Numb

I'm numb. Void of feelings. Empty.

It's something that has been stretched for far, far, far too long. And it's taking a toll on me.

The dreaded time.. the time when people start asking me about God. And honestly, I don't know what to reply. All I know is that He has His own mysterious plans. And it's really mysterious, because I'm not being given any answers. I'm fine with it. But when I see others being hurt and confused by it.. it tears my heart apart.

I'm tired too. Exhausted.

I'm a fool, really.

Badminton..

Just had a badminton session this morning. I was tired after an hour of playing! And to imagine I used to undergo 3 hours of TRAINING. Now I can barely last an hour of PLAYING.

This is bad. I'm not playing competitively anymore, but I do want to keep up my fitness level. Have to start playing more.

I feel so used though, I felt like I was invited just so the other girls could flirt with the guys. Giggling, teasing, squeaking..

Give me a session with all guys anytime. Less of empty banter, at least.

hahaha.

God bless,
Jo

Mmm..

Went for Christmas service(a REAL Christmas service after all these years!) today.

The past few days were so hectic that I simply didn't think about buying gifts. Er, that, plus the fact that I've never had to bother about presents before. (Mana tau PPBC celebrate Christmas with everyone giving gifts?? I've got half a mind to escape next year to some nice island. LOL!) Oh well..

Yesterday was a gathering of the rebels. Haha, a good time, really. We could actually talk freely without worrying about using PC(politically-correct) terms and topics. Twice now they've all gathered to have service and fellowship at home. Guess they figured, since dad can't go for service, they'll bring service to him. And I'm glad. :-)

As for me. I'm at a complete loss about what to do next. The musts:

1. Play guitar. I've just paid for my freaking expensive grade 4 LCM classical guitar exam fees. Will be taking grade 4 next year. I've not taken a music exam in years. It's 10 times worse than academic exams! I can just picture it.. me.. alone with some stern-faced examiner.. mmm... with the classical guitar being a much, much harder instrument to 'control' as compared to the piano..

2. Decide on what course to apply for in uni. Unlike a year ago, when I was stubbornly steadfastly holding on to ideals, now I just want to get a job that can support myself. Ideals just do not work out in this world, I'm gonna get in line with convention and graduate, get a job, get money. (Okay, not exactly just that, but to serve God in any area He's calling me into. ;-))

3. I dunno??

Of course, I've got plans..

haha.

The plans:

1. Take up Chinese again.

2. Play badminton.. or at least get some sort of fun exercise. Jogging is completely boring. :-(

3. Still considering, if I should take up piano lessons again. Trying to find a teacher that's good and nice. Hahaha. Preferably, a man. I dunno, I seem to click better with guy instructors. Any piano teachers to recommend?

Hmmm. I don't know which of my plans will work out. Haha. So many people have asked me to work, but I can't, not at this point of time. Unless you have a job that only needs me to work 1-2 days a week, maybe. Lol.

Holidays? I'm enjoying PJ/KL enough, the only place I'll want to holiday is on some island, to get a few thriller rides in the sea. ;-) But put that thought on hold. I've already got a short class trip to Genting next month, that'll suffice for now.

God bless ya,
Jo

You know it's post-STPM when...

..your biggest dilemma is whether to return to your badminton world or to entertain relatives.

=P

Haha.

Well, after 10 hours of dilemmaing I went with the relatives option, simply because I can play badminton anytime, but they don't visit often. :-)

Which is also why I'm currently facing some badminton-craving. :-(

Oh oh, I've got a morbid joke to share. ;-)

Dad has been resting a lot in his room lately, so I constantly check on him.. you know, just to make sure things are all right.

My lil' cousin's 8-year-old kid asked me, "Why you always check on your papa?"

Me: Er... (how do you explain to an 8-year-old that you wanna make sure your dad's still breathing?) Er... to see if he's ok lah. You got check on your parents or not???

She: No...

Me: You must check on them one you know!

Hahahaha. Maybe she'll constantly be checking on them after this. Ya never know. ;-)

A lot of people don't know the meaning of 'palliative'. To give you an idea of that word... when I told a future doctor that dad's under palliative care, all she said was, "Oh God."

Anyway, it basically means it's entirely in God's hands, whether to heal or not. Because medicine won't work anymore.

Things are stable at the moment, so I've had time to do other stuff. :-)

Like watching Avatar. Good movie. Hehe.

God bless ya,
Jo

Come to Jesus

Weak and wounded sinner
Lost and left to die
O, raise your head, for love is passing by
Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus and live!

Now your burden's lifted
And carried far away
And precious blood has washed away the stain, so
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus and live!

And like a newborn baby
Don't be afraid to crawl
And remember when you walk
Sometimes we fall...so
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus and live!

Sometimes the way is lonely
And steep and filled with pain
So if your sky is dark and pours the rain, then
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus and live!

O, and when the love spills over
And music fills the night
And when you can't contain your joy inside, then
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus and live!

And with your final heartbeat
Kiss the world goodbye
Then go in peace, and laugh on Glory's side, and
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus and live!

In today's storm I saw the raindrops as God's tears. I don't know why, I just did.

I'm so exhausted I'm numb. Is this what 'strive' means?

Love Ya Loads, God.

I'm sorry if I demand for too much at times.

But thank You, so so much, for being my sidekick all the time.

Exhausted

Insurmountable obstacles...

All I can do is lean, and lean HARD, on my Dad in heaven.

Anyway, there was a totally impromptu gathering of my old churchmates (in different churches now) in my house today. 3 leaders and their family, some youths I know. It was an encouraging time, really. Few hours of fellowship, really glad for my parents.

Say, I don't know why, this was actually supposed to be a morbid post, especially just after talking to a brilliant medicine student(who rejected medicine in CAMBRIDGE to be closer to home) about current circumstances.

But, I've deleted all the sad part.

Simply because I suddenly feel so, so, joyful.

I don't know why.

Thank you, God. :-)

Blessings

My parents are so cute lah.

Lol.

My dad's roommate is this super scrawny guy who refuses to eat and just complains, "Sakit, sakit, sakit (Painful, painful, painful)." And he wanted a pillow to hug, but hospital pillows are so hard and uncomfortable his body ached more after hugging one.

So dad suggested this brilliant idea of us giving him a nice comfy soft pillow.

Mum called me up and told me their mission to make that man happy. So I went around the house finding the softest/most comfy pillow I could find, testing each one by hugging them. Then I sunned the pillow I found (one of my favourite pillows and a costly one!) to.. I dunno, make it cleaner??

When we gave it to the man he just smiled (first time ever he smiled ever since we saw him!) gratefully, hugged it and went to sleep IMMEDIATELY. Haha, our worry that he would have rejected our 'gift' was all in vain.

Every time I walked past him and saw him hugging it I felt so glad for him. Nothing beats the feeling that you've helped to ease one's suffering, even if by the tiniest fraction.

Above all, I'm amazed at my parents. So cute lah they can think of these kinda solutions in times like these. Haha. :-)

Dad's currently under palliative care.. we used to hope it'll never reach that stage, but.. well, things happen.

Anyway, the support given has been amazing. Dad has talked himself hoarse over the past few days to visitors from all over. Some even visit twice a day! I'm really glad, because I kinda worried support would dwindle since they are currently churchless. But prayers, and unknown pastors, are emerging from nowhere. (However, NO ONE from our previous church, except those who left with us, bothered to contact us.)

There are worse cases out there, more suffering out there that I know of, so despite everything, I thank God for His mercies and blessings.

God bless,
Jo

Lately..

I've been hoping the world will end. So much easier if we all go off together, without leaving people behind, or (worse still?) being left behind..

Sorry for the morbid thoughts. But yeah, it'll be easier, and less painful, eh? Looking at the natural disasters.. climate changes.. callousness of man's treatment towards the environment.. anything's possible.

Anyway, I've done a massive massive clean-up of all my STPM stuff. 95% of my books look brand new, 80% of them are untouched. Only now I've realised how many books people gave me. I think about half my books I have were given by the kind souls out there. Which brings back memories of last year and why I returned home.. a decision that lately has proven to be a right one. (Although STPM was horrendous..)

But moving on, I've got so so many books that look brand new I don't know what to do with them. And frankly, I'm too tired to be bothered about them.

Have to do so many things.

-Get my FD done. For some unfathomable reason my internet banking is not allowing me to FD.

-Get a debit card. The gov's move to charge service tax for EVERY credit card is not very clever. -_-

-Continue clearing up my room.

-Learn a lot of things I took for granted before.

-Pray, pray, pray.

So so so tired. Been feeling like I'm waking up into a bad dream everyday lately. Thankfully I'm not having nightmares when I manage to fall asleep. I don't know how I even managed to get through STPM, but somehow or other I did.. At least, it's one load off my back.

After hearing someone else's story.. I realised that I'm in a very blessed situation, with support from all over. Can you imagine going through an insurmountable obstacle completely alone?? No wonder some people just give up...

And yet, in a way.. if things had to happen, the timing seems.. 'right'? When I'm no longer a school student, with months to spare commitment-free?

Just thinking aloud, not sounding coherent.

Exhausted. Off now,

God bless,
Jo

When you trust..

..is it possible to be free of worry? To wonder about the future?

I don't like this period of life at all. Not at all. I wish it'll just zoom forward when it's all the the past, or backwards when it's all in the future. Living in the present is proving itself to be an immeasurable obstacle.

All in the midst of STPM too-the supposedly one of the most important examinations in my life.

Hang STPM! I just want my happy life.. and family, back.

I wanna go out and enjoy myself without that tingle of worry at the back of my mind.

I wanna go on holidays like those good old days without worrying about life.

All in the past now, I know. Nothing to do but to plod on wearily in this tiresome
journey..

Whoever said growing up was easy?

Trust... When I talked about being forced to trust a few blog-posts ago, I really didn't mean trust in this kinda sense.

Still, all things are in God's hands. He's an awesome dude.

God bless ya,
Jo

And here it comes again...

Life's tough, eh?

Dad's in the hospital again due to some obstruction in his intestines. Probably explains all the pain and cold sweat and nausea he's been going through the past 2 weeks.

Mum's with him, bro's off to Malacca for familial obligations.

And me? I'm stuck 'studying'. Though how one can possibly study with all that's going on.. have to though. The last thing I wanna do is to fail everything and worry everyone even more.

O that this too too solid flesh would melt!

Trust...

Differences...

I find myself switching between different styles of speaking when I speak to different groups of people.

Is that normal?

Now I can't even figure out which is my 'original style'. 'Tis pretty true even for my typing, sometimes I end up sounding vulgar, and other times it's fairly refined.

Hmmm.

I suppose it's just a natural way of adapting to my surroundings.

2 more papers. ;-) Can't wait to return to badminton(I miss my badminton world + friends so so so much!), guitar(I'm taking grade 4 next year! And I just started learning to play the guitar last year. LOL), piano(since I've learnt to play chords/without notes, I've realised there is so much more to learn), awesome thriller books.. :-)

God bless ya,
Jo

Traumatised

I just had my supposedly easiest subject. Macroeconomics. -_-

Oh well, hopefully Micro pulls it up. A LOT. I need an A for Econs. Of all subjects to disastrousize!

Mmm. I thought I'll be happy as it draws to the end.

I'm just getting more frustrated with each passing paper. Dunno why trials was such a breeze. :-(

STPM, home, life.. I feel myself being torn apart. FAR apart.

But, God has a hand in everything. I really don't know what He's trying to do, I really really don't know.. I think it may be extremely painful in the process, but I'll trust in Him. :-) (He's not giving me much choice on this trust issue, actually.)

Off now, Business tomorrow..

God bless,
Jo

Pondering...

What causes one to grow up? To mature mentally, spiritually, and emotionally?

Physically yes, everyone grows up, unless you face some sort of condition.

But in other aspects?

Me thinks, it's the experiences and problems and obstacles and everything bad that causes us to grow up.

Really.. being happy all the time just stunts one's growth. That's what I think, anyway. :-)

Ok, I'm supposed to be pondering over STPM stuff, not such irrelevant questions. Hahaha!

God bless,
Jo

Thank you God...

That I made it through today. I've never dreaded and yet hoped that such a day would be over as much as today.

=)

End of week 1

I have never, ever, ever ever ever ever ever ever ever worked SOOOOO freaking hard in my whole entire life before than the past few days.

It was like, STUDY STUDY STUDY STUDY eat STUDY STUDY STUDY STUDY exam exam exam STUDY STUDY STUDY sleep STUDY STUDY STUDY STUDY.

-_-

So so so torturous. Really! To date I've finished 1.5 ball point pens. :-) Which is good.. right? At least I didn't sit down and cry during the exam. Haha.

But the papers haven't been too good, tough. Way tougher than school exams, that's for sure. Don't trust school exams! Not Taman Sea's, anyway.

I've not studied since after today's paper(Business 1), hafta start again after this. This many hours break could cost me a lot. *sigh*

And I've got blisters on my fingers. It's really agony, to force yourself to write and write non-stop for 3 hours, 4 days in a row. Your hand is screaming "STOP!" but your brain tells you to go on, time is ticking away. I've got 2 3 hour papers this coming Monday.. don't know how my hand will survive. Lol.

I have finally understood the meaning of STPM. :-( By the 2nd day this week, after a disheartening History paper, I was wondering how I would make it through. But somehow, with God's grace, I'm.. well, sitting here now.

If uni life is as tough as the past few days, I'm dropping out. haha. Imagine if you miss out one tiny part in your book, it comes out for your exam.. and is worth 25% of that paper. Sit there and cry lah. Haha. It's that fear that drives me to keep keep going, every extra minute of studying puts in some input that may just be in the exam paper. (No, I really really don't believe in spotting, it has never worked for me. Hahaha, in fact, if you wanna know what's coming out, just ask me which part I didn't study. Half the time the very tiny section I choose to ignore comes out. =P)

Ok, that's a rant for week 1. :-) I'm not even halfway through yet, another 4 papers next week, but, I'll survive. Right?

God bless ya,
Jo

I wonder..

What would happen if I discuss about the Oedipus Complex in today's English Lit. paper? Hahahaha. How open-minded are our M'sian examiners?

2nd paper done, was tough, didn't expect them to ask on China's military organisation, focused more on Roman and Greek's military, didn't expect them to ask on Majapahit, I woulda preferred Ancient Egypt/Mesopotamia/Indus etc, but hey, it's an exam. -_-

Oh well. 8 more papers, will try to survive till the 9th of Dec. After that I'll be hibernating for a few days, me thinks.

God bless!
Jo

=)

So excited.

STPM's gonna end so so so soon! :-)

Hehehe.

I'm surrounded by stressed-up people lah. -_- And and I can't seem to feel the stress. *sigh* No drive to study non-stop.

One friend told me, "God must hate me. I only go to Him for help." Well, just keep going strong in our Lord, friend, even after STPM.. :-) A strong, close relationship with Him is an awesome one!

I'm putting on so so so much weight lah. -_- No exercise, eating non-stop.. *sigh*

Bro's coming home! How to study after that? =)

And and and.

Today during some assembly where the teachers give their speeches to 'motivate' us STPM and SPM'ers, I wanted to study a bit, so I went out of sight of the teachers. They were standing on the 1st floor looking down at us you see, so I just went underneath them. Then then, suddenly, "Joanne, Joanne!" I looked around. "Up here. This is the voice of God speaking from above."

-_-

HAHAHAHAHA. It was one of my favourite teachers laughing at me.. from above. She must have seen me going out of sight. =)

Hehe. Love most of my teachers loads. :-) Can talk to them about anything. And they are such fun. The ones I like, I mean. There are some out there I beh tahan, but the ones who don't emphasise on a distinct line between student and teacher I like.

I remember one time last year, when a discipline teacher, but a very nice one, was talking to me. She just took a chair and sat down in front of me talking to me about.. stuff lah. And I was SMSing some friends before that, so while she was talking I was so so worried my phone would vibrate(in my desk). But it didn't. :-)

Anyway, I'll miss my teachers when I leave school, but I won't miss school. Hehe. Comes a time when one just has to move on lah, and school rules/regulations is just plain incongruous with one.

God bless,
Jo

:-(

I've been having these bad tummyaches after meals lately. I don't know why. When it started I thought it was because I overate. So I watched what I ate every meal after that, but it still results in stomachaches.

*sigh*

Used to have this problem when I was young, up to about standard 6? But it went away and never came back.. till the past few days.

I spent some days lying down because it's so bad. :-( And I'm suppose to be studying, not stomach aching. :-(

Gotta be wise about my food now though. I think it's because I stopped eating 'unhealthy' food for quite a while, many months? and one day caved in to temptation and stuffed myself with Ramli burgers and fried oysters and everything else.

*In pain now*

On the other hand, God is awesome awesome awesome!

I asked Him for something. And... I got it! :-) Like, awesome. Better than expected. Hehehehe. The way Solomon asked for wisdom.. :-)

Of course, He's always awesome. :-) Love Him so so much!

God bless ya,
Jo

Pondering...

Had a relatively stressful day yesterday, with all sorts of things piling up. And most unfortunately, STPM wasn't part of the stress pile. Oh well.

And it was dad's birthday yesterday! Sadly we didn't do anything, mum was busy with some meeting and school dinner, I was.. what was I doing, actually? I had guitar class.. a lot of sleep time (I tend to sleep a lot when I'm stressed I think, helps to wile away plenty of time). Then I was so stressed up I wanted to go for prayer in church (it helps oh-so-much!). But even then I had to find dinner for dad, ended up ordering pizza since he wanted it. And I thought I'd wait for it to arrive and pay for it etc before leaving for church, but PIZZA HUT WAS LATE. They came after 50 mins! Not the usual 30 mins. Left the payment and collecting of pizza to dad after pacing around waiting for it to arrive for so long. Cancelling that order would have meant I'd need to find some other kind of food, so I didn't.

My sincerest apologies for rambling.

Anyway, I've been thinking a lot about faith lately, particularly, the Christian faith.

Do we (2nd generation of Christians onwards) hold on to real faith? Or do we hold on to our PARENTS' faith?

When I talk to many Christians, most of what they utter about Christianity is stuff that has been indoctrinated into them. Never once have they thought to question their faith. Which, of course, is not good. When trials and temptations come, such blind faith, merely imitating all we've been taught, will crumble.

Thinking aloud now.. bear with me. This is mostly to do with Pentecostalism, the faith I grew up with.


Which part of the Bible tells us we cannot drink wine?

Which part says we cannot smoke?

Which part says no gambling?

Which part says about being slain in the Spirit?

The list goes on and on.

Truthfully, I cannot seem to find Bible verses that tell me about the questions I've mentioned.

If smoking is so evil because it can destroy our body.. isn't eating unhealthily, leading a sedentary lifestyle just as dangerous? Why do Christians abhor smoking, and yet find other ways to destroy our bodies? Do we have a right to condemn smokers if we ourselves our destroying our bodies in other ways??

To us 2nd generation Christians (onwards), the Holy Spirit, God, and Jesus-the 3 in 1 concept is accepted unquestioningly. Which is why it's good to talk to new believers, or non-believers about such things. They tend to ask questions which force us to think, and oftentimes, we find ourselves answerless. Of course, there is the argument that a too-intellectual faith is dangerous. But if we were to blindly memorise and recite all we learn without actually thinking about them, that renders us no better than.. than some other type of faith.

Why did Jesus teach us to forgive, and yet the Bible also speaks about 'an eye for an eye'?

It's time to let go of blind faith, and to embrace genuine faith in our Lord Jesus Christ. :-)

Oh man. I'm supposed to be studying, not pondering over such things. Growing up is toooough! But I enjoy it. :-)

God bless ya,
Jo