"Are you sad?"

That's what someone asked me when we talked about my dad.

"No, actually, I'm ecstatic."

I give up lah.

Dunno whether to laugh or cry at that question.

Another question that riles me is, "Is your dad okay now? Can he walk around now?"

Look, if a miracle has happened, I'll let the whole world know.

The ex-members have been calling us up and declaring their 'love' for us after a whole year of silence. I don't know what kinda volatile love they seem to possess, but it's surely not the kinda love Christ has.

I still wished I'd grew up in a normal church. Haih. Nothing like an experience in a cult to make one bitter.

I thought it was all dead and gone and behind me, until they suddenly seem to be calling and appearing from nowhere. They seem to know everything about us, and I get an uncomfortable feeling about that. I'm glad they know I got 5 A's though, just to let them know that God did not forsake me when I decided to leave them.

I'll have to do a study on the true meaning of 'forgive'. Forgiving and forgetting definitely does not exist. But does forgiving mean I allow them to intrude back into our lives, and report everything that goes on back to him?

These people are wearing me out and hardening me. The next time they show up at my gate, I'm not letting them in. It's stressful for my mom and I, so why allow them in? Besides, I've been labelled a rebel in their eyes, may as well live up to it. ;-)

I sound frustrated, I know. I am. I hate it when the past which I've worked dog-hard to bury suddenly comes alive again, in the form of zombies.

I love you.. I miss you.. My FOOT lah.

You may still be reading my blog, I don't know. For all I know, this blog could be feeding you all the information that you seem to possess about my life. Please, just leave us alone, k? I don't know what you want, and I don't need to know either. Live with the fact that people who leave MT are all growing and maturing (though nursing hurts and bitter hearts may not be easy, I know we'll eventually recover from it).

On a happier note, I played basketball for the first time in my life today. hehehe. I felt remarkably short! Ah well. Haha. Good exercise though, but I'm not aggressive enough lah. Truthfully, give me a non-body-contact sport anyday. Haha. My body ain't meant for the physical brutality these team sports seem to require.

God bless ya,
Jo

STPM results

:-) :):):):):):):)

3 A (Lit, PA, Business), 2 A-(Econs, History). To make it sound nicer, 5 As! =P

I was surprised I got an A- for Econs as it was one of my strongest subject + easiest in STPM, goes to show that the standard in STPM is a don't play play standard. Haha.

On the other hand, it was a pleasant surprise that I managed to get an A for Business (my Achilles tendon) and an A- for History (after the disastrous exam).

All glory to God, it was really, really, an uphill battle in the midst of STPM, with dad being hospitalised and all. Without Him...

Nearly every phone call that came today asked for results, and at the same time, about my dad. So it was good news + not-so-good news.

But my dad was really happy to hear my results! :-) He wasn't hallucinating today, so he smiled. :) Feel so happy for him.

Thank you, God.

White flag

I've got so so so so many things to think about that I'm completely utterly absolutely stressed! Ignore the tautologies please.

Can't focus either. Sigh.

Demons from the past seem to be popping out from nowhere, and it's causing me undue stress. :-(

The sheer hypocriticalness of people whom I used to love shall never cease to astonish me.

Bah. Who needs them.

Would you believe it, my mom forgot that my results would be out today, and my bro didn't even KNOW until a few hours ago that STPM would be out on the 25th Feb.

And to imagine that results used to be a source of anticipation for my family. Haih. So much has changed in so short a time.

My aunt was diagnosed with multiple myeloma(MM) today(yesterday? it's past 12 midnight). She's my dad's brother's wife. My uncle always comes to take care of my dad, his lil' bro mah. Now... he'll have to take care of his wife.

In addition, the prognosis for MM is not good, and there is no cure for it, only trying to keep it under control.

I don't know about life lah. :-(

I'm too young for this pile of crap.

Sorry about my crude language.

It'll be good to return to my heavenly home. But to go first would be completely selfish to my dear family.

I'm tired of thinking. -_-

I give up lah.

Dad, see the white flag I'm waving? I'm asking for a truce, please? One thing at a time, okay?

Heartbroken

Heartache :-(

I found a new scratch/dent on my lovely (classical) guitar today. I always, always check its beyooootiful body, and all along there has been this tiny, tiny, scratch/dent on it that's unnoticeable unless you look at it at a certain angle. But the one I discovered today was obvious, and I can see it from a meter away! :'-(

I'm not sure how it came about, probably when I handled it carelessly just one time because I wanted to carry it with a lot of other things. :-( I felt so so frustrated and angry over it (and myself) as I played it.

Haih. I'm really sad over it, everytime I see it I touch the dent, hoping it really isn't there.

Ok, I'm being dramatic. But it's true, I'm really, genuinely upset over it. My beloved has been permanently damaged. :-(

My guitar exam is in Bukit Bintang.. I have no idea how to reach there by car. But I will need to drive, since I'll be bringing my guitar along.

Before I've even taken my first-ever guitar exam, my teacher is asking me if I want to take a higher grade exam after this exam! Talk about palpitations. Back in those piano-exam days, I used to begin preparing for an exam about 6-8 months before the actual exam. Now I've barely been given 3 months to prepare for my guitar exam, with so many new things to learn. Just when I thought I've gotten a hang of an exam piece, my teacher adds in new styles/techniques to make the piece more 'interesting'. Then my playing becomes all 'stucky' again and I've got to painstakingly work on mastering seemingly impossible techniques till they become smooth again. -_-

Haha, I love the guitar though. :-)

I must admit I enjoy playing the piano, but my piano teacher is treating me like... a grade 6 student. Which is tough, especially for the theory part, because at times I find my brain scrambling to catch on what he's attempting to teach me. Tonic, supertonic.. I think they are basic theory stuff, but I've left that all behind. The only reason why I'm managing to (vaguely) understand the theory he's teaching me is due to the good ol' guitar. Hahaha. We're doing chords now you see, so at least I can easily identify chords on the piano. Bring in words like subdominant, dominant, 1st position, etc etc and that's when the brain scrambles to dig through its historical archives.

Still, I believe it'll take time to refresh this rusty brain of mine, and who knows, I may someday love the piano as much as I love my guitar. :-)

Ok, it's a verbal diarrhoea post today, just felt like blogging. :-) Forgive me if you knoweth not a thing about the music mumbo-jumbo I posted, but hey, it's my blog. =D

God bless ya,
Jo

Agitated

Feeling a bit stressed up now.

STPM results will be coming out this Thursday, 25th Feb.

Just found out my guitar exam will be on the 31st of March. -_-

Haha, put this combination together and I'm having so many butterflies in my stomach I can hardly sit still.

God bless,
Jo

2 Deaths..

According to Rhys' Wide Sargasso Sea, there are always 2 deaths. The real one, and the one everyone knows about.

I always thought I understood it, but now I really think I understand it.

Lagrima (Teardrops)

I learnt to play a new song today. On the classical guitar. :-) Lagrima, by Francisco Tarrega. It's such a simple, and yet lovely song.

Haha, I spent so much time learning it, painstakingly. It's not altogether fluent yet, needs a few more hours of practice, but it's just such a lovely song.

I'm supposed to be practicing my exam pieces.. but I heard this song on youtube and just had to learn it up. Precious hours that were supposed to be spent on my exam pieces were instead invested into this sad, yet lovely song.

But I feel happy. Hehe. I'm indeed beginning to really enjoy playing the classical guitar as I find my left-hand's index finger becoming stronger and stronger as I barre with my other fingers in all sorts of positions.

First time in my whole life I stayed back in PJ during CNY. I was astounded when I saw the empty roads and closed shops, it's a sight I've never seen before in my area.

It's been an okay day.

God bless ya,
Jo

The more I ponder over it...

The more I feel like studying English Literature. To study novels, plays, poems, etc. would be something I really, really, really enjoy. -_-

Most unfortunately, however, I am also a fairly pragmatic person.

In terms of human capital, I'll be a more useful citizen if I take up Law or Economics, or even Business.

SIGH.

Not to mention that scholarships are offered for Law, Economics, Business, and other more 'useful' subjects. English Literature on the other hand...

Head vs. Heart. Logic vs. Emotion. Practicality vs. Desire.

haha, never imagined I'll be stuck in such a rut. I've (usually) always followed my heart/emotions/desires before this. Taman SEA over Sri Aman(better school), badminton over squash(way easier to win competitions), Arts stream over Science stream, TESL over Law(so many called me stupid over this), home over UK(I was either labelled noble or stupid-most times it was the latter)...

Back then, however, it wasn't so close to the 'final decision'. Now I'm so close to the end of my studying life, it's gotta be the 'right' one.

It's not as if I get some kinda high from 'swimming against the tide'. It's just that I'm not a conventional person who desires to follow a conventional path.

Question is, would taking up a conventional path be more rewarding in the end?

Listless...

Feeling lazy and unmovable lately. Mmm. Have not played badminton in weeks despite getting invites from here and there. Just feel.. lazy?

Before I started posting this entry, I was just sitting around doing nothing. As in, NOTHING. Staring into the wall. Mom commented that she has never seen me doing absolutely nothing before. Hahaha. So I decided to blog. :-)

Nothing to blog about though. So this post is effectively a complete waste of time. LOL.

God bless,
Jo

Tears

Had a fairly traumatic day yesterday. My grandparents were brought up to visit dad, and my grandma cried (not in front of dad, of course) after seeing him. :-( Haih, I felt so so sad when I saw her sobbing. To live through the Japanese Occupation (and running/hiding from the Japanese), to lead a tough, poverty-stricken life, to be practically a full-time nurse to her husband, to watch her son being stricken with cancer.. Life has already been so bitter towards her.. It's the nightmare of every parent, to have the thought of having to bury your child. -_-

Then on the journey back to Malacca, after she was done with sobbing, she was ok.. for a while. Then we were caught in a 1 hour traffic jam along a 30km stretch, she felt so nauseous she threw up. She just closed her eyes and went 'aiyah....' for the rest of the journey.

Talk about feeling completely helpless! Wish I had some sort of way to elevate her physical, mental, and emotional distress yesterday. But..

I really really wish I have the ability to shelter her from all the pain, leave pain to us younger ones to handle. It's our turn.. can't we give these people in their twilight years a break from life's turmoils?? I get ever so frustrated thinking about it. There's something utterly wrong with this world when an 80 year old woman sobs her heart out. :-(

To top yesterday off, I couldn't sleep till about 6am! I don't know why. And got up by 7am. Had to drive home at 9.30am. Haha, anyway, I reached PJ in one piece.. and record time. ;-) Took about 1 hour 20 mins. Not too bad. :-D

I'm off now.

God bless ya,
Jo

P.S. I know the last 2 sentences' mood seem incongruous with the somber tone of the earlier paragraphs. Reflects my state of mind?

Motionless

I just feel like lying down in bed and not moving till... till I feel like moving again.

Unfortunately, that only happens in an ideal world. In this world, when you really NEED that kind of break, it's when you need to move the most.

I'm not making sense. In time to come, perhaps it'll make sense.

Went for a 'trial piano class' today.

When my teacher asked when was the last time I played the piano, I told him I'd just played yesterday, but not classical playing lah. Haha. Then he started talking about some beats and quavers and crotchet notes and blablabla. Seeing I've totally abandoned theory 5 years ago, it took me a while to comprehend all he was saying. Then he asked me what beat/something like that I played yesterday, as an accompaniment. He looked fairly puzzled when I said, "Bluff my way through lah..."

Like my guitar teacher, he too asked what made me quit piano lessons & exams 5 years ago. Hahaha. I simply told him I hated the piano. And said it could have been the teacher's fault. Which, in retrospect, could explain the 'disturbed' look on his face when he heard that. Mmm, perhaps it wasn't the wisest thing to say to a teacher I just met today. -__-

The monthly fees are exorbitant though, although I kinda expected it. Music lessons have never been cheap. Still.. to combine it with my classical guitar monthly fees.. *sigh*

However, I did save a lot by going to form 6, and after this, hopefully a local university (am hoping for a scholarship for whatever I study next, hehehe IF I do well enough), and I took minimal tuition(for subjects not offered in school) during my schooling days, so I suppose it isn't that bad.. (yea, I'm comforting myself.) Haha. I can simply quit both, or drop one instrument, but I really don't want to. I'm attempting to complete both to as high a level as I can, so that I'll always have the option of veering off from a 'traditional' career if I ever feel the need to. ;-)

Besides, I enjoy them. =)

Anyway, lately I've been pondering over what to study next. I think I've narrowed it down to Economics, Law, or English Literature.

Economics- Because I found it easy, and it'll be one of the most flexible degrees to find a job with. However, I keep reminding myself, I think I'll rather lecture than join the corporate world.. so do I really need such a 'flexible' qualification?

Law- Because while I'm not so sure how tough Economics can get(particularly MATH), I'm pretty sure I can do Law. Mugging's my middle name. ;-) However, I'm not entirely fond of speaking, and after talking to a couple of lawyers, I've been told that most types of lawyers have to speak well. I think I can speak, albeit precisely, without beating around the bush. But do I like talking a lot?

English Literature- Ah, my first love. The reason why I suffered through STPM taking 5 subjects, only to discover that UM changed their criteria for the course I aimed, and I need not have suffered 5 subjects! However, I do not regret taking English Literature, I think I'll still be given priority should I apply for this course. I have no doubt I'll enjoy this subject(no mugging, no math involved, just critical thinking).. hehe.

I know this subject gave me an extremely tough time during STPM, but that was because I paid so much attention to other subjects, and was rather last minute with it. Particularly because no mugging was involved, so I could just read through a synopsis and discuss it in an exam. Hahaha. But towards the end I realised I needed to do more than that if I wanted an A. Oh well.

Seems easy, right? I should just take up Eng. Lit. without further ado. My heart would love it. My head, however, screams, 'LOGIC! LOGIC!' If I can qualify for a 'better' course like Economics, Law, or even Business, why am I taking this course up?? The job scope is definitely the narrowest if you compare it to others.

But.. head vs. heart. Haih.

I'll pray over it. ;-) And wait for STPM results to come out. Hehe. And see...

God bless,
Jo

-_-

My cousin called me up today to give me a briefing on funeral arrangements 'when the time comes'. My assurances such as "Don't worry lah I know blabla.." didn't assure her. *groans*

Still, one sentence of hers stuck in my head, "Now is not the time for tears. Save the tears for later, now is the time to be strong."

How true. :-)

Played piano for the Powerkids/Sunday School worship today, talk about being thrown into the deep end! I only found out yesterday that I was expected to play today. Haha, no time to even absorb the shock. (Up to today, I've never, ever, ever played with other instruments, much less for a whole group of people to sing!)

Haha, I survived though, with a bit of bluffing and a lot of chord-playing, plus a plea to the guitarist to strum extra loud. LOL. And of course, PRAYER. ;-)

God bless ya,
Jo

Classical Guitar...

I've been taking lessons for almost 2 years now. And today my teacher decided to teach me the 'classical guitar position' because I'll need it for my upcoming grade 4 exam. (Which is pretty soon, I think. He's not telling me when. -_-)

It's an awful position. With 'kang kang legs' and straight back, it's a sure way to horrible backaches. LOL. My teacher warned me about the backache I would get. When I asked, "Why torture ourselves then??" he simply told me I'd be given the boot if I walked in and played the way I've been playing all along. (Haha, that didn't answer my question, then again, that's the way we Malaysians accept things.)

Oh, and I think I'm gonna take up the piano again. ;-) I think I should just finish it off. (With a better teacher, this time.)

I think I'm just gonna enjoy sports now, and go for training in Nusa Mahsuri only if I cannot find people to play/exercise with. No point in improving any sport now, I'll concentrate on guitar and piano. :-)

God bless,
Jo

Noooooo

Lol I got a band 5 AGAIN.

Sigh.

My marks cannot be any better than the last time since I missed band 6 by 1 mark the last time.

Oh well.

Doesn't matter, just bad for my ego. :-(

Hehe, had a good time in Malacca. :-)

God bless,
Jo

Ooops.

I just realised my birthday isn't this Monday..

Hahaha. I kept thinking it was this Monday.

Oh well. =P

Good, tiring day. :-)

Woke up at 7.20am, debated with myself whether to go for training or not for 15 minutes. Decided to go because I'd already promised a friend I'd go, although I was exhausted because I couldn't sleep well last night.

Hahaha. Training was... GAH. It was really, really, exhausting. I've not trained for a 1 year plus, and to suddenly plunge back into that regime was exhausting. Nevertheless, I'm feeling healthier. :-D

After that I was stuck in a stand-still traffic jam. Put me in such a bad mood, I tell you. As it was, I was driving my manual car, with a not-so-easy-to-press clutch, and traffic was at a standstill! I couldn't return home through other ways because of ALL the gated community nonsense.

I already had to counter a jam on the way to training, and had to get lost looking for the sports complex, then I had an exhausting session, then I was stuck in a jam for 1 hour. 1 FREAKING hour!

But, I made it through. Haha. Although my left leg was quite, quite numb after all that. (You try training 2.5 hours then getting stuck in a manual car for 1 hour! The ultimate way to kill your left leg off.)

But, it was a good day. :-)

Went to feed fish with my feet :-) Hahaha, so enjoyable. =P

Then had dinner with church peeps. Then prayer meet. Then mamak. Then went to watch some people play mahjong. (I had no idea what was going on. Something about humans=animals.)

And dad wants to go OUT to eat roti canai tomorrow(today)! =D hahaha. Ah, the lil' joys in life.

Off to zzz now,

God bless,
Jo

Desa Parkcity

This guy called Brandon has the weirdest cravings ever. Since he's leaving for the US tonight, the youth decided to indulge in some of these weird cravings last night.

Tai chow.. Fried food, like fried rice, dunno-what-all-the-chinese-funny-name-food lah etc. So we had dinner there.

Then at about 9.15pm, he decides we should go to Desa Parkcity.

That's when my horrid night began.

LOL. That place has gadgets in its playground that were beyond my wildest dreams. Sure, it was fun. At first. But by the final 'ride' I started to feel nauseous. Hahahaha. It felt like a journey up/down Cameron Highlands. And to imagine I still had to DRIVE HOME that night. -_-

I came home and just laid down for a good long while. =P

Haha. Of weird cravings...

Neway, yeah, that's that.

I'm up at 7.26am!!! to send parents to hospital for check-up.

Oh, and just realised, first day of school for school kids! ;-)

God bless,
Jo

=)

Just spent half a day with the pilot-CP! and her 2 siblings.

Hehe.

How much we've grown up. From rushing to catch the free 1 U bus in form 1 to driving, with our P's nearly expiring now.

I feel old now. =P

From fighting over girlish things(I think??) to fighting over career options (and dangerous driving).

hahaha.

Aye, we're old.

God bless,
Jo

Happy New Year!!! :-)

Ok, I'm a tad late, but anyway, happy new year! :-D

Been busy the past few days, coming home at 2+am the past 2 days. But it's good. :-)

It's my parents 28th(I think) wedding anniversary today. Hehe. Can you imagine being married for so long??

I've absolutely no idea what 2010 has in store for me, I think some things won't be good, but I'll continue to keep trusting in God. It's my final teen year, though I think there's not much difference lah.. 18, 19, 20.. same right? Okay, 21 I can enter a casino..

Anyway, another year has gone. Suffice to say I thought 2009 was an extremely traumatic year with few highs and plenty of downs. But through it all I've grown so so much, mentally and spiritually. Physically.. er.. maybe horizontally, yeah. =P Many a times we don't know why our lives go through such horrifying battles, but everything has shaped us, and made us who we are. I'm a different person from last year's 2nd Jan, and I was a different person on the 2nd of Jan 2008.

Next year I may be a different person too.

But one fact remains.

I'm a beloved child of God and He is one awesome Dad. :-)

God bless ya,
Jo