*Sigh*
I just realised, I complete blew January and February. Blew it in the sense that I used various excuses to make myself so busy I simply had hardly any time to get closer to God, to love others..
Let's be honest. I'm wrapped in a cocoon in class nowadays. I simply find it tough to mingle with my classmates who have a complete different mindset from me. Plus I am constantly playing catch-up in class so I don't have much time to mix around anyway.
But is my purpose in form 6, my final year in school as a student, just to study?
Today, during CF, I realised how infrequently I've attended CF meetings. Sure, I can blame it on MSSD, MSSS... but those were MY choices, weren't they? I could have tried so much harder to attend CF meetings, however exhausted I may have been. Could have made more effort to get to know my classmates better.
I'm trying, really. Only I don't know how long I can last. I slept at 3am last night, due to.. well, being a procrastinator I only started on my homework at 11.30pm, and didn't realise it would take so many hours. So effectively I'm surviving on 3 hours of sleep right now.
It's tiring, really. My priority should be God, but.. as Paul said, Romans 7:15 - For what I am doing, I do not understand. For what I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do.
It's really the case for me. If you talk to me, you'll be able to find out all I WILL to do. But do I practice them? Practice, as in, doing it all the time, as a habit. Instead, things that I hate, things that I know I shouldn't be spending time on, I practice.
I'm.. well, I don't know what to do. I can't go back in time. I've but a few months left in SMK Taman SEA, however much I may complain it, I was placed here for a purpose. I don't want to blow it like January and February. I can only do my best in the remaining time I have left. Being given a second chance in this vast mission field, and I nearly missed the opportunity to do so.
Help me, Lord.
God bless,
Jo
Friday, February 27, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Sensitive issues...
A teacher of mine had this noble idea of giving my classmates a boost in their zest(or rather, lack of) for studying. She spent an entire hour lecturing us.. but touched(stamped?) on some issues that are sensitive to a few of us. She asked us to imagine losing our parents. Asked what would happen if either of our parents ever passed away.
Had a classmate who is going through some horrifying pain, pretty similar to the one I went through before, except that I had a much tighter reign over my emotions then as compared to her. Probably because people showed pity towards her, whereas people just avoided me. Needless to say, that very very untimely lecture on losing parents struck a chord in her..
A lil' insensitive on the teacher's part as she knows a bit about me, but considering I was reactionless towards everything she said, I can't blame her for going on. She didn't know about another student who was going through it today.. she thought her speech was so effective it evoked tears. *RIGHT* Who cares about studies when you're fighting for a life?
But yeah, I've realised lately that I've got to start working dog hard, however tough that may be these days. I need a place in the uni!
That aside, a teacher said that drowning a rat is a humane way of killing it. I disagreed. You suffer when you drown, no? I suggested chopping its head off. =) Life has ended before you realised it. If you stab the heart the brain may have time to register some pain before death. If you severe the brain from the heart, instant death! =D
Then again, what do I know. I'm an Arts student. Lol.
God bless,
Jo
Had a classmate who is going through some horrifying pain, pretty similar to the one I went through before, except that I had a much tighter reign over my emotions then as compared to her. Probably because people showed pity towards her, whereas people just avoided me. Needless to say, that very very untimely lecture on losing parents struck a chord in her..
A lil' insensitive on the teacher's part as she knows a bit about me, but considering I was reactionless towards everything she said, I can't blame her for going on. She didn't know about another student who was going through it today.. she thought her speech was so effective it evoked tears. *RIGHT* Who cares about studies when you're fighting for a life?
But yeah, I've realised lately that I've got to start working dog hard, however tough that may be these days. I need a place in the uni!
That aside, a teacher said that drowning a rat is a humane way of killing it. I disagreed. You suffer when you drown, no? I suggested chopping its head off. =) Life has ended before you realised it. If you stab the heart the brain may have time to register some pain before death. If you severe the brain from the heart, instant death! =D
Then again, what do I know. I'm an Arts student. Lol.
God bless,
Jo
Monday, February 23, 2009
NO HAIR COVERING YOUR EARS!!!
I think I'm gonna get really low grades in my testimonial this year. *sigh*
SMKTS is coming up with weirder, and weirder rules!
Today's new rule: For girls, your ears must be seen(Guys no need say lah). Unless you wear a headscarf/tudung...
I was speechless when I heard this.
Let's see. How did the argument in class go? *The Discipline Head has been accorded the honour of teaching my class, poor him*
"Teacher, why can't our hair cover our ears??"
"So you can hear clearly."
*Insert derogatory remarks*
"TUDUNG THEN HOW?? ASK THEM TO SHOW THEIR EARS LAH IF NOT THEY CANNOT HEAR PROPERLY!!!!"
As one who has obviously lost the battle but will never admit it, "You want to cover your ears, you wear tudung lah!"
Then my classmates asked him to provide us the rules on black and white. After all, the school has been creating too many new rules for us to keep up with. *You know the baju kurung has to be a certain length now?* The teacher's reply: "No need. You all listen during assembly when I read out the new rules."
"But we cannot remember all the rules!"
"That's why YOUR HAIR MUSN'T COVER YOUR EARS! Open your ears big big!"
"Forget then how? You all teachers simply catch us when we don't even know we're committing an offence!"
"Too bad lor."
Teacher babbled away again. And talked about the effect of warnings. SMKTS has this warning system that is so tedious I don't even know what it's all about, actually.
"So what is the effect when students receive warnings?"
Me: "Angry lor." Duh! Am I wrong? I would be angry if I received a warning about my unseen ear.
He stared at me. "Other than angry, what else?"
*Silence*
"KESALAHAN BERKURANG(Offences decrease) lah!"
Of course he was looking for this reply but which student in their right frame of mind would give him that answer?
And he went on to say, "Last time the fine for speeding was RM100. Now it's RM300. What's the effect?" and he looked at me, "Adakah rakyat semua marah dan mogok(Did the masses get angry and go on strike)? No, right? Kesalahan berkurang instead!"
Me, "But speeding is DANGEROUS! Why should we get angry over that?"
And this reply tops it all:
"EH, DANGEROUS WHAT IF YOUR HAIR COVERS YOUR EARS!"
*Speechless*
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Lesson of the day: If your hair covers your ears it's as dangerous as going 300km/h!
It's okay, there are many months more to debate with him. It's much more interesting to dig through a warped teacher's mind than to study Business anyhow.
God bless,
Jo
PS. Sorry for my ciplak Manglish, that's how we speak everyday. =D
SMKTS is coming up with weirder, and weirder rules!
Today's new rule: For girls, your ears must be seen(Guys no need say lah). Unless you wear a headscarf/tudung...
I was speechless when I heard this.
Let's see. How did the argument in class go? *The Discipline Head has been accorded the honour of teaching my class, poor him*
"Teacher, why can't our hair cover our ears??"
"So you can hear clearly."
*Insert derogatory remarks*
"TUDUNG THEN HOW?? ASK THEM TO SHOW THEIR EARS LAH IF NOT THEY CANNOT HEAR PROPERLY!!!!"
As one who has obviously lost the battle but will never admit it, "You want to cover your ears, you wear tudung lah!"
Then my classmates asked him to provide us the rules on black and white. After all, the school has been creating too many new rules for us to keep up with. *You know the baju kurung has to be a certain length now?* The teacher's reply: "No need. You all listen during assembly when I read out the new rules."
"But we cannot remember all the rules!"
"That's why YOUR HAIR MUSN'T COVER YOUR EARS! Open your ears big big!"
"Forget then how? You all teachers simply catch us when we don't even know we're committing an offence!"
"Too bad lor."
Teacher babbled away again. And talked about the effect of warnings. SMKTS has this warning system that is so tedious I don't even know what it's all about, actually.
"So what is the effect when students receive warnings?"
Me: "Angry lor." Duh! Am I wrong? I would be angry if I received a warning about my unseen ear.
He stared at me. "Other than angry, what else?"
*Silence*
"KESALAHAN BERKURANG(Offences decrease) lah!"
Of course he was looking for this reply but which student in their right frame of mind would give him that answer?
And he went on to say, "Last time the fine for speeding was RM100. Now it's RM300. What's the effect?" and he looked at me, "Adakah rakyat semua marah dan mogok(Did the masses get angry and go on strike)? No, right? Kesalahan berkurang instead!"
Me, "But speeding is DANGEROUS! Why should we get angry over that?"
And this reply tops it all:
"EH, DANGEROUS WHAT IF YOUR HAIR COVERS YOUR EARS!"
*Speechless*
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Lesson of the day: If your hair covers your ears it's as dangerous as going 300km/h!
It's okay, there are many months more to debate with him. It's much more interesting to dig through a warped teacher's mind than to study Business anyhow.
God bless,
Jo
PS. Sorry for my ciplak Manglish, that's how we speak everyday. =D
Sunday, February 22, 2009
=)
Well, sometimes things just overwhelm me, and I wonder how I'm ever gonna scrape through STPM at this rate.
Went to church, went for lunch, went for CF camp meeting, went for guitar class, went to 1 Utama, came back and intended to study, but the piano was calling me, just finished playing piano, and I decided to blog.
Which still leaves out the important part-studying. Which means I should be studying now, right?
*right*
I miss the kids in Kiwanis. =(
I miss...
Well, MSSS was fun, although ruined by politics and I lost, but hey, I enjoyed it. =)
I'm still disappointed and a bit disillusioned about things breaking apart, but I'm learning to accept it with numb feelings.
Matter of fact, these few months I've been living in a daze. It's as if my brain is clouded, I can't think clearly. Which is so not good for studies and understanding stuff. I think it's everything that has happened and is happening that is causing this hazy head of mine. It's NOT good for STPM. =(
Still, things are getting better *I think*, so my hazy head ought to clear real soon. =)
God bless,
Jo
Went to church, went for lunch, went for CF camp meeting, went for guitar class, went to 1 Utama, came back and intended to study, but the piano was calling me, just finished playing piano, and I decided to blog.
Which still leaves out the important part-studying. Which means I should be studying now, right?
*right*
I miss the kids in Kiwanis. =(
I miss...
Well, MSSS was fun, although ruined by politics and I lost, but hey, I enjoyed it. =)
I'm still disappointed and a bit disillusioned about things breaking apart, but I'm learning to accept it with numb feelings.
Matter of fact, these few months I've been living in a daze. It's as if my brain is clouded, I can't think clearly. Which is so not good for studies and understanding stuff. I think it's everything that has happened and is happening that is causing this hazy head of mine. It's NOT good for STPM. =(
Still, things are getting better *I think*, so my hazy head ought to clear real soon. =)
God bless,
Jo
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Till I'm back
from MSSS in a place called Hulu Langat...
Even the name itself sounds so ulu.
Oh well.
Not really looking forward to it, considering the circumstances. Truthfully, I get this not-good feeling in my tummy thinking about it. No, it's not nervousness. Because I expect to crash out in the 1st/2nd round anyway.
It's just... a feeling.
Till then, I'll be apart from my laptop. Don't want to bring along such an expensive thing.
God bless,
Jo
Even the name itself sounds so ulu.
Oh well.
Not really looking forward to it, considering the circumstances. Truthfully, I get this not-good feeling in my tummy thinking about it. No, it's not nervousness. Because I expect to crash out in the 1st/2nd round anyway.
It's just... a feeling.
Till then, I'll be apart from my laptop. Don't want to bring along such an expensive thing.
God bless,
Jo
Friday, February 13, 2009
Stresssss
Over nothing much.
That's the worst part.
I'm just worried over some MSSS paperwork.
I wish I can just play without worrying about paperwork, leave it to the teachers to handle everything. But nooooooooo, I've got to handle it all by myself. Which is 10 times harder because I go around chasing for signatures that teachers make me wait for simply because I am just a student, not a teacher. It's utterly exhausting you know, when you're sent from block to block, room to room, looking for various teachers who do not follow their timetables.. I went around the entire school looking for a teacher today until I finally heard that she was in the canteen.
Gah.
And then there's the political situation.
No, not in Perak.
In Petaling Utama district itself.
Politics is a DIRTY game, even at such a kuchi-brat level. I detest it. I've just seen how effective shoe-polishing/currying favour is. When someone who cannot play that well is given a spot over better players. Which I found utterly disgusting. I mean, I know if I'm not as good as others I'll be ASHAMED to take their rightful places.
The good thing is, I'm playing, not a substitute.
The bad thing is, my good friends have been hurt badly.
The worst thing is, I can't do anything about it.
The kind of school teachers we have these days really makes me disillusioned about the entire education system.
Don't get me wrong, I have some REALLY AWESOME teachers that make me feel like I ought to become a teacher just so I can help students the way they do.
But finding such good teachers is like trying to find a needle in the haystack nowadays.
I'm tired. :-(
And honestly speaking, not really looking forward to my first, and last, MSSS tournament. It's tiring, hectic, stressful.
Bleh. I've got less than 10 months to go as a schoolgirl. Can't wait to be done!
I'll miss my guitar during my few days in Hulu Langat(MSSS). :-(
God bless,
Jo
That's the worst part.
I'm just worried over some MSSS paperwork.
I wish I can just play without worrying about paperwork, leave it to the teachers to handle everything. But nooooooooo, I've got to handle it all by myself. Which is 10 times harder because I go around chasing for signatures that teachers make me wait for simply because I am just a student, not a teacher. It's utterly exhausting you know, when you're sent from block to block, room to room, looking for various teachers who do not follow their timetables.. I went around the entire school looking for a teacher today until I finally heard that she was in the canteen.
Gah.
And then there's the political situation.
No, not in Perak.
In Petaling Utama district itself.
Politics is a DIRTY game, even at such a kuchi-brat level. I detest it. I've just seen how effective shoe-polishing/currying favour is. When someone who cannot play that well is given a spot over better players. Which I found utterly disgusting. I mean, I know if I'm not as good as others I'll be ASHAMED to take their rightful places.
The good thing is, I'm playing, not a substitute.
The bad thing is, my good friends have been hurt badly.
The worst thing is, I can't do anything about it.
The kind of school teachers we have these days really makes me disillusioned about the entire education system.
Don't get me wrong, I have some REALLY AWESOME teachers that make me feel like I ought to become a teacher just so I can help students the way they do.
But finding such good teachers is like trying to find a needle in the haystack nowadays.
I'm tired. :-(
And honestly speaking, not really looking forward to my first, and last, MSSS tournament. It's tiring, hectic, stressful.
Bleh. I've got less than 10 months to go as a schoolgirl. Can't wait to be done!
I'll miss my guitar during my few days in Hulu Langat(MSSS). :-(
God bless,
Jo
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Yet another day...
Well, at least I'm still alive. Amen? =P
Neway, this week has been exhausting. 2-5pm MSSS training. It's... exhausting, to say the least. I come home half dead. I don't know, how did I ever, ever survive form 4, form 5..?? Maybe STPM really is that much heavier. I dunno...? At the rate I'm going I don't expect to last past April.
It's ok. Free after MSSS.
Except that I STUPIDLY promised to take part in 1.5km and 3km long-distance events to represent yellow house. *Sometimes I wonder at my sheer stupidity* I can try to pull out of it, but I've given my word... Oh well.
Anyway, I skipped school yesterday. I think it's gonna be a recurring event, me skipping school. Hahaha. There are days I just need to sleep past 12noon to regain my energy for the week.
And missed a test.
Well, difference between me in form 5 and now is that I no longer worry about all the work I've missed. Hello, I've missed 5 months of school work. Being absent one day doesn't mean I have to catch up on the work the day before. LOL.
Anyway, I didn't even ask my classmates about the work I missed yesterday. So when I walked passed my Econs teacher, she casually asked me, "Joanne, you want to take the Econs test today?" And me, I really don't know what's gotten into me lately, just calmly replied, "Yeah, sure. When?" Only after we settled the details and she walked away that I realised I had just agreed to sit for a test in 10 minutes time, a test that I HAD NOT STUDIED for at all. Being a completely different Joanne as compared to my younger school days, I just didn't bother too much about it. Haha.
Anyway, another guy and I had to do the test during Business class, where the head of discipline, this really petty teacher who fusses over the slightest breach of discipline, was teaching. *Something I detest* Anyway, he INSISTED that we sit under his eye so that we do not discuss/copy/whatsoever. I just rolled my eyes. It's just a small test. So what's the big deal? Oh well.
This teacher left class for a while. So naturally, my dear classmates helped me with the answers to some of the questions. Hehehehe.
When he came back, he saw us doing our test, and said, "Oh yeah, I forgot about the two of you! I hope you didn't copy!" Me: *Smiles sweetly* He, "You didn't discuss with him right??" Me, "No lah!" Then some really really honest chemical/nerve/bone/whatever in me HAD to add, "Not with him, anyway." *Laughter(nervous, shocked at my honesty perhaps LOL) by classmates*
Either didn't understand what I said, or he chose to ignore it. Knowing him, he wouldn't have just let that comment go if he had understood it.
One thing I've realised since leaving the stifling school environment for one year: Teachers that scare students have no real power over us. I remember being nervous when some strict teachers entered class long ago. Now I've got a couple in form 6 but they don't bother me any longer. All they can do is nag. Hahaha. And that is what they do. Would you believe that a teacher scolded me for marking my MCQ with a tick instead of a circle???
Well, that's all they can do. Nag when work is unfinished, scold when the class is dirty. I've somehow grown this really thick hide where I sit back and watch with amusement as they scold us over really irrelevant things. Not sitting up properly, yawning in class, etc...
Many of my classmates still fear teachers though. I thought my friends were just joking when they frantically rushed to finish their work, whereas there I was, taking my own sweet time. They get so stressed up in class I feel stressed just watching them get stressed. LOL.
Just another point in life, today. Can't wait to leave school and all its stifling rules. I won't mind breaking them all except that schools tend to inconvenience parents for a child's misdeeds. Which may be fine for lower forms, but for sixth formers.. Can you imagine, someone who drives to school has his/her parent called and told to take the child back..? I've yet to hear of such a thing to happen, although it's probably because 6th formers generally tend to be more serious about their studies and less fooling around.
As for me, I just live to get through form 6. And sow sow sow as hard as I can. :-)
My onlining at late hours probably contributes 99% towards my exhaustion on a daily basis. Old habits die hard, so I'll try to kill off this bad habit. Or it'll kill me off.
11.59pm, 1 more min to midnight!
God bless,
Jo
Neway, this week has been exhausting. 2-5pm MSSS training. It's... exhausting, to say the least. I come home half dead. I don't know, how did I ever, ever survive form 4, form 5..?? Maybe STPM really is that much heavier. I dunno...? At the rate I'm going I don't expect to last past April.
It's ok. Free after MSSS.
Except that I STUPIDLY promised to take part in 1.5km and 3km long-distance events to represent yellow house. *Sometimes I wonder at my sheer stupidity* I can try to pull out of it, but I've given my word... Oh well.
Anyway, I skipped school yesterday. I think it's gonna be a recurring event, me skipping school. Hahaha. There are days I just need to sleep past 12noon to regain my energy for the week.
And missed a test.
Well, difference between me in form 5 and now is that I no longer worry about all the work I've missed. Hello, I've missed 5 months of school work. Being absent one day doesn't mean I have to catch up on the work the day before. LOL.
Anyway, I didn't even ask my classmates about the work I missed yesterday. So when I walked passed my Econs teacher, she casually asked me, "Joanne, you want to take the Econs test today?" And me, I really don't know what's gotten into me lately, just calmly replied, "Yeah, sure. When?" Only after we settled the details and she walked away that I realised I had just agreed to sit for a test in 10 minutes time, a test that I HAD NOT STUDIED for at all. Being a completely different Joanne as compared to my younger school days, I just didn't bother too much about it. Haha.
Anyway, another guy and I had to do the test during Business class, where the head of discipline, this really petty teacher who fusses over the slightest breach of discipline, was teaching. *Something I detest* Anyway, he INSISTED that we sit under his eye so that we do not discuss/copy/whatsoever. I just rolled my eyes. It's just a small test. So what's the big deal? Oh well.
This teacher left class for a while. So naturally, my dear classmates helped me with the answers to some of the questions. Hehehehe.
When he came back, he saw us doing our test, and said, "Oh yeah, I forgot about the two of you! I hope you didn't copy!" Me: *Smiles sweetly* He, "You didn't discuss with him right??" Me, "No lah!" Then some really really honest chemical/nerve/bone/whatever in me HAD to add, "Not with him, anyway." *Laughter(nervous, shocked at my honesty perhaps LOL) by classmates*
Either didn't understand what I said, or he chose to ignore it. Knowing him, he wouldn't have just let that comment go if he had understood it.
One thing I've realised since leaving the stifling school environment for one year: Teachers that scare students have no real power over us. I remember being nervous when some strict teachers entered class long ago. Now I've got a couple in form 6 but they don't bother me any longer. All they can do is nag. Hahaha. And that is what they do. Would you believe that a teacher scolded me for marking my MCQ with a tick instead of a circle???
Well, that's all they can do. Nag when work is unfinished, scold when the class is dirty. I've somehow grown this really thick hide where I sit back and watch with amusement as they scold us over really irrelevant things. Not sitting up properly, yawning in class, etc...
Many of my classmates still fear teachers though. I thought my friends were just joking when they frantically rushed to finish their work, whereas there I was, taking my own sweet time. They get so stressed up in class I feel stressed just watching them get stressed. LOL.
Just another point in life, today. Can't wait to leave school and all its stifling rules. I won't mind breaking them all except that schools tend to inconvenience parents for a child's misdeeds. Which may be fine for lower forms, but for sixth formers.. Can you imagine, someone who drives to school has his/her parent called and told to take the child back..? I've yet to hear of such a thing to happen, although it's probably because 6th formers generally tend to be more serious about their studies and less fooling around.
As for me, I just live to get through form 6. And sow sow sow as hard as I can. :-)
My onlining at late hours probably contributes 99% towards my exhaustion on a daily basis. Old habits die hard, so I'll try to kill off this bad habit. Or it'll kill me off.
11.59pm, 1 more min to midnight!
God bless,
Jo
Saturday, February 07, 2009
Breaking apart..
Political upheavals.
In the country.
In my life.
Okay, let's be honest, I'm just a very very interested bystander who monitors the political upheavals in our country. Not that I can get involved anyway. Then again, I probably can, I just choose not to..
As for the political upheavals that are closer to my heart..
It hurts. It used to anger me, a lot. I harboured plenty of anger. Then I thought I had put all of it behind me...
But things that aren't settled generally tend to haunt you. At least, that's the case for me. I met up with an old friend recently, and to hear some things that I was unaware of... the anger didn't return. Instead, hurt, pain, confusion arose. It hurts, to see an interwoven circle breaking apart. I may have been on the outer part of it, but I was as much a part of it as the other parts. Now to see it frayed, breaking apart, with no real effort to keep it together.. it hurts. I may no longer be a part of it, but I still feel the pain it's causing to people whom I care about.
And with no one to turn to.. the people around me are too closely tangled up in it all to give sound advice. I've had more than enough of harsh criticism, or worse still, backless, cowardly, defence.
Ah, all I want right now is a utopian life.
Since that will never happen, I'll do what I completely forgot to do from the beginning.
Help me, Lord?
In the country.
In my life.
Okay, let's be honest, I'm just a very very interested bystander who monitors the political upheavals in our country. Not that I can get involved anyway. Then again, I probably can, I just choose not to..
As for the political upheavals that are closer to my heart..
It hurts. It used to anger me, a lot. I harboured plenty of anger. Then I thought I had put all of it behind me...
But things that aren't settled generally tend to haunt you. At least, that's the case for me. I met up with an old friend recently, and to hear some things that I was unaware of... the anger didn't return. Instead, hurt, pain, confusion arose. It hurts, to see an interwoven circle breaking apart. I may have been on the outer part of it, but I was as much a part of it as the other parts. Now to see it frayed, breaking apart, with no real effort to keep it together.. it hurts. I may no longer be a part of it, but I still feel the pain it's causing to people whom I care about.
And with no one to turn to.. the people around me are too closely tangled up in it all to give sound advice. I've had more than enough of harsh criticism, or worse still, backless, cowardly, defence.
Ah, all I want right now is a utopian life.
Since that will never happen, I'll do what I completely forgot to do from the beginning.
Help me, Lord?
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