Do not ever...

Drink 2 big cups of chinese tea late at night. I felt sleepy but couldn't sleep until about 5.30am! And I promised to fetch 2 friends to church too, so I couldn't very well wake up late..! Because of that all my plans for today tergendala (what's a suitable english word for this??)..

Was supposed to attend yet another funeral today.. a guy whom I barely knew, his dad passed away. But since I do know him a bit I felt I should go.. but just couldn't wake up.. went home to sleep right after church and was a dead log 4+pm. Woke up with a growling stomach.

I'm supposed to go to climb Gasing hill at 5.30pm today.. but body just doesn't feel up to it, am afraid my heart stops beating halfway due to lack of sleep. =P (Well technically I caught up on my sleep, slept 3+ hours, but.. excuses. hehe.)

At least 4 people in church asked me how my trip back to Malacca was.. because I didn't show up for all the weekday events in church the whole of last week, maybe? And I also mentioned about wanting to go back to Malacca before.. haha. To set the record straight, I've not been back to Malacca, wanted to but this this and that that popped up.. so.. I've been in my beloved PJ all this while. :)

FWP is next week, will stop by Malacca for a day before heading down to Kluang though. :) I have no idea how I'll find my way to Kluang and around Kluang.. with 3 passengers who will be equally as lost as I am.. but we'll cover that journey with prayer! :)

After all the excessively rich and unhealthy food the past week, I've got to start cutting down.. starting today. And I've got to start exercising.. thought I'll get to play more badminton in UM, but sessions there have been few and far between.

Did I mention that I managed to get the JPA scholarship? Guess they forgot that I had so rudely turned them down without so much as a letter after SPM. Hehehe. Wanna buy... a new acoustic guitar with plug in! =P Actually wanted to buy a new phone too, but I'll have to compromise the quality/price of my guitar then.. so I'll prioritise my guitar over a phone that'll spoil soon enough anyway. My current phone was bought by my parents after SPM results.. they were high after their dearest daughter-who-played-badminton-non-stop-even-during-SPM managed to do so well. ;-) I'll keep it for now la.. giving some problems but only occasionally..

Anyway, this Raya hols is way too packed.. my next hols I'm gonna just relax.. go somewhere relaxing.. next hols no more assignments, we're given THREE freakin weeks to study -_- so.. hahaha. Who needs 3 weeks to study for so few papers in your first sem?? Will holiday a bit lor. =D I feel like going somewhere... islandy. Enough of shopping malls and shopping and mmm just plain man-made stuff. I need a break..! Reminiscing the awesome Pangkor trip I had with my coach and some locals + Australians for a badminton training camp.. I love beaches! =) Clean ones.. and rivers! Clean ones.. island trip, anyone? Yan yan.. if you still read my blog... let's go! =D

(Can't believe I'm already planning for my next holidays! This hol also not yet finish..)

Have a blessed day :-)
Jo

By the way, I have realised that a great deal of Manglish has lately crept into my blog posts. I'm not entirely sure why, but I suspect it could be due to the fact that I have to use proper Engrish in all my assignments and when speaking to lecturers, so this blog is a rant for the Manglish side. Makes sense, no? :-)

Exactly 1 week more of holidays... -_-

Only done 1 assignment so far! :-(

Had an aweesooome time with old church friends today. At least, us young people did. The older ones had a therapeutic session discussing the wounds that were/still are being inflicted unto them. Hearing some things made that same old frustration in me well up again.. but what can we as men do? Oh well..

They came over for lunch at about 12+/1+, and talked and talked and talked till.. 11+pm! Gila? Originally planned to have a lunch.. then ended up dinner together too. Haha.

But really, it was good. Especially for my mom. :-) Kinda lonely for her these days I think.. me being so busy. *sigh*

Anyway, good fellowship, good food = good day! =)

My cousin just sent me this song.. I'll post the lyrics here:

Framing Hanley - You Stupid Girl


Feels like the walls are closing in on me
I'm suffocating, I can barely breathe
And you've got me right where you want me

This is the side of you I've never seen
You're not the girl that you used to be
And you've got me right where you want me

You always know, how to bring me down
Let's just face it now, I'm never changin'

You are my world, my everything
You stupid girl, you're gonna be the death of me
So let me go, just let me be
You stupid girl, I love the way you're killing me
(killing me)
You stupid girl

You're like an angel but with broken wings
A heart so cold can never show mercy
And you've got me right where you want me

You are my world, my everything
You stupid girl, you're gonna be the death of me
So let me go, just let me be
You stupid girl, I love the way you're killing me
(killing me)
You stupid girl (killing me)
You stupid girl

I know I'm a bastard, I'm not a coward
Why can't you see what you're doin' to me?
I'm falling faster, more every hour
Why can't you see what you're doin' to me?

Open your eyes, open your eyes

This is killing me

You are my world, my everything
You stupid girl, you're gonna be the death of me
So let me go, just let me be
You stupid girl, I love the way you're killing me
(killing me)
You stupid girl (killing me)
You stupid girl

Interesting song? He sent me another song that's just too vulgar for this innocent blog of mine.. Songs that are written these days... I could blog a whole blog about them.

But considering how uninspired and tired I feel right now, I'll not bother.

Oh Oh Oh! I had a ride on Joash's super motorbike today! Lol. It was exhilarating like a roller coaster ride in Genting.. because I knew if I had let go there were no safety harnesses to hold me in place. =P

God bless,
Jo

Happy Raya! (Got such thing??)

Haha. :-) I spent most of today sleeping... slept at 4am, woke up 10am to go for a funeral (yeah.. another funeral... mom's friend's mother.. tis the season for death me thinks), came back home, slept till Ikea man kacau.. cause I bought a new bookshelf! For my many many books =D

If I'm a millionaire next time.. I'll have a whole huge room turned into a library! =)

Haha. Since I'm pretty sure I won't become a millionaire (I've no idea how I'll even earn a decent living) I'll stick to turning a small room into a library.. starting with my bedroom. :-) Recently gave away a lot of my small kid books, books that I grew up with.. mostly all bought from Pay Less books (one of the few places where you can get decent and cheap books).. but kept some of my favourite books. :-) These books I read and reread throughout the years.. in fact, I felt as if it was only yesterday that I had read some of them.. till I saw a label on one of the books.. Joanne Lim 1 K.. lol. Form 1... 7 years ago! I was but a fat and short kid back then.. Now slightly less-fat and maybe 1 or 2 cm taller. Hehe.

I keep turning around to admire the books even as I type this post.. Because I had given away about 1/4 of my books, some of the shelves are empty.. since they look so bare and empty I've no choice but to fill them up again. Right? =P Unfortunately I've pretty much stopped buying a few books at one go because Pay Less books in Atria, then 1 Utama closed down.. Buying 1 book in MPH/Borders would equal to 5-6 good books from Pay Less! Having (unfortunately) learnt Economics as a subject in school, I always decide the price won't fulfill enough utility. Haha. So I end up with way fewer books.. and also because I've hardly spent time the past year reading.. due to this and that, blabla.. But my bare shelves will inspire me! =) I hope.

My yahoo email has been causing problems.. I discovered that it's been sending out spam to others.. well, I used to think it was to myself, but today I checked my spam and saw that so many messages have been bouncing back.. from my own email! I've been sending out spam to everyone on my list... and considering that yahoo was one of my first emails ever, that's a massive lot of people.

Which.. isn't too bad.. until... I realised that even my LECTURERS have been receiving the spam..! :-( Both my IPDA and UM lecturers... oh no. A student has been sending out good deals on Viagra and such to them... there goes my marks....

Any idea how to solve that problem?? Please help...

God bless,
Jo

Arrrgh I feel so dang horribly bad :( I promised to visit an aunty today but totally completely forgot about it. Too many things cluttering my mind. *sigh* Itulah my mind too focused on my stomach! Only remembered about the 20s dinner tonight. Cannot believe I forgot about the visit. I could have forgotten about the dinner but remembered the visit… instead I forgot the visit and remembered the dinner! 5 A student kononnya…

Haih feel so bad :( How do you make it up to an aunty for forgetting an important thing liddat??

Better start writing down all my appointments and plans.. I thought I could trust my brain to remember everything. I think I’ve got something on tomorrow… but can’t recall what. Or maybe I’m just paranoid now. Zzz.

Woke up to the sound of drilling and no electricity. My house has been under renovation for the longest time now because these contractors are so unreliable and show up randomly to do some work. This time they disappeared about 2 weeks and this morning suddenly came back. Cousin’s car got stolen.. good thing we’ve got an extra car, lent it to her. Her brother’s car just got stolen few months back. My family’s car has been stolen before. My Kenari has been broken in before. In fact, most Malaysians would have had some kinda experience with these car thieves. So much for Malaysia’s crime rate going down.

I’m just babbling. Still not happy with my forgetting.

Think I’ll just go and sleep.

Raya Hols!

But it's already PACKED. Before I even BEGAN to enjoy my holidays. Haiyoyo. I feel so utterly stressed. I'm getting even less sleep than during the sem!

Sigh. How lah.

People's favourite question when they see me is, "So.. got bf from UM or not?? *wink wink*"

My answer.. Takde lah. Even if a guy ever wanted me at the rate I'm going I'll have absolutely no time for him. Unless he doesn't mind late night dates.. really late night dates. Like, how I went out for a drink with friends tonight at 12.30am and got back at 2.40am. And how I'll be doing that tomorrow night too. Because I don't have other times. :-(

Mmm, anyway..

I'm dreading the end of these 2 weeks holidays. It'll be a COMPLETE mad rush then. 4 major assignments to complete, not even including the minor assignments yet. I'm representing my college in squash and badminton. I'm in the committee for the debate competition. And I somehow or other got involved as the secretary of the upcoming CF camp.

Nooooooooooooo. :(

Uni is teaching me some very very painful lessons... how to be consistent, and not last minute. I enjoy classes, I just detest the assignments. Haiz. Gone were the days when I played until the final 2 weeks before exams. :(

Off to bed! I'm fine, just tired. :)

God bless,
Jo

Yet another funeral...

How many funerals have I attended this year?? 10? 11? Around there.

Death...

mmm. Decided to skip my lectures yesterday and took the LRT, interchanged to Star LRT, walked to Bukit Jalil bus station, took bus down to Malacca in the morning for my uncle's funeral. I was planning to go after my lectures, but decided, what the heck, just skip lectures and take the morning bus back. Pretty uneventful journey, other than getting harassed by all the ticketing pimps/gangsters/agents, watching a guy being dragged by his collar, blatant corruption in front of everyone, and changing bus halfway at the Ayer Keroh toll (the driver suddenly ordered all those stopping at Malacca to get down and board another bus which he stopped at the toll).. ok, maybe it wasn't such an uneventful trip after all.

At the funeral... politics, as usual. What's new, eh? I'm beginning to think every death results in politics, whether rich or poor, young or old.

Anyway, came back home, logged on my com, and *gasped* all my work. -_- I'm beginning to HATE the internet. If there were no communication no one would be able to pass me work when they don't see me. :(

Off to work.

God bless,
Jo

Living for today

Just a few days ago I realised that I practically live each day for another day (does that make sense?). From Mondays to Thursdays, I look forward to Fridays. On Fridays, I look forward to the start of my weekend. On Sundays, I attempt to step on my emergency brakes to prevent Monday from starting all over again.

The only time I thoroughly live for the present would be weekends. Which practically constitutes only about 30% of the whole week! That means I spend 70% of my week waiting for another day!!

Thing is, I don't have to live like that. I do not dread uni, in fact, I actually LIKE uni. Unlike school days where I just 'existed' in classes, I now LEARN new things in classes and lectures. Classes are really enlightening.

I think it's just a bad habit. Which I have to get rid of. I can't keep living like these for the rest of my life.. that would mean I only really live 30% of my whole life.. ok, a bit more if you wanna include holidays. And that is a scary thought.

I'm off to begin in life with a new perspective! (And yes, your life does change with a change of perspectives.)

Had a disastrous piano lesson today. Haha. I'm debating whether I'm just plain retarded in the piano, or I need to put in more effort. Undoubtedly I put in way more effort on my classical guitar.. but that's because the classical guitar can be played anywhere, anytime. As for the piano..

Must make more effort...

Live for today. ;-)

God bless
Jo

Still trying to find a balance between work and play... I refuse to let work take over my life. These are my final few years as a student!

Have to drive down to Malacca this Monday, uncle passed away. :( I'm already thinking. Lecture finishes at 3, go down to Malacca, come back up Tuesday night. I could have gone back on Friday, but I wanted to spend my weekend working on my assignments. I'm still puzzled as to why they want to have the funeral over a span of so many days, none of us are travelling from too far. Max 4 hours away? As a result most of us can only be at the funeral parlour 3 days or so. Most of the rest will miss the funeral (burial) this Tuesday. I decided I'm going for the burial. Sitting around a few days with a coffin is tiresome and brings back too many memories of the distant and not-so-distant past.

Wednesday I've got an assignment due. So I've got to finish the assignment by tomorrow, because realistically speaking, you can't do work during a funeral. Other than handling morbid funeral logistics.

Hmm. Thinking aloud.

God bless,
Jo

Life

Been rather busy the past few days, am still adjusting to uni life. I enjoy the relaxed atmosphere of classes, of course. All you need is a pen, some paper, a bit of reading before class, and you're all set and ready to go! To understand your lecturer that day, I mean. Haha.

Still trying to maintain piano & guitar playing everyday.. trying. It's a good thing my piano teacher went off for quite a while, so I've had time to not worry about piano classes while I was really a noob in uni. Hehe.

The only things that are suffering with the start of uni are the techy stuff at home and bill payments. Ok lah, I really don't know 2 hoots about solving technical problems if it doesn't involve a loose wire that can be fixed back easily. The internet has been absolutely rotten, even after TMNet came a few times, and precious money has been spent on them TWICE. Because I thought they would be a better job than some other outside techman. Oh boy, was I wrong.

As for the bills... I've not paid a bill in the longest time. *I wonder where they all are.* Guess I'll wait till our electricity supply, astro, phone line etc. are cut off before I take action.

Nah. I'll have to spend this weekend searching for all the bills. I work so much in uni and hostel I usually just wanna come home and laze about.. that's why I've been avoiding the bills. So many numbers involved. -_- I don't like numbers.

Dang! I've not paid the credit bills in the longest time.. that's the killer, with their unreasonable interest rates. At least the others just threaten to cut off their service.

Oh yeah, I'm real glad dad bought the original Microsoft home/student edition. I would never have been willing to spend so much money to get it, and even when he bought it he never used it. Just left it around.. for me? The way he taught me to pay bills online and wanted us to have the best of things after his final visit to the hospital and doctors told him he need no longer go to the hospital... haha, he insisted I buy the keyboard just because I mentioned it. As my birthday present. :) But anyway, in uni now I'm really glad I have that original copy, don't have to contend with the problems that most of my friends are having with pirated software.. namely the product key problem. Some of my friends now use notepad to do their work. Ah.. friends. :) Such a lovely ring to that word. Haha. Love my bunch of Engrish people.. fun & easy to talk to peeps. No cliques! That's the most important. I suppose I hardly had time to really mingle with my form 6 friends before, what with all the havoc going on in life. But now I've got time, and I can really call them friends. :-)

Hmmm. exhausted. lack of sleep the past few days. The days I stay over in hostel I sometimes wake up sweating because being atop the double decker means the fan doesn't reach me. But if I'm sitting on my desk my wet hair can dry in under 10 mins! That's better than a hair dryer, I tell you.

Haha, I'm blurting out random facts today. Probably 'cause I just read my dad's office's magazine and their tribute to him. Such an amazing man... I remember one of his closest friends refusing to accept reality and not visiting my dad until the last few days of his life. I'm glad he finally came though, a bit later and he would harbour guilt for life. What struck me was the way this friend held his hand, looked at him, and hardly ever, ever uttered a word. For hours, just sitting by the bed. My dad did most of the talking.. with the little talking he could manage by that stage. He boasted my STPM results! Haha. I tell ya, I'm sure glad he had 7 days to tell others about my STPM results. God must have granted me such results just to give dad some joy during the last few days of his life. And to tell him that he didn't even have to worry about his youngest daughter because she would be able to survive in this world.

Yesterday someone referred to me as an 'anak yatim'. I was quick to deny that fact, until it hit me, I am an anak yatim, just not an anak yatim piatu. In the English sense, 'orphan' would not apply to me, but in Malay, yes.

Looking forward to the Raya hols, I need a good break from life.

Of the lighter things in life

Lecturer: What is the theme of this passage?

Me: The benefits of travelling...??

L: Ok... the benefits of travelling are what?

Me: er... the benefits of travelling are.... many??

L: What?? The benefits of travelling are MEN?? It's a bit too early in the day to think about MEN, isn't it??

(I actually CHECKED my watch when I heard that. 1.01pm.)

Me: *Completely befuddled face before realising what he heard* Noo.. MANY.

L: MEN???!

Me: MANYYY....

L: OH, MANY...

-_- This has got to be the worst mishearing I've ever encountered with a teacher/lecturer. Friends don't need to say la, most are too corrupted beyond hope. Haha.

The benefits of travelling are MEN??

Oh my I feel as if I've just made a trip to Thailand for 'benefits'.

UM is ONE!

Having come from mediocre schools, a week in UM was a huge difference to me. All the time we hear about UM being the best uni in the country, the most prestigious uni in the country.. the most this and the most that (remember to add the words 'in the country!' or else..).

LOL. Still, as the top uni the country, I'm sure the students will reap the benefits of belonging to it. So I'm not complaining. ;-)

I survived orientation week! It was tough at first, but things worked out in the end. It was pretty traumatising at times due to certain issues, but it's an experience I won't regret.

I'm exhausted, it's off to bed for me. Classes commence this Monday, and I'll be learning Thai in my minor! Hehehehe.

Things seem to be falling in place, and I can only think of one reason why. ;-) Guess He really does know what's best for us, eh?

God bless ya!
Jo

Me thinks..

It's awesome to be a nature-lover in Malaysia. Things drop by so so so easily. The rest of us non-nature-loving peeps work dog-hard and sometimes end up with dog poop.

Ah well. Stark realities of life.

:-)

Starting orientation next week!

Of Death and Life

Went for Roland Wee & family's funeral in Nilai today.

It was heart-breaking. The sight of 4 coffins lined up side by side before being buried is something few people ever witness (The grandmother's funeral was at a different site, else it would have been FIVE coffins lined up). The deceased ranged from age 15 to 79, so the spectrum of people who came for the service varied just as much. From young people still in their school uniform, to old uncles and aunties who couldn't walk by themselves. Heart-wrenching.

The survivors, mother, son, and daughter, stuck in a hospital, unable to attend their loved ones' funeral. The 13 year old son in a coma, fighting for his life even as I type.

My parents' old churchmates, all from Bethel church, gathering together. The last time I saw all of them was during my dad's funeral. They told me they used to hang out as youth in their church. Now, all I see them meeting together for is during funerals, as their group gets smaller and smaller. Nevertheless, their spirit amazes me. Despite everything, they told me to push on, to hold fast to God's word, and to be a prayer warrior. One old uncle told me, "It's our time to pass the baton to your generation." I suppose as they meet each other at one another's funeral, they realise that indeed, the battle cannot stop at their generation, because it's a battle that has yet to end.

Everyone remembered me hoping to get into UM the last time they met me, just a week after my STPM results. They looked genuinely happy when I told them I was given my 1st choice, Bachelor of Arts (English) in UM. :) Pastor Johnny (Roland Wee's brother) told me, "God does have His plans eh..." Somehow that comment wasn't assuring me, it seemed to be filled with questions, and Pastor Johnny seemed to be taking assurance from ME that yes, God's plan does work out in the end. He was an amazing pillar of support during my dad's last days, and I'm sorry I cannot be the same to him in this trying time. I really don't know why this family was torn apart in a twinkling of an eye, and it hurt so much to see the deep sorrow and pain in everyone today, from people of all ages. Still, all I can say is, the battle must go on. We have to pick up the broken pieces from life-shattering events and fight on. Casualties have always been part of a war, but we have the amazing assurance that we will meet once again in heaven.

Grim matters aside, I was offered my 1st choice, Bachelor of Arts (English) in UM. :-) I'll be starting on the 4th of July.. a whole week of orientation. They better not mess with me...

Things have been picking up slowly. Today's chat with the older generation was truly a slap in my face. I've been taking things too easily of late. Have to quit resting on my laurels.

God bless,
Jo

?

Road accident

Today I heard about a gruesome accident that killed 5 people in a family, leaving a wife and 2 kids behind. Smses were coming in through my mom's hp because we know the brother of Roland Wee (my parents knew Roland too.) I knew such an accident would have made it into the news, and I checked the online papers.

It's terrifying to think that people whom you're eating and laughing with during breakfast could be gone the next hour, in an accident that was in no way their fault.

Life is indeed fragile and short. Here today.. gone tomorrow. Here this hour.. gone the next.

I can only imagine the sorrow, pain, grief, shock, confusion, and WHYs the survivors are feeling right now. I'm told that one of the kids is 'in shock', and I hardly find that surprising. Even when I was given time to prepare for death I still find it unbelievable at times, up to today. What more these accident victims?

If the smses are correct, one of the 2 kids is still fighting for his/her life in the ICU. So they are probably too busy worrying about him/her to sort out their feelings now.

I'm told that time heals pain. But I know that one never heals completely, and deep wounds can reopen and hurt at anytime of your life. However, we've got our almighty God with us, and do save our Whys for Him. No one on earth can answer us, unless you want to hear some bull-crap answer, not being careful, fate, etc.

My deepest condolences to Roland Wee's surviving family. I know the pain of losing a parent and a sibling, although those losses were in different situations.

Life's one mighty big question mark at times, eh?

(And really, I just don't have it in me to post bimbo posts.)

Got back from church camp yesterday.

I did superbly stupid thing.. I drove although I was so so soo tired, and I felt as if I could nod off at any moment (on the highway la, mind was too busy processing on the winding road down to feel sleepy). I've decided I gotta drive all the time now if I visit highlands cause I didn't feel sick at all.. a first time ever! Haha.

But anyway, got back safely. Great time at camp, spent time with people I don't usually hang out with. ;-)

Think I'll be blogging less frequently now cause I think there are unwanted people reading this blog.. I could of course open this blog only to friends, but that defeats the whole purpose of this blog. This blog was never meant to be a personal, confidential diary because I simply will not blog about personal issues in detail. Just vague references here and there that most probably won't understand anyway. Many of made completely wrong assumptions when I blog because this blog was never meant to open my whole private life to others. =P Still, it's a breach of privacy when some people read, so I'll just blog less lah. And I'll stick to light stuff like piano, guitar... Hahaha. A bimbo blog? ;-)

God bless ya!
Jo

Focussing..

How long does a deep wound take to heal?

Does time really heal all wounds?

No, time does not. I know that for a fact.

I seem to be merely existing these days.

Abandoned some commitments. But if my heart isn't right, I'm taking a step back. Either give it my all, or don't give anything. No half-heartedness from me.

So tiring.

I wish... I wish.. gah, wishes are whims and fancies of a fool.

Help me please, Lord?

Of cults and heresies

Is it wrong to get angry and frustrated over some things that should be in the historical bin, yet appears out of nowhere time and time again?

It's agonising to watch and to be unable to do anything. Sure, I can retaliate, but it won't make a difference. So why bother?

Why are churches teaching its people to love and to be enslaved to money??

So much for being unable to serve both God and mammon.

Proof I love the classical guitar

I'm darned agitated now 'cause my guitar's D string snapped and I can't play it. Arrgh. I have an extra set but if I use only the D string of the whole packet it'll mean the other strings have to be exposed for dunno how long. Should have bought a set that didn't support saving the environment so much, and packed the strings separately. Oh well.

Guitar exam :-)

Had my classical guitar exam (grade 4) yesterday. :-)

How'd it go?

My scales went pretty well, no dumb dumb mistakes. My pieces were.. er, had minor slips here and there. It was a good thing the examiner was busy writing as I played Etude in E minor, because my left hand made a mighty slide.. right OFF the fingerboard. LOL. But I recovered quickly enough that there was no pause.. I hope.

Viva voce- understanding about my pieces and music in general, I think it went the best. It figures, doesn't it? The part I think I did the best in was worth the least marks. 7%. -_- Oh well. Haha. It so happened the day before I checked on Matteo Carcassi's background (composer for my 1st piece).. and was asked for his nationality during the exam! Lol. If I didn't know that it would have been awfully obvious that I hadn't done ANY study for that. =P

Sight reading.. Ok la, except I played my final note wrongly. BAD mistake. But it wasn't an obvious one, just an F that's a whole octave lower than the printed notation. -_- Blur moment. The guitar has too many notes la!

Aural tests- Haha. Screwed, to be put it crudely. :-) When the examiner laughs at you.. LOL. I've looked at the grade 6 aural tests, it's EVEN WORSE. Oh my.

Still, I felt good after the exam. My last music exam was when I was 14 (grade 6 piano), I think.. wait, I KNOW I've matured a lot since then. The way I handled myself, the way I continued playing despite errors, pretending to know a lot when I actually don't know much during the viva voce.. I used to give one word answers last time. =P The student that came out before my turn looked completely TRAUMATISED, before and after. When I went in, I found the music stand DIRECTLY infront of the stool, hence blocking the soundhole from the examiner. I think that's the most important part in playing the guitar, ensuring that nothing blocks the sound between your guitar soundhole and the examiner. To have forgotten that just speaks of how nervous that poor girl was. I think I used to be like that. Mmm.

My teacher said that I 'got good results' cause he talked to the examiner later. I'm just glad I didn't fail. Hahaha. If fail my first guitar exam then no hope to go on di la.. I put in more effort than my previous piano exams somemore. He said he won't tell me my marks till he sees the mark sheet with the comments.. haha. I'm scrambling my brains to figure out if I made any mistakes that he pointed out before.. =P

Mmm, maybe I should have told him ALL my blunders. Hahaha. But hey, the comment sheet has only that much space, not everything can be in.. right?

Will be starting grade 6 soon, looks like the guitar is gonna surpass and thrash my piano soon.. haih. The guitar requires so much more control and accuracy, yet I seem to be grasping it just fine, as compared to the piano..

Must put in more effort for my piano. Haha. If I drop out again, I don't think I'll pick it up again. -_-

Anyway, that's all,

God bless!
Jo

Churchified

Had a loong loong talk with a friend today.

She brought up the topic about how often times, Christians are so wrapped up in their own 'church world' that they simply forget about the (real) secular world out there. The innocent view they hold of their surroundings, friends, people, human beings in general... it's astounding, really. She was just telling me (innocently) of how much of a 'culture shock' she suffered when she eventually had to mix with the real world (which all of us have to, eventually, no matter how protected or sheltered your church attempts to keep you). Pornography, sex outside marriage, open relationships, lying and cheating for survival (and for fun), betraying trusts to fulfill your own selfish desires.. the list drags on.

Heck, it happens. What shocked me was that this friend of mine NEVER knew about it, and had the impression that such 'evil deeds' are few and far between.

Which brings into question, what is the church of today sheltering us all from??? Yes, we're not to be involved in all these. But to be innocent/naive of it all? Does the church really expect us to remain 'churchified' our whole lives?(Indubitably producing 'churchified' Christians whose lives merely revolve around their respective churches without venturing out would be the devil's greatest joy, me thinks.) Needless to say, it is impossible to remain within the 4 walls of the church for our whole lives. Aren't we supposed to be OUT THERE? Did Jesus choose to remain in some temple during His whole 33.5 years of living? Were all His followers found in a church/temple?

Frankly, I find this attempt to completely shelter rather dangerous. I've met kids who had parents who really protected them from the world. No going out with friends without proper chaperons, no watching certain types of movies, no reading certain types of books, no taking public transport, no walking... all with noble albeit paranoid intentions, I'm sure. But some end up as innocent as babies that they simply cannot penetrate the social circle when they leave their parents' nests. Or end up being conned by the less-innocent people. And some others? As the 'forbidden fruit law' goes, everything that was banned during the vital stages of their lives is suddenly indulged in greedily, without a sense of control. Of course this doesn't apply to all kids..

Likewise, a church who attempts to shelter Christians from all these 'worldly stuff' may just find her plan backfiring.

Or maybe, it just comes down to the nature of a person. Some just grow up innocent, others don't.

I don't know, really.

Still, good food for thought, eh? ;-)

God bless,
Jo

CV

I was asked to 'add abit about your family and your secret to achieve[sic] such good results' for my CV on Hari Kecemerlangan Akademik day.

-_-

What in the world am I supposed to add about my family??? My dad was warded in the middle of STPM, my mom was his full-time nurse, and I fended for myself the whole STPM year??

My secret is simple; God's grace. But I doubt they'll announce that on Speech day.

Wisdom, please, Lord.

Growing Up

To quote Soo-Inn Tan, "To grow up is to learn about the reality of death, about its power to take away the people you love, about its finality, about the sorrow it brings, and about the fact that it is the one sure thing about being human. Death is the human universal."

I learnt about death from a really young age. Some kids took funerals as play-play events. I remember the first funeral I attended, my grandpa's. I was 4 or 5 I think. Even back then, tears would flow. Somehow, at a tender age, I was gifted with compassion.

However, knowing the reality of death doesn't make it any easier to accept as I grow up. In fact, it seems just as hard, if not harder, each time.

So many things to do, hardly any idea on how to tackle half of them. I'm supposed to apply for scholarships too, but just too many things to handle.

I'm good as escaping. But I know I can't escape forever.

Aye. Growing up's awfully tough. It's times like these that I realise how useful my stubborn streak of independence is though.

This thought crossed my mind (random thought ahead!).. I've never been the kind of girl who lists down the top 10 criteria for my future husband. Ok, I've mentioned a few, but only in jest. Haha, ask me to rename them and I can't. Apart from not being afraid of lizards. ;-) Today I just suddenly thought, 'I want a man who makes me love God more.' That's it, such a simple criteria. But quite, quite tough to find. In order to get a man like that, I have to be a woman who makes HIM love God more. And in order to become such a woman, I have to start giving God His due place in my life.. my utmost priority in life.

Help me to love you more each day, Lord.

God bless,
Jo

Crap

This is harder than I'd ever thought it would be.

I ammm a....

DRUMMER now!

Hahahaha. In the process of learning, that is.

Church had a recruitment drive to train musicians, and I thought hey, why not pick up the drums since my timing is so awful? =P Maybe my guitar and piano playing would improve then..

Maybe, timing is related to math, which is why my Math and rhythm are both rather lacking. Lol.

The disadvantage of taking it up is that I can't practice on a real drum set at home.. oh well, more time for my piano and guitar then.

People ask why I'm taking up so many things. It's simple, I realised that I should never say I'm too old to learn new things, because in 5, 10 years time I'll look back and realise that I never was too old for it. I quit competitive badminton because I thought 14 years old was simply too old to make it far, although my coach tried to convince me otherwise. Boy, was I wrong. Now, I'm REALLY too old to make it far. I'm not making the same mistake with other stuff now! Haha.

Sooo tired. Suddenly developed a headache during drum lessons earlier, maybe I'm allergic to loud sounds? Hmm. But, but, drums are REALLY fun. ;-)

Anyway, yeah, life's been going on, just got back from CF camp, and.. yeah, like that lor.

Too tired to blog coherently, my apologies. Haha.

God bless ya,
Jo

I Love Ya

Dad had the MOST AWESOME funeral ever! Haha. No, seriously. Yesterday by 12noon, we had had 100+ visitors coming to pay their last respects, of all races (mainly his staff who were Muslims, as they would not be attending the Christian service). People who had lost touch with dad from schooling days were popping up from everywhere, those who worked with him 30 years ago appeared. Wreath after wreath was delivered, up to this morning, just before the funeral service. His current office chartered a bus to come yesterday.

Final wreath count was 34. Bro and I were saying, we'd prefer if 60% of the wreaths were converted to cash instead, these wreaths weren't cheap! But it really brightened the place up, and made it all flowery-smelling. haha. In between visitors we would constantly brainstorm on the best arrangement for the wreaths. :-) The wreaths were sent by individuals, churches, companies, government offices, and.. unknown people. We were puzzled with some of the senders, no idea what connection they had with dad, especially certain companies.

Today, when the white roses were distributed to everyone, there weren't enough. So they started pulling out white roses from a very beautiful wreath! There weren't enough umbrellas to go around too, many had to walk under the sun on the way to the crematorium. I don't know what my dad ever did to deserve such attention during death, but I'm proud of him. :-)

(Of course, the funeral parlour must have thought he was one rich man looking at the people and wreaths, they tried to fleece us. But that's another story.)

At night, there were so so many strangers to us who attended his funeral. Extra chairs had to be arranged, we weren't expecting so many. My mom estimated a conservative figure of 30 people to attend the service.

Because my contact number was in the obituary, I received phone call after phone call, sms after sms expressing condolences for the passing of my dad. Erm, and many had enquiries about the funeral details. Haha, my bad, I've never written an obituary before this, and I had to do it in a rush on Thursday night. When I saw the obituary I realised I forgot to add his age/DOB-something NOBODY misses out. Oh well. Young forever.

This morning, the pastor decided to surprise us by getting a 5-man band to play. Hahaha, this was really awesome. I've never been to a funeral with a band before, although I know some people do hire bands. It was a pleasant surprise for us.

And the funeral seemed to be a reunion for many people. People who came because they knew me/dad/mom/bro met up with THEIR friends who came because they knew my dad/mom/bro/me.

I've never felt so much joy during a funeral before, and I thank God everything went well. I may never understand why God took dad away when I'm not even (financially) capable of giving mom a comfortable life just yet, but I believe He has His plans that will work out for the best. Now I've got to learn the ropes to handling all the computer/internet stuff.. that's all I'll have to learn for now, I think.

I've been so busy with everything the past few days, when everything is calm again, I know reality will set in. I'm bracing myself for that. Things are like a surreal nightmare the past 3 days, and I think I'm still hoping I'll wake up from this bad dream. It'll take a long time to heal, I only pray that somehow God will heal mom's hurt quickly, there's nothing I can do to hasten her healing process. :-( She was such a wonderful nurse to dad. Whenever I talked to dad and asked him what he wanted, if he said he didn't want anything, I'll ask him if he wants mom, just to get him to want something. He always said yes, and I would joyfully call mom away from whatever she was doing just to please him. hehe. I know she would have loved to nurse him for another 30 years, without ONCE considering him a burden. But God answered our prayers, to heal him completely, or to take him home. Everyone, including nurses and doctors, were surprised at his rapid deterioration, but said despite his extremely weak state, it was amazing that he was not uncomfortable/constantly in pain.

You know there are decisions you regret for life, and decisions you will never regret. I decided to skip guitar class at 6pm on Thursday evening, simply because I knew mom wanted me around that day, after Hospice gave the news that dad simply had a maximum of 2 days. At 7.10pm, dad went back to be with the Lord, and I was the one who discovered he had gone off peacefully. Had I not been home at that hour, and been with my mom when we checked to see if dad was really gone.. it would have been a decision I would regret for life. (You should have seen the two of us, checking for pulse, breath, heartbeat..) The first thing that escaped my mom's mouth after we confirmed dad was gone was, "Praise the Lord! He went off so easily and peacefully, no more pain." Talk about faith!

Thank you, Lord, for perfect timing. No one but my dad would have the presence of mind to die in the midst of a pastor. LOL. The pastor went out to buy dinner for mom and I, and dad left while he was away, so we didn't have to make any phone calls when dad went off. We just waited for him to return, and told him. Then he handled EVERYTHING. All we did was inform some people, and the news spread like wild-fire. By 8.15pm, or thereabout, my house was packed with people. From family, to dad's friends, to my friends, to mom's friends. No one seemed afraid of a dead man, so many cried over him. Talking about perfect timing, we could have the wake on Friday evening, and the funeral on Saturday, so that those who wanted to travel from afar didn't have to take leave etc. Not to mention that when the Nirvana van came to take dad away, it was late at night (10.45pm cause people wanted to rush over to look at him one last time), so no nosy neighbours around. It may seem like sheer coincidences to you, but if you were in my shoes you'd really understand about perfect timing.

And technically, we were together as a family when dad went off. I was chatting to bro(who was waiting for the flight back to M'sia, he booked earlier that day cause dad was really weak) when dad left. Looking back at my chatlog, 7.08pm we were msning normally, 7.09pm he replied something, 7.10pm I told him dad stopped breathing.

The only thing I didn't like was.. the man lying the the coffin wasn't my dad. They shaved off his MUSTACHE.. I'd never seen my dad without it before in my whole entire life. My mom too. Besides that, his face just looked so so different. My first thought was, 'That's not MY dad!' But after scrutinising, I realised it was him.. it was the familiar ears, hair, eyebrows, and neck. But perhaps, it reminded me that what I was looking at was a mere shell, and dad's in the arms of our heavenly Dad. :-) The man in the coffin looked like a very young man, and really, I cannot see my dad in him. That's why I hardly bothered to look into the coffin, just glances here and there. I will remember him by the memories I have of him alive.

All in all, Dad just had the most awesome funeral ever, and I'm glad for him. Last night people were talking, and saying that those who humble themselves will be exalted. Truly, dad's funeral reflected that.

Thank you, to everyone who showed their support. On my part, my school teachers, schoolmates, classmates, friends, parents of friends, the KL/PJ LYPG, and of course, my beloved church. :-) I was surprised to see some of you, but that just makes the surprise sweeter. :-)

I'm not too sure how life will go on from now, but dad has ensured we'd go on living well enough, especially in terms of our relationship to one another. We'd always, always been a close-knit family, and this will come in especially useful now.

Guess dad let go of this earthly life without a fight because he knew we'd be all right by ourselves.

2 Timothy 4:7 says,

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.

Love ya, dad. Enjoy heaven, k?

RIP.. Nov 6th 1955 - March 4th 2010

Hey Dad,

Thanks for everything you did for me.. all of us. I may never learn why the Lord took you home so early, but I'm glad we enjoyed every single year we had with you. I'd rather enjoy 19 years with you than have a horrid relationship with you for 50 years.

I know God has a mysterious plan in all these, and I know you are in heaven, free of your pain. Haha, how's life without pain? =P

We're all right here, it'll take time to heal, but you've prepared us well. Ko and I are handling everything, no worries. :-)

The Lord took you away peacefully, one minute you were breathing, and the next you weren't. When mom and I confirmed you had left us, mom's first words were, "Praise the Lord!" cause you went off so, so easily.

The support we've received has been overwhelming, the house was full last night. Within 10 minutes, it was as if the whole world knew you'd left us for a better place.

Love ya loads & till we meet again,
Joanne :-)

P.S. Did you REALLY wait to hear my STPM results? hahaha, everyone has been saying that. Glad I've managed to make you proud!

"Are you sad?"

That's what someone asked me when we talked about my dad.

"No, actually, I'm ecstatic."

I give up lah.

Dunno whether to laugh or cry at that question.

Another question that riles me is, "Is your dad okay now? Can he walk around now?"

Look, if a miracle has happened, I'll let the whole world know.

The ex-members have been calling us up and declaring their 'love' for us after a whole year of silence. I don't know what kinda volatile love they seem to possess, but it's surely not the kinda love Christ has.

I still wished I'd grew up in a normal church. Haih. Nothing like an experience in a cult to make one bitter.

I thought it was all dead and gone and behind me, until they suddenly seem to be calling and appearing from nowhere. They seem to know everything about us, and I get an uncomfortable feeling about that. I'm glad they know I got 5 A's though, just to let them know that God did not forsake me when I decided to leave them.

I'll have to do a study on the true meaning of 'forgive'. Forgiving and forgetting definitely does not exist. But does forgiving mean I allow them to intrude back into our lives, and report everything that goes on back to him?

These people are wearing me out and hardening me. The next time they show up at my gate, I'm not letting them in. It's stressful for my mom and I, so why allow them in? Besides, I've been labelled a rebel in their eyes, may as well live up to it. ;-)

I sound frustrated, I know. I am. I hate it when the past which I've worked dog-hard to bury suddenly comes alive again, in the form of zombies.

I love you.. I miss you.. My FOOT lah.

You may still be reading my blog, I don't know. For all I know, this blog could be feeding you all the information that you seem to possess about my life. Please, just leave us alone, k? I don't know what you want, and I don't need to know either. Live with the fact that people who leave MT are all growing and maturing (though nursing hurts and bitter hearts may not be easy, I know we'll eventually recover from it).

On a happier note, I played basketball for the first time in my life today. hehehe. I felt remarkably short! Ah well. Haha. Good exercise though, but I'm not aggressive enough lah. Truthfully, give me a non-body-contact sport anyday. Haha. My body ain't meant for the physical brutality these team sports seem to require.

God bless ya,
Jo

STPM results

:-) :):):):):):):)

3 A (Lit, PA, Business), 2 A-(Econs, History). To make it sound nicer, 5 As! =P

I was surprised I got an A- for Econs as it was one of my strongest subject + easiest in STPM, goes to show that the standard in STPM is a don't play play standard. Haha.

On the other hand, it was a pleasant surprise that I managed to get an A for Business (my Achilles tendon) and an A- for History (after the disastrous exam).

All glory to God, it was really, really, an uphill battle in the midst of STPM, with dad being hospitalised and all. Without Him...

Nearly every phone call that came today asked for results, and at the same time, about my dad. So it was good news + not-so-good news.

But my dad was really happy to hear my results! :-) He wasn't hallucinating today, so he smiled. :) Feel so happy for him.

Thank you, God.

White flag

I've got so so so so many things to think about that I'm completely utterly absolutely stressed! Ignore the tautologies please.

Can't focus either. Sigh.

Demons from the past seem to be popping out from nowhere, and it's causing me undue stress. :-(

The sheer hypocriticalness of people whom I used to love shall never cease to astonish me.

Bah. Who needs them.

Would you believe it, my mom forgot that my results would be out today, and my bro didn't even KNOW until a few hours ago that STPM would be out on the 25th Feb.

And to imagine that results used to be a source of anticipation for my family. Haih. So much has changed in so short a time.

My aunt was diagnosed with multiple myeloma(MM) today(yesterday? it's past 12 midnight). She's my dad's brother's wife. My uncle always comes to take care of my dad, his lil' bro mah. Now... he'll have to take care of his wife.

In addition, the prognosis for MM is not good, and there is no cure for it, only trying to keep it under control.

I don't know about life lah. :-(

I'm too young for this pile of crap.

Sorry about my crude language.

It'll be good to return to my heavenly home. But to go first would be completely selfish to my dear family.

I'm tired of thinking. -_-

I give up lah.

Dad, see the white flag I'm waving? I'm asking for a truce, please? One thing at a time, okay?

Heartbroken

Heartache :-(

I found a new scratch/dent on my lovely (classical) guitar today. I always, always check its beyooootiful body, and all along there has been this tiny, tiny, scratch/dent on it that's unnoticeable unless you look at it at a certain angle. But the one I discovered today was obvious, and I can see it from a meter away! :'-(

I'm not sure how it came about, probably when I handled it carelessly just one time because I wanted to carry it with a lot of other things. :-( I felt so so frustrated and angry over it (and myself) as I played it.

Haih. I'm really sad over it, everytime I see it I touch the dent, hoping it really isn't there.

Ok, I'm being dramatic. But it's true, I'm really, genuinely upset over it. My beloved has been permanently damaged. :-(

My guitar exam is in Bukit Bintang.. I have no idea how to reach there by car. But I will need to drive, since I'll be bringing my guitar along.

Before I've even taken my first-ever guitar exam, my teacher is asking me if I want to take a higher grade exam after this exam! Talk about palpitations. Back in those piano-exam days, I used to begin preparing for an exam about 6-8 months before the actual exam. Now I've barely been given 3 months to prepare for my guitar exam, with so many new things to learn. Just when I thought I've gotten a hang of an exam piece, my teacher adds in new styles/techniques to make the piece more 'interesting'. Then my playing becomes all 'stucky' again and I've got to painstakingly work on mastering seemingly impossible techniques till they become smooth again. -_-

Haha, I love the guitar though. :-)

I must admit I enjoy playing the piano, but my piano teacher is treating me like... a grade 6 student. Which is tough, especially for the theory part, because at times I find my brain scrambling to catch on what he's attempting to teach me. Tonic, supertonic.. I think they are basic theory stuff, but I've left that all behind. The only reason why I'm managing to (vaguely) understand the theory he's teaching me is due to the good ol' guitar. Hahaha. We're doing chords now you see, so at least I can easily identify chords on the piano. Bring in words like subdominant, dominant, 1st position, etc etc and that's when the brain scrambles to dig through its historical archives.

Still, I believe it'll take time to refresh this rusty brain of mine, and who knows, I may someday love the piano as much as I love my guitar. :-)

Ok, it's a verbal diarrhoea post today, just felt like blogging. :-) Forgive me if you knoweth not a thing about the music mumbo-jumbo I posted, but hey, it's my blog. =D

God bless ya,
Jo

Agitated

Feeling a bit stressed up now.

STPM results will be coming out this Thursday, 25th Feb.

Just found out my guitar exam will be on the 31st of March. -_-

Haha, put this combination together and I'm having so many butterflies in my stomach I can hardly sit still.

God bless,
Jo

2 Deaths..

According to Rhys' Wide Sargasso Sea, there are always 2 deaths. The real one, and the one everyone knows about.

I always thought I understood it, but now I really think I understand it.

Lagrima (Teardrops)

I learnt to play a new song today. On the classical guitar. :-) Lagrima, by Francisco Tarrega. It's such a simple, and yet lovely song.

Haha, I spent so much time learning it, painstakingly. It's not altogether fluent yet, needs a few more hours of practice, but it's just such a lovely song.

I'm supposed to be practicing my exam pieces.. but I heard this song on youtube and just had to learn it up. Precious hours that were supposed to be spent on my exam pieces were instead invested into this sad, yet lovely song.

But I feel happy. Hehe. I'm indeed beginning to really enjoy playing the classical guitar as I find my left-hand's index finger becoming stronger and stronger as I barre with my other fingers in all sorts of positions.

First time in my whole life I stayed back in PJ during CNY. I was astounded when I saw the empty roads and closed shops, it's a sight I've never seen before in my area.

It's been an okay day.

God bless ya,
Jo

The more I ponder over it...

The more I feel like studying English Literature. To study novels, plays, poems, etc. would be something I really, really, really enjoy. -_-

Most unfortunately, however, I am also a fairly pragmatic person.

In terms of human capital, I'll be a more useful citizen if I take up Law or Economics, or even Business.

SIGH.

Not to mention that scholarships are offered for Law, Economics, Business, and other more 'useful' subjects. English Literature on the other hand...

Head vs. Heart. Logic vs. Emotion. Practicality vs. Desire.

haha, never imagined I'll be stuck in such a rut. I've (usually) always followed my heart/emotions/desires before this. Taman SEA over Sri Aman(better school), badminton over squash(way easier to win competitions), Arts stream over Science stream, TESL over Law(so many called me stupid over this), home over UK(I was either labelled noble or stupid-most times it was the latter)...

Back then, however, it wasn't so close to the 'final decision'. Now I'm so close to the end of my studying life, it's gotta be the 'right' one.

It's not as if I get some kinda high from 'swimming against the tide'. It's just that I'm not a conventional person who desires to follow a conventional path.

Question is, would taking up a conventional path be more rewarding in the end?

Listless...

Feeling lazy and unmovable lately. Mmm. Have not played badminton in weeks despite getting invites from here and there. Just feel.. lazy?

Before I started posting this entry, I was just sitting around doing nothing. As in, NOTHING. Staring into the wall. Mom commented that she has never seen me doing absolutely nothing before. Hahaha. So I decided to blog. :-)

Nothing to blog about though. So this post is effectively a complete waste of time. LOL.

God bless,
Jo

Tears

Had a fairly traumatic day yesterday. My grandparents were brought up to visit dad, and my grandma cried (not in front of dad, of course) after seeing him. :-( Haih, I felt so so sad when I saw her sobbing. To live through the Japanese Occupation (and running/hiding from the Japanese), to lead a tough, poverty-stricken life, to be practically a full-time nurse to her husband, to watch her son being stricken with cancer.. Life has already been so bitter towards her.. It's the nightmare of every parent, to have the thought of having to bury your child. -_-

Then on the journey back to Malacca, after she was done with sobbing, she was ok.. for a while. Then we were caught in a 1 hour traffic jam along a 30km stretch, she felt so nauseous she threw up. She just closed her eyes and went 'aiyah....' for the rest of the journey.

Talk about feeling completely helpless! Wish I had some sort of way to elevate her physical, mental, and emotional distress yesterday. But..

I really really wish I have the ability to shelter her from all the pain, leave pain to us younger ones to handle. It's our turn.. can't we give these people in their twilight years a break from life's turmoils?? I get ever so frustrated thinking about it. There's something utterly wrong with this world when an 80 year old woman sobs her heart out. :-(

To top yesterday off, I couldn't sleep till about 6am! I don't know why. And got up by 7am. Had to drive home at 9.30am. Haha, anyway, I reached PJ in one piece.. and record time. ;-) Took about 1 hour 20 mins. Not too bad. :-D

I'm off now.

God bless ya,
Jo

P.S. I know the last 2 sentences' mood seem incongruous with the somber tone of the earlier paragraphs. Reflects my state of mind?

Motionless

I just feel like lying down in bed and not moving till... till I feel like moving again.

Unfortunately, that only happens in an ideal world. In this world, when you really NEED that kind of break, it's when you need to move the most.

I'm not making sense. In time to come, perhaps it'll make sense.

Went for a 'trial piano class' today.

When my teacher asked when was the last time I played the piano, I told him I'd just played yesterday, but not classical playing lah. Haha. Then he started talking about some beats and quavers and crotchet notes and blablabla. Seeing I've totally abandoned theory 5 years ago, it took me a while to comprehend all he was saying. Then he asked me what beat/something like that I played yesterday, as an accompaniment. He looked fairly puzzled when I said, "Bluff my way through lah..."

Like my guitar teacher, he too asked what made me quit piano lessons & exams 5 years ago. Hahaha. I simply told him I hated the piano. And said it could have been the teacher's fault. Which, in retrospect, could explain the 'disturbed' look on his face when he heard that. Mmm, perhaps it wasn't the wisest thing to say to a teacher I just met today. -__-

The monthly fees are exorbitant though, although I kinda expected it. Music lessons have never been cheap. Still.. to combine it with my classical guitar monthly fees.. *sigh*

However, I did save a lot by going to form 6, and after this, hopefully a local university (am hoping for a scholarship for whatever I study next, hehehe IF I do well enough), and I took minimal tuition(for subjects not offered in school) during my schooling days, so I suppose it isn't that bad.. (yea, I'm comforting myself.) Haha. I can simply quit both, or drop one instrument, but I really don't want to. I'm attempting to complete both to as high a level as I can, so that I'll always have the option of veering off from a 'traditional' career if I ever feel the need to. ;-)

Besides, I enjoy them. =)

Anyway, lately I've been pondering over what to study next. I think I've narrowed it down to Economics, Law, or English Literature.

Economics- Because I found it easy, and it'll be one of the most flexible degrees to find a job with. However, I keep reminding myself, I think I'll rather lecture than join the corporate world.. so do I really need such a 'flexible' qualification?

Law- Because while I'm not so sure how tough Economics can get(particularly MATH), I'm pretty sure I can do Law. Mugging's my middle name. ;-) However, I'm not entirely fond of speaking, and after talking to a couple of lawyers, I've been told that most types of lawyers have to speak well. I think I can speak, albeit precisely, without beating around the bush. But do I like talking a lot?

English Literature- Ah, my first love. The reason why I suffered through STPM taking 5 subjects, only to discover that UM changed their criteria for the course I aimed, and I need not have suffered 5 subjects! However, I do not regret taking English Literature, I think I'll still be given priority should I apply for this course. I have no doubt I'll enjoy this subject(no mugging, no math involved, just critical thinking).. hehe.

I know this subject gave me an extremely tough time during STPM, but that was because I paid so much attention to other subjects, and was rather last minute with it. Particularly because no mugging was involved, so I could just read through a synopsis and discuss it in an exam. Hahaha. But towards the end I realised I needed to do more than that if I wanted an A. Oh well.

Seems easy, right? I should just take up Eng. Lit. without further ado. My heart would love it. My head, however, screams, 'LOGIC! LOGIC!' If I can qualify for a 'better' course like Economics, Law, or even Business, why am I taking this course up?? The job scope is definitely the narrowest if you compare it to others.

But.. head vs. heart. Haih.

I'll pray over it. ;-) And wait for STPM results to come out. Hehe. And see...

God bless,
Jo

-_-

My cousin called me up today to give me a briefing on funeral arrangements 'when the time comes'. My assurances such as "Don't worry lah I know blabla.." didn't assure her. *groans*

Still, one sentence of hers stuck in my head, "Now is not the time for tears. Save the tears for later, now is the time to be strong."

How true. :-)

Played piano for the Powerkids/Sunday School worship today, talk about being thrown into the deep end! I only found out yesterday that I was expected to play today. Haha, no time to even absorb the shock. (Up to today, I've never, ever, ever played with other instruments, much less for a whole group of people to sing!)

Haha, I survived though, with a bit of bluffing and a lot of chord-playing, plus a plea to the guitarist to strum extra loud. LOL. And of course, PRAYER. ;-)

God bless ya,
Jo

Classical Guitar...

I've been taking lessons for almost 2 years now. And today my teacher decided to teach me the 'classical guitar position' because I'll need it for my upcoming grade 4 exam. (Which is pretty soon, I think. He's not telling me when. -_-)

It's an awful position. With 'kang kang legs' and straight back, it's a sure way to horrible backaches. LOL. My teacher warned me about the backache I would get. When I asked, "Why torture ourselves then??" he simply told me I'd be given the boot if I walked in and played the way I've been playing all along. (Haha, that didn't answer my question, then again, that's the way we Malaysians accept things.)

Oh, and I think I'm gonna take up the piano again. ;-) I think I should just finish it off. (With a better teacher, this time.)

I think I'm just gonna enjoy sports now, and go for training in Nusa Mahsuri only if I cannot find people to play/exercise with. No point in improving any sport now, I'll concentrate on guitar and piano. :-)

God bless,
Jo

Noooooo

Lol I got a band 5 AGAIN.

Sigh.

My marks cannot be any better than the last time since I missed band 6 by 1 mark the last time.

Oh well.

Doesn't matter, just bad for my ego. :-(

Hehe, had a good time in Malacca. :-)

God bless,
Jo

Ooops.

I just realised my birthday isn't this Monday..

Hahaha. I kept thinking it was this Monday.

Oh well. =P

Good, tiring day. :-)

Woke up at 7.20am, debated with myself whether to go for training or not for 15 minutes. Decided to go because I'd already promised a friend I'd go, although I was exhausted because I couldn't sleep well last night.

Hahaha. Training was... GAH. It was really, really, exhausting. I've not trained for a 1 year plus, and to suddenly plunge back into that regime was exhausting. Nevertheless, I'm feeling healthier. :-D

After that I was stuck in a stand-still traffic jam. Put me in such a bad mood, I tell you. As it was, I was driving my manual car, with a not-so-easy-to-press clutch, and traffic was at a standstill! I couldn't return home through other ways because of ALL the gated community nonsense.

I already had to counter a jam on the way to training, and had to get lost looking for the sports complex, then I had an exhausting session, then I was stuck in a jam for 1 hour. 1 FREAKING hour!

But, I made it through. Haha. Although my left leg was quite, quite numb after all that. (You try training 2.5 hours then getting stuck in a manual car for 1 hour! The ultimate way to kill your left leg off.)

But, it was a good day. :-)

Went to feed fish with my feet :-) Hahaha, so enjoyable. =P

Then had dinner with church peeps. Then prayer meet. Then mamak. Then went to watch some people play mahjong. (I had no idea what was going on. Something about humans=animals.)

And dad wants to go OUT to eat roti canai tomorrow(today)! =D hahaha. Ah, the lil' joys in life.

Off to zzz now,

God bless,
Jo

Desa Parkcity

This guy called Brandon has the weirdest cravings ever. Since he's leaving for the US tonight, the youth decided to indulge in some of these weird cravings last night.

Tai chow.. Fried food, like fried rice, dunno-what-all-the-chinese-funny-name-food lah etc. So we had dinner there.

Then at about 9.15pm, he decides we should go to Desa Parkcity.

That's when my horrid night began.

LOL. That place has gadgets in its playground that were beyond my wildest dreams. Sure, it was fun. At first. But by the final 'ride' I started to feel nauseous. Hahahaha. It felt like a journey up/down Cameron Highlands. And to imagine I still had to DRIVE HOME that night. -_-

I came home and just laid down for a good long while. =P

Haha. Of weird cravings...

Neway, yeah, that's that.

I'm up at 7.26am!!! to send parents to hospital for check-up.

Oh, and just realised, first day of school for school kids! ;-)

God bless,
Jo

=)

Just spent half a day with the pilot-CP! and her 2 siblings.

Hehe.

How much we've grown up. From rushing to catch the free 1 U bus in form 1 to driving, with our P's nearly expiring now.

I feel old now. =P

From fighting over girlish things(I think??) to fighting over career options (and dangerous driving).

hahaha.

Aye, we're old.

God bless,
Jo

Happy New Year!!! :-)

Ok, I'm a tad late, but anyway, happy new year! :-D

Been busy the past few days, coming home at 2+am the past 2 days. But it's good. :-)

It's my parents 28th(I think) wedding anniversary today. Hehe. Can you imagine being married for so long??

I've absolutely no idea what 2010 has in store for me, I think some things won't be good, but I'll continue to keep trusting in God. It's my final teen year, though I think there's not much difference lah.. 18, 19, 20.. same right? Okay, 21 I can enter a casino..

Anyway, another year has gone. Suffice to say I thought 2009 was an extremely traumatic year with few highs and plenty of downs. But through it all I've grown so so much, mentally and spiritually. Physically.. er.. maybe horizontally, yeah. =P Many a times we don't know why our lives go through such horrifying battles, but everything has shaped us, and made us who we are. I'm a different person from last year's 2nd Jan, and I was a different person on the 2nd of Jan 2008.

Next year I may be a different person too.

But one fact remains.

I'm a beloved child of God and He is one awesome Dad. :-)

God bless ya,
Jo

Numb

I'm numb. Void of feelings. Empty.

It's something that has been stretched for far, far, far too long. And it's taking a toll on me.

The dreaded time.. the time when people start asking me about God. And honestly, I don't know what to reply. All I know is that He has His own mysterious plans. And it's really mysterious, because I'm not being given any answers. I'm fine with it. But when I see others being hurt and confused by it.. it tears my heart apart.

I'm tired too. Exhausted.

I'm a fool, really.

Badminton..

Just had a badminton session this morning. I was tired after an hour of playing! And to imagine I used to undergo 3 hours of TRAINING. Now I can barely last an hour of PLAYING.

This is bad. I'm not playing competitively anymore, but I do want to keep up my fitness level. Have to start playing more.

I feel so used though, I felt like I was invited just so the other girls could flirt with the guys. Giggling, teasing, squeaking..

Give me a session with all guys anytime. Less of empty banter, at least.

hahaha.

God bless,
Jo

Mmm..

Went for Christmas service(a REAL Christmas service after all these years!) today.

The past few days were so hectic that I simply didn't think about buying gifts. Er, that, plus the fact that I've never had to bother about presents before. (Mana tau PPBC celebrate Christmas with everyone giving gifts?? I've got half a mind to escape next year to some nice island. LOL!) Oh well..

Yesterday was a gathering of the rebels. Haha, a good time, really. We could actually talk freely without worrying about using PC(politically-correct) terms and topics. Twice now they've all gathered to have service and fellowship at home. Guess they figured, since dad can't go for service, they'll bring service to him. And I'm glad. :-)

As for me. I'm at a complete loss about what to do next. The musts:

1. Play guitar. I've just paid for my freaking expensive grade 4 LCM classical guitar exam fees. Will be taking grade 4 next year. I've not taken a music exam in years. It's 10 times worse than academic exams! I can just picture it.. me.. alone with some stern-faced examiner.. mmm... with the classical guitar being a much, much harder instrument to 'control' as compared to the piano..

2. Decide on what course to apply for in uni. Unlike a year ago, when I was stubbornly steadfastly holding on to ideals, now I just want to get a job that can support myself. Ideals just do not work out in this world, I'm gonna get in line with convention and graduate, get a job, get money. (Okay, not exactly just that, but to serve God in any area He's calling me into. ;-))

3. I dunno??

Of course, I've got plans..

haha.

The plans:

1. Take up Chinese again.

2. Play badminton.. or at least get some sort of fun exercise. Jogging is completely boring. :-(

3. Still considering, if I should take up piano lessons again. Trying to find a teacher that's good and nice. Hahaha. Preferably, a man. I dunno, I seem to click better with guy instructors. Any piano teachers to recommend?

Hmmm. I don't know which of my plans will work out. Haha. So many people have asked me to work, but I can't, not at this point of time. Unless you have a job that only needs me to work 1-2 days a week, maybe. Lol.

Holidays? I'm enjoying PJ/KL enough, the only place I'll want to holiday is on some island, to get a few thriller rides in the sea. ;-) But put that thought on hold. I've already got a short class trip to Genting next month, that'll suffice for now.

God bless ya,
Jo

You know it's post-STPM when...

..your biggest dilemma is whether to return to your badminton world or to entertain relatives.

=P

Haha.

Well, after 10 hours of dilemmaing I went with the relatives option, simply because I can play badminton anytime, but they don't visit often. :-)

Which is also why I'm currently facing some badminton-craving. :-(

Oh oh, I've got a morbid joke to share. ;-)

Dad has been resting a lot in his room lately, so I constantly check on him.. you know, just to make sure things are all right.

My lil' cousin's 8-year-old kid asked me, "Why you always check on your papa?"

Me: Er... (how do you explain to an 8-year-old that you wanna make sure your dad's still breathing?) Er... to see if he's ok lah. You got check on your parents or not???

She: No...

Me: You must check on them one you know!

Hahahaha. Maybe she'll constantly be checking on them after this. Ya never know. ;-)

A lot of people don't know the meaning of 'palliative'. To give you an idea of that word... when I told a future doctor that dad's under palliative care, all she said was, "Oh God."

Anyway, it basically means it's entirely in God's hands, whether to heal or not. Because medicine won't work anymore.

Things are stable at the moment, so I've had time to do other stuff. :-)

Like watching Avatar. Good movie. Hehe.

God bless ya,
Jo

Come to Jesus

Weak and wounded sinner
Lost and left to die
O, raise your head, for love is passing by
Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus and live!

Now your burden's lifted
And carried far away
And precious blood has washed away the stain, so
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus and live!

And like a newborn baby
Don't be afraid to crawl
And remember when you walk
Sometimes we fall...so
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus and live!

Sometimes the way is lonely
And steep and filled with pain
So if your sky is dark and pours the rain, then
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus and live!

O, and when the love spills over
And music fills the night
And when you can't contain your joy inside, then
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus and live!

And with your final heartbeat
Kiss the world goodbye
Then go in peace, and laugh on Glory's side, and
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus and live!

In today's storm I saw the raindrops as God's tears. I don't know why, I just did.

I'm so exhausted I'm numb. Is this what 'strive' means?

Love Ya Loads, God.

I'm sorry if I demand for too much at times.

But thank You, so so much, for being my sidekick all the time.

Exhausted

Insurmountable obstacles...

All I can do is lean, and lean HARD, on my Dad in heaven.

Anyway, there was a totally impromptu gathering of my old churchmates (in different churches now) in my house today. 3 leaders and their family, some youths I know. It was an encouraging time, really. Few hours of fellowship, really glad for my parents.

Say, I don't know why, this was actually supposed to be a morbid post, especially just after talking to a brilliant medicine student(who rejected medicine in CAMBRIDGE to be closer to home) about current circumstances.

But, I've deleted all the sad part.

Simply because I suddenly feel so, so, joyful.

I don't know why.

Thank you, God. :-)

Blessings

My parents are so cute lah.

Lol.

My dad's roommate is this super scrawny guy who refuses to eat and just complains, "Sakit, sakit, sakit (Painful, painful, painful)." And he wanted a pillow to hug, but hospital pillows are so hard and uncomfortable his body ached more after hugging one.

So dad suggested this brilliant idea of us giving him a nice comfy soft pillow.

Mum called me up and told me their mission to make that man happy. So I went around the house finding the softest/most comfy pillow I could find, testing each one by hugging them. Then I sunned the pillow I found (one of my favourite pillows and a costly one!) to.. I dunno, make it cleaner??

When we gave it to the man he just smiled (first time ever he smiled ever since we saw him!) gratefully, hugged it and went to sleep IMMEDIATELY. Haha, our worry that he would have rejected our 'gift' was all in vain.

Every time I walked past him and saw him hugging it I felt so glad for him. Nothing beats the feeling that you've helped to ease one's suffering, even if by the tiniest fraction.

Above all, I'm amazed at my parents. So cute lah they can think of these kinda solutions in times like these. Haha. :-)

Dad's currently under palliative care.. we used to hope it'll never reach that stage, but.. well, things happen.

Anyway, the support given has been amazing. Dad has talked himself hoarse over the past few days to visitors from all over. Some even visit twice a day! I'm really glad, because I kinda worried support would dwindle since they are currently churchless. But prayers, and unknown pastors, are emerging from nowhere. (However, NO ONE from our previous church, except those who left with us, bothered to contact us.)

There are worse cases out there, more suffering out there that I know of, so despite everything, I thank God for His mercies and blessings.

God bless,
Jo

Lately..

I've been hoping the world will end. So much easier if we all go off together, without leaving people behind, or (worse still?) being left behind..

Sorry for the morbid thoughts. But yeah, it'll be easier, and less painful, eh? Looking at the natural disasters.. climate changes.. callousness of man's treatment towards the environment.. anything's possible.

Anyway, I've done a massive massive clean-up of all my STPM stuff. 95% of my books look brand new, 80% of them are untouched. Only now I've realised how many books people gave me. I think about half my books I have were given by the kind souls out there. Which brings back memories of last year and why I returned home.. a decision that lately has proven to be a right one. (Although STPM was horrendous..)

But moving on, I've got so so many books that look brand new I don't know what to do with them. And frankly, I'm too tired to be bothered about them.

Have to do so many things.

-Get my FD done. For some unfathomable reason my internet banking is not allowing me to FD.

-Get a debit card. The gov's move to charge service tax for EVERY credit card is not very clever. -_-

-Continue clearing up my room.

-Learn a lot of things I took for granted before.

-Pray, pray, pray.

So so so tired. Been feeling like I'm waking up into a bad dream everyday lately. Thankfully I'm not having nightmares when I manage to fall asleep. I don't know how I even managed to get through STPM, but somehow or other I did.. At least, it's one load off my back.

After hearing someone else's story.. I realised that I'm in a very blessed situation, with support from all over. Can you imagine going through an insurmountable obstacle completely alone?? No wonder some people just give up...

And yet, in a way.. if things had to happen, the timing seems.. 'right'? When I'm no longer a school student, with months to spare commitment-free?

Just thinking aloud, not sounding coherent.

Exhausted. Off now,

God bless,
Jo

When you trust..

..is it possible to be free of worry? To wonder about the future?

I don't like this period of life at all. Not at all. I wish it'll just zoom forward when it's all the the past, or backwards when it's all in the future. Living in the present is proving itself to be an immeasurable obstacle.

All in the midst of STPM too-the supposedly one of the most important examinations in my life.

Hang STPM! I just want my happy life.. and family, back.

I wanna go out and enjoy myself without that tingle of worry at the back of my mind.

I wanna go on holidays like those good old days without worrying about life.

All in the past now, I know. Nothing to do but to plod on wearily in this tiresome
journey..

Whoever said growing up was easy?

Trust... When I talked about being forced to trust a few blog-posts ago, I really didn't mean trust in this kinda sense.

Still, all things are in God's hands. He's an awesome dude.

God bless ya,
Jo

And here it comes again...

Life's tough, eh?

Dad's in the hospital again due to some obstruction in his intestines. Probably explains all the pain and cold sweat and nausea he's been going through the past 2 weeks.

Mum's with him, bro's off to Malacca for familial obligations.

And me? I'm stuck 'studying'. Though how one can possibly study with all that's going on.. have to though. The last thing I wanna do is to fail everything and worry everyone even more.

O that this too too solid flesh would melt!

Trust...

Differences...

I find myself switching between different styles of speaking when I speak to different groups of people.

Is that normal?

Now I can't even figure out which is my 'original style'. 'Tis pretty true even for my typing, sometimes I end up sounding vulgar, and other times it's fairly refined.

Hmmm.

I suppose it's just a natural way of adapting to my surroundings.

2 more papers. ;-) Can't wait to return to badminton(I miss my badminton world + friends so so so much!), guitar(I'm taking grade 4 next year! And I just started learning to play the guitar last year. LOL), piano(since I've learnt to play chords/without notes, I've realised there is so much more to learn), awesome thriller books.. :-)

God bless ya,
Jo

Traumatised

I just had my supposedly easiest subject. Macroeconomics. -_-

Oh well, hopefully Micro pulls it up. A LOT. I need an A for Econs. Of all subjects to disastrousize!

Mmm. I thought I'll be happy as it draws to the end.

I'm just getting more frustrated with each passing paper. Dunno why trials was such a breeze. :-(

STPM, home, life.. I feel myself being torn apart. FAR apart.

But, God has a hand in everything. I really don't know what He's trying to do, I really really don't know.. I think it may be extremely painful in the process, but I'll trust in Him. :-) (He's not giving me much choice on this trust issue, actually.)

Off now, Business tomorrow..

God bless,
Jo

Pondering...

What causes one to grow up? To mature mentally, spiritually, and emotionally?

Physically yes, everyone grows up, unless you face some sort of condition.

But in other aspects?

Me thinks, it's the experiences and problems and obstacles and everything bad that causes us to grow up.

Really.. being happy all the time just stunts one's growth. That's what I think, anyway. :-)

Ok, I'm supposed to be pondering over STPM stuff, not such irrelevant questions. Hahaha!

God bless,
Jo

Thank you God...

That I made it through today. I've never dreaded and yet hoped that such a day would be over as much as today.

=)

End of week 1

I have never, ever, ever ever ever ever ever ever ever worked SOOOOO freaking hard in my whole entire life before than the past few days.

It was like, STUDY STUDY STUDY STUDY eat STUDY STUDY STUDY STUDY exam exam exam STUDY STUDY STUDY sleep STUDY STUDY STUDY STUDY.

-_-

So so so torturous. Really! To date I've finished 1.5 ball point pens. :-) Which is good.. right? At least I didn't sit down and cry during the exam. Haha.

But the papers haven't been too good, tough. Way tougher than school exams, that's for sure. Don't trust school exams! Not Taman Sea's, anyway.

I've not studied since after today's paper(Business 1), hafta start again after this. This many hours break could cost me a lot. *sigh*

And I've got blisters on my fingers. It's really agony, to force yourself to write and write non-stop for 3 hours, 4 days in a row. Your hand is screaming "STOP!" but your brain tells you to go on, time is ticking away. I've got 2 3 hour papers this coming Monday.. don't know how my hand will survive. Lol.

I have finally understood the meaning of STPM. :-( By the 2nd day this week, after a disheartening History paper, I was wondering how I would make it through. But somehow, with God's grace, I'm.. well, sitting here now.

If uni life is as tough as the past few days, I'm dropping out. haha. Imagine if you miss out one tiny part in your book, it comes out for your exam.. and is worth 25% of that paper. Sit there and cry lah. Haha. It's that fear that drives me to keep keep going, every extra minute of studying puts in some input that may just be in the exam paper. (No, I really really don't believe in spotting, it has never worked for me. Hahaha, in fact, if you wanna know what's coming out, just ask me which part I didn't study. Half the time the very tiny section I choose to ignore comes out. =P)

Ok, that's a rant for week 1. :-) I'm not even halfway through yet, another 4 papers next week, but, I'll survive. Right?

God bless ya,
Jo

I wonder..

What would happen if I discuss about the Oedipus Complex in today's English Lit. paper? Hahahaha. How open-minded are our M'sian examiners?

2nd paper done, was tough, didn't expect them to ask on China's military organisation, focused more on Roman and Greek's military, didn't expect them to ask on Majapahit, I woulda preferred Ancient Egypt/Mesopotamia/Indus etc, but hey, it's an exam. -_-

Oh well. 8 more papers, will try to survive till the 9th of Dec. After that I'll be hibernating for a few days, me thinks.

God bless!
Jo

=)

So excited.

STPM's gonna end so so so soon! :-)

Hehehe.

I'm surrounded by stressed-up people lah. -_- And and I can't seem to feel the stress. *sigh* No drive to study non-stop.

One friend told me, "God must hate me. I only go to Him for help." Well, just keep going strong in our Lord, friend, even after STPM.. :-) A strong, close relationship with Him is an awesome one!

I'm putting on so so so much weight lah. -_- No exercise, eating non-stop.. *sigh*

Bro's coming home! How to study after that? =)

And and and.

Today during some assembly where the teachers give their speeches to 'motivate' us STPM and SPM'ers, I wanted to study a bit, so I went out of sight of the teachers. They were standing on the 1st floor looking down at us you see, so I just went underneath them. Then then, suddenly, "Joanne, Joanne!" I looked around. "Up here. This is the voice of God speaking from above."

-_-

HAHAHAHAHA. It was one of my favourite teachers laughing at me.. from above. She must have seen me going out of sight. =)

Hehe. Love most of my teachers loads. :-) Can talk to them about anything. And they are such fun. The ones I like, I mean. There are some out there I beh tahan, but the ones who don't emphasise on a distinct line between student and teacher I like.

I remember one time last year, when a discipline teacher, but a very nice one, was talking to me. She just took a chair and sat down in front of me talking to me about.. stuff lah. And I was SMSing some friends before that, so while she was talking I was so so worried my phone would vibrate(in my desk). But it didn't. :-)

Anyway, I'll miss my teachers when I leave school, but I won't miss school. Hehe. Comes a time when one just has to move on lah, and school rules/regulations is just plain incongruous with one.

God bless,
Jo

:-(

I've been having these bad tummyaches after meals lately. I don't know why. When it started I thought it was because I overate. So I watched what I ate every meal after that, but it still results in stomachaches.

*sigh*

Used to have this problem when I was young, up to about standard 6? But it went away and never came back.. till the past few days.

I spent some days lying down because it's so bad. :-( And I'm suppose to be studying, not stomach aching. :-(

Gotta be wise about my food now though. I think it's because I stopped eating 'unhealthy' food for quite a while, many months? and one day caved in to temptation and stuffed myself with Ramli burgers and fried oysters and everything else.

*In pain now*

On the other hand, God is awesome awesome awesome!

I asked Him for something. And... I got it! :-) Like, awesome. Better than expected. Hehehehe. The way Solomon asked for wisdom.. :-)

Of course, He's always awesome. :-) Love Him so so much!

God bless ya,
Jo

Pondering...

Had a relatively stressful day yesterday, with all sorts of things piling up. And most unfortunately, STPM wasn't part of the stress pile. Oh well.

And it was dad's birthday yesterday! Sadly we didn't do anything, mum was busy with some meeting and school dinner, I was.. what was I doing, actually? I had guitar class.. a lot of sleep time (I tend to sleep a lot when I'm stressed I think, helps to wile away plenty of time). Then I was so stressed up I wanted to go for prayer in church (it helps oh-so-much!). But even then I had to find dinner for dad, ended up ordering pizza since he wanted it. And I thought I'd wait for it to arrive and pay for it etc before leaving for church, but PIZZA HUT WAS LATE. They came after 50 mins! Not the usual 30 mins. Left the payment and collecting of pizza to dad after pacing around waiting for it to arrive for so long. Cancelling that order would have meant I'd need to find some other kind of food, so I didn't.

My sincerest apologies for rambling.

Anyway, I've been thinking a lot about faith lately, particularly, the Christian faith.

Do we (2nd generation of Christians onwards) hold on to real faith? Or do we hold on to our PARENTS' faith?

When I talk to many Christians, most of what they utter about Christianity is stuff that has been indoctrinated into them. Never once have they thought to question their faith. Which, of course, is not good. When trials and temptations come, such blind faith, merely imitating all we've been taught, will crumble.

Thinking aloud now.. bear with me. This is mostly to do with Pentecostalism, the faith I grew up with.


Which part of the Bible tells us we cannot drink wine?

Which part says we cannot smoke?

Which part says no gambling?

Which part says about being slain in the Spirit?

The list goes on and on.

Truthfully, I cannot seem to find Bible verses that tell me about the questions I've mentioned.

If smoking is so evil because it can destroy our body.. isn't eating unhealthily, leading a sedentary lifestyle just as dangerous? Why do Christians abhor smoking, and yet find other ways to destroy our bodies? Do we have a right to condemn smokers if we ourselves our destroying our bodies in other ways??

To us 2nd generation Christians (onwards), the Holy Spirit, God, and Jesus-the 3 in 1 concept is accepted unquestioningly. Which is why it's good to talk to new believers, or non-believers about such things. They tend to ask questions which force us to think, and oftentimes, we find ourselves answerless. Of course, there is the argument that a too-intellectual faith is dangerous. But if we were to blindly memorise and recite all we learn without actually thinking about them, that renders us no better than.. than some other type of faith.

Why did Jesus teach us to forgive, and yet the Bible also speaks about 'an eye for an eye'?

It's time to let go of blind faith, and to embrace genuine faith in our Lord Jesus Christ. :-)

Oh man. I'm supposed to be studying, not pondering over such things. Growing up is toooough! But I enjoy it. :-)

God bless ya,
Jo

Of MUET and life :-)

Took MUET today... attempting to aim for Band 6 again..? I think quite fail lor, haha, I found speaking and listening easier, but reading and writing more difficult. And and seeing reading and writing are both worth so so many more marks as compared to speaking and listening..

Oh well. No harm retrying, I suppose..

Slept my afternoon away, woke up for lunch.. just after I finished lunch, I suddenly saw a few of the youth standing outside my house. -_- Lol, talk about surprises. And they were singing me a birthday song! Hmm.. wrong month. But but their 'stress-free kit' is really awesome! Food + card + 2 stressballs that smile just like me! =)

Well, it sure did perk my day up, and I've got the motivation to study. I think. Lol.

One of them said, "We can really see the difference between the SPMers and STPMers."

So I was thinking (with my sleepy look and all) that she meant STPM was waaay harder than SPM so we looked like we were working harder and suffering more.

"The STPMers are like 'ah whatever lah who cares'."

LOL. So much for me thinking some noble thoughts about how 'hard' I've worked thus far.

You destroy my reputation lah Wai Yan! If you were not playing just before they visited you they would have thought I'm working hard too. :-(

Oh well, thank God for nice people. :-)

4.5 weeks more to FREEDOM! :-)

Tanggal hari ke-sembilan... bulan dua belas, kosong sembilan.. merdeka, merdeka...

Bejeweled time!

Then study. ;-)

God bless,
Jo

Contemplating...

About my future. :-)

I really don't want to go overseas..? Although so so so many people are pressuring me to do so, what with the government sponsoring you if you get into a good university.

-_-

Is a paper degree worth so so much? So what if I can get into some renown university? (Okay, it's probably worth gold.. to others.) But I don't wanna work so so so hard on my studies! I'm so lazy laaah. :-( I only study hard in school because there are no distractions, the moment I'm home I do everything else. Piano, guitar, tv, facebook, internet... I really try to study, I do.. but.. I think I'm hyperactive or something lah. Haha. Itchy butt syndrome.

I wanna pick up as many skills as I can while I'm young, so I wanna stay right here. Plus I don't think I should leave home, not right now, not in the years to come. Gotta see how things go.. but for now, I feel I'm needed here.

But what if I regret in 10 years time.. and wished I'd gone to some prestigious university? (Although I still don't regret rejecting JPA and MOE's scholarships..)

What if?

I don't think I will lah. Haha. I don't know, really.

God, show me your will... and grant me my heart's desires?

God bless ya,
Jo

Hello :-)

I'm bored of studying. -_-

Because my subjects STILL require last minute revision anyway. Even if I finish my History books today, I'll STILL need to rush through every single detail the day before my paper.

So.

What's the point???

Haha.

Eng. Lit... give up laaar. -_-

Wait wait, cannot give up. Too close to the end to give up.

No drive/motivation to study lah. In form 5 I had lah, I wanted a scholarship.

Now I just want a place in the nearest local U. Mmm. Which I may not get even if I'm the top student in the whole country because of our country's odd odd education system.

So.

What's the point???

haha.

Ok ok, I should study and leave the rest to God.

Mmm.

Bored lah.

-_-