family and friends.

Would you rather be rich and single or married but poor?
Define how rich, and how poor, and WHO I'll be married to.

What's the first thing you do every morning?
Groan because I've got to leave my lovely bed.

Would you give all in a relationship?
What kinda relationship?

If you fall in love with 2 people simultaneously, who would you pick?
The one I love more. HAHAHA. Oh wait, the one who loves me more. =P

What type of friends do you like?
Quoting Jan, "Nice people... =)"


What type of friends do you dislike?
I wouldn't like to dislike my friends...

Are you a virgin?
Tell you for what?

Have you ever lied to your parents?
Hmmm...

What did you lie about?
Hmmmmmmm...

Currently, are you having any crush on anyone?
AFAIK, nope.

Hint about him/her?
I just said nope!

Do you think the guy/girl knows?
I JUST SAID NOPE!

What phrases do you usually say when something unexpected happens?
HUH YOU SERIOUS ONE ARH HOW COME I DUNNO HOW YOU KNOW?!

What annoys you the most?
Lizards.

What is your current obsession?
Trying to get some exercise here in Jitra.

Who do you short text the most these days?
Too many. Distance makes your heart grow fonder. =P

Who do you miss alot now?
A lot of people.

Which secondary school friend you miss alot?
Many many many.

Who do you idolise now?
No one.

Biggest fear?
That I drop out of The Race.

Favorite hang out place?
Anywhere with friends or family.

Made any new friends recently?
Any? LOL. I just landed myself in a whole new planet! The appropriate word would be MANY.

What kind of mood are you in most of the time?
Before I came to Kedah, pretty cheerful all the time. First few weeks in Kedah, I swung between many moods. Recently it's gone back to cheerful.. most of the time. Haha.

If you were to go out with any group of friends, who will you choose?
Why must I choose? I've got plenty of time to go out with whomever I wish.

Do you like the person who tagged you?
Hahaha. Do I like you, Jan? =P

I tag:
I'm not that mean. =)

K, enjoy your weekends!

To Jan and CP, enjoy your holidays. Mine's over. =( Haha. For now.