Daddy, you can let go now..

Crystal Shawanda's..



Except that my dad would never give me away at the aisle and I never told him he could let go on his death bed. Because I simply couldn't find the courage to tell him that. I've always been a coward and always will be I guess.

People tell me that they can never be like me, having the courage to go through what I did. Yeah trust me, back then it seemed like a horrid nightmare that you only read about in the papers.

But once it happens to you, you find that it just happens and there is nothing you can do about it except to wait for it to pass. Like my bro and I were talking about recently, he said people will always ask how you do it. Truth is, once it happens to you it's just something you have to endure, and it becomes yet another fact of life for you. Nothing courageous, nothing brave about surviving it because you didn't have to do anything. The only thing you can do is to commit suicide, and if avoiding suicide is considered courageous then I have nothing further to say.

Life's been a jumbled mess lately. Barely get enough sleep these days. Working my butt off giving tuition every single day before it stops for a few months. Worst thing about tuition is you still have to sit down and face your students and smile and teach them as properly as you can even when there's a storm going on in the inside of you. My music teachers used to release their stress on me when they were like that, and I vow never to let that happen to my preciously innocent students. I remember trembling when they started snapping about my mistakes and the mistakes would increase as my fear rose more and more.

Haha, can't wait till I've earned the right to be told "you can let go now"!

To another sleepless night.