Think think think think tank think tank think

The body's been acting up lately. Acting up in ways I can't control. Erratic sleep cycles, horrible nightmares (I had such a weird, peculiar & terrifying nightmare this afternoon that I myself can't believe it) and generally just the ability to sit around and do completely, absolutely nothing. Haha I'm not usually like that.

I'm even bringing my dad back to life in my dreams and in my dreams I know that he is supposed to be dead, so in my dreams I'm just waiting for him to stop walking around happily and to just die. -__- It's a horrible existence, to know that the beloved man whom you see walking around is going to die and you  can't do anything about it. Vivid dreams...

According to my personality I sleep a lot when I'm stressed. Haha, what a weird personality trait eh? According to the DISC test, I have a 'S' personality. That pretty much makes me a loser and a victim when I'm at my weakest, and a peacemaker when I'm at my best. -__-

I supposedly don't work well under pressure and detest deadlines (who LIKES deadlines??) and will avoid conflict at all costs. Which is true, but then again, who likes conflicts?? Lol maybe other personalities don't fear conflicts as much as I do. It gives me a horrible dread in my stomach and I can't sleep.. My personality also states that I hate confrontations and cannot handle them well, friendly discussions work 100X better. I'm supposed to be a 'good listener' but I think I'm a horrible one. Haha.

I think the worst part about my personality is that I desire and thrive on steadiness and stability around me, and everyone knows that that is just not possible in this mean, modern world.

Personalities can change, and I think I'm changing. Hmmm. I think I'm developing a temper and I no longer help people as I did before. I still detest conflicts and confrontations and fear them with all my heart but I think most other people do too, so I'm not complaining.

After form 5, my school friends were talking about careers and what to work as etc. Then this friend said, "Aiyah we all think about money money and work work but Joanne will think of all the social work she can do in this world." Haha, looking back, that's how they perceived me. Which is pretty true, I had big dreams of helping the special children and the poor and ostracised people in this world. Somehow I lost that love for people... I haven't even once joined any social work service in UM although there are so so so many opportunities (reading to the blind, assisting them in activities etc). And I'm entering my THIRD year! I think I've become so hardened with life that I no longer feel like such people deserve help. My heart used to break when I worked with the Down Syndrome kids... now I don't even think about them anymore.

Gosh, maybe I'm just developing an evil personality.

Hahaha.

3.10am.