A lot's been on my mind lately.
But that's nothing new lah. The day I stop thinking is the day I cease to be Joanne. :-)
Anyway, yeah, so plenty has been on my mind, about this and that, this and that.
I was just looking through my old school's recent lower 6 orientation... and mmm I feel old. Juniors whom I don't know well because they were too young back then are now in form 6! -__-
Thoughts on how back then, I prepared my uniform for form 6 (prefect uniform, old one. Didn't buy a new one cause I wasn't staying on form 6). How I just wanted to go to school and enjoy my friends before I bid farewell to them. And then I overslept. LOL. Decided not to attend form 6 in the end because I thought being one day late for registration would be a big hassle to the school and they would be irritated when they knew I was gonna leave form 6 when the time came anyway. How Jess looked for me in school that day because I had promised to be her "Arts stream friend" (She was from Science, all along she wanted Arts but FFKed me in the end when she decided to do Science in SPM and change later on) but couldn't find me, found out from Prarthi that I had received my JPA scholarship and therefore was not coming to school. But I really did mean to attend school on that day, I did!
The blogpost is all here: http://joannetmj.blogspot.com/2008/05/latest-update.html (I had pretty poor English back then. Still plenty to improve now.)
Anyway, yeah, just looking back at everything. Form 6 was never on my mind, especially not in SMK Taman SEA because I grew to detest the rules and laws and rigid military structure they imposed upon the students. By form 4, I was ready to fly (partly because I was stuck with a bunch of classmates who couldn't care less about their future - now so many of them are mothers / fathers. Shot-gun marriages.) away from the system that completely stifled me, forced me to answer questions their way, forced me to do this and that. I think, I was pretty close to resigning as a prefect, and bordered on the "useless but cannot be sacked" kind of prefect. Cause I did EXACTLY as I was supposed to, nothing more.
All this, in retrospect of course.
But I had found my purpose the day I saw the ad in the newspaper, our Ministry of Education offering scholarships to study Special Education in UK. My passion, and something that is not offered in Malaysia. I'm the kind of person that you can't faze once I've set my target on a goal.. so worked towards it I did. Joined every freaking club and sport and whatever I could get to get solid koko marks. I joined about 7 societies all together, held posts in nearly all.. or all. Can't recall. Badminton, running, athletics. Studies, worked hard, decided to take 12 subjects. I've been used to hard work since young, I used to be so involved in everything that I was hardly at home. I was (and still am) stubbornly independent, and took the LRT/bus/bicycle/bus 11 nearly everywhere. Walking to SS2 back then was a pretty easy task.. now I'll call you MAD if you do it from my place. Lol. But how that Special Ed dream crumbled when the following year, they opened that scholarship only to Science students instead of both streams. How I went into depression for a short while, before picking myself up and deciding on TESL in UK instead.
(I've never had the idea that my family would pay for my education. That's why I had to look for courses I had scholarships attached to it. Not that they could afford an overseas education anyway. No scholarship, no study. This I hold with me up to today... I hope that my kids someday have the luxury of choosing courses they want in the universities of their choice. Having been through a few scholarships that simply force you to give in to their demands, I think a person's biggest luxury is to be able to choose, without having to sign contracts promising this and that blabla.)
Met online friends and got them to fetch me for badminton if the place was too far. Looking back, that was a completely STUPID thing to do for a young girl, and those were men. But every kid needs a way of rebelling, and that was my own stupid way I guess. No harm ever came to me, no worries. They ended up being good friends.
If you're avid followers of my blog, you'll know that I eventually got an A for koko and got my straight 12 A1s. And blablabla hmm. I was so darn excited to fly from the nest, leave home, start a career, start being me, myself, and I.
So that brings us to... where am I today?
I'm now in University of Malaya, one of Malaysia's most prestigious universities. But definitely NOT my target back then. Staying at home. Back then, I was targeting Ivy Leagues, Group of Eights, top unis in the world. Unis like Oxford, Cambridge, Harvard... not impossible to get in. I've got friends going in and coming out of them, so I know it's not impossible.
Was talking to a friend in NUS, she called herself a jaguh kampung in SMK Taman Sea. We had a jolly good time criticizing our former school.
Then I told her, heck, unlike her I'm still stuck as a jaguh kampung in UM. Haha. *sarcastic laugh*
Big fish in a small pond or small fish in a big pond?
That's always been a question I've struggled to answer.
But looking back at everything, my hopes, dreams, ambitions back then, I'm not utterly destroyed that I'm such a failure.
On the contrary, actually. I am very happy to be where I am now, I'm happy to be home, I'm happy with my coursemates, and I'm happy to be in UM.
Of course, if all that had not happened, I would never have known Joash. And I think that's about the one thing I'm really, truly grateful for. :-) (But I won't get all lovey-dovey here, Andrea! I'm toning this down for you! =P)
So where am I now?
I'm home. Right where my heart is, metaphorically, physically.
I'm not gonna gripe about my past because as I told Joash recently, it is our past that makes us who we are today. The decisions we make today will affect our tomorrows. And I think this is something every young person, students especially need to realise. It's devastating that our system forces 17 year olds to make humongous decisions that will affect their entire future and life, but it's something we have to live with.
3.08am. Verbal diarrhea today!
With lotsa love,
Jo
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